New Here- My story, and how do you deal with goodbyes?

[TheCatAndTheFish]

Since I am new, i will start with an introduction.
My name is Tiffany i am from The US, My boyfriends name is Menno, He is from The Netherlands and we have been together for five years now (or some what around that... its complicated)
I will go ahead and apologize, because this will be a long post (unless i get lazy >_>)

I met him on a game over 6 years ago, yes a video game, a mmorpg. At first we actually didnt really get along and i believed he was a female (it was actually kinda hilarious) We soon got to know each other from him adding my msn back then, but about two weeks after he had to leave for a weekend long hockey thing (he said something that made him seem really... like a player) So i was hesitant to talk to him again, but i couldnt help but feel the pull of him on me, ended up learning it was a joke that he said (he has a weird sense of humor- ive learned to love it). Apparently on his way there and during he actually thought 'What if she lived here... maybe we would date' so at two weeks we were already becoming close, which was very weird to me.

I should give some idea of myself at this point: i do not trust people easily, muchless males because of a lot of things that have happened and alot of bad decisions i have made. I was molested,in many abusive relationships, i got into (hard and soft)drugs and i fought alot when i was younger. So him becoming close to me tore me apart.. in a good way i guess. But for the time being it seemed horrible, i went from someone who didnt show emotions to a ball of emotions in a year of talking with this guy. I was not ready for this.

I found out he had never been in a relationship and was very confused to as why- i later learned he had his own demons(which i will not post here because thats his to talk about)

For the first year and a half or so we only really every got to type/call without video and we talked day and night. Around that time mobile skype got an update and you could finally video call on a phone! i had no webcam so this was just amazing at that point, we stayed up all kinds of late, chatted and laughed as much as we could. I also told my mom (i was like 15/16 at this point- my mother went insane (shes kinda psycho but thats for... later)this continued, we played online games together and just were close.. we ended up dating somewhere around this point (neither asked or said yes... it just slid into place and we started acting like a couple... it was later brought up and we both agreed we were actually dating by then=P)

Three years after we dated- We decided to meet up! It seemed impossible but he assured me that it was possible (even though later he addmitted he felt the same as i) so instead of a plan he hastily made plans THREE DAYS before he flew out to me (oh my gosh this was- stressful) My mother wasnt happy but she dealt with it, at this point i guess she realized it was serious (i was 18). August 20 2012 i set my eyes on him- okay more of... i didnt even recognize him >_> my neighbor who had come with me saw him first.. (lol) and instead of being normal.. i ran to him and erm... tackled him flat on his back..seriously not exaggerating ( I WISH THIS WAS VIDEOTAPED!) he stayed here around a month and a half - it was absolutely amazing >.<! When he left i was in pieces.. broken beyond belief.. i cried for days... then i realized he left me little paper notes hidden in my room >.<! every tie i found onne i smiled like a goofball lol


He still was gone- it took me weeks to be myself again.. but this time around the chatting and gaming was different between us... i wasnt sure what had happened..
Neither did he know, but he didnt see it- but i definately did. He was more distanced, more easy to agrivate.. i was so distraught.. beyond hurt too. We would have good days when we watched movies- and we'd have bad days when my depression would come back and he would be in a mad mood because he worked all day. This lasted an entire two years almost...i didnt want to give up.

Then the plan of me going to meet him came up and i decided this would be my last try- he didnt know and i shouldve been more honest with him before this =/. I arrived in The Netherlands on May 13th at like 8am to be greeted by a big smiling boyfriend- and later on his family! i had planned to stay until july 23, that was a long time! And him to come back with me in the states until august 30th (today....=/) We went to belgium, germany, france (PARIS!)It was amazing and we have grown from this greatly- we are so muchh stronger then ever now, i dont know what i wouldve donne without him anyway =/.


Here is my question- how do you deal with the goodbyes?

I honestly believe i will never be able to cope with these goodbyes- they hurt even more then any breakup ive been through ten fold- it hurts so badly and my wound is so fresh today.. it hurts and is why i have searched for an online forum like this.




