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Long distance and age. A baby?

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    #1

    Long distance and age. A baby?

    I heard the most wonderful news today! My SO wants to have a baby with me. We have mentioned the subject over the years but this time he was sending me his baby pictures (which are incredibly cute!!) and he says he would really want to have a baby with me. I asked him if he really means that and he does. He does not have biological children but he has always wanted to have. He is leaving his old relationship and it's made him a totally new person. He's been holding back before for obvious reasons.

    Now we have two things slowing this down.... first is long distance which might not be such a big obstacle because we have a trip planned in October (me to US), in November (he to Finland) and Christmas together. After that hopefully bring him here. But I'm 44years old and that I cannot change, no matter how much I wish I had met him earlier. I have two beautiful children with my ex 10 and 12 years ago, 2 very easy pregnancies.

    I've been crying this morning I don't know what will happen. Rationally I know I'm getting old, jobwise and all it's not the best idea. But I love him dearly and I can't think of a better man to be a father and it's always been my dream to have a third child. I know I can't wait and I have to be brave to go for it now or forever let it be. I cannot get over this thought how wonderful it would be to be a mother to his child. But I know that we need to have a serious talk about our future before we decide anything. Of course I also worry how hard it will be for me mentally if things don't work out at this age for me any more.
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    #2
    It is a big thing. I understand your feelings perfectly.
    Have you guys talked about the possibilities of going through pregnancy long distance (if infact you don't have trouble getting pregnant)?

    Comment

      #3
      You have a lot to think about, and to plan for. You and your SO definitely need to have a serious discussion about all of this.
      Medically speaking, the fact that you have had two easy pregnancies might be in your favor, despite your age. Many women are having first babies in their 40's with no problems. It can be done. One thing I would recommend is genetic testing, to be sure there is no chromosome damage, which can cause Down Syndrome, birth defects, or the risk of miscarriage. Talk to your doctor before you try to get pregnant.


      TWO HEARTS BEATING AS ONE, LOVE BRIGHTER THAN THE SUN...

      Nothing Can Keep Us Apart, Safe In Each Other's Heart

      Comment

        #4
        That sounds lovely. I guess it will not create a problem with your other obligations if you plan for it. If you want to try it long distance you can scedule his visits to your cycle - depending on which type of birth control you use at the moment you may use some time to become fertile again. My mother had her last child at 38. If you are healthy and have had ok pregnancies you might be able to pull it off. I think the monitor older mother more because of the risk of birth defects. I am sure it will be nice to be a mother, best of luck to you
        I made love to him only twice, she thought and looked at the man laying asleep beside her. And yet still it is as if we have been together forever, as if he has always known my life, my soul, my body, my light, my pain
        - Paulo Coelho, "Eleven minutes"



        "Bız yüzyılın aşkı vardır" - We have dated since Sept. 2013. To see our full story, click here https://members.lovingfromadistance....and-our-visits

        Comment

          #5
          My first thought....GO FOR IT. if I was five years younger, I would do it. I had my last baby at 38, and I am so thankful I had him, although I wasn't trying and was told I couldn't have any more children.
          sigpic

          I love him. Forever. And every day after that.

          Comment

            #6
            I don't want to go through pregnancy alone. So we will have to carefully consider this without putting it off too much. Yes, if possible I want to GO FOR IT. I'm still 43 while I see him next. Long distance has been enough of contraception so I'm ready to go, so to say

            Thank you for all of your encouragement!

            Comment

              #7
              Has your SO started divorce procedures yet? I'm asking because you said you hoped to bring him over to Finland, and unless he has a highly demanded skill that no one in the EU has that would land him a job before he moves, or unless he wants to go back to university in his 40's, the only feasible solution for that to happen is that you marry him.

