holding out hope

[beachgirl123]

Hi Everyone! I'm new here but have been lurking for a while.

My guy lives in the UK and I'm in the US. We met in a chat room online back in 1998. We would chat about all sorts of things but just as friends. In April 2011 we finally met face to face. We were friends when we met and nothing more. But, when we first met in person, we had this immediate connection. Since our initial meeting, we have had 7 other visits with each other for about 10 days each time. We never classified ourselves as in a relationship but we knew how well we got along and how we were meant to be together. We talked a lot about our feelings and he even admitted to me that back in '98 when we were just friends (and he had a gf) he would go to sleep next to her thinking about me. He was always skeptical of an LDR and it tore him apart each time we had to leave each other, as it did with me. Anyways, I was due to visit him last week for another 10 days. Two days before I was to leave he told me that I couldn't stay with him because he has been seeing someone for about a month. I couldn't believe he waited until 2 days before I left to tell me this. He said he was debating on not telling me and still enjoying my company as he was looking forward to seeing me. He says he still has feelings for me but he can't handle the distance and can't keep out hope that we will end up together. He said he can't let other relationships pass him by while waiting for things to happen between us. It's just so devastating to me knowing how great we are together and how much we love each other. When I was supposed to be there we were going to discuss ways on how we could close this distance. It saddens me that we never got that opportunity. I should also note that last year he dated someone for about 4 months but broke it off because he didn't have the connection with her like he had with me. I'm hoping that he will realize this with this new girl too. I'm just so sad I don't even know what to do. It feels good writing about it and getting my story out there even if it's not a happy one. I'm still holding out hope that one day it will be.

[Hollandia]

2 Days before a trip to UK? That is kinda a shi$$y thing to do, indeed. My SO and I debated over dating when friends because of LDR thing too. The fact is we both loved each other so much neither of us wanted to be with anyone else. I think if he can't stand the distance he should be working towards closing it and not dating other people because "he can't let that pass". He does not sound like he is willing to make the sacrifices that need to be made to make an LDR work and eventually close the distance.

I am really sorry, but he needs to be willing to be alone without you around and he just does not seem to be willing to do that. I assume he is a grown man and wants to settle down soon, so the question is, is it with you or with anyone he can find to fill that need? When you love someone enough you are willing to lonely and miss them. Has he ever talked to you about who would move where if you want to close the distance? It's been years so I think it is safe to say it is a relationship, just an undefined one. If in this long of a time he has not brought it up, I doubt he wants to close the distance with you. I would bet that if you were to make it so that he had to change nothing in his life he would be fine with still dating you and others at the same time.

If you make over 2200 a month and you two get married after some time he could move to USA. Does he have a good job in UK so that you could live there after marriage? Or is marriage still really far far far off in the future even after over 3 years? If you two have no possible way of closing the distance and he is not on board with a permanent LDR then let him go and go find someone that will be ready to live 5 or 5000 miles from you and still make the effort to be with you and not still out on the dating scene. I don't mean to be harsh, but dating means sex so please make sure you use protection if you do sleep with him anymore. Sorry for your pain.

[Cristiana]

He says he can't stand the distance, but haven't you two met for 7 times until now?
He didn't noticed that he was actually standing it.

I had LDRs before, but none of them went good because I had the same thoughts he has: "I can't let other relationships pass while I wait for him","I couldn't stand the distance" etc. But honestly, I think these are just immature and silly thoughts.
Now it's been almost 5 months since I met my SO for the first time and in 3 days we'll see each other for the third time, and I do know how hard will be to let him go after 11 days together, and get to see him again in quite 2 months.
I realised that if I really love someone, I can stand everything, also distance and time spent on my own missing him.
You two seem to have a great connection, and in my opinion he may be just acting superficially and maybe with a bit of fear. Is easier to get involved in a relationship where you get to see each other everyday, to be together, where things are simple, isnt it?
But he has to reflect on it and decide if is better to stay with someone he really cares about and make an effort for it, or to get involved in another relationship just because it's easier.

Nothing in this world that's worth having comes easy, one of my favorite quotes ever.

[beachgirl123]

We had talked about me going there and him possibly coming here. In April when I booked my flights, he wanted me to just stay in June and not come home. In the middle of May he said he was looking at jobs in the Boston area. Financially we just can't do it at this time. I have bills that I'm trying to pay off and he's just started a new job where he's not earning all he could until he's more established. We had even talked about marriage as that would be the easiest way we could be together, but we both agreed it was a big step and it would be nice to live with each other first. It just sucks because at one point I thought we were on the same page of figuring this out and then he just goes and starts this relationship with someone. He said it started casual and it turned into something. I know he wants to have someone to share his life with and he eventually wants to start a family but if he could have just waited a little longer we could have had that. He said he it's already been 3 years and he doesn't want to wait 3 more with the hope of it happening.

