Hey people, i'm new here and I've been mulling some things over in my head recently and would like some (solid!) advice.
I have been in an international LDR with a woman for about 7 months now. She has a young child and the father left during pregnancy, she hasn't had contact with him since. We have set a timeframe on when I would move over, and I love her, but lately I get the sense that something might be a little "off". I have met her family and friends, as did she. Needless to say things are pretty serious at this point, which is why I wouldn't want to jump the gun in this matter. I shall try to list some (in my mind) key events as chronologically as possible.
- After the first time I was over, she went out with her sister and a friend. Her friend had just broken up with her bf of a couple of years to move somewhere else (after which she apparently changed her mind, met someone else and decided to stay). My gf told me that they met up with a couple of guys, and that pretty much all she did was either be quiet or talk about me. Her sister ran off with one of those guys, her friend with another. She told me that by the end of the night her and her friend went sk**** dipping. I was not pleased to hear this, but to this day am still unsure whether or not those guys were actually still present at the time, somehow I forgot to ask and I hadn't brought it up since. When she noticed that I wasn't happy about it, she told me that it's not a big deal, and that everyone does it. To me personally, that's about the worst reason to do something. Whether it was just her friend and her or not who were present, is my biggest concern.
- A couple months in, she told me that her recent ex contacted her, and was talking about wanting her back. She told me that she had no interest whatsoever, as she told him. She told him that we were talking a lot about a future together, and that she wants to invest in that (I have to note that her actions and communication towards me indeed reflect that). When I was over last, he started talking to her on facebook. The conversation was about music (since I was lying next to her in bed and could see him sending her a youtube link, I merely looked over out of reflex and didn't bother her until the conversation was over). When I asked her about it, and asked her why they were still talking to each other (since when we first started talking, we both said we have a "no contact with exes" kind of mentality), she told me that if she'd block him, he'd just stir up drama. That all they do talk about (seldomly) is music. For the most part i'm inclined to believe her, it's just one extra thing running around my brain.
- Last time I was over, we were having dinner with her friends at one of her friend's house. The subject of a certain band came up, and one of her friends informed me that they were coming to do a show in the area soon. He asked me if I was interested in tagging along with him to go see them. Since I wasn't going to be in the country at that time, my gf told me that she wouldn't mind going with him. She hasn't given any indication of actually liking this band and in fact dislikes the genre they play. Most likely she'd just fancy a night out since she doesn't get many of those lately, but it still struck me as kind of odd.
- She has a fair amount of guy friends. Lots of female friends as well, but one of her male friends in particular dropped by her house a couple times these past 2 months, always at a fairly late time. I was meant to meet him but the plans we had last time I was over fell through (due to the both of us, not her friends). Though I was at her house for 2 weeks, seems a little odd that I haven't yet met this man. She apparently knows him since they were kids, i'm not sure whether they have a history of dating or the like. She does at times still talk to me when he is around though.
- Last thing that happened today was a Skype call with her, and her child mentioning something along the lines of "mommy's friend is getting on an airplane". When I asked her 2-3 times what she meant, she seemed to zone out (something that happens regularly, not only when I ask for something to be explained, and it's something we just had a bit of an arguement over actually). She started talking about something else, after which I asked her again what her child was talking about. Her only response was "oh", followed by basically no explanation at all.
Now I know I might be looking into things way too much, but all these small things put together actually make me somewhat worried. Also I'd like to ask people to refrain from the oh so populair one-liners along the lines of "she's cheating, get out now!". Those aren't very helpful at all. If anyone on here can shine a light on it, it would be greatly appreciated. After all I most of this could be just a wrong interpretation on my part.
And yes, to those who would like to say "talk to her about it", the problem is I'm not very subtle and am quite direct when I do ask about things. This makes me come across like i'm accusatory and it puts people on the defensive. A good strategy for bringing up these things could also be helpful.
I have been in an international LDR with a woman for about 7 months now. She has a young child and the father left during pregnancy, she hasn't had contact with him since. We have set a timeframe on when I would move over, and I love her, but lately I get the sense that something might be a little "off". I have met her family and friends, as did she. Needless to say things are pretty serious at this point, which is why I wouldn't want to jump the gun in this matter. I shall try to list some (in my mind) key events as chronologically as possible.
- After the first time I was over, she went out with her sister and a friend. Her friend had just broken up with her bf of a couple of years to move somewhere else (after which she apparently changed her mind, met someone else and decided to stay). My gf told me that they met up with a couple of guys, and that pretty much all she did was either be quiet or talk about me. Her sister ran off with one of those guys, her friend with another. She told me that by the end of the night her and her friend went sk**** dipping. I was not pleased to hear this, but to this day am still unsure whether or not those guys were actually still present at the time, somehow I forgot to ask and I hadn't brought it up since. When she noticed that I wasn't happy about it, she told me that it's not a big deal, and that everyone does it. To me personally, that's about the worst reason to do something. Whether it was just her friend and her or not who were present, is my biggest concern.
- A couple months in, she told me that her recent ex contacted her, and was talking about wanting her back. She told me that she had no interest whatsoever, as she told him. She told him that we were talking a lot about a future together, and that she wants to invest in that (I have to note that her actions and communication towards me indeed reflect that). When I was over last, he started talking to her on facebook. The conversation was about music (since I was lying next to her in bed and could see him sending her a youtube link, I merely looked over out of reflex and didn't bother her until the conversation was over). When I asked her about it, and asked her why they were still talking to each other (since when we first started talking, we both said we have a "no contact with exes" kind of mentality), she told me that if she'd block him, he'd just stir up drama. That all they do talk about (seldomly) is music. For the most part i'm inclined to believe her, it's just one extra thing running around my brain.
- Last time I was over, we were having dinner with her friends at one of her friend's house. The subject of a certain band came up, and one of her friends informed me that they were coming to do a show in the area soon. He asked me if I was interested in tagging along with him to go see them. Since I wasn't going to be in the country at that time, my gf told me that she wouldn't mind going with him. She hasn't given any indication of actually liking this band and in fact dislikes the genre they play. Most likely she'd just fancy a night out since she doesn't get many of those lately, but it still struck me as kind of odd.
- She has a fair amount of guy friends. Lots of female friends as well, but one of her male friends in particular dropped by her house a couple times these past 2 months, always at a fairly late time. I was meant to meet him but the plans we had last time I was over fell through (due to the both of us, not her friends). Though I was at her house for 2 weeks, seems a little odd that I haven't yet met this man. She apparently knows him since they were kids, i'm not sure whether they have a history of dating or the like. She does at times still talk to me when he is around though.
- Last thing that happened today was a Skype call with her, and her child mentioning something along the lines of "mommy's friend is getting on an airplane". When I asked her 2-3 times what she meant, she seemed to zone out (something that happens regularly, not only when I ask for something to be explained, and it's something we just had a bit of an arguement over actually). She started talking about something else, after which I asked her again what her child was talking about. Her only response was "oh", followed by basically no explanation at all.
Now I know I might be looking into things way too much, but all these small things put together actually make me somewhat worried. Also I'd like to ask people to refrain from the oh so populair one-liners along the lines of "she's cheating, get out now!". Those aren't very helpful at all. If anyone on here can shine a light on it, it would be greatly appreciated. After all I most of this could be just a wrong interpretation on my part.
And yes, to those who would like to say "talk to her about it", the problem is I'm not very subtle and am quite direct when I do ask about things. This makes me come across like i'm accusatory and it puts people on the defensive. A good strategy for bringing up these things could also be helpful.
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