** i am sorry for this very very long post.. i felt like i needed to explain myself to someone.. give the whole story (okay a LOT is left out but yeah =P)**

*** a bonus for those who are here on my post, My username is TheCatAndTheFish because my nickname was always kitty or tiger and his name is pronounced 'minnow' so there is the reason x)

Thank you so much
-TheCatAndTheFish

[Unconditional]

Welcome to LFAD. I hope you can find all the advice and hope you need from this forum and its wonderful members.

[Redheart14]

Welcome! I find the goodbye head too! But my SO and I always tee up out next trip before we part so that makes it easier a bit. I'm making a series of "open when" letters which is keeping my mind off the 100+ days unit we meet. Maybe you can write letters, Skype often? Depending on your situation. How long until your next trip?

[Hollandia]

I am just like you. I am from the USA, me and my Dutch man met online. We close the distance next week. We won't be doing it in NL we are doing it in UK, Belfast of all places, but this time next year we might move back to NL. His family and friends are all here, this is a wonderful country. Have you started studying Dutch yet?

[TheCatAndTheFish]

I am just like you. I am from the USA, me and my Dutch man met online. We close the distance next week. We won't be doing it in NL we are doing it in UK, Belfast of all places, but this time next year we might move back to NL. His family and friends are all here, this is a wonderful country. Have you started studying Dutch yet?

Actually, i have started slowly learning dutch (his family even helped me learn a tiny bit while i was there for the three+ months) It seems.. pretty hard to learn tho, but im determined.
and yes! i absolutely LOVE the NL, it was no hard choice deciding who would move lol The people there are just... so much friendlier then down here in the south.

[Redheart14]

At least you're already talking about closing the distance! Lucky thing

[TheCatAndTheFish]

At least you're already talking about closing the distance! Lucky thing

It still feels so far away! even if it is in the shortest time limit possible. I guess i just want it to go as fast as possible because for some magical reason my mother really is fine with me moving there, which is a HUGE shocker. His family absolutely adores me (they even pushed me to move there lol- it was adorable)

[Redheart14]

It still feels so far away! even if it is in the shortest time limit possible. I guess i just want it to go as fast as possible because for some magical reason my mother really is fine with me moving there, which is a HUGE shocker. His family absolutely adores me (they even pushed me to move there lol- it was adorable)

That makes things easier when both families are on board. Do you know when your next trip is planned? Or will you move before then?

[TheCatAndTheFish]

That makes things easier when both families are on board. Do you know when your next trip is planned? Or will you move before then?

Mostly depending on when we figure i can move- we are probably looking more at the 1-2year mark from now.
We both planned more then likely to do the same thing we did this summer, next summer. And maybe a small visit in the winter. Only problem is our money is finite.
So i believe we will definitively atleast have more then one trip before, no idea which one is going to who. I honestly prefer to travel there.

[katie.lvd34]

ALRIGHT HERE'S THE DEAL!


My SO is in the Netherlands too, and I am in the States so we're definitely in the same boat here. You're relationship has been going on longer than mine but the goodbyes never get easier! I can share with you a story, and I feel the tears pricking my eyes as I write this now.

