When to become 'exclusive'?

[Indie]

Hey

I met the love of my life about a year ago on...uh, omegle, haha.
We're very in love, and we talk about meeting, our futures etc.
We aren't exclusive. I bring the occasional guy home for a one night stand. And my guy visits prostitutes sometimes (which I'm not too thrilled about, to be honest)
But anyway..
Is it alright to be in love, yet not commit to each other?
He would never fall in love with someone else, I know this. And I feel the same way, he's all I want.
But we can't meet in person for a long (unknown) time. I'm studying, and he works long hours, full time.

So when (if ever) is it good to become exclusive?

Thanks!

[squeeker]

Well... I'm probably actually not the best person to help here... because I've never been the type of person to have a one night stand, and my boyfriend shares my view.. we associate being in love with not wanting to be with anyone else too.

Though I also believe that your relationship can be whatever YOU want it to be, as long as you and your partner are in agreement.. and aren't hurting anyone else!

If it were me though, I would want to make it exclusive ASAP because I wouldn't want to be with anyone else and I wouldn't want him to be with anyone else.

So I can't really say since you and your partner have very different views on sex, but if it is working for you two, then it's okay. And when you both want to be exclusive, that is okay too. I think if you are heading to marriage, you want to be exclusive anyways? So why not start now? Start saving those physical intimate things for the one you love?

Though I know my boyfriend and I are a lot more conservative, especially me, as we have come from very conservative backgrounds. So I know that people have different views. It's up to you what you think is right for your relationship, what kind of relationship you both want to have!

[snow_girl]

He would never fall in love with someone else, I know this.

How do you know?

[snow]

This is between the two of you! If you are both happy with having occasional sex with other people then leave it as it is.
If you want to be exclusive you will have to talk to your SO about it and see how he feels about it.
If you never want to become exclusive, that's a choice between you two aswell. Some people need it, other's don't. So there is not really any advice we could give.

The only thing I can say is that you having sex with a one night stand and him having sex with prostitutes is not really different. You both have sex with strangers, he just pays for it. So not being too thrilled about it, while you do the same thing feels like double standard to me.

[differentcountries]

Make sure to take hiv/sexually transmitted deseases testing before you have unprotected sex together, even if you use condoms with others. Safer sex for open relationships is one of the best chapters in Tristan Toarmino's Opening Up, which is a book I reccomend as it covers all sides of open relationships and polyamory.

You can't know you will never develop feelings for others. Most likely, one of you will in time. When that time comes, can you handle it?

You dont have to be monogamous if you don't want to, ever. You and your so decide how you want to live. I

[melarie]

Snow took the words out of my mouth, there's really nothing I can add to her response.

[Dziubka]

The only thing I can say is that you having sex with a one night stand and him having sex with prostitutes is not really different. You both have sex with strangers, he just pays for it. So not being too thrilled about it, while you do the same thing feels like double standard to me.

I know this is not the topic, but I need to say it:

There's a HUGE difference between having consensual one night stands and paying for sex. It's not the same AT ALL.
Prostitution is based on a really questionable concept of sex. "Using" prostitution means you think it's acceptable to have sex with someone who doesn't really want to have sex (with you), but does so anyway, because they get paid for it. In my opinion that is a fundamentally wrong mindset.
I would never want to be with someone who thinks it was ok.

Having sex with a stranger, because you both feel like it (and ideally enjoy it) is completely different.

I could write so much more on that topic, but I'll leave it at that for the time being.

[snow]

I know this is not the topic, but I need to say it:

There's a HUGE difference between having consensual one night stands and paying for sex. It's not the same AT ALL.
Prostitution is based on a really questionable concept of sex. "Using" prostitution means you think it's acceptable to have sex with someone who doesn't really want to have sex (with you), but does so anyway, because they get paid for it. In my opinion that is a fundamentally wrong mindset.
I would never want to be with someone who thinks it was ok.

Having sex with a stranger, because you both feel like it (and ideally enjoy it) is completely different.

I could write so much more on that topic, but I'll leave it at that for the time being.

