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**silvermoonfairy3** · May 24, 2014, 08:55 PM

Welcome to the forum!

I think a lot of us get frustrated at some points with wanting things to move faster, but as much as possible, you just need to try to enjoy the ride. To think about the good parts, and take the fun conversations when you can have them, etc. Yeah, LD is kind of a hurdle, but if you're always looking at it as this obstacle that's in the way of your relationship being how you want, you'll start making yourself more and more unhappy. It takes time and patience, and it suuuucks.

Has he been to Finland before?
You mentioned hoping everything's fine with him moving to your country. I think it would be EXTREMELY helpful if he visits for a bit first. Moving countries can be fun and exciting (I studied abroad for a little while) but it's also a biiiig sacrifice, especially when it's permanent, and probably moreso when you don't speak the language. That can be very isolating, and put a lot of pressure on the native partner as well.

If he can start learning the language now, while still living in the US, that would help him a bit probably, too. As for the logistics, and the moving, and him working.. these things will come in time, and get sorted.

Good luck, and feel free to vent any time.

PS - with him living in Boston, I assume that's where you've been when you come to the US? Not far from me.

Nice area. My relatives almost all live out that way.

**Moon** · May 24, 2014, 11:25 PM

Hey there, welcome to LFAD. I'm in a relationship with a Helsinki guy, I've been to Helsinki something like 10 times, I love it there.

I'm afraid I'm about to sound a bit pessimistic here, I'm sorry about that, but I've done a TON of research into what it's like for foreigners to move to Helsinki, and it's not easy in a lot of ways. Being Finnish already, you may not know how incredibly difficult it is for a native English speaker to learn Finnish, it's supposed to be the second hardest in the world for us to learn. Heh, believe me, I've been trying for 5 years. Also, without fluent Finnish, and unless he's in a highly technical field, he's not going to find a job. finlandforum.org can provide a lot of insight for foreigners thinking of moving to Finland, though take it with a grain of alt, there are many bitter, harsh bastards on there.

My own Finnish boyfriend didn't know any of this, I had to show him, he didn't believe me

I work for a Finnish company based in Helsinki, and they do hire many immigrants, but it's all in highly technical fields, without exception, it's tough. I'm just telling you this in case you both haven't got into heavy research yet, if you have, please just ignore me! Like I mentioned, I had to find all this out, my guy had no idea the issues foreigners have, even other EU citizens without fluent Finnish. I don't think I would ever relocate at this point, I'm simply not smart enough to ever be fluent in Finnish, and would never get a job, along with a few other things. And, like you, my guy definitely won't move to the US. Good luck, and again, I'm sorry to be so pessimistic, I just want you to have the chance to really start looking at what it will take for someone in the US to move to Finland. It's actually pretty easy to do, if you get married, but once you're there, it seems to be very difficult to adjust. Good luck!

**farandaway** · May 25, 2014, 03:09 PM

Thank you for your comments. Our case is by far not the easiest. He has never been to Finland yet. He is from western USA but moved to Boston 2years ago. He says this is good preparation for Finnish winter. In fact, last winter was harder in Boston than here so he is not afraid of that any more. Our winter is long and dark so that will be new. He has lived abroad before, over 10 years and he learned another difficult (Asian) language, which he speaks very well. He has not started with Finnish much yet, due to busy life and the big changes he is going through. He is also highly educated with 3 university diplomas so I am confident that he will make it here. Of course there will be challenges but actually I've been through this before... I was married to an American and it did not end well but I would say it is so much up to the individual. After my divorce I said I would never bring another foreigner here but here I am again...

I don't mind the pessimistic approach but I try to make it more realistic. He is running his own consulting business and he is hoping to establish it enough in the US so that he can keep some of those clients before finding some here. I have no idea how well that will go but he has said he is ready to take any job in the end so that we will ok financially. With time he can look for something he really wants to do. We are both over 40 and we've been through a lot. We are both very committed to this relationship and we want it to last so many compromises need to be made.

Good luck to all of you, too!

**AussieAmericanGirl66** · May 25, 2014, 05:21 PM

It's good to know I'm not the only one with complications. I wasn't sure how it would go over, and I've been judged harshly by others, but I am in an online affair. My SO is not so happily married with children. That is why we are taking it so slow, just taking it a day at a time. We are best friends, love each other very much, and support each other as we can.

I do get frustrated sometimes, and wish we could be together more, and plan for a future, but it just isn't time yet. So, I do has he has asked, and it's really good for anyone in an LDR. This is sort of a mantra with us now: Stay in the NOW, enjoy me now, enjoy what we have now, and don't worry so much about the future. Whatever happens happens.

