Too stressed, I need to talk

[differentcountries]

I believe the best you can do, is first to meet her and get to know her well, then also meeting her family and especially her father. Time will work in your favour as you go along; by October you will have been together over 9 months. If you are willing to convert that may help you. The single most important thing is that you meet her, though. You can't ask her to fight for you and act like your fiance when she has never touched you. Her father sees his role as being someone who should protect her, which is sort of sweet, at the same time his daughter is an adult woman who proably can stand up for herself if she is convinced that it is the right move.

Make sure you use your time in Malaysia to get to know not just your girl, but also the society she is with. Eat the food. Meet her friends. Go where she goes. Try to learn at least some words of the language. Read up on Islam and how it is practiced in Malaysia. Ask your girl about her family and how they are (if the two of you don't feel ready to meet them during your first visit). Tell her lots about yourself and your family, friends, everything in your life (I am sure you feel you have already done that long time ago, but I discover new things about my SO every day).

[François]

I am aware that without met we can't know everything about each other even though we spend a lot of time on the phone when we are at home and even in the office when there is not too much work to do.

She have to talk to her family before I come because if she don't she will not be able to spent much time with me and without being in her house, I'll don't learn many things about her life style. Added to the fact that her parents have a big enough house to lodge me during my visit. Finally, my parents will be very worry if I go there in the actual situation and I should prefer to avoid that.

She will try to convince her dad to talk with me on the webcam to let him know me, a bit like for a CD couple when the girl introduce her boyfriend. I think if she can do that, a big part of the job will be done because it means that he is an open-spirit and I think that I can show him than I am a good person and that I respect her and her religion. I can also introduce the fact that I don't reject the possibility of convert if it is necessary.

She is actually in her grandpa house, she can talk to him today but her network is bad cause he live in a little village. She will wait until she is back home to tell how it happened so I have to wait until tomorrow in my evening to know.

[Ahava]

Keep us posted how things went?

[François]

Of course I will Ahava. I just sent her a message to know if she did it because its already 7.00pm there and i am still waiting for her answer.

I really want to thanks you all for your support and advises. It make me feel better just talking about that with you. Thank you !

edit :

She just replied to my message : It's done, she have talk to her dad but she don't wanna tell me more by message, she want to wait tomorrow when her network will be good enough to call me. I don't know what to think about that.

I hope it's not dead ... Now It's time to run to evacuate my stress.

[TwoThree]

Ummm wow? That is a very cruel thing to do! Leave you hanging for several hours in high stress? Couldn't she at least give you a summary in a very short sentence? What the hell?

[François]

I begged her to tell me if it is a good or a bad result, but she didn't. She just sent me a message this morning to tell me than she is on the way back home and she will call me when she reach.

I have spent a very bad night, waking up every hours and having nightmares. I have felt a lot of sensations since yesterday, sadness, anger, indifference, ... I am someone who can be easily stressed and I am at the top.

I don't know what he said yet and I have thought about a million of scenarios, good but mostly bad. I try to convince myself that it is not good or bad, but in the middle. The most plausible scenario for me is that he will want to talk to me before taking a decision. But I have no certainty.

I think she will be at home in 4 or 5 more hours if all goes well, so my deliverance approach ...

I'll tell you

[Ahava]

Hey
I'm so sorry for how it's been for you, I would not have slept either.
Hope you can manage to calm down abit and rest. I know it's impossible to get your mind of this and think about other things.

Hope the result is the best posible, bon courage!

[Hollandia]

I think that it all comes down to how devout the partners are in a inter-religion relationship. I am a Christian and my SO is an atheist. We had some conversations about how we respect each other's rights to believe what they do and we never try to "change" each other's mind. We can talk about the subject but I never try to preach to him and he never dissed my belief in God. This works for us, any kids we would have together would be presented both sides and they could make their own decisions.