I see your point, but I can also tell you that there is many women who get paid for sex, because they want to have sex. Not every woman is forced into prostitution and yes, prostitutes can say no too. It's not like they HAVE to have sex with every person who wants to pay them for it.

I agree that I could not be with someone who got sex from prostitutes, but I could also not be with anyone would have sex with anyone else than me.

[Dziubka]

The thing is: I couldn't be with someone who thought it was ok to pay for sex. I also couldn't be with someone who thought it was not ok to have consensual one night stands - in principle, not while they are in a relationship with me.
I don't really want to start a debate on prostitution here (I'd gladly discuss it in its own thread, though).

I just wanted to point out why it is not a double standard.

[staceitia]

If you're both happy doing this then carry on.
But if you really loved one another, wouldn't you just want to share those intimate moments with him? I couldn't dream of doing this; it'd break his heart and mine. But I am rather traditional; I think that people should only have sex with the one they love or it just becomes meaningless but where I live a lot of girls and boys do it without meaning, in my opinion it shouldn't be just about pleasure or having sex, it should be about making love (call me cliché...), it should be about connecting with your partner and showing each other passion and love. Also sleeping with others raises the issue of trust if you ever decide to stop doing this, could you ever trust one another? I know I couldn't.

[lucybelle]

My SO and I were in an open LDR for about 1.5 years or so. We loved each other, but we still slept with other people. If you are both happy then you don't need to change anything. Don't worry about not being purely monogamous. Also, if you decide to keep up this way I'd definitely set some ground rules. It will make you both feel more comfortable.

But if you want to be exclusive, tell him. It's really your decision, not ours.

[Malaga]

I see your point, but I can also tell you that there is many women who get paid for sex, because they want to have sex. Not every woman is forced into prostitution and yes, prostitutes can say no too. It's not like they HAVE to have sex with every person who wants to pay them for it.

The thing is, from what I've read here on the forum on open relationships by people who were in them, sleeping with other people is always done with the consent of your SO. And in most situations the SO pre-screens the third person. There are rules of who qualifies as a third person and sex with such a person is rarely unplanned. When one partner solicits prostitutes it takes this 'control' away from the consenting partner. And the person who gets paid to have sex isn't equal to the person who pays for it, regardless of whether they're forced into it or not...it's a transaction where you don't get like for like. In a consensual one night stand you're both presumably in the same position.

[differentcountries]

The thing is, from what I've read here on the forum on open relationships by people who were in them, sleeping with other people is always done with the consent of your SO. And in most situations the SO pre-screens the third person. There are rules of who qualifies as a third person and sex with such a person is rarely unplanned. When one partner solicits prostitutes it takes this 'control' away from the consenting partner. And the person who gets paid to have sex isn't equal to the person who pays for it, regardless of whether they're forced into it or not...it's a transaction where you don't get like for like. In a consensual one night stand you're both presumably in the same position.

I don't know if it is more usual or not that the so pre -screens the potentional partner, and if so if the sex is unplanned. it is not like community rules, it is more rules within the relationship. It seems likely that op agreed to that they both have casual partners without screening. If that is their rule, I could not say that's the wrong way, even if my relationship is structured differently. I don't know two poly /open relationship with the same rules.

[Hollandia]

I see your point, but I can also tell you that there is many women who get paid for sex, because they want to have sex. Not every woman is forced into prostitution and yes, prostitutes can say no too. It's not like they HAVE to have sex with every person who wants to pay them for it.

I agree that I could not be with someone who got sex from prostitutes, but I could also not be with anyone would have sex with anyone else than me.

If they choose not to have sex with anyone except who they desire, then they would suck at their jobs and most likely not make much doing it.

[AussieAmericanGirl66]

To me, a LDR automatically IS or leads to an exclusive relationship. Why would anyone want to get involved in something as serious as a LDR, if they weren't hoping to eventually meet and be together. We have put so much into our relationship, so much of our hearts and our time, and our lives, and each contact makes the feelings stronger, I have no desire to be with anyone else. I wouldn't do that to him. It would only hurt both of us. But to each his/her own, and different couples have different ways to handle their relationships, so as long as you are happy, who am I to judge.