Help with a HIGHLY Depressed SO

[iloveafinnishgirl]

to start off its not something i did, shes made that much clear, but she doesn't even know why shes depressed, she wasn't speaking to me earlier but now she is, not much but she is speaking to me.

Shes not acting anything at all like herself, shes normally very sweet, playful, energetic, and shy but now she just hardly speaks at all.


She asked me to promise to never leave her so i did cause i love her more than anything and honestly she is everything to me, all i have got, and all i have ever needed.





I don't know what to do, i have tried everything, i cheer her up for like a few hours then its back to sadness.

shes always been there for me no matter what i was going through, she has a heart of gold, but now shes depressed and not even herself anymore.


Honestly i am willing to do anything in my power to help her get past this



I am not going to lie or cover it up, seeing such a wonderful person as her like this is making me feel like something is ripping my chest apart, shes just one of those perfectly sweet people that seeing them sad is the most difficult thing possible and it makes you feel powerless.




what i want most is just for her to be able to get past this and be her sweet awesome self again



sincere thanks to all who respond....

[Sanja]

If the depression is so severe, she needs professional help. You can help her just by being there for her, support her, and listen to her. I have been depressed and no matter how much everyone that loves me wanted to help, the best help was going to see a professional and getting on the meds.

[Alsfia]

I assume she's about the same age as you? If she's still in school there is always a student counsellor (skolkurator/koulukuraattori) and more often than not (especially south) a school psychologist that come in at least a couple days a week. If she is working she should be able to seek help via the workplaces healthcare (sometimes the workplace if it's big has a psychologist or a trade union employs one, otherwise they're able to advice her where to go next), and if she is unemployed or doesn't want to do either she can always go to a HVC/TK-vastaanotto (like health care centre or basic walk in clinic).

These are just some solid suggestions to where she could find help, but she has to accept she needs help herself first and reach out for it on her own, so I would advice to not try and pressure her but rather suggest going to one of these for help.

Best of luck.

[snow]

Of course it is nothing you did! This is a depression and it won't just go away by cheering her up.

What depressed people need is hope and it will take a lot of talking - more on your part than on her. When did it happen? When did she suddenly change? Did she suddenly change or did it creep up slowly? Did anything major happen? Is she very stressed at the moment? Is she feeling overwhelmed? That's all things you need to find out. But you have to be clever about it and not pressure her into talking to you, more trying to be there for her when she wants to talk. Also giving her the opportunity to talk about it.

I remember when we started to date we would play games he chose, cause I really couldn't care less, and while we played he would nonchalantly ask a question about my past or one of my issues and then we would talk about it on the surface. He always seemed very interested in what I had to say so opening up to him about my feelings wasn't as hard. He did most of the talking. Sometimes he would talk for 2 hours non-stop and I was just listening and replying to questions, but this way we found out a lot of what caused my issues. And it helped me, it really did.

I am not saying this will replace a therapist, but what does a therapist really do? They talk to you and try to find out what caused the depression. Of course a therapist is much more educated in HOW to achieve that goal, but that doesn't mean you can't do it yourself, if you're good with empathy and know your SO well.

[iloveafinnishgirl]

Of course it is nothing you did! This is a depression and it won't just go away by cheering her up.

What depressed people need is hope and it will take a lot of talking - more on your part than on her. When did it happen? When did she suddenly change? Did she suddenly change or did it creep up slowly? Did anything major happen? Is she very stressed at the moment? Is she feeling overwhelmed? That's all things you need to find out. But you have to be clever about it and not pressure her into talking to you, more trying to be there for her when she wants to talk. Also giving her the opportunity to talk about it.

I remember when we started to date we would play games he chose, cause I really couldn't care less, and while we played he would nonchalantly ask a question about my past or one of my issues and then we would talk about it on the surface. He always seemed very interested in what I had to say so opening up to him about my feelings wasn't as hard. He did most of the talking. Sometimes he would talk for 2 hours non-stop and I was just listening and replying to questions, but this way we found out a lot of what caused my issues. And it helped me, it really did.

I am not saying this will replace a therapist, but what does a therapist really do? They talk to you and try to find out what caused the depression. Of course a therapist is much more educated in HOW to achieve that goal, but that doesn't mean you can't do it yourself, if you're good with empathy and know your SO well.

yea... she is seeing a counselor and wants to get anti-depressants, but as far as my help she wont ever really talk about it besides saying she doesn't know why shes depressed(shes always been quite stubborn, im as stubborn at times and she talked me out of suicide when we met and she has managed to give me confidence and strength i never knew i had)


this happened kind of suddenly starting 2 months ago... there have been times where i made her cheer up to the point where she would have cute conversations and be herself and act silly(all normal her that i miss) but now its even worse.........

since the day we met her heart and mine have been connected so seeing her like this isn't going so great on me either...... the only real way to stop that is when i see her smile or laugh(and its the most adorable thing ever)

[snow]

There is something that is bothering her and she is not aware of it, so there is nothing really that she can talk about, because she really doesn't know what's the cause.
This is where you come in, you have to find out what situation caused her to feel this way. I found out now, that I get depressed whenever I am overwhelmed with something. It could be the distance, it could be schoolwork, it could really be anything. So what you have to do for yourself is try to be positive and give her hope that even though she feels this way right now, things will be better and then tell her what will be better - you will meet then and then, if you have a countdown let her know how many days are left, you will live together, etc etc all the things that you know are going to happen, or that you two have planned.

