At a crossroads? Need some advice.

[alissa93skier]

Hey there. My names Alissa, and I am from the United States. My so is from Canada and I feel like I am at a crossroads in my life and could truly use some advice at this point. We met online when I was 15, thought more of it as someone fun to talk to in my spare time. Now being 20 and him 23, time has flown by. I dropped out of University and was accepted into a program that granted me a year to work in his country. I have been in the country a month and am so utterly confused as what to do. I thought this would be a great experience for me, but so far, I feel as though I should be in school pursuing my degree rather than working part time jobs here or there. If marriage was a contender at the end of this year, (which that is why I am here so we can find out) I would have to wait another year just to be able to come back to Canada as permanent resident after the marriage. (And then another year just to start school again due to the fact that being an out of state resident makes the tuition prices absolutely ridiculous!) So right now as it stands, that is three years of waiting just to restart my degree because the one year of college in the US would not transfer to the Canadian Universities. All of his family and friends live right here in the same town he has grown up in... All of them! He has everything here. He is very against the idea about the whole moving to the US thing. He is very much for settling down right in this town and living the rest of his life here. He is my best friend. I love him to death and truly see this man as marriage material, the one that I want to commit the rest of my life to, but at this point, I long for my schooling, and my family who currently lives far away. Why should I have to give up everything in my life, a four year degree that would not be done until I am 27 which is insane, incredibly close family, and friends, My whole life really. I left everything behind because I love him that much. Five years have passed so quickly and I feel like I need to make some type of decision. Why would anyone do this for someone who would not do the same for them? Shouldn't he be willing to compromise on things like living in the US? Or even living in the US while I finish my schooling? Has anyone found themselves in a similar situation?

[AussieAmericanGirl66]

Hey there. My names Alissa, and I am from the United States. My so is from Canada and I feel like I am at a crossroads in my life and could truly use some advice at this point. We met online when I was 15, thought more of it as someone fun to talk to in my spare time. Now being 20 and him 23, time has flown by. I dropped out of University and was accepted into a program that granted me a year to work in his country. I have been in the country a month and am so utterly confused as what to do. I thought this would be a great experience for me, but so far, I feel as though I should be in school pursuing my degree rather than working part time jobs here or there. If marriage was a contender at the end of this year, (which that is why I am here so we can find out) I would have to wait another year just to be able to come back to Canada as permanent resident after the marriage. (And then another year just to start school again due to the fact that being an out of state resident makes the tuition prices absolutely ridiculous!) So right now as it stands, that is three years of waiting just to restart my degree because the one year of college in the US would not transfer to the Canadian Universities. All of his family and friends live right here in the same town he has grown up in... All of them! He has everything here. He is very against the idea about the whole moving to the US thing. He is very much for settling down right in this town and living the rest of his life here. He is my best friend. I love him to death and truly see this man as marriage material, the one that I want to commit the rest of my life to, but at this point, I long for my schooling, and my family who currently lives far away. Why should I have to give up everything in my life, a four year degree that would not be done until I am 27 which is insane, incredibly close family, and friends, My whole life really. I left everything behind because I love him that much. Five years have passed so quickly and I feel like I need to make some type of decision. Why would anyone do this for someone who would not do the same for them? Shouldn't he be willing to compromise on things like living in the US? Or even living in the US while I finish my schooling? Has anyone found themselves in a similar situation?

But you are already there for a year! Can't you find a job you really like, and start saving for your future, find new friends, hobbies and interests, get involved with life there? Isn't that why you chose to go there, to be with him, and see how it would be to live there? What a great opportunity you have! A year will go by fast if you are busy and happy. And you can still stay in contact with your family and friends back home. Canada and the US are not that far apart.

I think, really, you are suffering from home-sickness, but that can be overcome. And if you talk yourself out of enjoying the opportunity you have now, and give up, you might regret it later. And who knows, later you and your SO might be able to compromise a bit, so you will both be happy. But right now is a great chance to get to know him better in his home town. Enjoy it while you can.

[snow]

Why don't you go back to the US and finish your degree before you move permanently?
If your degree is almost done it would be foolish not to finish it. Yes, closing the distance is important, but not when you have to sacrifice your education. I honestly think you should go back to the states and finish your degree within a year. That is how long it would take, right? Instead of waiting 3 years to get back to finishing it. You can still have visits and close the distance afterwards.

You will have to figure out how to do it though. If you are both uncomfortable to leave your country to live in the other person's country, then what can you do? Either one of you has to make the sacrifice or both. Find a place you both could move that is half-way between where you live in America and where he lives in Canada.

