Grrrrr!!!!! Communication Rant
Hello lovely people,
Potentially lengthy rant alert....
So. I'm in the UK. SO is Canadian but currently in Norway. He is crew on a sail training vessel - his mistress - a beautiful fully rigged sail vessel (how can a girl compete with that?). That's how we met - I often crew a similar vessel. We've known each other 19 months. About 4 months of that we spent living and working together on sail vessels. Another month together at his place in Vancouver, several weeks at mine in the UK and the occasional day in a port when ships are in convenient places. We've been beating around the bush for a long time as neither of us wanted to confront the reality of an LDR. However, in May, we spent a week together at my place between sailing together on my vessel for 2 months and him leaving for a long stint with the mistress. During that week we 'manned up' and made it official. Wahoo! And finally exchanged the 'L' word, which I think we'd both silently known was the reality for a while. Wahoo! Then he had to catch a flight 20 minutes later. Not so wahoo....
He sails the vast majority of the time. I only do it casually (as a volunteer) and am now based back on land, and have just signed a 6 month 9-5 contract. Communication is not possible when he is at sea. Yes, this is annoying, but its a fact of life when sailors are involved and that is fine....nothing we can do about it.
So that leaves me excitedly refreshing my inbox every 30 seconds when his ship gets into port. And, usually, getting gradually more and more frustrated as the hours tick by and I get....nada. A few weeks ago he got into port and I had almost nothing from him for a couple of days. Port is busy. It doesn't mean off-duty and it doesn't mean automatic internet access. But he was uploading pictures on facebook. So I got a little upset that I'd had so little communication and told him off. Very nicely, though! Told him off and apologised for nagging and for being grumpy. Because I HATE being mad at him. And the last thing I want is for me to just be this nagging internet-based presence that moans at him every time he is on land. I let him know that I was upset that he had time for facebook but not for me and that I needed to feel like a bit more of a priority. We saw each other a couple of weeks later (sailing to the same place on different vessels) for a few hours and he put the effort in to come and see me as much as possible when we were in port. We talked about communication a little and he seemed to understand where I was coming from. That was 2-3 weeks ago. He is now finishing his current contract and will have to fly straight back to Canada from Norway.
When he was in England in May we had planned that he would come to the UK on a working holiday visa early next year and we would move in together for year. That plan has gone to pot because two fantastic sailing contract possibilities came up for him. Of course I was upset....but also completely supported him going for these contracts - too good an opportunity to miss. So when I left Norway we had no idea which continent he would be on, or when we'd be able to see each other again. But far from keeping me up to date with what is going on I feel like he is completely shutting me out. He got into port two days ago now and has been online for hours. I had two snapchats (so about 6 words) the day before yesterday and now nothing. He has a lot on his pate at the moment, is really busy and (hopefully) enjoying his last few days on board in Norway. But is it too much to ask that I get some time too? I mean, am I being overly needy to want to know which continent he is going to be on, how things are looking for the contracts...perhaps a conversation on what this means for us? It makes me feel pretty unimportant when he has time to upload shedloads of photos online but not to even send me a quick line congratulating me on my new job!
Last week I sent him a list of all the good things about us and him which I miss and look forward to next time we're together to cheer him up. Wanting to make a positive, romantic gesture. I can't be 100% certain he has seen it but he has had ample opportunity.....I've not had a word back about that either.
In person, he is great with communication. He starts the serious conversations as often as I do. And he is usually pretty good when hes away, too. But since he left England communication seems to have just taken a major nose dive. Could this even just be him freaking out about our new status? If so I certainly don't want to push him away by nagging him! Its tricky. I love and miss that man so much. And I know he loves me. I really do. But I feel like he just isn't making an effort lately. Since he left the UK he has seemed so emotionally distant. I don't want to nag him. I don't want to feel I have to nag him! I have brought this up once before, only a few weeks ago. But here we are again. With me feeling pretty damn low on his priority list.
Sorry about the giant rant .... I hope it is vaguely coherent. I'm just going slightly mad over here.....