I went to visit my SO for the first time this past summer, (I arrived May 20th and left July 7th, so we had a long visit too!) and I was immediately in love with him all over again. He held me and kissed me for 50 short, short days and it hurt every time I thought about leaving. While I was there, those thoughts would pop up and I would shove them away, making sure I enjoyed the time I spent with him. A week before I was supposed to leave, I began seriously understanding the fact that I was leaving and he was staying and we would be apart again. The idea caused wars in my brain, I was sad to leave him but I was ready to be at home with my family. I thought to myself, "Does this make me a bad girlfriend? Am I a bad girlfriend for wanting to be with my family?" And then I thought, no of course not. I want my family, and I want him. It just so happens they are not in the same country at the moment. As for the goodbye, the ride from his house in the southern half of the country to Amsterdam was quiet, I held his hand and listened to his breathing. I wanted to remember everything, whether is was 3 AM or not. We drove and drove, and the closer we got the tighter my throat and chest felt. We parked and walked to the airport, got me checked in and we stopped before I had to go through to get into security. And I held him, and I cried, and my heart ached. And right then, goodbye seemed impossible. Leaving him didn't seem real. Parts of me were waiting for him to whip out a plane ticket, telling me he was coming home with me and had already sent his luggage to the states. But that didn't happen, and I had to leave for my plane. I held him a little tighter and kissed him one last time. We were drawing stares but I didn't care. When I let go, I told myself not to look back, that I wouldn't go, that'd I'd be calling my parents from his house letting them know I was staying longer, and I couldn't do that to them. I had school waiting at home. My SO later told me that he stood there and waited for me to turn around, waiting to see what I did. What he doesn't know is that I did turn around, apparently just a few seconds too late to see him again. I made it through security and to my gate. I sat quietly in the uncomfortable chairs and cried to myself. I would sit and wait. I would fool myself into thinking he was just in the bathroom and that he would come up behind me and kiss my neck again, touch my waist, and when he didn't, fresh tears erupted onto my face once again.

What I'm trying to say is the goodbyes do not get easier. If anything, they only get harder. But this should not be discouraging to you, because it only shows you how much you truly love your SO. The amount of pain you feel in being away from them, it's something that a person who can see their SO every day will never understand. I swear I have to explain why I'm crying to a different person at least once a week.

But I handle the goodbyes because I know there will be more hellos. I know that I will get to touch him again and that makes my heart soar! So now, throughout the pain of being alone, there are brief moments of happiness when I know I will be with him again.

I love that there are so many ladies in love with the Dutchmen. They're amazing, aren't they? <3

[Hollandia]

Have you looked into IND for immigration rules? Does he have full time job contract for 12 months making the required amount? If he does you are set, if not, you can't get a residence permit even if you marry. Our problem was every job my SO got offered was for 6 months. This is why we are moving to Belfast the job market in NL is horrid. If your SO has a job meeting those requirements, make sure he keeps it.

Yes, Dutch is hard, I did Rosetta Stone for a year and once I hit the conjugation of verbs I sorta gave up. I can read it pretty well up to a point, but don't ask me to speak it or catch half of what is spoken. His parents still try to get me to learn it but only speaking Dutch to me and then give up halfway through and jump back to English. It is ironic my SO got a job utilizing his bi-lingual skills. LOL.

I have found the Dutch are amazingly open with their affection for their mates. They seem to take a long time to pick a life mate but when they do it is for good. It is rare to see a couple out and about not holding hands or arms around waists. His dad comes home every day I have seen them and pats his mom on the bum and gives her a kiss. It just makes me smile.

[TheCatAndTheFish]

What I'm trying to say is the goodbyes do not get easier. If anything, they only get harder. But this should not be discouraging to you, because it only shows you how much you truly love your SO. The amount of pain you feel in being away from them, it's something that a person who can see their SO every day will never understand. I swear I have to explain why I'm crying to a different person at least once a week.

But I handle the goodbyes because I know there will be more hellos. I know that I will get to touch him again and that makes my heart soar! So now, throughout the pain of being alone, there are brief moments of happiness when I know I will be with him again.

I love that there are so many ladies in love with the Dutchmen. They're amazing, aren't they? <3

Ah yes, this goodbye was even worse then the first, im completely shattered and have been crying all day straight, on top of the fact that im sick with strep.
I kind of went through this pain twice this trip- because i spent 110 days completely- 73 days there.. i cried when we left the NL just because.. its so wonderful (and if you knew about my family past- it makes even more sense)
Then the rest of the days at my home loving him as best as i could.. literally the rest of those days i was sad but i held onto his words 'maybe we are thousands of miles apart, half a world.. but im still there for you. Maybe not where i can touch you but im still behind that tiny screen- and in your big heart.'

Of course this made me cry even harder- but that one saying is what has made me calm down and realize that maybe, just maybe the distance.. in a way is okay because in the end our relationships are so much more romantic and special- and so much stronger for the hardships we face every day.