[squeeker]

Like AussieAmericanGirl said, you are already in lovely Canada so make the most of it, you have the opportunity to really see how you work living in the same place as him, and then you can go back to school if you wish and everything else.

My story turned out rather similarly to yours, with differences of course. I met my SO when I was 19 (online) and I was going to university but only for general stuff because I did not know what I wanted to do but I just felt like I should go to university. So I stopped before summer 2010 and then worked a lot during that summer, got my passport, and met my SO for the first time in November 2010. And didn't go back to university for awhile because I still didn't know what I wanted.. but I slowly realized I wanted to go back and try a bachelor of science degree but still it didn't quite interest me but I took an online semester of school at the end of 2011/beginning of 2012 but that didn't work out wasn't right.. and I got to spend more time with my SO. And then we hit a really low point, I was working a stressful job and not making enough to save up for a future, barely made enough for visits, and he couldn't get a job, so we both went to university, putting us in a crappy position where we aren't able to visit nearly enough (going to be over a year between our last visit and next one). And, further more, I will be at least 26 when I graduate, probably 27 because it will probably take a bit longer still. And then I have to pay off loans and save up for our future.. hopefully my SO will get a job sooner, because he will graduate with his bachelors degree sooner, and that will help us a lot. But we'll take it one day at a time.

I am quite happy for the way things turned out, despite sometimes wishing that I would have known what I wanted to do from the day I graduated high school.. but nope, it took meeting my SO and talking about our interests and realizing I wanted to study foods and nutrition and looking up and realizing there was a degree at this university that I didn't even see before. So.. I'm sure there is something out there for you.. take it one day at a time, and enjoy being with your SO, and make the most of it!

[AussieAmericanGirl66]

Why don't you go back to the US and finish your degree before you move permanently?
If your degree is almost done it would be foolish not to finish it. Yes, closing the distance is important, but not when you have to sacrifice your education. I honestly think you should go back to the states and finish your degree within a year. That is how long it would take, right? Instead of waiting 3 years to get back to finishing it. You can still have visits and close the distance afterwards.

You will have to figure out how to do it though. If you are both uncomfortable to leave your country to live in the other person's country, then what can you do? Either one of you has to make the sacrifice or both. Find a place you both could move that is half-way between where you live in America and where he lives in Canada.

I thought she said she had just finished her first year of school, and then quit, after her first year.

[Unconditional]

My answers to your questions:
1)We do a lot for the ones we love, somethings are harder than others.
2)Yes, I believe he should be a little more compromising because essentially, you both would be giving up the same thing- whether he moved there or vice versa
3)I feel like yes, this would at least be an easier option than him moving to the US forever, just based on the fact that he REALLY doesn't want to move there indefinetly. Perhaps he could get a visitor visa or something? (I'm still trying to figure out how that whole process works myself xP )
4)I'm not in a similar situation- yet. Later down the road, I just might be. Since my schooling will be almost ten years long....I'm trying to look into transferring to a Canadian college after I get my bachelor's degree. Which I can hopefully get done in two-three years by taking classes through the summer as well.

I hope I helped even a little bit. Wishing you the best, and if you need to talk to someone, I'm always up for a conversation. =)
Good luck

[differentcountries]

If you dropped out of shool, you need to do something if you want to go back. Which could be working and perhaps studying in your spare time to slowly prepare yourself. Or you could find something else to do. You are early on, only 1 month in, you need to give it more time.

You are young. So is he. He can not expect you do live in his home town forever without a plan, but it is even too soon for such a plan. If you are there to see if you want to marry, they do just that. He too must be flexible as to how you will fix things, and relate to the realities of things like education.

[dglynn77]

All of his family and friends live right here in the same town he has grown up in... All of them! He has everything here. He is very against the idea about the whole moving to the US thing. He is very much for settling down right in this town and living the rest of his life here.

I just wanted to point out, Of course he is very much for settling down in that town. That requires no effort from him, and tons of effort from you. He currently has no idea what you are going through trying to fit in, in a new country, new jobs, etc. It's a lot for you to adjust to all at once. I personally feel that in an LDR, both parties should be willing to move to the other to make it work. Sure he has the perfect life there, but would he not give it up for you? You're giving up an awful lot for him, and it seems maybe you should just relax, don't make any decisions, and work on seeing if you can acclimate to his country. If not, he needs to be willing to move as well. Good luck!