[Hollandia]

We had talked about me going there and him possibly coming here. In April when I booked my flights, he wanted me to just stay in June and not come home. In the middle of May he said he was looking at jobs in the Boston area. Financially we just can't do it at this time. I have bills that I'm trying to pay off and he's just started a new job where he's not earning all he could until he's more established. We had even talked about marriage as that would be the easiest way we could be together, but we both agreed it was a big step and it would be nice to live with each other first. It just sucks because at one point I thought we were on the same page of figuring this out and then he just goes and starts this relationship with someone. He said it started casual and it turned into something. I know he wants to have someone to share his life with and he eventually wants to start a family but if he could have just waited a little longer we could have had that. He said he it's already been 3 years and he doesn't want to wait 3 more with the hope of it happening.

So he is talking about possible marriage at some point with you and you moving there or him moving to you but yet all along he is still dating other people? If you are looking for a monogamous relationship with someone you love, that is not how you do it. I would love to have not done without someone for half of the last three years too, but both me and my SO did because we did not want anyone else.

He needs to just fess up, your not worth the wait for him. Sorry, but that is the message he is sending loud and clear. I would tell him goodbye and unless you are are okay with an open relationship and if you are start dating other men.

To be a bit blunt, His Di#k cannot cash the checks his mouth has been writing. He now does not want you to even visit so that is pretty much writing on the wall that he is investing in this other relationship and not you.

[silvermoonfairy3]

Ooof. This sounds like a tough situation.

LDRs *are* hard.. we all know that. But it sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it, too.
He wants the connection you guys have with the ease of someone near by. Sure..that's the dream for most people. But if he can't have you nearby, his thought is that he should date someone closer... and that's a bad sign for his ability to handle tough things, IMO.

I think you guys need to talk seriously about whether a committed LDR is in the cards. In a lot of ways, it sounds like you already had one, but maybe he didn't feel that way.
If he can't commit to being in an LDR with you while you both know you can't close the distance, maybe you guys should think about 'downgrading' the friendship a bit. I know that sounds harsh, but that's my 30 year old jadedness talking.

I find that for me, trying to be close friends with a guy I'm really into (and especially if he's reciprocated, kinda, but then also dates other people) just doesn't work. It leads to a lot of unhappiness, a lot of wishing things were different, and that in turn leads to not really living your life now.

I'm not saying you guys can't talk, I'm not saying there needs to be some big "if we're not in a relationship, there's no point in the friendship" discussion. I don't think that's ever the case.. if you like someone enough to want to date them, a friendship isn't a waste or somehow a "lesser" thing. However, it often gets labeled as selfish to want to limit the friendship or even hold off on it a bit until you're more "over" the person, and I don't think that's selfish at all. In the same way that I think we need closure and to be able to "move on" after a relationship before we can be friends with an ex, I think we need a certain degree of "moving on" with an unrequited close crush, or an almost-relationship.

Are you dating other people, too, when he is? Are you going to be able to listen to him talk about other girls?

[silvermoonfairy3]

Oh yup.. sorry, with the extra info, I'm afraid I agree with Hollandia.

Especially this:

He needs to just fess up, your not worth the wait for him. Sorry, but that is the message he is sending loud and clear. I would tell him goodbye and unless you are are okay with an open relationship and if you are start dating other men.

He wants to have you on the back burner for if things can change down the road, but in the meantime, not be 'inconvenienced' by not having someone right near by.

Sometimes things do happen down the road, sure, but it's really more in situations where both people started on other paths that just happened to cross again at a point where they were more able to take advantage of it.

You may want to think about trying to move on, and dating other people.

[differentcountries]

The thing is, why do you want this man in your life? Even after all this time, he is not sure the two of you have a future. He keeps dating other women without asking you if you are ok, and being cranky about economical realities. I am sad, too, because this type of behaviour should tell you that even if the two of you should end up together, he is not in the habit of putting you or your relationship first, he does not have a lot of endurence, and he does not think he should hold back to make you happy. Remember, if the two of you should end up cd, you will have to deal with ALL his personality, not just the great ones he has shown during visits. Actually, this is great information to you; Venture beyond here those who dare.

[beachgirl123]

Are you dating other people, too, when he is? Are you going to be able to listen to him talk about other girls?

I have not and am currently not dating other people. I have met guys when I've been out but I just don't feel the connection that I have with my UK guy. As far as him talking about other girls with me, he doesn't like to. It makes him feel awkward.

[beachgirl123]

The thing is, why do you want this man in your life? Even after all this time, he is not sure the two of you have a future. He keeps dating other women without asking you if you are ok, and being cranky about economical realities. I am sad, too, because this type of behaviour should tell you that even if the two of you should end up together, he is not in the habit of putting you or your relationship first, he does not have a lot of endurence, and he does not think he should hold back to make you happy. Remember, if the two of you should end up cd, you will have to deal with ALL his personality, not just the great ones he has shown during visits. Actually, this is great information to you; Venture beyond here those who dare.