I know how easy it is to fall into desperation when helping someone with depression, my man has it too, but you have to stay positive! Be the rock that she needs. Give her space if she needs it, but be right there when she wants to reach out. Do you own thing, but try to involve her. I don't know what it is that you two do together, but keep doing it. When you play games, play games and ask her if she wants to play and if she doesn't tell her that's fine, but leave it open so she can join you. At this point you have to be the one who keeps her going, but doesn't pressures her into feeling better.

I know it's hard, but you can't force her to be happy for yourself, that really comes off as selfish and will make her feel even worse.
Good luck to you two!

[differentcountries]

Since she is already seeing a councelour and taking anti-depressants, and you try to listen/cheer her up, I guess the only thing for you to do is encouraging her to do something of her own. A lot of people experience less depressive feelings when they do something physical they like, perhaps especially something that is not hard to do, but reagardless will feel good. Also, if she has an interest, she might persue that. If she does something and she is good at it, that might help her.

When I was 15 and depressed, actually what helped me through some of it (I also had a councerlor, anti-depressants and so on) was reading cartoons. For some reason, whatever else I felt of despair and antipathy, I forgot that while reading the cartoons. Also, I sometimes liked to walk long walks and do bicycle riding. I was also engaged in lot of stuff at school, like organizing theatre performances and I sang and danced. Whenever I did any of those things, I did not feel down. When I struggled still at 17, I almost felt as if I could walk off my despair by just walking and walking until I became tired (I mad sure to walk close to the bus route in case I had to take the bus back home). I also did some reading on my own, regarding my problems, I wrote a journal and I saw some people who were a bit like me. All of this helped me sort things out. I belive it takes a lot of little things. Depression lifts when you become aware of yourself and don't feel at loss. I felt I became friends with myself and I also gained confidance in coping with my life. It takes a million small steps.

You being there for her is great, just make sure to be there for you, too, and not get dragged into whatever she is feeling. It is easy to absorb whatever the other person is feeling, I still get that with my husband that I get down when he is sad. It is vital to be open about this challenge. Don't always be of service, taking care of you is just as important.

[iloveafinnishgirl]

she just left me............ she refused to believe that i need her and left me............. i................

[differentcountries]

That is so sad. Perhaps if she is given time she might realize you really love her. If she is very depressed, it becomes hard for her to belive that she is worthy of anybody's love. Take care of yourself in this difficult time.

[AussieAmericanGirl66]

she just left me............ she refused to believe that i need her and left me............. i................

I am so sorry to hear that. Severe depression does that. She can't cope with something that is destroying her self-esteem and self-confidence, so she feels worthless, and unlovable. She really can't believe that anyone, even her most important person in her life, wants her. She might even feel invisible, or wish she was. I know, because I have been there before.

It sounds like you have been very supportive and tried to help her as much as you can, so don't blame yourself. This is a medical condition, requiring professional help, counseling, and possibly medication, change of diet, and lifestyle changes. It could even be related to seasonal changes. And she needs to learn to be happy on her own, especially in a LDR, where you can't be with her 24/7.

Give her a bit of space, but stay in touch if you can. And take care of yourself, too. I hope things will work out for you.

[snow]

I'm so sorry

[iloveafinnishgirl]

ive relapsed into my old depressive self from before she met me again............... maybe i should just die..........

[differentcountries]

ive relapsed into my old depressive self from before she met me again............... maybe i should just die..........

Try to get some help with your mood. It is not good for you to think like this.

[iloveafinnishgirl]

honestly shes all i had....... i cant take this..........

[AussieAmericanGirl66]

ive relapsed into my old depressive self from before she met me again............... maybe i should just die..........

Nooo! Don't even think that way. You are too young to give up that way. Go do something you enjoy doing, get some help, do something to heal yourself.

She has issues she is failing to address, because she probably doesn't know herself what is bothering her. You have tried to help her the best you could, and I'm sure that has stressed you out, too. Now, she has walked away, and that hurts. So, at least for now, you need to make yourself your priority. Give her some space, and you take space for yourself.

Take care of yourself. That is what is important, now. There really isn't much you can do, at the moment, for her, since she chose to leave. But you need to get your own strength back. Do something you enjoy, take a walk, run, meditate, watch a movie, play a game, or even cry if you need to. Find some way to get it all out, and then get out and get on with your life. Go out with friends, too. And remember, we are all here for you, too, anytime you need to talk, need advice, or just want to vent.