Anyone whose SO is taken?

[silvermoonfairy3]

I do believe that "the relationship is dead" is sort of an apology (I've used that one before). Who knows how dead it would be if no one better had come along?

Well, I guess that comes back to the old thing.. if it's a happy/healthy relationship, would someone be tempted away?

[Harlequin]

I can be very narrow-minded about cheating, but I do understand it's entirely situational. Having never been married, I don't fully understand this situation, but I can try my best to empathize.
Above all else, I worry that people in this situation are going to be strung along while their partner enjoys the best of both worlds. I've seen that happen, where the partner talks about how much they want a divorce, but they never actually do anything to go through with it. Hell, I know one man who sent his girlfriend (my sister's friend) completed divorce papers from his first marriage, not his current one, in order to get her to stop "bugging" him about getting a divorce from his current wife he's supposedly done with. I don't want think that's a particularly fair situation to be in, so I worry.
I do not agree at ALL with the notion of staying in a miserable marriage for "the sake of the kids". To me, that's selfish and seems to be more about saving face than making sure your kids are happy. My parents are in a loveless marriage. Their marriage died about 23 years ago, and I think all our lives would have been much better if they had just gotten the divorce. If they had cheated on each other, I wouldn'tve blamed them.
And you can tell how dead a relationship is without someone else coming along.

Anyway, to avoid getting more off topic, I just wish you the best in your situation. I hope it's genuine, and I hope you're able to be together openly soon enough.

[Alsfia]

I was in a sort of LDR (long story short we never actually clarified what we were) when I met my current SO and I cheated on my ex with him (and others before him). It was hard to stay but hell of a lot harder to leave, at least in my mind. I eventually decided to end things with my ex completely and that's when my current SO and I decided to go official, and once I had worked up the courage to tell my ex the truth I could really tell how bad my current SO had felt about the whole thing. It took us around 6 months to work everything out after the rocky start.

This is my experience and of course every relationship is different, but if/when he does get a divorce, take into consideration there might be an adjustment period that affects your relationship.

[farandaway]

OP, what exactly are you looking for when asking this question? Do you feel you need a justification for your relationship (i.e., "dead" relationships are normal, etc.)? Or do you want to commiserate / exchange information with other people in overlapping relationships (I am not attached to this label so I am not insisting on it)? Do you have a specific problem related to your SOs marriage you want to discuss here? You probably understand that is hard to stay neutral in a topic that is so ethically charged.

I can answer honestly to this question. I'm here asking this not because I need a justification for what I'm doing but actually I'd like to know how many success stories there are. I guess. I know this happens a lot but I'm guilty enough not to brag about it and try to word it carefully and also try to say I'm not doing it intentionally. I was actually supporting him to continue his marriage for months before he always turned to me when he didn't understand her behaviour.

Yes, I trust him but there is so much talk about "married men never leave their wifes" that it makes me worry sometimes. Especially now when it's dragging for so long. He is in a real situation and nothing I do at this end can speed things up. When she is home (which is not much) he is hard to reach and I wonder what is going on. It is over between them but it is not easy leave. I made my decision pretty quickly but I was in a different situation, I had income and I stayed in our house, I didn't need anything from my ex. And this is Finland, divorces are easy (if you can ever say that).

Somewhere in the back of my mind I think what if I'm waiting in vain... I know he wants to be with me and he really really wants to leave his wife. He is not just saying that. But this is so hard and sometimes I make things up in my mind and I need him to calm me down. He is so stressed (imagine if you have merely days or weeks until your lease runs out and you have to leave and you have no income) and he is not his sweet self but often panicking about future. I push him into a corner about when when when and it's not helping any.

[AussieAmericanGirl66]

Judge me if you have to, I honestly don't give a damn anymore, I've been so judged the last 4 years. Nothing is all black and white, nothing is set in stone. In my case, yes, he's married, but it's been unraveling the whole time, as far as I can tell, but he's been afraid to leave. It's a huge thing to face, leaving all you have known for over 20 years, being torn between doing the "right thing" and wanting to be with someone else who is thousands of miles/kilometres away, especially someone you have only known online and on Skype. The whole thing has to be very daunting for him. It is for me, too.

The way I feel about it, is that it isn't really anyone's fault. Lives were established long before we met, but life can throw you the most unexpected curve balls sometimes. We didn't look for this, but it happened. And we chose to love each other, no matter what. It is much more difficult than either of us imagined, but we couldn't give each other up. I'm sure I'm not the only one that this has happened to. In fact it seems like some of us LDR Affairs are coming out of the closet here on this forum. Maybe we need our own group, where people will not judge.

[leonsfangirl]

I met my now husband online while still married to my ex husband. So i am in no position to judge you. I was cheating on ex husband. Although we didnt meet till after i left my ex it was still cheating. It was hard for me to make the break as children were involved and money played a huge part too. Its hard to walk away from security and the comfort of the old relationship even when its not working out anymore.
My now husband hated being "the other guy" and it caused alot of fights and breaks until i actually left.
Try your best to be there for him, youve been where he is and its not a nice place.

[farandaway]

In fact it seems like some of us LDR Affairs are coming out of the closet here on this forum. Maybe we need our own group, where people will not judge.