And Yes- i love me some Dutchies <3

[TheCatAndTheFish]

Have you looked into IND for immigration rules? Does he have full time job contract for 12 months making the required amount? If he does you are set, if not, you can't get a residence permit even if you marry. Our problem was every job my SO got offered was for 6 months. This is why we are moving to Belfast the job market in NL is horrid. If your SO has a job meeting those requirements, make sure he keeps it.

Yes, Dutch is hard, I did Rosetta Stone for a year and once I hit the conjugation of verbs I sorta gave up. I can read it pretty well up to a point, but don't ask me to speak it or catch half of what is spoken. His parents still try to get me to learn it but only speaking Dutch to me and then give up halfway through and jump back to English. It is ironic my SO got a job utilizing his bi-lingual skills. LOL.

I have found the Dutch are amazingly open with their affection for their mates. They seem to take a long time to pick a life mate but when they do it is for good. It is rare to see a couple out and about not holding hands or arms around waists. His dad comes home every day I have seen them and pats his mom on the bum and gives her a kiss. It just makes me smile.

Actually he is about to sign a Year contract when he arrives- he works for a friends parents at a really nice restaurant (he seriously has it made at this point lol, they are very very easy going)
Hes almost soon out of college so he also has that to his advantage.
At this point- we really not even a week ago brought up me moving to him, so we havent looked to much into it (hes the smart one with laws and things)~
MY problem is getting over my horrid anxiety and getting a job to save up as much money as i can, truthfully.

and yes he is very affectionate :3, his mother just recently passed and i can tell how much his father loved her so dearly.

[JaneEmily]

Yay another person with a Dutch SO! We need a group started.....:3

And in regards to learning Dutch, I've been learning since April - it's a scary thing but it's possible! I learn with Duolingo, they have a FREE course for it now for English speakers, and I've got several books to help. I'm actually going to start paying for Babbel £4.45 a month for a year which is cheap to help with learning to feel at ease conversing/pronunciation, and I'm buying Nederlands in gang (Dutch in progress) even though I have Dutch in 3 Months (which has helped considerably with understanding verb conjugation among many things). I also have many notes, so if ANY of you ladies need them..just PM me and I'll give you them to help <3

So far I'm pretty decent at writing an introduction about myself in Dutch;

Hoi! Ik heet Jane. Ik kom uit Engeland, en ik ben tweeëntwintig jaar oud. Ik lees boeken en schrijf graag!

(Hi! My name is Jane. I am from England and I am twenty two years old. I like reading books and writing!)

I haven't been to the NL yet, but...I'm hoping when me and my SO close the distance (sometime next year even though finances are strained but I'm going to finally help contribute soon - something I've been desperate to do as my family's financial situation sucks), I'll be ready to finally go over there. I dunno, I just feel more comfortable knowing we'll be going over together instead of the daunting process of going over to a country by myself or with my weird family (never done gone by myself anywhere before from my parents let alone another country) as I have really bad confidence and social anxiety issues so yay.

[Hollandia]

The first time I ever flew alone it was to Netherlands. I was scared shi#tless but it was fine. Airports are like shopping malls that put you on a plane in the end. You just follow the signs and keep an eye on the flight board to check for flight changes. You go into airport get in line and check in, hand your passport to the person at counter and they do the rest. Give them your checked bags and then ask where security is. They will tell you. Go through security and then find your gate. Once you have passed through security and find your gate you can wander around. Go grab a bite or a drink and just keep on eye the the flight board to make sure they don't board early. You need to be at your gate about 45 minutes before take-off. They will start boarding in most cases a half hour before take off. When you land, most likely in Amsterdam, You go through immigration(if needed), and after immigration you pick up your luggage and then you leave airport. Never leave your bags alone at any time. Take them with you to the bathroom. Never let anyone buy you a drink and watch your drink at all times. Hold tight to your stuff, keep your purse close to your body. It is no different than being in any big city, there are pick pockets.I know Amsterdam airport like the back of my hand now. i will be leaving from there next Saturday, if you have any questions about it feel free to ask. I fly in and out of Philly a lot too.