Is missing easier for guys?

[farandaway]

It's so hopeless sometimes. I've been wanting to quit several times during last year. I can't take the physically missing him. I don't like the American way (sorry to generalize this...) of giving false hope. Yes, we will see each other... it won't be so hard anymore... it will be soon... don't worry so much... I want to take his word but it's never like that. So far each time we've seen each other we've said next time won't be so long but what has really happened is that this is the longest ever, over a year now... I know he has his reasons and he misses me, too but I also believe that if you really really want something you will find a way.

I can say to his defense that he was in a mentally abusive relationship when we met online and it's been a long way out. Now he is finally on his own with so many things to deal with that it is not the fist thing on his mind to find the time to visit me. I took courage and suggested that I go see him in October when I can arrange it that my kids are away and he didn't oppose to that. He actually said it sounds nice. But I'm so hesitant and it's hard to believe him. We do communicate a lot, daily many messages if we cannot skype. I know he is full speed arranging his life so that he can finally move to Finland to be with me. In the 2,5 years that we've known each other, we've spent less than 3 weeks together. From that I know we get along very well and we love each other very much but it's still a long way to commit living together for the rest of our lives. That's also why meeting face to face and experiencing daily lives would be super important, not just a holiday and a hotel life.

Still, I have to initiate our visits and I have been at the point of severe desperation when he couldn't do it before. I have said bye bye to him but couldn't keep the distance for more than a week at a time. Now at least he is on his own and I can contact him freely and it's starting to feel like our life together is finally beginning. But why does he not need to see me physically? I know he would want to but his work, lack of time and money, family matters, settling his divorce etc are taking all his attention that my needs don't get heard.

I'm thinking is this a guy thing? For me it would be so much easier to know that I'm the one he really wants and I'm the one he loves if he could be here to show it to me. Even for a few days. Instead of waiting and waiting with no definate plans. I've tried to be patient and I've also tried to put my foot down. He says there are a lot of issues he cannot control in his life and if he had it his way there's no other place where he would rather be than with me. Then I'm thinking again if this is what you really want, why don't you make it happen. He also has this strange way of not saying anything when I confront him. I do all the talking and that makes me furious and I might say something mean and then that makes him shut up even worse and then we might just end skype when there is no more two way communication. I feel so terrible when it happens. When all I want to say is I love you and I want to be wth you.

I feel like my love is so strong that I could do almost anything for him. I always think with my heart first. He can be really sweet and write long love letters but then he rationalizes everything and doens't let his heart take the lead. If he asked me to fly there I would. I would find a way. Skype is great but it's a faint shadow compared to having someone to feel and touch.

I'm so hoping that our October will happen, it's not that far in the future and I can wait if I know it will really happen. He said we will talk about it later in the week. Wish me luck!

[Unconditional]

Hmm, my SO was the first one to bring up visiting me. Everyone is different though.
the general topic question: Missing someone is never easy for anyone, though society seems to think women miss more than men, or are needier than men. That certainly isn't the case, everyone misses and everyone is somewhat needy. It's just different degrees of each due to everyone being completely different from everyone else.
I wouldn't worry, I'm sure he is very excited to finally be able to meet you. He just may be trying to protect his heart from getting hurt because of his last relationship.

[LovingAcrossTheAtlantic]

I don't think its really any easier for guys, if anything they crave the physical attention just as much as we do. However, guys in general don't express their emotions as much as us. So he may just not know how to tell you. Its nothing that I would worry about if I was you.

Also, I think that you having to initiate visits isn't bad. He may want to but not know how, when, or where, ect. He just may not be able to and doesn't want to say he will then not be able to go through with it.

And as a side note, I don't think its an American thing to give false hope. I've had friends all over the world who all gave me different false hopes. Its a human kind in general thing. And I don't think he is giving you false hope at all. It sounds more like he is trying to calm your fears or worries.

[Unconditional]

Also, I think that you having to initiate visits isn't bad. He may want to but not know how, when, or where, ect. He just may not be able to and doesn't want to say he will then not be able to go through with it. .

He also may just not want you to think he's moving to fast and weird you out. My SO started it out like, "This might sound weird but.."
He sounded really worried that I might say no or something, as if! Lol

[conejita_hada]

But why does he not need to see me physically? I know he would want to but his work, lack of time and money, family matters, settling his divorce etc are taking all his attention that my needs don't get heard.

I get that there are some things women and men do differently but it's such a simplification of a more complex issue. It's not a "guy" thing. Individuals are different and scenarios are different. I think the quoted text from your post provides the explanation. He wants to but has issues that really need his attention.

[farandaway]

My SO has shown me during the last week that he is missing me as much as I miss him. When he is going through tough times he wants to keep to himself and it makes me feel that I'm very needy and start doubting us when he doesn't get a chance to talk. Now he is starting a new chapter in his life, living on his own and I will be a big part of that. He has very sweetly surprised me with phone calls during my day just to say he loves me. I suggested a trip in October and he thought it is a really good idea and we will work out the dates. His business prevents him from leaving but I can go see him. So I will have a talk with my kids' teachers when school starts and arrange everything and then I will book my trip to see him!! Now this the hard part.... waiting... first waiting to know when and then waiting for it to happen... I'm so excited already! It will be about 2months from now! After a year it's doable

[rhabdoviridae]

I don't think it's necessarily easier for guys at all, they're just generally less expressive about things like emotions than women. That doesn't mean he doesn't want to be with you.

But I think you're being a bit hard on him. It sounds like there is a lot going on in his life right know, including settling a divorce which is very taxing mentally and emotionally. I know that when I'm stressed, it's harder for me to communicate. I would give him time to deal with his life and let things calm down before you go after him for not giving back to you enough. Don't be another stressor in his life, be his refuge from that stress.

[TwoThree]

It's not a guy thing. I don't know if you can compare how much one misses the other, but my SO dwells on missing me more than I do, and expresses his feelings in that regard more often. Of course it could be because he lives by himself, in a different city from his family and I don't. But here we are.

[AussieAmericanGirl66]

My SO has shown me during the last week that he is missing me as much as I miss him. When he is going through tough times he wants to keep to himself and it makes me feel that I'm very needy and start doubting us when he doesn't get a chance to talk. Now he is starting a new chapter in his life, living on his own and I will be a big part of that. He has very sweetly surprised me with phone calls during my day just to say he loves me. I suggested a trip in October and he thought it is a really good idea and we will work out the dates. His business prevents him from leaving but I can go see him. So I will have a talk with my kids' teachers when school starts and arrange everything and then I will book my trip to see him!! Now this the hard part.... waiting... first waiting to know when and then waiting for it to happen... I'm so excited already! It will be about 2months from now! After a year it's doable

Just hang in there. It sounds like things are working out for you. So happy for you!

[differentcountries]

I don't think you can compare feelings, but SO usually claims that he misses me more than I miss him. I think in part that is his way of talking (in fact that is how he talks to his guests at work , too), in part there may be something to it as he lives alone, far away from most his family while I live with my husband and lots of family in the same town. Still having loved ones around me doesn't give me him. I am the one who will cry over Skype, he will just go really, really quiet. There are really so many ways to show emotions. If anything, I think sometimes missing can be harder for many guys because they are more easily overwealmed.

[Miasmata]

Guys are people too, and thus can be all kinds of ways, just like people of all other genders. I would chalk up any genderspecific differences to the fact that society still makes it more acceptable for women to be openly emotional than for men. Your partner is an individual, and you should treat his feelings with that individual respect.