Great idea! I was carefully touching base with this question for this reason. We are not intentionally in this to hurt anyone. It is just another of those unexpected turns in life. It's not ideal but it happens. I cheated on my ex (after he had cheated on me...) but he is happily remarrying next month so maybe we did each other a service after all. I can only hope that everything turns out the best for all of us involved.

[OperaDiva]

If you feel that your needs are not being met then you should talk to him. He may be stressed, but so are you and he has to acknowledge that and at least try and make it better for you.

About the judging, I am sure you understand that cheating, or stepping out of the marriage, has an effect on many people. My own father was a betrayed child, and so is my SO. This type of a lie can be devastating even generations later.

[AussieAmericanGirl66]

If you feel that your needs are not being met then you should talk to him. He may be stressed, but so are you and he has to acknowledge that and at least try and make it better for you.

About the judging, I am sure you understand that cheating, or stepping out of the marriage, has an effect on many people. My own father was a betrayed child, and so is my SO. This type of a lie can be devastating even generations later.

By the same token, is it better for children to grow up in a place where there is constant fighting, screaming and yelling, maybe even abuse?

[AussieAmericanGirl66]

Great idea! I was carefully touching base with this question for this reason. We are not intentionally in this to hurt anyone. It is just another of those unexpected turns in life. It's not ideal but it happens. I cheated on my ex (after he had cheated on me...) but he is happily remarrying next month so maybe we did each other a service after all. I can only hope that everything turns out the best for all of us involved.

My ex-husband divorced twice before he got it right. I was the first wife. He's been with his third wife over twice as long as we were together. So it can work out.

[OperaDiva]

By the same token, is it better for children to grow up in a place where there is constant fighting, screaming and yelling, maybe even abuse?

It is never good for children to grow up in such a place. But neither is feeling abandoned, or experiencing a continuous lie. Your implication is not really valid.

[AussieAmericanGirl66]

I can answer honestly to this question. I'm here asking this not because I need a justification for what I'm doing but actually I'd like to know how many success stories there are. I guess. I know this happens a lot but I'm guilty enough not to brag about it and try to word it carefully and also try to say I'm not doing it intentionally. I was actually supporting him to continue his marriage for months before he always turned to me when he didn't understand her behaviour.

Yes, I trust him but there is so much talk about "married men never leave their wifes" that it makes me worry sometimes. Especially now when it's dragging for so long. He is in a real situation and nothing I do at this end can speed things up. When she is home (which is not much) he is hard to reach and I wonder what is going on. It is over between them but it is not easy leave. I made my decision pretty quickly but I was in a different situation, I had income and I stayed in our house, I didn't need anything from my ex. And this is Finland, divorces are easy (if you can ever say that).

Somewhere in the back of my mind I think what if I'm waiting in vain... I know he wants to be with me and he really really wants to leave his wife. He is not just saying that. But this is so hard and sometimes I make things up in my mind and I need him to calm me down. He is so stressed (imagine if you have merely days or weeks until your lease runs out and you have to leave and you have no income) and he is not his sweet self but often panicking about future. I push him into a corner about when when when and it's not helping any.

I have very similar worries. Everybody tells me...he's cheating on his wife, what makes you think he won't cheat on you, or that he isn't cheating on you with other women now? And of course that old song, "once a cheater, always a cheater." And they always say... he's never going to leave her, why don't you move on. But I trust him, and I trust myself, I trust my heart.

I can't push or pressure him, and it's his choice what he wants to do on his end. I know it's very hard for him. But, there are times I wonder how long must I wait? When will it be OUR turn, when will he be free to meet me? The mere fact that he is talking to me about it seriously, gives me hope.

farandaway, and anyone else in this situation: we can't dwell on the what ifs, whens, whys, hows, or on the fears. We must have faith in ourselves, our SOs, and the LOVE that brought us all to this point. We must keep going on with our lives, a day at a time, while we wait and hope for them to be free. What other choice do we have?

[rhabdoviridae]

Well I'll be frank in that I think someone should end their current relationship before truly launching into the next. That's just my own perspective and I respect that other people have different views. But I would be concerned about the married guy never leaving, either because he's just interested in a stimulating dalliance or because he never gets up the nerve to leave what's comfortable. It's all well and good to say, "well, the relationship is dead" but if its truly dead...why is he still in it? Children, finances...okay. But surely there are ways to work it out? I know that I personally wouldn't be able to wait around for any long period of time, but I respect that everyone is different.

[AussieAmericanGirl66]

It is never good for children to grow up in such a place. But neither is feeling abandoned, or experiencing a continuous lie. Your implication is not really valid.

My "implication" is just as valid as your opinion.

[AussieAmericanGirl66]

Great idea! I was carefully touching base with this question for this reason. We are not intentionally in this to hurt anyone. It is just another of those unexpected turns in life. It's not ideal but it happens. I cheated on my ex (after he had cheated on me...) but he is happily remarrying next month so maybe we did each other a service after all. I can only hope that everything turns out the best for all of us involved.

Well, I did it. Check out new group: LDR LOVE AFFAIRS. Hope we can support each other, and let our hair down.