I love him. Yes, what he did was a douchebag move and he knows it wasn't right and I know that doesn't make it okay. But I can't get past all of the great times we have had together. Even the not so great times brought us closer together. He said he wasn't out looking for a girl, it just sort of happened. I know it doesn't seem like it, but he is very sensitive and sentimental, so it just boggles my mind how he can just put his feelings for me aside. He did say he wants to continue to be friends with me and whatever happens he does want to see me again. Just now wasn't a good time. The thing is though, I'm not sure we could see each other since he's said he wouldn't be able to remain faithful to his gf if I was around.

[ldrxoxo]

I'm on the same boat as you. People keep telling me to give up that I shouldn't want a jerk who doesn't even have the decency to tell me "I'm busy" and my good times did also outweigh the bad. I really don't want to take him back and make him think he can do that to me again. I'm better than that, but I know deep down I would give him one more chance to see if he's changed. You can still have hope, but don't let it consume you. Keep busy and pick up hobbies. You can also date other people. Don't sit and wait for him when he's not waiting for you. Maybe you will find someone who's more decent nearby. The most disrespect he could do to you is make you become the other woman to your own relationship. Do you really want that? Cut all contacts with him for the time being.

I met a decent local around where I am and hope things pick up. Had I kept waiting for what seems like nothing right now, I would have passed up a new friend.

[Hollandia]

If you allow yourself to be put on the back burner and not move on, you are being his doormat. I had a lot of great times with some of my ex's too, but that does not mean they were the right person for me. I also see a huge red flag in that he gave you 2 days notice to cancel a trip to UK. That is just inconsiderate to even do to a buddy. He does not sound like he thinks very higly of you and he doesn't put you first in anything and yet he wants to be friends and a "we'll see" later. This means you are his back up for when he can't find someone else. You don't treat people you care about this way. Also, if he couldn't remain faithful to her as his GF when you are around it means he would be willing to cheat, this mean he could and probably would end up doing the same thing to you. He is feeding you a line and you are buying it hook, line and sinker. Our connection is so strong and I would cheat on my GF if you were around are things you tell someone to keep them on the hook in case you want them for some more 'good times" later. It is not someone you marry and grow old with. Are you okay with just being his FU$% buddy? If he was THAT into you, he would not want you to hang around as buds that might end up more someday while you pine away for him and miss out on meeting someone that would treat you as a princess and give you the respect that you deserve.

I think you know all this deep down but you are not ready to admit it to yourself yet. It's hard to let go but I don't really see anything to hope for, he picked someone else and now you are what? Hoping he breaks up with her? You hear how sad that sounds? How long you willing to wait? One month? Six months? One year? More? I personally think he has already done 2 dick moves, one by dating others while seeing you,"just met her" my ass, how about the one before, just meet her too? , two by not telling you until 2 days before you leave and now three telling you he wants to be friends and maybe someday more. He is a coward that is afraid to hurt you or a jerk that wants his cake and the possibility to eat it too when and if he decides he wants too. You make excuses for everything he does wrong to you, do you want to live that way?

[whatruckus]

Not gonna lie, but that's the same BS excuse my ex used on me one time. We weren't even that far away from each other. A 40min drive. One of our break ups he used that excuse, "I love you, and I want to be with you, but I don't have the time. If I date someone else, it'll be because they're closer to me."

That's just a cop out. He wants you around when it's convenient for him. About the marriage talk and what not, I did the same thing with my ex. He also made me feel like he was serious. Nope. It was just a way for him to keep roping me in so he could have me when he wanted me.

The way your guy makes it seem is that, he wants you, but he doesn't want to put the effort in and at the same time, he doesn't really want you with anyone else. That's just being selfish. What you need to do is do what he's doing. Try to move on. You never know, you might be ignoring other great guys that you could have a connection with, even more so than your guy now. You would never know because you don't give them a chance. 16 years is a long time to be in this "undefined" relationship with someone who doesn't want to put the effort in, or even try. He doesn't realize at all that he has been "dealing" with the distance if you guys have been so close for so long and made so many trips to see each other.

If you really want him to be with you, you should probably talk to him about that. That an LDR is basically what you guys already have, just without the official title and the exclusivity.

I completely agree with everything Hollandia and Silvermoon have said.

Either he needs to commit to you, and only you, or you need to move on. You're going to be waiting a lifetime for him to come around at this rate. You're 33. Go out, have fun. Meet someone else. ALLOW yourself to meet someone else.

[Zapookie]

This happened to me with someone I met online. We never met in person, but we had a connection and really liked each other. We wanted to meet, but he kept seeing other people and he finally met someone and got into a relationship, and only told me later on. I said "Fuck that" and did my own thing.

You should never give someone the time that they're not willing to give you.

[silvermoonfairy3]

Him saying he couldn't be faithful to his current gf if you were around is a huge red flag. I know it sounds romantic, and it makes you feel like he desires you so much that he wouldn't be able to control himself, but that's actually worrying. That means that he could potentially do that to you, if you were his girlfriend. It means that he doesn't respect his girlfriend, and it means that he doesn't really value the title and commitment that come along with being exclusive with someone.

I know it's hard, I know you keep thinking about all the great times, but it really does sound like he's stringing you along.