This won't work if either partner is not willing to accept the other partner's beliefs and agree to co-exist with them. If you would need to convert to be with her, then that is what will need to happen. If her family is super devout then most likely this will be the case. It is hard to hear, but really it's just a cold hard fact. Those that have no wiggle run for other religions will not accept other's being married into the family. You also would most likely have to raise your children in that religion. If you are willing to do all that then I think you can be quite happy and make it work. If you feel this is a deal breaker then you should really think hard about the life choices you are making right now.

[François]

She is actualy on the phone stuck by her boss cause she call me from office.

Her dad simply listened to her and said no.

His explaination is that we have different religion and we live too far from eacch oter so it will be hard so he simply forbide her to keep talking to me. She don't wanna stop our relationship, but we don't know what should we do ?

I don't know what to do, what to think about that. I feel sadness and anger. It's her choice, our choice, if we don't try we will never know if it work. Why he simply don't let her make her own choices ? Live her own live ? I know its due to there culture but it's not easy for me to understand it.

I would like to tell her to join me in France because thinks would be easier here. I asked her what would happen if I come to meet her but I think it won't be a good idea cause we don't know what could be his reaction.

I need advises, I feel lost ...

[Hollandia]

She is actualy on the phone stuck by her boss cause she call me from office.

Her dad simply listened to her and said no.

His explaination is that we have different religion and we live too far from eacch oter so it will be hard so he simply forbide her to keep talking to me. She don't wanna stop our relationship, but we don't know what should we do ?

I don't know what to do, what to think about that. I feel sadness and anger. It's her choice, our choice, if we don't try we will never know if it work. Why he simply don't let her make her own choices ? Live her own live ? I know its due to there culture but it's not easy for me to understand it.

I would like to tell her to join me in France because thinks would be easier here. I asked her what would happen if I come to meet her but I think it won't be a good idea cause we don't know what could be his reaction.

I need advises, I feel lost ...

Do you think she would give up her religion and her family to move to you after being together for six months even though she can afford to live on her own but chooses to live with her parents now? If she is a strong independent woman then she should be able to stand up to her dad enough to try to find a compromise if you were willing to convert, but if she is just going to do as he says because she's under his roof, her choice, then I don't see her ever doing that. If she did, I think she would regret it and resent you for it. I am sorry but if both partners are not willing to make sacrifices then LDRs can't work. She wants to be with you if her dad is okay with it, and if not, she "has to listen to him and has to break up".

This tells me her culture, her beliefs are quite strong. I wonder why she even started dating you knowing this, and I am sorry for your pain. I think you need to take your loss now and be glad this did not happen a few years down the road. These are the type of questions that are dealbreakers for relationships that should be brought up a few weeks into dating. If one person really wants kids and another does not, it cannot be overcome. If one person needs another to be their religion and they don't want to be, this too is doomed. If her dad won't ever consider it and she won't even consider not obeying him then you have your answer.

I highly recommend that you don't have her come live with you in France to escape her dad....can she even get a visa? What happens when she has to go back? Are you thinking of marrying her to stay with her? Don't ever marry someone or move in together unless you are doing it because you want to be married to them or you want to live with them.

[François]

Its 6am here and I have sleep only 1h. That don't stop turning in my head.

Yes, make her come is not a good idea, going there in that situation ins't too.

About the religion, like I wrote earlier, I dont practice my religion and if I have to convert, its not a big problem for me. I have already think about that and also started to read the Koran who is the first step.

I can see only 3 options at this time :
1, she obbey to her dad and brake with me. That's not what she want, and for me too, but its the reasonable one.
2, we continue our relationship secretly like until now. But I think it will drive us in a wall cause we dont solve the problem.
3, she stand up and face her dad. I dont know if she is able to do that but I think it is the only way to stay together. It will not be easy, but if she do that and if we find a way to show him than it can work maybe we have a chance.

[TwoThree]

Is you SO a devout Muslim? I feel like this is very important to mention. Islam is pretty big on being obedient to one's parents and needing your father's approval for marriage.