              If he marries you right after his divorce is finalized, that might look a bit sketchy to the Finnish Immigration Office.
              I thought of you and the years and all the sadness fell away from me - Pink Floyd

              Comment

                #8
                Originally posted by TwoThree View Post
                Has your SO started divorce procedures yet? I'm asking because you said you hoped to bring him over to Finland, and unless he has a highly demanded skill that no one in the EU has that would land him a job before he moves, or unless he wants to go back to university in his 40's, the only feasible solution for that to happen is that you marry him.

                If he marries you right after his divorce is finalized, that might look a bit sketchy to the Finnish Immigration Office.
                This is a really excellent point. What kind of job could your SO have in Finland? Would it really be feasible for him to get legal residency by the time a baby is born if you get pregnant in the near future? There just seem to be a lot of things to consider here.

                Comment

                  #9
                  Also, will it help the immigration process if you have a baby together (I can imagine it will make you look more like a family but I also could be wrong on that)?
                  I made love to him only twice, she thought and looked at the man laying asleep beside her. And yet still it is as if we have been together forever, as if he has always known my life, my soul, my body, my light, my pain
                  - Paulo Coelho, "Eleven minutes"



                  "Bız yüzyılın aşkı vardır" - We have dated since Sept. 2013. To see our full story, click here https://members.lovingfromadistance....and-our-visits

                  Comment

                    #10
                    Originally posted by differentcountries View Post
                    Also, will it help the immigration process if you have a baby together (I can imagine it will make you look more like a family but I also could be wrong on that)?
                    If that was the case then everyone would have babies in order to immigrate.

                    Comment

                      #11
                      Originally posted by snow_girl View Post
                      If that was the case then everyone would have babies in order to immigrate.
                      In Norway there is a rule about family reuinion, to my knowledge kids are included so yes basically it could possably help your case to have a baby in the country to which you want to immigrate. Anyway the input was simply: look this theme up or ask around, you want to know before you are there. Perhaps someone from Finland in here who closed the distance know more about immigration rules to that country.
                      Last edited by differentcountries; August 13, 2014, 05:56 PM.
                      I made love to him only twice, she thought and looked at the man laying asleep beside her. And yet still it is as if we have been together forever, as if he has always known my life, my soul, my body, my light, my pain
                      - Paulo Coelho, "Eleven minutes"



                      "Bız yüzyılın aşkı vardır" - We have dated since Sept. 2013. To see our full story, click here https://members.lovingfromadistance....and-our-visits

                      Comment

                        #12
                        Originally posted by differentcountries View Post
                        In Norway there is a rule about family reuinion, to my knowledge kids are included so yes basically it could possably help your case to have a baby in the country to which you want to immigrate. Anyway the input was simply: look this theme up or ask around, you want to know before you are there. Perhaps someone from Finland in here who closed the distance know more about immigration rules to that country.
                        As far as immigrating to the USA, yes having a baby together can help your case. But if that's the reason you want to have a kid- to be able to help an immigration case, you really shouldn't be having one.

                        Comment

                          #13
                          Regarding refugees there is a right to reuniting the family in Finland, which some refugees have used in a wrong way.

                          This might be of help:

                          https://www.migri.fi/moving_to_finla..._family_member

                          Comment

                            #14
                            As far as I know a baby would only "help" after it is born and paternity has been established. In Finland a child is de facto recognized as a man's only if the latter is married to or in a registered partnership (common law marriage) with the mother. So that would definitely entail going through the pregnancy alone.

                            And as LB said, one shouldn't have a baby just to use it to circumvent the law.
                            I thought of you and the years and all the sadness fell away from me - Pink Floyd

                            Comment

                              #15
                              While this is definitely a great thing to hear from one's SO, I think you're putting the cart a bit before the horse here.

                              Have you planned out closing the distance? How will you be together? How often have you met up before? Does he plan to marry you or just father a child and keep the relationship as-is? Where will the finances for a child come from? Where can you get support outside of your relationship? How will your other children feel about this? Etc.

                              Not trying to crush the excitement, but I think you have a LOT of planning to do before you can start planning for a child.
                              In all the world there is no heart for me like yours.
                              In all the world there is no love for you like mine.
                              -- Maya Angelou

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