First time LDR advice needed

[Rapunzel]

Hello. I have lurked this board for awhile, but recently created an actual account. I need some advice pretty badly, as I have experienced my very first long distance relationship, and I am having an issue that I feel is best discussed among people that understand.

He and I hit it off very quickly, and unexpectedly became more than friends. We have only had contact via phone and internet, but we have Skyped a lot, so we have seen each other as close to in person as possible. There is no question that I love him and want to be with him.

Here's the problem: he and I are both introverted, and as we met online, it's fairly obvious that we have online friends. He is agoraphobic, and I am fine with that, but I am mentioning it here just in case it is relevant to anyone who is kind enough to give me advice. He mostly has female friends, which is fine with me. I was the girl that grew up around boys, so I know that friendships of opposite genders can work out just fine...as long as their are appropriate boundaries.

But I don't think he has appropriate boundaries with all of his online female friends. A big example of this is, there was a girl that lived somewhat nearby to him, and she wanted to meet up one day. He and I were together already at this point, and he told me that he wasn't going to meet up with her, because he felt that she wanted something more than friendship, so he just didn't go. Great, he was honest with me, and I thanked him for that. However, unknown to me, he continued his friendship with this girl, and made the conscious decision to not tell her that he had a girlfriend. In fact, he has told no one that he wasn't single. None of his friends know. I knew that he didn't want to tell his family, because, even though we have been together for awhile, we have not actually gone to each others countries and visited that way, so he felt that he would get laughed at and that his family would be quite upset. I do understand that, and figured we could just both work our way towards that in the future. Not a huge deal. But he won't even tell his online friends, and doesn't understand why I am so upset about it. I keep trying to talk to him about appropriateness in friendships and how the boundaries naturally change when you are in a relationship vs when you are single, but he just doesn't seem to get it. He thinks that, because he is not interested in anything more from these girls, that he doesn't need to tell him that he is not single, and thinks that I am being unreasonable.

I feel hurt and disrespected, and I have spent so much time trying to explain to him that I don't care that he has female friends. I do find it a little odd that he actually seeks out female online friends, and not male friends, to the point of, at one time, he had an online profile set to only accept messages and stuff from women. I just feel that some of his friendships are obviously inappropriate, and what makes it worse is that he refuses to tell any of them about me. I am hoping that, maybe by getting advice from others, I can work this out with him. He says he loves me and only wants to be with me, but these things he is doing seems to show the opposite.

Thank you so much for your time in reading this.

[differentcountries]

My wild guess is that girls are perhaps more understanding of an introvert, phobic guy? It is hard for the introverted guys, they get even more judged than girls. SO sometimes gets told even by close male friends that he is "strange" and I belive they are reffering to his energy, which is pretty introvert like mine.

I can see where he is coming from not wanting to tell people he has an online relationship, but he could for instance tell people he is interested in someone, has started dating someone a little bit - he did not have to say a name or how you met.

I actually disagree with you on this one - I don't think that boundries change that much from relationship status. If you are interested, you are interested. BUT it seems he is perhaps not getting that him being alledgedly single and seeking close friendships with girls who have already acted interested might be seen as playing into that.

Last year I met someone, after I met SO, that was really nice but he is interested in me. It is not easy but I have decided not to meet him anymore. The reasons for this is to keep the boundries clear for myself and SO (and my husband), but actually also to help this guy, who I do care about even if I don't want to date him! I know regardless of what I tell him his mind will interpret me being there as food for his infatuation. This is how love works - once you are hooked you can't un-hook so easily. Perhaps your SO could help this girl in similar ways, I mean if it is a new frienship, why go through the hazzle?

You should be aware to not treat all his female friendships like this though. Don't act like his jailor or question his motives unless you have a really good reason to.

[squeeker]

Ahh that's tough.. my boy and I are both introverted as well. I think it is true that maybe he feels more comfortable talking to females than males because females tend to be more nurturing and friendly towards quieter guys.. he might feel he doesn't fit in with typical "male" behaviours. But I do see his behaviours as potentially troubling. Although I'm not clear how long you have been together. If it's not been long, maybe he needs more time to make it certain, or maybe it's best to work towards a day you two can meet in person. I know I would be jealous if my boyfriend had a lot of female friends he talked to and if the boundaries didn't seem clear, especially if they were similar age. But my boyfriend and I have been together almost 4 years now and known each other for almost 5 years, so I know I can trust him even if he did make friends with a girl his age.. though I might be a bit nervous at first.

