Confused about our relationship status

[Indie]

Hi

I met a guy online by chance, and we fell in love. It's been nearly 2 years.
We haven't met in person yet, we live on complete opposite sides of the world.

I don't know why, but we have never made our 'relationship' official. It's somewhat open, and we consider ourselves to both be single, but not looking for another person to date (we only need each other.) This single status is only because distance is such a huge factor. He adores me, and I feel the same way about him.
I don't call him my 'boyfriend' or anything like that, but we are planning to spend our lives together once I finish university, so we are serious about our feelings.

Sometimes we get a bit jealous about what the other person is doing. Not often, but occasionally.
Today I was out, and a guy asked me for my number, because technically I'm single. I told my SO about this, and he got a bit sad. I understand why, of course. But things like this happen a lot. We had a little disagreement, and he said it would make him upset if I was to go on a date with this guy.

So I suggested something.... I thought that the next time someone asks me if I'm single, instead of saying 'yes' I thought I could say, 'No sorry, I'm spoken for.'
I asked him what he thought about this, and well, he didn't really seem to like the idea. He said that he liked the fact that my parents and close friends knew about him and me, but he didn't really want strangers to know anything. It hurt my feelings. I guess I felt a bit abandoned, like he didn't want to show allegiance to me.
I guess this was just such a heart-opening thing for me to suggest, and I got shot down in flames.

Should I be worried about this?
I was expecting him to say that he likes the idea and that he will say the same is anyone asks him. But why isn't he showing loyalty to me? It's hardly like I'm tying him down.


Thanks

[François]

Hi

I can understand your feeling. I was like your "friend" at the beginning, I met my girlfriend online and we started our relationship 2 years later.
At the beginning when she start talking about a LDR, I suggested to cut the line between us. Happily, I didn't.
I was afraid by the idea to be in a LDR, I thought it could work only in the movies, and I was afraid to be hurt. She said "if we don't try we will not know what we loose, and maybe we will regret it.". I have spent few days, thinking about that and finally a simple search on Google showed me than their is a lot of people in that situation and it really work for them, so why not for us ? let's go !

Maybe he is feeling like me at this time, if you think it can work between you, try to proove it to him. For exemple you can show him some videos of LDR couples first meeting on Youtube (I cried when I saw my first :'(), and the most, show him this website and forum , it really helped me to take me decision when I found it.

Good luck

[farandaway]

It's not necessary something to be worried about. The distance is a huge deal. If I think about a lot of people around me, I know it's not a good idea to tell everyone not because it's something to hide but because they just would not understand. Having a serious relationship with a person who is thousands of miles apart and you have never met. Most people understand by a relationship being physically together and the very few people I have told still some of them give me looks like "Get real! How could that every work out?" Maybe he is worried about something like that? But otherwise saying you're single and open to new relationships, it's just not true.

The other side of it is that if you are serious with someone nothing at all should stand in your way, least of all what other people think. But it can get complicated and I don't care to explain all the details to anyone. If single status is there for the reason that you are allowed to date others in the meanwhile, then it's different. But as I understand you two want to close the distance one day. Maybe try to talk about it and find out what are the reasons behind it. Also what is his mother tongue? One thing is also if English is not his mother tongue, he could understand your statement very differently than what you actually meant.

[LovingAcrossTheAtlantic]

I agree with farandaway about asking what the reason behind the "single" status is.

If you think you two should in some way define the relationship, talk to him about your feelings. Express all the reasons you would like to. And tell him just because you say you are spoken for doesn't mean you have to tell anyone by whom or that it is a long distance relationship. Because no one else has to know your business.

[differentcountries]

What does "somewhat open" mean? You get to sleep with other people, or you are together execpt you don't use that word?

You don't have to tell anyone you are together if you don't want to. What you say to one another is a whole other thing. If you want to shun off people asking you out, you can say "it is complicated" or that you are not ready for a relationship.

[Ziltoid555]

Explaining your LDR status to anyone who isn't a close friend or family member can be a bit awkward, so your SO's discomfort is understandable. However, you should both be able to clearly and openly communicate your feelings about your relationship status, and come up with a reasonable solution for those sticky situations. You could define things more clearly, be open/poly, or even come up with a funny and creative response for those hopeful suitors. Granted, saying you are not interested should be sufficient if you don't want someone to flirt with you, but having any response other than you are single be verboten may keep running you into issues.

[Hollandia]

I think you need to clearly define what your exclusivity level is. If he still wants you to tell others you are single then this raises a red flag to me. I think that it might mean he does not want to strangers that is taken for and so this infers that he might still want to see other people. You are going to have to come out and ask him, never assume time equals exclusivity.

[silvermoonfairy3]

Hmmmm.. I don't necessarily think it's something to be worried about, but it could be worth discussing.

Is he around your age/also still at university?

[conejita_hada]

I agree with Hollandia on this, you need to discuss the status and if you're exclusive. If he does not want to be exclusive with you, why not give out your phone number (unless you personally don't want to)? After two years, it's necessary to figure out where you both stand instead of waiting. If he gets upset about the prospect of you going on dates with others but refuses to give a commitment, that's not fair to you.

[rhabdoviridae]

"We had a little disagreement, and he said it would make him upset if I was to go on a date with this guy.

So I suggested something.... I thought that the next time someone asks me if I'm single, instead of saying 'yes' I thought I could say, 'No sorry, I'm spoken for.'
I asked him what he thought about this, and well, he didn't really seem to like the idea."

He needs to decide. Either you are not "spoken for" and you can go on a date with whomever you choose, or you are spoken for, and you will agree not to date other people. If he doesn't want you to date other people, he needs to say that and own up to his feelings. If he wants to date other people but doesn't want you to date other people...that's not cool. I would have a serious discussion about this. There's no reason not to be exclusive if you plan to spend the rest of your lives together, as you mentioned. If you want to date around before then, that's fine, but you need to be on the same page.

[asellus]

I suppose It was to tell him smthn about guys asking for you number. It cannot cause any positive thing. I supppose this was yhe way to make him think about status or your relationship. If so I can't say It was right. If you have clear idea about your future you can just talk about this status. You attend to be together in future, you love each other - there's no difference how to call this situation. My friend has met girl from Iceland fo 3 years they've always been chatting fo hrs on skype and they didn't bothered about how to call their relationship. They just love each other and there was no question about meeting other person.