Anyone whose SO is taken?

[AussieAmericanGirl66]

I haven't been in the situation, and it's quite possible that I would behave differently as I've been in other situations that people tend to judge from their high horses... I don't at all mean to put you (or anyone else here) on the defensive - as I said, I respect that others have different viewpoints than I do.

My main concern as someone giving advice to someone else over the internet is the possibility, however remote, that the married individual won't ever leave their relationship and that might compromise the proverbial you's emotions. My place here isn't to judge, it's to give advice that I hope will help others succeed in whatever relationship they have

If by that you mean the "proverbial you" might be devastated, hurt, angry, and confused...you got me. That's exactly how I feel now. He just told me a while ago, after I asked him some pointed questions, "I don't think you would wish that on anyone. I don't plan to be single." So, I told him, Then stop talking about meeting me, and wanting a full-time relationship with me, unless you plan on cheating on your wife for real!

[farandaway]

I'm sorry to hear that. With years into a relationship when you feel that you know each other inside out, there's always the other side of his life that you only know as he's telling you. With with a married man and no real plans to meet it sounds like he is not ready to leave and now he's said that out loud. There's always a certain degree of doubt and when you're in love it's not easy to see any warning signs. I know this all too well. All the best.

[rhabdoviridae]

I'm really sorry to hear about your troubles AAG

[farandaway]

If he is still having sex with her, then that I feel is really unfair to her. She has no idea she is not only sharing her bed with him but you too, and for that, I would blame him. I could never swallow that pill and I would be pissed at him if I was in your shoes too. If he loves you and they are basically through, then he should not be having sex with her. Nobody would be putting a gun to his head to do it either, he does it, if he is, because he wants too.

This is a really personal question and don't answer if it offends you, but are you sleeping with others? If you were, now this woman would be sharing a bed with him, you and whoever you slept with.

It comes down to deception for me, is there deception going on? If there is, then someone is being deceived and that would be wrong.

I don't like the situation either. If he had not been the house husband and taking care of the family and trying to study so hard, then he would be easier to leave as it does take money. They will not be living together from August on but he cannot say bye before he has a place to stay. I will not comment on personal stuff but as he has to pretend I don't exist until he moves it's possible and likely that something has happened on that side since we saw last year. You can say he is selfish and maybe there is deception going on but he has no way of leaving until he can. If he told her he'd be on the street. That's why I'm trying to support his business and creating contacts for him that he can leave sooner, it would be best for everyone.

[AussieAmericanGirl66]

If he is still having sex with her, then that I feel is really unfair to her. She has no idea she is not only sharing her bed with him but you too, and for that, I would blame him. I could never swallow that pill and I would be pissed at him if I was in your shoes too. If he loves you and they are basically through, then he should not be having sex with her. Nobody would be putting a gun to his head to do it either, he does it, if he is, because he wants too.

This is a really personal question and don't answer if it offends you, but are you sleeping with others? If you were, now this woman would be sharing a bed with him, you and whoever you slept with.

It comes down to deception for me, is there deception going on? If there is, then someone is being deceived and that would be wrong.

The way he is out with the guys every chance he gets, or doing things with his son, and talking to me, telling me what he's doing, and sending photos where he is, I get the feeling he is not sleeping with his wife. I just wish he would be honest with her about his feelings. But I can't make him do that. For that matter, I wish he would give me a straight answer, instead of always beating around the bush. The only straight answer he has given me is that he doesn't want to be single. He is afraid of being alone. I know he is afraid of losing everything, afraid to take any chances, or move out of his comfort zones. I can understand that. The distance alone is daunting, let alone the financial problems that would be involved. So, I guess it's just easier for him to stay there, even knowing we will not meet or be together. As for me, I'm not even dating any one, haven't had a man in my life for years. I have been committed to this guy for 4 years.