**AussieAmericanGirl66** · May 26, 2014, 11:25 PM

It sounds like you have things well-thought out and well-planned. And of course being strongly committed, and able to work together, and compromise is important, I wish both of you much happiness on the journey.

**Miasmata** · May 28, 2014, 12:07 PM

You got all of my sympathy and encouragement, farandaway! My dear is has already visited and is eager to move to Germany, but while definitely not as tough as Finnish, German isn't exactly the easiest language either. Furthermore, Germany is also picky about immigrants, so he absolutely needs to finish his engineering degree before we can hope for anything. The EU in general is trying to attract more skilled workers, especially technical ones as Moon pointed out - But in general, above all else, immigrating to the EU gets easier if you have a job lined up there. That's definitely something to keep in mind.

Immigrating won't be impossible, but definitely not easy, and adjusting to the different language and culture will need time and your valiant support. It can definitely work, though, as long as you do your research and have a smart game plan. I wish you the best of luck!

**farandaway** · May 29, 2014, 03:05 PM

AussieAmericanGirl66, have you ever met your boyfriend? You must have challenges with the time difference also. We have 7 hours but luckily he has his own business and his lunch time is mine! That's my evening after putting kids to bed so that has worked out fine. We went for a year without skype. We actually started with chatting and did not even talk on the phone until much much later. That is a great way to learn to know one another. We did not have pictures either in the beginning but something just clicked...

I know that marriage would be the easiest deal. But I would like to marry for other reasons that easy immigration. Although as I said, he is still officially married and it would be quite impossible to bring his business to Finland right now. There are many complications still on his side but this is the closest that we have to being permanently together soon. I'm not very good at taking it day by day, not at all. I get very grumpy and upset at times and I need to talk about our future more.
He is so rational and I'm not. I have suggested all kinds of romantic ways to be together but he wants to be on his own and do it the right way even if it takes a little longer.

Finnish is difficult, sure but I'm sure he can do it if he wants to. He has learned Chinese! He has 3 university degrees so he might be lucky to find a job here but what he wants is to run his own consulting business as that's what he is doing now in the States. Luckily English works well B to B in Finland.

I've been to many places in the US. Mostly Maryland, where my ex lives. But also West Coast and Florida. I've met my boyfriend in New York at Christmas time(!) and last summer we were camping in Massachusetts and New Hampshire.

**farandaway** · May 30, 2014, 03:39 PM

Did I do wrong? I will open up here and have this as my diary because I feel so unwell right now. If someone wants to comment, please do. I just skyped with my boyfriend. I said I am so fatigued and with other symptoms I almost worry that something is wrong with me. Since last summer we've been completely on his terms. I have suffered so much that I have needed to take time off several times. It's this affair thing. He is very unhappily married and wants to leave but it's very complicated. He had to give up his studies because he was single dad to his step son when wife is always working and not in the country. Last summer we talked about him coming to Finland in October but he coudn't arrange a business trip in this direction so he had no alibi to go. He knows that his wife does not care for her son and leaves all of the raising and responsibility to him. The only way he could ever leave is to put son into boarding school. He was against that for a long time but saw no other solution. He then said that when son is in boarding school he could come visit me. That was in January. He was occupied with son's school arrangements until end of Jan and then his wife was was home in Feb so he booked his trip in March. When the time got closer, spending time arguing with his wife caused him such bad chest pain he had to go to the doctor's and they advised him not to travel! (this is very true but almost sarcastic...) So he had to cancel the long awaited trip. Now their lease ends in June and in July he has to be on his own. He is trying to build his business to be able to afford to leave. Of course he cannot travel now. And he cannot look passed June to plan any date for us. I have to be positive and supportive, all winter long. When I get frustrated I start talking about our future and he doesn't want to when he says he cannot promise before he is free. Then I feel so upset and depressed I need to take a break. This goes on and on. I cannot really tell him how I feel. I feel that we are completely on his terms. I got rid of the stress of my marriage last fall but I have another big stressor here instead. He doesn't see that this is very selfish from his side. I told him today that I worry about my health and I need to tell him how I feel. I cannot just always be positive and support. This stress of not knowing the future is killing me. He seems to be fine with it. He thinks we are so much in love and we have a bright future and that fixes everything. Well, it doesn't for me. I told him this today. He could not say anything so we hang up. He said he is taking an online course in controlling stress and if I'd like to do that with him. What good does that do when he is himself one of my biggest stressors? Now I feel so quilty I know he is thinking about this and sad and puzzled and doesn't understand my side of it. I don't know what to do. I love him but this is honestly just so hard.

**AussieAmericanGirl66** · May 30, 2014, 05:33 PM

I am so much in the same boat, farandaway. In four years, we have never met in person, and don't have a clue when we can. It has mostly been on his terms, because he's the one tied down, he's working 70 hours a week, plus has family obligations, and needs some time with his friends and to go to moves, concerts, and sports.