I'm really sorry for your situation and I can only imagine the turmoil you're going through. I'd like to say though that it is very similar to a previous experience of mine. I know exactly how she feels, and I have a pretty good idea of how it must be for you.

The fact that she previously said that she would not go against her father's wishes, before even knowing that he would not approve, doesn't seem like a good sign at all. She seems to be very close to her family, so I really doubt she would choose you over them.

Bringing her over to France is a huge risk. If she leaves her country and family she might be trapped and unable to come back to Malaysia. That puts a huge pressure on your relationship, and as I said before, after knowing each other only six months and having never met in person, that's a recipe for a disaster. So better forget about that right now.

I'm sorry but I don't see much of a future for you both. Even if you were to visit her in Malaysia, I think that now that her father knows, he will pay much more attention to her comings and goings, so meeting in secret doesn't sound feasible.

I know it's very hard and I know you've invested a lot in your relationship, but in the grand scheme of things, six months is not enough to do lasting damage. You should definitely move on. Even if she says she doesn't want to break up, she has to show you that she is willing to come up with a plan to make things work, and I doubt she'll do that.

Be strong.

[François]

We had a new conversation, and even if she said the opposite, I'm scare to knew you are right.

I know a bit more about her conversation. At the beginning when her dad start objecting, her mum said "if they don't try, they will never know if it can work", but her dad rejected her argument saying "It's not a think you have to try". (word to word) I don't understand this argument,. If he didn't try to have a relationship with her mum they would never been together. After that reflection, her mum didn't said an other word until the end. That show me two thinks; first, her mum seams to agree; second, her dad don't wanna try to understand and is authoritarian.

I told her than I would follow her whatever the decision she take. She said than she would try to talk to her dad again because that kind reaction isn't usual for him. She think he was chocked by this news so she want to try to talk again with him later (maybe before this weekend) and try to convince him to talk to me.

She was crying on the phone every time, she said a lot of times than she is sorry for making me sad and that she love me and don't wanna leave me. It give me hope, even if I know it would not be easy. But I try to prepare myself if finally she decide to break with me. Someone know why life is so complicated ?

[Hollandia]

We had a new conversation, and even if she said the opposite, I'm scare to knew you are right.

I know a bit more about her conversation. At the beginning when her dad start objecting, her mum said "if they don't try, they will never know if it can work", but her dad rejected her argument saying "It's not a think you have to try". (word to word) I don't understand this argument,. If he didn't try to have a relationship with her mum they would never been together. After that reflection, her mum didn't said an other word until the end. That show me two thinks; first, her mum seams to agree; second, her dad don't wanna try to understand and is authoritarian.

I told her than I would follow her whatever the decision she take. She said than she would try to talk to her dad again because that kind reaction isn't usual for him. She think he was chocked by this news so she want to try to talk again with him later (maybe before this weekend) and try to convince him to talk to me.

She was crying on the phone every time, she said a lot of times than she is sorry for making me sad and that she love me and don't wanna leave me. It give me hope, even if I know it would not be easy. But I try to prepare myself if finally she decide to break with me. Someone know why life is so complicated ?

Did she mention to her Dad you would be willing to convert? That your children would be raised in her religion and that you would be willing to move there so as not to separate the family? Are you willing to do all that? If so, maybe then he might consider it more, but those are things that should be pretty far down the road after only 6 months so even that is pretty hard for you to consider at this point.

[François]

Did she mention to her Dad you would be willing to convert? That your children would be raised in her religion and that you would be willing to move there so as not to separate the family? Are you willing to do all that? If so, maybe then he might consider it more, but those are things that should be pretty far down the road after only 6 months so even that is pretty hard for you to consider at this point.

I don't know If she have mentioned that to her dad. If she didn't, I'll tell her to do it next time. I will ask her if she did but actually we are enjoying the time we have together and we decided to put this issue aside for few days, time to recover from the shock.

We have already talk about that many times. I feel like I could do all of that but as you said it's pretty far down the road after only 6 months.