[Hollandia]

Yeah, but what you don't seem to understand is that wife was ME. I can't accept any excuse for him doing that. If he wants out, then get out. Don't lie to the wife and pretend for whatever reasons, get out. Don't plan behind my back and see other people and then walk out and leave me in shock. That is what, happens when the guys don't tell the wives.

[differentcountries]

I wonder if you mean literally on the street (like she would be mean and just throw his stuff across the yard, and don't even lend him the money for a downpayment for a new flat where he can have the kids over), or just that he won't have that much money?

Because I can see that you will have to walk on eggshells if your current partner is an abusive monster or if you have absoutely no financial security net, but apart from those special circumstances, what is the difference between staying together (and possably sleeping together) for the money, and prostitution?

[Dezface]

It took a long time for me to leave my ex because I was afraid of being broke. But you know what? I did it and I survived. And by a long time I mean a little less than a year after I decided to do it. And that was far too long and unfair to everyone involved.

You can do without a lot money. You truly can. There comes a point when that is no longer a valid reason and becomes an excuse.

And...I'm sorry but if they're still having sex with the spouse, the relationshsip is most certainly not dead. When the relationship is truly over, the last thing you want is to be intimate with that person. Even if you're horny. Or lonely. If you're still unzipping your pants then the relationship continues.

[snow]

And...I'm sorry but if they're still having sex with the spouse, the relationshsip is most certainly not dead. When the relationship is truly over, the last thing you want is to be intimate with that person. Even if you're horny. Or lonely. If you're still unzipping your pants then the relationship continues.

This. As long as he is sleeping with his wife, he can't say the relationship is dead.

[farandaway]

I wonder if you mean literally on the street (like she would be mean and just throw his stuff across the yard, and don't even lend him the money for a downpayment for a new flat where he can have the kids over), or just that he won't have that much money?

I ignored the rest of your friendly post but this is actually the truth. He has been the house husband and a student for years and he has to start all over. It is literally true that he would end up on the street and he knows she would not be supportive at all and there is a risk that she will be so difficult that he won't get to see the kid at all. He wants to play it safe, I can understand that. He is scared but wants to leave badly. And no, they are not doing it any more.

[AussieAmericanGirl66]

I ignored the rest of your friendly post but this is actually the truth. He has been the house husband and a student for years and he has to start all over. It is literally true that he would end up on the street and he knows she would not be supportive at all and there is a risk that she will be so difficult that he won't get to see the kid at all. He wants to play it safe, I can understand that. He is scared but wants to leave badly. And no, they are not doing it any more.

It sounds like he is between a rock and a hard place, which makes it very difficult for you, too. It could be years before everything is sorted out. That is just sad! And I'm sorry you have been judged so much here. Things aren't always as "black and white" as people want it to be.

[farandaway]

I get so frustrated often that if I don't hear from him or he doesn't pick up my call I start accusing him for dragging this and never leaving and it's not healthy and doesn't get up anywhere. I admit that hanging out in the Internet is not the best thing to do for me because everywhere the same line is repeated: he will never leave. It's not true here. He's continuously saying that he needs my love, trust and support to be able to leave and to make a life for us. I'm scared to think that it would be years to get everything sorted out. Divorce is not easy in the States and rationally I understand that if his wife doesn't know about me it might be a quicker process. But years - that's just too daunting to even think about. I wonder optimistically how it could go. Of course we don't talk about that much. It's not about a divorce right now, it's about getting him back on his feet.

[differentcountries]

If he has noone close to ask, are you able to lend him money to move? Divorce can drag on, but here it seems the biggest issue is just getting started.

[Hollandia]

Divorce is only hard in USA if you choose to make it so. Uncontested divorce takes a few months and a few hundred. ...been through them with and without custody. It's not THAT hard unless the spouses make it that way.

[farandaway]

He is afraid that she will make it really hard. She likes drama over simple solutions. I have offered money and I know his parents or brother would lend him some but he says that would only be temporary and won't even consider it. He has until the end of the month to find enough work and a new home and I'm sure he will make it. Keep your thumbs up for him (and for us) if you will!