I used to feel like I was not much of a priority in his life, but lately, he has shown me how much of a priority I am, because he spends his quiet time with me, after he gets home from work. And we do get some very sporadic chat time during the day, when he's on a break, and, occasional Skype when he's driving, which is safer than text, with hands-free mobile (he's a taxi driver, so has to be careful, and not text unless he's parked on a break). Him being 15 hours ahead of me takes a toll on me, because I have adapted to his time zone, and often end up burning the candle at both ends. For both of us, it is a balancing act that is hard to handle sometimes. And he also has the added burden of feeling torn between his obligation to his family, being there for his kids, and wanting to be with me. His kids are important to him, and he tries to be a good father to them. Sometimes he snaps from the stress and says it's just too much. But neither of us wants to give up on us, or break up. So we try to just enjoy each other as we can, enjoy our online relationship, and not worry too much about the future. He hates really talking about the future, knowing he isn't free, and can't commit to me as much as he wants to, and I have stopped pushing and pressuring him about it, because it just causes us to argue over things he doesn't have much control over at the moment.

He is working very hard toward retiring sometime this year, and the youngest of his children is in her teens. I keep thinking that maybe he will be free in a few years, and then we will see what happens. So I'm trying to live my own life separately from him, but very connected to him. He used to tell me to go find someone near me, because this isn't fair to me. But I asked him once if he really wanted me to do that, and how would he feel, and he said he wouldn't feel good, and wouldn't like it at all. He's quit telling me to do that, and he knows I won't. How could I give my heart to someone else, when My Heart is in Australia?

My family thinks I'm crazy sometimes, they have been very judgmental, called me ugly names, said worse things about him. And I often wish I had never said anything about him to them. But, it doesn't stop me from being with him as much as I can. We have a friendship, a strong connection, and a love that transcends everything. We support each other, and are there for each other as much as we can. It's complicated, but worth waiting and working for, and not giving up hope. All we can do is take it a day at a time. Every New Year, we say, well, we made it another year, let's keep it going, it's too good to give up. We laugh about how this might turn into the longest LDR in history.

**differentcountries** · May 30, 2014, 05:35 PM

Originally posted by farandaway View Post

Did I do wrong? I will open up here and have this as my diary because I feel so unwell right now. If someone wants to comment, please do. I just skyped with my boyfriend. I said I am so fatigued and with other symptoms I almost worry that something is wrong with me. Since last summer we've been completely on his terms. I have suffered so much that I have needed to take time off several times. It's this affair thing. He is very unhappily married and wants to leave but it's very complicated. He had to give up his studies because he was single dad to his step son when wife is always working and not in the country. Last summer we talked about him coming to Finland in October but he coudn't arrange a business trip in this direction so he had no alibi to go. He knows that his wife does not care for her son and leaves all of the raising and responsibility to him. The only way he could ever leave is to put son into boarding school. He was against that for a long time but saw no other solution. He then said that when son is in boarding school he could come visit me. That was in January. He was occupied with son's school arrangements until end of Jan and then his wife was was home in Feb so he booked his trip in March. When the time got closer, spending time arguing with his wife caused him such bad chest pain he had to go to the doctor's and they advised him not to travel! (this is very true but almost sarcastic...) So he had to cancel the long awaited trip. Now their lease ends in June and in July he has to be on his own. He is trying to build his business to be able to afford to leave. Of course he cannot travel now. And he cannot look passed June to plan any date for us. I have to be positive and supportive, all winter long. When I get frustrated I start talking about our future and he doesn't want to when he says he cannot promise before he is free. Then I feel so upset and depressed I need to take a break. This goes on and on. I cannot really tell him how I feel. I feel that we are completely on his terms. I got rid of the stress of my marriage last fall but I have another big stressor here instead. He doesn't see that this is very selfish from his side. I told him today that I worry about my health and I need to tell him how I feel. I cannot just always be positive and support. This stress of not knowing the future is killing me. He seems to be fine with it. He thinks we are so much in love and we have a bright future and that fixes everything. Well, it doesn't for me. I told him this today. He could not say anything so we hang up. He said he is taking an online course in controlling stress and if I'd like to do that with him. What good does that do when he is himself one of my biggest stressors? Now I feel so quilty I know he is thinking about this and sad and puzzled and doesn't understand my side of it. I don't know what to do. I love him but this is honestly just so hard.

Hi,

there is a "diary" section here; the blogs. Each person has her/his own blog here.

