I wish I had more than bad news to keep posting on here o.o but well... I don't know anyone else in my situation in real life so you guys are kind of my rock <3
Anyway, remember I posted a few days ago about my boyfriend being weird? Well he apologized and things seemed better and then it was back to bad. I was fed up and ready to break it off one night... tired of his games and making me feel unwanted. So I called him on Skype and confronted him about shit. He broke down, started crying and finally owned up to the truth. So, back in 2011-12, when he and I started video chatting regularly, my bf (friend at the time) was actually going through chemo. This was hard on me as I had to see him get sicker and sicker and just be his friend. I was devastated the first time I saw him on camera after having seen pictures of him. He's an athletic guy, used to be a Marine and when he finally turned his camera on he was... skeletal with patches of missing hair and the most horrible dark circles and cough and... it was hard. Just remembering that makes it hard for me to not get emotional. He never knew but after that first call I cried. He was so sick. Well he went through all that and then he beat cancer. Well on the Friday before Father's Day (when he started being weird) he had gone to the doctor (without telling me) because he had been feeling ill for the last couple of weeks. So back to Saturday when h starts crying and he tells me "they found something" and my heart dropped. I was mad at him, beyond mad, for having hid something from me and only having it come out when I come at him like a bull. He admitted he was scared and that chemo had been hell and that he couldn't even imagine going through it again. I started crying too and well he admitted he was pushing me away because he was scared and he was trying not to but between this and the memories of his father he feels guilty, alone and well it was a sore reminder of his past.
I tried reminding him I'd be there for him even when he was acting like a shit head sometimes. But truth is... I'm terrified, angry (at the world and cancer more than at him) and well... I don't know what to do. I've put on a brave face for him and today is the day he was supposed to find out. He left for the doc at 6:30 am my time and it's now 12:30 pm and nothing. I know he works at a very demanding job and can't use his phone and I promised I wouldn't ask... that I'd wait to know it from him. But I wish I would know by now. I wish he would tell me. This can either mean two things: 1) it is cancer again and he is having a hard time dealing with it or 2) It's good and he's just letting the stress roll off before talking to me. Either way I'll do as promised and give him his space but it's no secret I'm crawling out of my skin here.
If it is cancer I'll just have to be there for him like I was before. I will be. But of course this has consequences to us meeting. I know it's selfish to even bring up but it is something *else* to add to stress. If it isn't then I don't even know how I'll react... how do you even react tio such amount of relief? I can't even imagine it at this point.
Again guys, thanks for listening/reading. I know I post a lot of this here and everyone is always ready to be so supportive. Not a lot of people know what it's like to be in an LDR specialñly when you have such a strong connection to someone you've never touched. You gusy get it and are so supportive that I don't know what I'd do without this group.
Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.
Anyway, remember I posted a few days ago about my boyfriend being weird? Well he apologized and things seemed better and then it was back to bad. I was fed up and ready to break it off one night... tired of his games and making me feel unwanted. So I called him on Skype and confronted him about shit. He broke down, started crying and finally owned up to the truth. So, back in 2011-12, when he and I started video chatting regularly, my bf (friend at the time) was actually going through chemo. This was hard on me as I had to see him get sicker and sicker and just be his friend. I was devastated the first time I saw him on camera after having seen pictures of him. He's an athletic guy, used to be a Marine and when he finally turned his camera on he was... skeletal with patches of missing hair and the most horrible dark circles and cough and... it was hard. Just remembering that makes it hard for me to not get emotional. He never knew but after that first call I cried. He was so sick. Well he went through all that and then he beat cancer. Well on the Friday before Father's Day (when he started being weird) he had gone to the doctor (without telling me) because he had been feeling ill for the last couple of weeks. So back to Saturday when h starts crying and he tells me "they found something" and my heart dropped. I was mad at him, beyond mad, for having hid something from me and only having it come out when I come at him like a bull. He admitted he was scared and that chemo had been hell and that he couldn't even imagine going through it again. I started crying too and well he admitted he was pushing me away because he was scared and he was trying not to but between this and the memories of his father he feels guilty, alone and well it was a sore reminder of his past.
I tried reminding him I'd be there for him even when he was acting like a shit head sometimes. But truth is... I'm terrified, angry (at the world and cancer more than at him) and well... I don't know what to do. I've put on a brave face for him and today is the day he was supposed to find out. He left for the doc at 6:30 am my time and it's now 12:30 pm and nothing. I know he works at a very demanding job and can't use his phone and I promised I wouldn't ask... that I'd wait to know it from him. But I wish I would know by now. I wish he would tell me. This can either mean two things: 1) it is cancer again and he is having a hard time dealing with it or 2) It's good and he's just letting the stress roll off before talking to me. Either way I'll do as promised and give him his space but it's no secret I'm crawling out of my skin here.
If it is cancer I'll just have to be there for him like I was before. I will be. But of course this has consequences to us meeting. I know it's selfish to even bring up but it is something *else* to add to stress. If it isn't then I don't even know how I'll react... how do you even react tio such amount of relief? I can't even imagine it at this point.
Again guys, thanks for listening/reading. I know I post a lot of this here and everyone is always ready to be so supportive. Not a lot of people know what it's like to be in an LDR specialñly when you have such a strong connection to someone you've never touched. You gusy get it and are so supportive that I don't know what I'd do without this group.
Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.
I hope you find the strength to be there for him. He will need you. I really hope he's going to be OK. Please keep us posted.
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