[piratemama]

I know my situation is moving from one state to another rather than from one country to another country, but I had no issue with agreeing to being the one to move. In fact, I made the decision before he and I even discussed it. Yes, I would be leaving my support system, family, and friends, but I'd do anything to be with my SO. I weighed everything, and I realized that he would have more to leave. He has other issues besides family and job, and I believe it would be easier for me to move and adjust. It will be a difficult adjustment for me, but I would much rather do this. I can't imagine asking him to go through the pain of leaving daughters, parents, friends, and heritage. I can move my only daughter with me. For us, it's a matter of what's best for us as a couple. It's no longer what is best for me. There is no just me anymore.

[TaraMarie]

I think it is exciting to start a new life. Look at this as an amazing opportunity.....not everyone gets to do that with someone they love. Many if ushere would give our right arms to be in that situation.....

[silvermoonfairy3]

It sounds like you're homesick, to be honest.
Different people experience and handle homesickness differently, but I'd suggest not making any big decisions until you've settled in for awhile longer. You said you're going to be in Canada for a year anyway, so if I were you, I'd try to make the best of that. Experience living in another country, see what you can have for new experiences and meeting new people.

As for some of the other things you brought up, yes, it'd be good if he'd be willing to compromise on who lives where, and that may be a recurring issue you face if he's really just not willing. Have you discussed why he's dead set against the US? I love this country, but I also acknowledge it has issues. Sometimes, it's easier for non-US people to focus more on the cons than the pros. Does he have legitimate gripes, like disagreeing strongly with our political system, being concerned about our healthcare system, etc. or is it more that he's like "the US is violent and crazy" or something?

Have you talked with him about feeling a bit out of sorts in Canada? Maybe he can help make the transition a little smoother by making sure you're meeting his friends, and he's helping you find chances to make your own, etc.

As for schooling, getting a bachelor's at 27 isn't a huge deal, though I agree with people that if you have to go back to the US anyway, you might want to just finish your degree in the US as opposed to waiting and then doing it in Canada.
You could also work with some of the schools in the US that have online courses, so that you can be progressing toward your degree now, or completely do one online that you could finish from Canada after you go back.

There's lots of ways to do things and work things out, it's just a matter of taking a breather, taking stock of situations, and talking stuff out.

[alissa93skier]

I apologize for taking so long to respond back. My sister had an unexpected surgery so I flew out of the country during her recovery time. (She is doing well) Anyways, thank you for all the responses. They have really been extremely helpful and I feel a lot better about the situation I am in. Many couples don't get the opportunity I have to really live with the person before a marriage when the two live in different countries. I do have some questions though.

Before I ever made the choice to move, he told me he would not be able to wait three years for me while I finished up my degree back home. He just couldn't wait three years for me to truly better my life so I could better our lives ultimately. Needless to say, I packed up my bags and moved. The problem is now I am sitting here thinking, " Why should I now have to wait that same 3 years just to begin going to school again? When he couldn't wait 3 years for me to have a degree? In the long scheme of things, the sooner a marriage happens, the sooner I can pursue my career dreams. Ultimately, I am the type of person who is independent and see's career success for myself. If I lived in the same country as a man I was dating, I could literally go 10 years without a marriage proposal and be a-ok if I had my career as well. At the same time, I believe you shouldn't get married for the sake of your career. But at the same time, there are a lot of women who would not move to a different country without a ring on their finger. It's my situation entirely that frustrates me. I just feel like if he doesn't know what he wants right now, he probably wont know what he wants in 6 months.

We have been talking for 5 years. This is not a small amount of time. People get married, have children and divorce all in that time period. We have been together long enough to know. And to be completely honest, I really don't feel right now like it would even been crazy to get married. Is it wrong of me to expect a marriage very soon? Marriage is never ever a thing to rush, but in our situations, can it ever be considered differently?

[nottheprincesspeach]

I am in a long distance relationship currently, because I had to finish my undergraduate program. I graduate in December. I was in a previous LDR that wanted me to move after my first year of college. I almost did it. I am so glad I didn't. I'm also glad, as hard as it is, that I am electing to finish what I started before moving and making a more permanent commitment with my current SO. I understand how hard it with you having been with him so long, but you have to thing long term on what kind of life you want to have. You need to talk to him about the possibility of moving to you to let you finish your schooling, especially since it seems like something you really want. I don't think it is wise to make a sacrifice like this so early in your life, but that is a decision only you can make. See if you guys can find a compromise so that you can both have a fulfilling life. You could regret sacrificing your dreams and end up resenting him for it if you don't. I know I would have, and am happy I didn't.

[infamy21]

LDR's aren't fair and that's the true nature of it. We all know what we got ourselves into and we should always be prepared to give and take.

[Hollandia]

LDRs are all about sacrifice. This really can't be helped, it is the nature of the beast. Can you take some online courses while you are in Canada with your SO?