Potentially lengthy rant alert....
So. I'm in the UK. SO is Canadian but currently in Norway. He is crew on a sail training vessel - his mistress - a beautiful fully rigged sail vessel (how can a girl compete with that?). That's how we met - I often crew a similar vessel. We've known each other 19 months. About 4 months of that we spent living and working together on sail vessels. Another month together at his place in Vancouver, several weeks at mine in the UK and the occasional day in a port when ships are in convenient places. We've been beating around the bush for a long time as neither of us wanted to confront the reality of an LDR. However, in May, we spent a week together at my place between sailing together on my vessel for 2 months and him leaving for a long stint with the mistress. During that week we 'manned up' and made it official. Wahoo! And finally exchanged the 'L' word, which I think we'd both silently known was the reality for a while. Wahoo! Then he had to catch a flight 20 minutes later. Not so wahoo....
He sails the vast majority of the time. I only do it casually (as a volunteer) and am now based back on land, and have just signed a 6 month 9-5 contract. Communication is not possible when he is at sea. Yes, this is annoying, but its a fact of life when sailors are involved and that is fine....nothing we can do about it.
So that leaves me excitedly refreshing my inbox every 30 seconds when his ship gets into port. And, usually, getting gradually more and more frustrated as the hours tick by and I get....nada. A few weeks ago he got into port and I had almost nothing from him for a couple of days. Port is busy. It doesn't mean off-duty and it doesn't mean automatic internet access. But he was uploading pictures on facebook. So I got a little upset that I'd had so little communication and told him off. Very nicely, though! Told him off and apologised for nagging and for being grumpy. Because I HATE being mad at him. And the last thing I want is for me to just be this nagging internet-based presence that moans at him every time he is on land. I let him know that I was upset that he had time for facebook but not for me and that I needed to feel like a bit more of a priority. We saw each other a couple of weeks later (sailing to the same place on different vessels) for a few hours and he put the effort in to come and see me as much as possible when we were in port. We talked about communication a little and he seemed to understand where I was coming from. That was 2-3 weeks ago. He is now finishing his current contract and will have to fly straight back to Canada from Norway.
When he was in England in May we had planned that he would come to the UK on a working holiday visa early next year and we would move in together for year. That plan has gone to pot because two fantastic sailing contract possibilities came up for him. Of course I was upset....but also completely supported him going for these contracts - too good an opportunity to miss. So when I left Norway we had no idea which continent he would be on, or when we'd be able to see each other again. But far from keeping me up to date with what is going on I feel like he is completely shutting me out. He got into port two days ago now and has been online for hours. I had two snapchats (so about 6 words) the day before yesterday and now nothing. He has a lot on his pate at the moment, is really busy and (hopefully) enjoying his last few days on board in Norway. But is it too much to ask that I get some time too? I mean, am I being overly needy to want to know which continent he is going to be on, how things are looking for the contracts...perhaps a conversation on what this means for us? It makes me feel pretty unimportant when he has time to upload shedloads of photos online but not to even send me a quick line congratulating me on my new job!
Last week I sent him a list of all the good things about us and him which I miss and look forward to next time we're together to cheer him up. Wanting to make a positive, romantic gesture. I can't be 100% certain he has seen it but he has had ample opportunity.....I've not had a word back about that either.
In person, he is great with communication. He starts the serious conversations as often as I do. And he is usually pretty good when hes away, too. But since he left England communication seems to have just taken a major nose dive. Could this even just be him freaking out about our new status? If so I certainly don't want to push him away by nagging him! Its tricky. I love and miss that man so much. And I know he loves me. I really do. But I feel like he just isn't making an effort lately. Since he left the UK he has seemed so emotionally distant. I don't want to nag him. I don't want to feel I have to nag him! I have brought this up once before, only a few weeks ago. But here we are again. With me feeling pretty damn low on his priority list.
Sorry about the giant rant .... I hope it is vaguely coherent. I'm just going slightly mad over here.....
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