I don't think it's too much to ask that your boyfriend reveal he's in a relationship to these online friends, especially if they are a potential threat to the relationship. On the other hand... trust is important, and if it's a new relationship, it might take a bit of time for him to say. I know I have anxiety (as well as my boyfriend) and I know I get anxious saying things.. although that's usually in person, I can say a lot more in text.. so it's kinda strange he wouldn't tell them.. but maybe just give it some time.. and if your boyfriend is reassuring you that you are the only one he has eyes for, you should give him the benefit of the doubt and trust him. Try not to worry too much.. though if there are more suspicious red flags or if he is still not telling them after more months, or especially after you two meet in person.... that's even more suspicious. I wish you luck... I don't really know if this was good advice but I hope things work out for you.

[TaraMarie]

I see red flags. I'm sorry, I know that's not what you ant to hear.....

[Rapunzel]

Thank you for the responses. I didn't post this to hear what I wanted to hear, I posted because I needed to hear what you all think. I've gotten more than one perspective so far, and that's very helpful.

I should mention that I have a panic disorder, so I do get him on feeling anxiety about telling people, which is why I am okay that he isn't comfortable telling his family right now.

[Hollandia]

There is a big difference between not telling your family and not telling people that want a relationship with you. If he knows this girl is into him in that would, he should have told her he is unavailable. That is all he needs to say. He does not need to talk about you in any way, but merely state he is unavailable. This is what people do when they are off the market and potential mates come callling. Sorry, I am no longer available, if they don't, there is an inference that they are single and this is unfair to you.

I would explain to him how this makes you feel, but I would also ask you he does consider you two exclusive? You should never assume the amount of time together make this so, it is not so until you both agree on it. If you are exclusive that both of you should tell potential future dates that you are no longer single. If he won't, then yes, that would be a huge red flag for me and a deal breaker.

[whatruckus]

There is a big difference between not telling your family and not telling people that want a relationship with you. If he knows this girl is into him in that would, he should have told her he is unavailable. That is all he needs to say. He does not need to talk about you in any way, but merely state he is unavailable. This is what people do when they are off the market and potential mates come callling. Sorry, I am no longer available, if they don't, there is an inference that they are single and this is unfair to you.

I would explain to him how this makes you feel, but I would also ask you he does consider you two exclusive? You should never assume the amount of time together make this so, it is not so until you both agree on it. If you are exclusive that both of you should tell potential future dates that you are no longer single. If he won't, then yes, that would be a huge red flag for me and a deal breaker.

I agree. I mean, it's one thing if he doesn't want to tell some of his friends and his family for the reasons you stated, but he definitely should tell this girl that's into him that he's with you. That's not okay in my book and my SO would get an earful about it, seeing as my ex used to do that all the time and not tell these girls that he had a serious girlfriend/was seeing me. There is that thing about trust, but he should also respect you and your relationship enough to at least let this girl know. And, like Hollandia said, are you two really exclusive? Maybe you need to have a talk about that with him as well.

[Rapunzel]

He keeps saying that I've done nothing wrong, and we are exclusive, that he knows he's been wrong. But he seems to have no interest in changing it. It's so confusing.

[Hollandia]

He keeps saying that I've done nothing wrong, and we are exclusive, that he knows he's been wrong. But he seems to have no interest in changing it. It's so confusing.

You need to decide what is a deal breaker for you and what is not. If he won't stop doing this, then it means he would rather do that than be with you or it means you will just sit back and take it. The question is, will you? This would be a deal breaker for me. I would not be willing to have someone telling me we are exclusive still pretending to be single to other women. I do wonder if he would feel if you were doing the same thing? He might not care, but it if bothers you that much, you should stand up for yourself one way or the other.

[Rapunzel]

It is a deal breaker for me. I love him very much, but I feel hurt, and every time he does this it's going to hurt more. Ever since I brought up the subject he's been getting more distant. For example, I had a day that I was going through a lot of very hard things, and he knew that. But he didn't talk to me all day. I found out it was because he was skyping with a group of girls he met online recently, and when I said something about it, he told me I was being harsh, because he likes to brighten people's day. That hurt, because, what about my day? I don't expect him to never talk to people, but he knew I needed him more than ever that day.

