I guess he's giving up :\

[standingoutsidethefire]

Things have been rough for my SO and I. More so for me, as I've no doubt been dealing with waves of depression over the last couple of weeks. As hard as the distance has been, I always get that second wind in my sail...the motivation to keep going. Because even though I have my doubts and my "moments" , my heart is still in this.

My problem lies with this. We've known each other for 9 months, and have been in a relationship for 5. I have not spoken to a single friend, or family member of his. And for the most part, I don't have any solid proof that he's told anyone about me. This as you can imagine is very concerning. Every time I have asked, he's told me "no" or "not yet" or "soon". Tonight I told him...the next time we Skype I want to speak to his parents. It's important to me. There have been a few "red flags" and the fact that nobody really knows about me (as far as I can see)..really bothers me.

I'll admit...things between us have felt different for the last week or two. It felt like something had shifted in our relationship. I chalked it up to my being such a downer, and his nerves...as he's hopefully (supposedly) going to be visiting me next month. I understand he's nervous and might get cold feet, but I never expected for him to tell me that he's worried about us in the long term. He's now afraid of things not working out, and for this all to be "for nothing". Talk about a punch to the gut! He was in the Army and had to leave due to injury, he wants to get back in (which is something he's never really said before)...and he is now worried about whether or not he wants us to keep going. I keep reassuring him, but at this point, the ball is in his court. And here I sit, feeling completely hopeless and not being able to do anything about the situation.

I can't help but feel like these are all excuses. That for some reason, he's trying to end things on purpose.

[Moon]

According to your profile, you have not met yet, because of that I can sort of understand his reluctance in having you speak to his parents, it's probably too weird for him, and he may want to meet you first. I'm not sure I'd want to speak to someone's parents before I've actually met them either, to be honest. Anyway, why do you need proof he's told people about you?

Then again, it's possible he hasn't been honest with you about himself, we've seen that happen here a few times. The thing is, do you trust him, or don't you? That's what it really comes down to, and if your gut is telling you you don't, listen to it. I'm sorry you're going through this.

[Deleted]

Moon said a lot of wise words.

I sense a little bit of hesitance in communication here. Don't be afraid to be open with your SO: in fact, you should.

I think the fact that your SO seems to be avoiding telling his parents is a little bit of a red flag...although I agree with what Moon said about understanding his reluctance.

If you really have a bad feeling about things, I would just go to him and straight up talk about it. If you leave it alone, it could get worse. It could also be that both of you are reluctant to have that conversation, but if you don't feel safe nor secure in your relationship, it's one you need to have.

Best of luck

[standingoutsidethefire]

I don't see anything strange about it. At some point I will meet these people. My family and friends know about him, and yet, as far as I can tell, nobody really knows about me. To me, that's really concerning. The fact that he's not planning on telling his parents he's coming 4,000+ miles to see me, until the last minute, is also concerning. And now, when I finally tell him it's important to me, that I want to speak to them, he comes up with an excuse as why this probably won't work. I feel like I have emotionally invested the last 9 months of my life, even more so the last 5-6...and just as were on the verge of finally meeting...he wants to back out. :\

Keep in mind we had an issue earlier in the year where I found out he wasn't very honest with me when we first met. I was led to believe he was single at the time, and his last relationship had ended a year prior to us meeting online. It wasn't until February, when I was making plans to go see him in April, that he dropped the news on me that he was indeed seeing someone at the time we met online, and it didn't end until November. Not only did he lie, but he had a story to go along with it...and I believed that story for 5 months until the truth finally came out.

[bubblehits]

My family knows about my SO and the fact that I'm going to fly out to meet him. But i think one person in my SO's family knows about me. He doesn't want to tell his mum because of how she will react. I mean, I understand because at the start my family reacted terribly, so I see where he is coming from but since he is 28, i feel that his mum shouldn't be that much of an influence.

My SO has been in an LDR before and it didn't turn out well, so she won't be happy that I live in a completely different country to her son.

But my SO is trying to imagine a future so we will all have to meet at some point.

[Zapookie]

Has he already booked a ticket to see you? Do you have proof of it?

[JaneEmily]

I'll be honest here, I'd be a little concerned too. My ex, was also an LDR, didn't tell ANY of his family about me - he didn't tell his mum about me until 6 months into our 'thing' and he refused to tell his older brother about me because he was, frankly, ashamed and embarassed to (at the time) have a girlfriend off of the internet. We weren't countries apart. But me and him didn't work out and that doesn't mean you guys won't (every situation is different). There were too many lies, too many situations where he'd make me feel pressured to try to visit when I literally could not ever afford it (he even tried making my family pay for a trip that he could easily afford but wouldn't try to pay for it). But for me, that relationship never worked out because I personally was filling a void I had in my heart when my current SO and I couldn't talk and I just honestly didn't feel anything for my ex as there wasn't much to build on in the first place.

