Fight or flight - Advice / shoulders sorely needed

[AsparagusLady]

Thanks to everyone who was reading and chatting on the communication post I started a few days back. Your comments have been really helping me through the past few hours. Those of you who were following it will know that it took a turn for the worse. I figured I'd start something more aptly named now as I'm in sore need of some advice and help working through my thoughts and keeping it together.

Quick background:
We've been together on and off for a year and a half but avoided getting into something official and exclusive because not only do we live on different continents but he is away at sea for months at a time.
Two months ago we made it official (in person, we'd been with each other for 3.5/5 months of the year) and finally exchanged 'L' words, which we'd both been feeling for quite some time. Then he left for his next contract. All good for the first month, plans to get together in the new year, even received a really thoughtful postcard. Then he started to get a little quiet on me. We saw each other briefly a couple of times and he said things were ok, he was just tired. Last saw each other about three weeks ago, he was being a little odd. Withdrawn. Then I left and have heard almost nothing from him since. Knew something was up....tried talking to him but just got 'Tired and a lot on my mind, yes things are ok with us'.

Then not a single word for three days until he left me last night.

He says the distance is too much for him and he hates not being able to spend more time with me. Assured me that he loves me but he is at a point where he needs so see where things lead him (sailing career) without 'strings' attached. Said he hated to have to do this but didn't want me to be waiting for him all the time and hardly ever seeing him or even knowing when I'd get to speak to him.

So apart from trying to keep myself together and remember that bodies are sustained by food and not wine....my dilemma....I honestly do not know whether or not this is the right decision. I'm completely torn between thinking he is making the right decision for us in the long term, or thinking that we had a chance to be happy and should fight for it. He never told me how he was feeling, just shut me out and made this decision for the both of us without a word to me that anything was wrong. I feel we've not had a chance to try and see if we can make this work together.

Any thoughts / advice would be greatly appreciated, folks. Do I simply let him go, or do I talk to him and see if he can be persuaded to give us a fighting chance to make it work? .....I just really don't know what to do. Or how either one of us is meant to get over this. 24hrs ago my world fell apart. Where does someone go from there?

[conejita_hada]

It sounds like he's not ready for the commitment a relationship involves. From the information given, it sounds like his response was focused on him, you can handle the distance and limited contact but he can't or doesn't want to think about it. It hurts immeasurably right now; try to take some time for yourself, get pampered in the best way for you and spend some time with friends. Let everything sit for a few days, a week, and then maybe contact him if you feel you need to discuss the relationship.

[Miasmata]

Let everything sit for a few days, a week, and then maybe contact him if you feel you need to discuss the relationship.

Was coming here to say basically this!

I think it's worth talking over, but give yourself and him a few more days to think stuff over and sort your feelings. Regardless of whether you will try things together again or not, another proper talk is in order, IMO - And if it's just to find closure.

Either way, best of luck to you!

[AsparagusLady]

From the information given, it sounds like his response was focused on him, you can handle the distance and limited contact but he can't or doesn't want to think about it.

There was a lot in there about him not wanting me to be the girl who never sees her SO, and how its completely unfair for me to be constantly waiting for him and never knowing when we'll next see each other or even get to speak.
I feel like he is half panicking and running and half trying to protect me. Parting has always gone really hard on me....I've got depressive and anxiety issues and have never held it together well when we say goodbye. When we said goodbye in Norway, the last time we saw each other, he has a look in his eyes that said 'I hate seeing you like this'. Joining the forum a couple of weeks back was part of my grand master plan to start dealing with the distance better and focusing on the positives. Part of me really thinks he is just trying to protect me. Another part thinks he is terrified and just can't handle it so is choosing to run. He told me he hoped I'd remember the good things and not the way he took the cowards way out. I hate to think of him feeling like that.
There is another part which wonders if something else has happened that hes trying to spare me from. We we so happy....things were going so well and out of nowhere he just suddenly shut down on me. I don't understand what changed.

[AsparagusLady]

Was coming here to say basically this!

I think it's worth talking over, but give yourself and him a few more days to think stuff over and sort your feelings. Regardless of whether you will try things together again or not, another proper talk is in order, IMO - And if it's just to find closure.

Either way, best of luck to you!

Thank you. I have responded to him since last night, but I've had nothing back. He has just shut the door. I know he must be feeling utterly horrendous too.....but I just wish he would talk to me. I know it may take a couple of days but I really, really hope he isn't going to do this out of the blue and then just shut me out. I wish he'd just talked to me about how he was feeling rather than withdrawing for days and making this decision for both of us without even letting me know he was struggling.
I just don't understand where this has come from.

[AsparagusLady]

I'm sure you're both right and I need time and to look after myself. I just don't know where to start. I've spent the last 26hrs hugging my duvet, flooding the bedroom, reading old messages and waiting for him to reply. I may be in for a long wait. Where does one even start to pick up the pieces when the ground has just been pulled out from underneath them?

[Hollandia]

I think that I will say the writing is on the wall. There are people here that can handle waiting a year to see each other. He is not one of those people. These LDRs are hard as hell. I have doubted myself a hundred times, but I never cut him out, and he never cut me out. We went through ups and downs but both of us always wanted to be together in the end and make it work. If you both don't want that then you are swimming with your sneakers on.

I think he should fess up, he can't handle this and let you go. You should go out with your galpals and go take care of yourself. I have no respect for people that cut others out instead of being grown ups and having the hard conversations. I feel your pain and feel free to PM me if you want to ever talk.

[GuineaPunk]

Allow yourself a few days to feel as thoroughly miserable as you need to feel without giving yourself a hard time about it, sometimes a really good long cry is absolutely needed. He might be going through the same emotional torment at his own decision, even though he felt he had to make it, allow him that space while you have your few days to grieve as I am sure he will also be reflecting.

If you want to message him after these few days, I personally would (he sounds like a genuinely nice guy, even if he hasn't handled things as well as he should), and you'll be more coherent for allowing all of your raw emotions out.

In whatever circumstance you've got to get up and look after yourself, even if you don't feel like it at first. You said you were starting on a master plan to cope better with the distance, carry on with this master as soon as you can.