But to answere to your questions; Being with someone who has not officially left their loved one/ex sounds very difficult for you. And him not having a job, and the both of you having severe stress symptoms.... I feel for you. I don' believe he is being selfish, but he has so many things in his life already that there is hardly any rooom for you. He is probably doing what he can. But you have to decide what you need for yourself. You want a visit soon, and a certainty about the future. Can you try to be creative about it? Since he is so tied up, is it possabe for you to do the visits until he becomes more settled? Learning how to deal with stressors sounds like a good idea, if you decide you want this relationship it will probbably be a bit complicated before the dust settles. It is not very complicated: you want to spend time with him. Tell him.

**merlinkitty** · May 30, 2014, 06:25 PM

What is helping me and my SO is focusing on solutions. We met when I was coming out of a bad relationship and that's what he's always told me. "Focus on the solutions, not the problems." In this case, with so many complications, solutions might be not as much focused on when you can be together, but taking care of the personal issues that stand in the way of your being together. For me and my guy, we've got our own problems keeping us apart, and so we've decided to work on solutions to these issues. It helps keep me focused, not panicked, and hopeful that one day these problems will no longer be part of the equation. You've already got the communication thing down. This is like me and my SO. We've just recently picked up the phone/Skype sessions. Communicate the problems and work to finding a solution to them that can keep both of you focused on tasks that will help bring you two together at last

**farandaway** · June 19, 2014, 05:12 PM

It's good to find so much understanding here. Unfortunately things have not moved on and my SO is so depressed he refuses to talk to me. I wish there was something I could do to help him. His business is not taking off and he is stuck in his life because one needs an income to be on his own. He is so sad and losing hope. I feel so helpless so far away. He does not know where he is living in July and certainly planning any trips for him or for me is not the first thing on his mind. He is such a good man and he is very skilled in what he is doing but why are things not going his way at all...? That makes me pretty depressed and sad, too. I know he misses me as much I miss him. The other night we skyped but what we really did was staring at each other and crying. I would really just like to book a flight and go see him and trust that everything will be okay. He needs someone to hold him and maybe together we could think of a way to be together.

**merlinkitty** · June 19, 2014, 05:53 PM

Focusing on the problems will do that to you

my guy is going through a really tough period and I want nothing more than to pick up, go see him, bring him here, make it better for him. The fact is, I can't. He's got to do it. Sometimes he lets the problems overwhelm him. When we first started talking he would clam up and not say anything so I had no clue what he was going through. By letting him know I'm there for him, letting him see he could lean on me when he needed it, and trust my advice, we've been able to take what is really, honestly an ugly situation, where we've been worried if he was going to have a roof over his head, have food to eat, etc, and focus it on finding solutions.

Part of that is going to take him opening up to you about it. It may take some readjustment on your part. Instead of letting it get to the point where you're both sobbing because things seem so hopeless, try and research for him solutions

For me, I don't know anything about the UK unemployment situation so what I've started doing is researching how the process works, looking into educational opportunities because he's expressed an interest in going back to school, looking for other forms of assistance

basically anything I can give him that he can use to help his situation improve

You may also have to put off seeing each other for a time, like I have. It's just because I know him getting himself in a better way is going to make him so much happier in the long run that I will delay my desires for long-term results

We bring it up about once every week or two, but it's a problem, frustrates and depresses us both, so we don't focus on it. We just focus on the things that are going to bring us together in due course

Even if you were there with him, you couldn't fix this. This is going to take him doing this for himself, but you can be there to support him through it

be his cheerleader, I guess for a lack of better word

Just because he's losing hope doesn't mean you have to either

**farandaway** · June 20, 2014, 03:56 AM

Thanks merlinkitty, I know we need to find solutions.

I have tried to give him options, I have given him contacts and I have tried to support him but i can't stand not ever seeing him (it's soon been a year since last time). I could go on easier if I could just spend a few days with him. Unless he leaves his marriage, it's very hard to arrange to meet (1 and 2 below). He wants to be free but if his business doesn't pick up, he is afraid to leave. His parents would help and I would help, financially too if needed (3 and 4 below)

This is very to the point but I want to give him real alternatives. I hope we can talk about all of this tonight if he is not too depressed again.

1) keep doing what he is doing (working from his office contacting people, it will finally catch). Stay positive. As long as he is making enough money he can move the business to Finland and continue + find Finnish clients
2) look for another job. This would take time. He has many degrees and he would not take just any job. It would take very long for us to be together.
the above options mean that until he has enough money he is afraid to start divorce process because he might end up on the street

3) swallow his pride and start divorce, move to live with his parents for the time being. I don't see anything wrong with this. It's a solution as any other and then he doesn't have to worry about money and he can still look for a job and his divorce would be done sooner. (How long does a divorce take in Massachusetts?)

4) as number 3 but after filing for divorce come to Finland instead and take it from there.

He will not like the options 3 and 4.

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