You really need to talk about how you feel with your SO before it escalates into a situation where you feel like he may be ashamed of the circumstances of your relationship and how it might seem to others. Tell him you're just curious if he's ever mentioned you to anyone, even if it's been casually. If he says a flat out no then I think you both need to discuss why he hasn't yet and get to the bottom of it. I wouldn't try to pressure him into letting you speak to his parents yet. Maybe he's just nervous, and perhaps he's simply not ready mentally for the whole 'meet the parents' thing even if it's verbally.

Just try not to push him too much into the whole parent thing. See how things go when you meet physically then take it a step further slowly. To guys letting a girl even talk to their parents (let alone meeting them) is a HUGE commitment, and maybe he just wants to see that his feelings are certain before jumping into the deep end. I think he's just nervous and scared tbh.

Good luck though. I hope you two find a way to get through this bump in the road.

[standingoutsidethefire]

I think things are falling apart. He doesn't think we can work out in the long term. All of a sudden he doesn't think we sustain our relationship. He was suppose to come visit in June , I'm loosing him and there's nothing I can do about it.

[JaneEmily]

The thing is if you want to make it work you have to face up to your problems and talk about it. You NEED to find out if his head and heart is still in your relationship and the only way you'll find out is by discussing it together. We can't know if he's truly given up on the relationship because we're not him. I strongly advise you to sit down and talk with him on Skype or on the phone, and discuss how you both feel and think where your relationship is heading then go from there. Tell him you feel like you're losing him, see how he responds and where the conversation leads - then you'll know for sure.

[differentcountries]

If he is afraid of how you will maintain the relationship in the long run, that is understandable. Just remind him that June is not far away. If you click in person, you will find ways to maintain the relationship, for as long as you want.

[JaneEmily]

If he is afraid of how you will maintain the relationship in the long run, that is understandable. Just remind him that June is not far away. If you click in person, you will find ways to maintain the relationship, for as long as you want.

Exactly. June is at least 11 days away. That's not far away at all. They can still find a way to have a visit within that month.

I think they just really need a huge heart to heart discussion about their relationship and their feelings towards each other before it gets worse and she feels like there are more red flags popping up.

[standingoutsidethefire]

I am hoping to get him on Skype tonight, if not, at least on Sunday when he has his next day off. While we've been planing for June, and he does have the money to come now, nothing has been set up. No flight has been booked, no plans have been made. I'm losing faith that he will make it here in June, unless a miracle happens and he can overcome whatever it is that is holding him back. I truly believe he's afraid of getting hurt, that he's wanting to end things now (although he realizes it's painful and has said it would leave a huge hole in his heart) than as he put it "spend time with each other, and nights in each others arms and if it doesn't work out, it would destroy him". I'm hoping that just by being here, and being supportive, and reminding him that I'm in this for the long haul, that these fears will ease up.

[rhabdoviridae]

I guess I'll go against the grain and say let him go. He's lied to you before about something pretty important (another relationship) and without trust and honesty, an LDR becomes a far bigger beast to manage.

[differentcountries]

I truly believe he's afraid of getting hurt, that he's wanting to end things now (although he realizes it's painful and has said it would leave a huge hole in his heart) than as he put it "spend time with each other, and nights in each others arms and if it doesn't work out, it would destroy him". I'm hoping that just by being here, and being supportive, and reminding him that I'm in this for the long haul, that these fears will ease up.

It could. He is absolutely right. My SO has had his rounds of "well it can't work in the long run" - and we DO have some important challenges, like we can't marry, but we find ways. I have convinced him that I am dead serious about the whole thing, and he dears to be, too. Love is scary, risky business, and LDRs shake our hearts and empty our pockets. Tell him to buy that ticket soon, because flight fares usually get more expensive as the time goes by. He does not have to make a commitment for life, but to give the two of you a fair chance he must actually get those tickets and make the visit happen. Listen to his worries, hear him out, but like I said to SO before my long awaited first visit: "We will see what happens? I know what will happen if we don't book tickets soon. Nothing. Because no tickets ever booked themmselves".

[standingoutsidethefire]

We talked (texted) last night and I pushed the fact that he needs to buy his ticket. I told him I understand his fears, and he admitted he is scared of basically everything in terms of coming over and making this work. He said he just wants me to give him time to "sort out what he wants". I agreed to give him time and we agreed to keep talking in the meantime, about other things (unless he wants to talk about it, then I'm here to listen). So, I guess I just wait, and hope and pray it works out. *sigh*