This could be a deal-breaker... I need help

[angelamontijo]

About a month ago my SO and I broke up. Since then, we've maintained a "friendship", in which we text each other maybe once a day or a few times a week just to check in on one another. Initially, a whole load of truths hit the fan and I was super upset with him, but after a while I realized that the disintegration of our relationship was mostly my fault. I was such a bitch to him. Literally, every time I think of how awful I was to him, it makes me wanna barf. But anyhow, now that I know what I did wrong, and I know that I never want to be that way to him, and I know that I really do, in fact, love him, I don't know how to get him back.

Before we broke up, we had great plans for our lives. After I graduated from uni we would get ESL jobs together somewhere, anywhere. And from there on, we would travel the world and simply be a teaching couple. There were a bunch of other plans aside from the former. Now, he says that he still cares about me, but for the time being, too much damage has been done and we can't get back together right away. He's due to come back form Indonesia at the end of August, and he said that maybe things could work out then, if we end up in the same area. However, the uncertainty kills me. I want him to know how sorry I am for all the pain I caused. I want him to know that I miss him more than ever. To know that I love him and cherish him. To know that everything I think, say and do, is with him in mind.

Sure, it took him nearly 10,000 miles and 5 months of distance for him to figure out his priorities. And now it's taken me losing him to figure out mine. I guess what I'm saying is that spring break is coming up soon, and I just checked out the roundtrip airfares to Indonesia and they were surprisingly affordable. Would be it totally unreasonable to fly over there, unannounced, and profess my love for him, as a grand romantic gesture? Or should I just wait it out and see what happens?

I'm so scared of losing him for good. Without him, life is only bearable. With him, life is sunny side up

[80anthea]

I think he's made his feelings clear ...... 'Now, he says that he still cares about me, but for the time being, too much damage has been done and we can't get back together right away. He's due to come back form Indonesia at the end of August, and he said that maybe things could work out then, if we end up in the same area. '

It doesn't matter how sorry you are or how much you want to get back with him right now, you need to show him some respect and adhere to his wishes. This doesn't mean you can't talk to him about coming over to see him, by all means run the idea past him and see what he says, but I think just turning up unexpected in these circumstances would be a little unfair on him.

[Mims27]

I don't think you should do it as a suprised visit...He's told you he's hurt and needs time. You showing up out of nowhere could probably freak him out. You don't want to make things worse than what they are right? I would definetly talk to him about it. But if his answer is no, you have to pre prepared to accept it.

[DC2London]

Hey girl,

I am going through the EXACT same thing right now. My SO told me he was staying to study an extra year for an MA and I got very upset and said some hurtful things that made him lose confidence in himself and us. I feel horrible because I can't take it back but I realized I was saying it because I was hurting. I absolutely 100% support his studies but ever since then, he has been very anxious and sad. Communication became hard and I think once that happened he had a rush of just reality that closing the distance was not going to happen soon. He became anxious every time we talked and he was always worried if I was happy not matter how much I would say I was. He is too sweet to ask for space so after I saw how badly he was hurting, I knew I had to be the one to create it. Yesterday I called him and said in order for us to work, you need to get over anxieties and talk to someone (therapy). He knows he needs it, he has always been a little off. I can tell you now, you are not alone in feeling bad when the communication is gone. I feel anxious BUT I felt more so when I knew he was whilst talking to me. You have to see the space as a way for him to miss you, and also to get his thoughts straight. Just be that support that he knows he has. I told him, I loved him and I wasn't going anywhere and that whenever he felt he could talk to me I would be here. He is supposed to visit in April and I am still hoping he will. It shows true strength to hold onto something but even more to know when to let go. Trust that he still cares and is doing this for you and himself. If you ever need to talk to someone who is going through it to, you can always message me! Chin up!

[nottheprincesspeach]

I've been here, with my first LDR. Unfortunately it's going to take him processing things and finding a way to completely forgive you. This time will either bring him back because he'll remember why he and you were together, or he'll move on. I recommend giving him space. I tried the being sweet and pushing and it pushed him further away.

[angelamontijo]

thanks all,
your comments have all been very helpful.
this is so hard, but I agree that I have to respect the time and space he's asked for.
I just hope, hope, hope that things will turn out well. I miss him so much

[Lovebee]

Stay positive and hope it works out for the best for you both. Let us know what happens x

[eeelaynuh]

waiting is always hard. Whenever my SO is upset he always needs to hang up and take a few moments to process his feelings and emotions. it could be as short as 5 minutes to as long as a few days. i usually just send him an occassional thing to let him know i love him. maybe just write out a letter (don't type! snail mail is much more romantic!) explaining your feelings and how you want him back. i also think its important to let him know that you understand that he needs time and space and you are going to give him that now. and then DO IT. give him space. don't talk to him as often. give him more time to miss you.

[differentcountries]

Anything I send my SO in Turkey take about 3 weeks to arrive, so it does not work as a spontanious reaction. I guess US to Indonesia is about the same thing. Well... In her case that could actually be a good thing. Still, I would think it best to, if writing a letter just keep it, so that he can have his mental space, and rather give it to him in August, or at any rate when they get back together.

[Jaac]

I know how hard waiting can be UNBEARABLE!!!
I kind of know what you're going through...
My SO said he needed space to clear his mind 2 weeks ago. He didnt want any contact, and I felt like I was dying (not being overdramatic
I missed him so much. I found out though, that sending him messages about how i loved him and why we should stay together, would just upset him and push him away.
So we didnt have any contact for 2 weeks. During those weeks he was in my mind every second of the day. I mean, like every second!! Thinking about him not being in my life would make me cry and made it seem like nothing else mattered.

For your situation...
It's a good thing that you do keep contact. It means you still mean something to him and he doesnt want to break off all contact!
Maybe he just needs some time to clear his head as well... Let him know that you're there for him.
Try and chat to him a bit more like you did before. But without saying I love you, or any other couple-like stuff you did as a couple.
Maybe he'll realise you are still the girl he loves
And, like I said. The fact that he's still talking to you on regular basis means that he wants to keep you in his life. So that's something you could use as a foundation to maybe build up a relationship again slowly, and start to flirt with him over the phone for a bit

Good luck mate!