[GuineaPunk]

Your chap sounds so like my ex-boyfriend it is a little scary. He would openly spend a lot of time online chatting to girls in what he insisted was just a friendly manner and he was pretty sporadic on which ones he chose to tell that he had a girlfriend. I was just happy that he had friends to talk to as he suffered from agoraphobia and anxiety disorders, I was trusting to a fault. Turned out that pretty much all of his 'friendly' chats were flirtatious, there were pictures being sent, Skype sex being had, and if I ever dared to have alternative plans at weekends like job interviews or exam prep, turns out he was going off and meeting a few of them in the flesh. I wasn't even 'allowed' to tell my friends we were in a relationship, I found out years later that he was pursuing one of them too! Even anxious people have different personalities and social capabilities over the safety of the web, please don't be as naive as I was (although it certainly doesn't read that you are).

You have said that it is a deal breaker for you, but he has no intention on changing anything. He also seems to have no care in making you a priority in his life, whereas it reads that you would be quite happy to make him a priority in yours. I like to take a balanced stance on things where possible, maybe it is my bias from experience weighing in here, but I would advise simply to not take it and walk away. You don't need someone like that in your life, it will only bring you down and lose your self respect, walking away will either make him buck his ideas up if he wants to keep you, or he'll show a continued lack of care from what he has previously demonstrated.

[Hollandia]

It is a deal breaker for me. I love him very much, but I feel hurt, and every time he does this it's going to hurt more. Ever since I brought up the subject he's been getting more distant. For example, I had a day that I was going through a lot of very hard things, and he knew that. But he didn't talk to me all day. I found out it was because he was skyping with a group of girls he met online recently, and when I said something about it, he told me I was being harsh, because he likes to brighten people's day. That hurt, because, what about my day? I don't expect him to never talk to people, but he knew I needed him more than ever that day.

He does sound like he wants to have his cake and eat it too. That was indeed a very inconsiderate thing to do to you. Did you say that to him? I am your partner and I needed you and you were not there for me because you made me lower priority than other women you are chatting with online that do not know you are not single.

I really hate to say this, but he sounds like a cheater. I would not trust this and it needs to stop. If he does not want to go back to being single then he needs to accept that and stop acting single. He seems to still be looking and I would never agree to be a stepping stone until he meets someone else he is willing to forego other women for. Exclusivity means no more dating, he might not think he is, but he is still dating other women online. Treat yourself with respect and then he will too. If he won't then walk. Can you picture your life with him ten years from now, married with kids and he is off online chatting up other women? If you allow this to continue, that is the path you be headed down.

I know of a few guys that were doing the same thing, none of their relationships worked out and many of them ended up dating one of the other women from online.

[whatruckus]

Your chap sounds so like my ex-boyfriend it is a little scary. He would openly spend a lot of time online chatting to girls in what he insisted was just a friendly manner and he was pretty sporadic on which ones he chose to tell that he had a girlfriend. I was just happy that he had friends to talk to as he suffered from agoraphobia and anxiety disorders, I was trusting to a fault. Turned out that pretty much all of his 'friendly' chats were flirtatious, there were pictures being sent, Skype sex being had, and if I ever dared to have alternative plans at weekends like job interviews or exam prep, turns out he was going off and meeting a few of them in the flesh. I wasn't even 'allowed' to tell my friends we were in a relationship, I found out years later that he was pursuing one of them too! Even anxious people have different personalities and social capabilities over the safety of the web, please don't be as naive as I was (although it certainly doesn't read that you are).

You have said that it is a deal breaker for you, but he has no intention on changing anything. He also seems to have no care in making you a priority in his life, whereas it reads that you would be quite happy to make him a priority in yours. I like to take a balanced stance on things where possible, maybe it is my bias from experience weighing in here, but I would advise simply to not take it and walk away. You don't need someone like that in your life, it will only bring you down and lose your self respect, walking away will either make him buck his ideas up if he wants to keep you, or he'll show a continued lack of care from what he has previously demonstrated.

This was exactly my situation with my ex, to a certain degree. He wasn't introverted or had agoraphobia, but he was still flirtatious and what not (and cheating on me) behind my back. In my opinion, even being flirtatious or making another girl want him/him making her believe he wants to be with her, is cheating. I believe it's called emotional cheating. But, still cheating. Though he did do things in the flesh as well. I agree with everyone else that you need to have a serious talk with him and tell him what your boundaries are, especially if this is a deal breaker for you.

[Rapunzel]

He says he doesn't want to be with anyone now. And won't give me a reason why. We were really serious too, or at least I thought we were. I've never been this crushed over a break up in my life. He says we will talk in the morning, but I can't see what we would possibly talk about.

[Hollandia]

It sounds like he really just wants to be single. He wants to be free to date multiple women and that really showed by the way he was acting. I am sorry for your pain. It is better to find out now than when you got down the road into more complications. You deserve to be with someone that wants to be only with you.