Am I being to demanding?!

[Starjasmin]

Talked about his weird reaction on the money I want to give him for his app fee and you guys were right. He really appreciates it!
He also said he still wants to come over but the application makes him feel nervous.

Yesterdaynight we had a Skype date planned. I was meeting some friends and I said I wouldn't stay to long so we could Skype. He said he was looking forward to it. So an hour before I got home I send him a text message ' be home in an hour'. I send him 5 more text messages. No respons...
So no Skype date and at the moment still not heard from him either. I'm trying not the freak out. Always overthinking too much.
This is so new for me. Still searching my way in this LDR relationship.

Your SO sounds like mine. He had to overcome his pride when it came to accepting money from me. He's more comfortable with it now, though he struggles personally with not being a strong provider. He's grateful for all my help, no matter what.
He has also stood me up once, very recently, and very nearly stood me up a few times before. And I too, can see lots of times that's he's read my messages and not replied. It's usually been circumstances he was in at the moment, or sometimes he's just bad at managing his time. I have learned though that his avoiding a chat, whether on Face Time or just messaging, means something is up. Not with us, but something is going on with him, some kind of worry or problem that causes him to withdraw. You'll find out what kept your SO from your date and then you'll decide if it's a valid reason in your eyes. Which is all very subjective. If I said when mine stood me up I hadn't heard from him for almost two days, most people would probably say it was inexcusable. But when I found out what was going on, it wasn't an emergency, he had a problem that he was avoiding confronting, I decided not to judge our whole relationship on it. And that's what I do, weigh the negatives against the positives, as I'm sure he must do with me and all my mix of good and bad qualities.
I hope you find out what kept him and I hope you work it out, as well as the visa stuff.
Wishing you well! I'm learning about being in an LDR too and we're lucky to have advice from some LDR veterans on here!

[Starjasmin]

I often get irritated when my GF reads stuff and doesn't reply, and we recently had a bit of falling out over a difference of perspective that got blown out of proportion.

As a result I am learning to not dwell on that so much, and she is working on replying to questions/info when she is able to, and not just waiting for when she knows I will be online to respond - eg I hear nothing from before I go to bed, or after I wake up until she gets up to go to work....

Communication is key here though, she did not understand how it bugged me, and I did not understand how she just had no idea that it would be a nice thing to do - she often cites that she knows I don't sleep well and doesn't want to wake me.

To her it was also a sign of possessiveness and mistrust on my behalf, because I was 'checking up' on her rather than getting her to 'check in' with me..... which is not something she is used to have ever really done, being a single parent and a whole host of other factors.

Ultimately my advice is, if you do not work out a compromise for yourself between the two of you, it will eat you up, if you sit there all the time 'waiting' and checking for a response. I am being more relaxed about it, and as such am getting less worked up, and happier as a result, and therefore a 'better' BF as I not being negative or complaining about stuff....

However not sticking to a 'date' is annoying and I sympathise - I would be very irritated if the time had been agreed upon and there was a no show, and no explanation as to why. It is just rude, and I would be pissed off if a friend stood me up for a drink etc, so would expect more.

Thank you for this! It's helpful. I go through this, like a cycle. I understand him, his habits, I respect them, I go about one way messaging happily, he's almost like my journal, and he reads my messages, but then it gets to be too long since our last date or too long since we had a two way chat and I get frustrated and sad and can spiral into darker thoughts. And I cry and a day or two later I've managed to work myself into the happy place again where I'm understanding, respectful of his habits, etc etc, until I get sad again. When realistically, thanks to your post here, I think the thing to do at those times is TELL HIM. let him know how far away from him I feel and ask for a date or when he has time to dedicate to a chat, not just exchange messages throughout the day, where yes, I will keep my iPad close all day waiting and hoping to hear the little ping of a message received! You're right, I need to communicate what I need. Otherwise I can choose to say nothing and figure out a way to really accept things as they are, which would mean learning to not let it eat me up inside and get sad.

[Lisa88]

Introversion is not really about that. There are introverts who are shy and there are introverts who love to voice their opinions. Maybe you can tell him you would like for him to respond, even if he doesn't have much to say. Have to tried Viber or any of the other apps with emicons? Sometimes it is easier to post an emicon than text

I'm using Whatsapp so he can communicate with emoticons. He does it most of the time. I think I'm more of a talker and he's more of a listener. So I think I have to get used to that.

[p_b82]

Thank you for this! It's helpful. I go through this, like a cycle. I understand him, his habits, I respect them, I go about one way messaging happily, he's almost like my journal, and he reads my messages, but then it gets to be too long since our last date or too long since we had a two way chat and I get frustrated and sad and can spiral into darker thoughts. And I cry and a day or two later I've managed to work myself into the happy place again where I'm understanding, respectful of his habits, etc etc, until I get sad again. When realistically, thanks to your post here, I think the thing to do at those times is TELL HIM. let him know how far away from him I feel and ask for a date or when he has time to dedicate to a chat, not just exchange messages throughout the day, where yes, I will keep my iPad close all day waiting and hoping to hear the little ping of a message received! You're right, I need to communicate what I need. Otherwise I can choose to say nothing and figure out a way to really accept things as they are, which would mean learning to not let it eat me up inside and get sad.

No problem at all, another thing that I found was that I was sending messages like a conversation - albeit a rambling one and one that jumped topics (which I do in real life anyway). I was then getting 'irritated' that I would only get an answer to maybe one or two of them when she did get back online.

It is this realisation that while I miss the conversation aspect, I was talking at her not to her, and so I am making an effort to not blurt every mind thought I have that I want to share with her, but only those that I think need a response, and as such, limit while she is busy to much fewer messages for her to 'catch up' on. The positive side of this, is that I get a better response to my posts that are left as they are direct questions and not just musings. This has the positive effect on me that I get something back, and not just a feeling of abandonment.

Those things that I want to share but don't think they need saying right now, I remember and bring up at a later time/date, if I don't it wasn't that important anyway!

It is all perspective, and it is mostly in our own heads, we just sometimes get caught up with the fact that yes it actually is an LDR and not just an extension of a CD one, and things are different.

By all means let him know how the lack of responses make you feel, he may well (my my GF is now doing) really make an effort to try to meet your needs in this, but for me it was actually taking a look at myself and understand why I thought I needed what I did. I realised I was being too demanding, and my expectations were set way too high too quickly. This is her first LDR, the first time she has put long term feelings ahead of short term ones (she is impulsive & spontaneous by nature) and I needed to give her a break and a chance to play catch up.

It was the fact that she explained to me how hard she is trying to meet my expectations, and how it hurt her to hurt me by not being able to do it, that she was then feeling like a failure, and that was one of the factors that caused our situation to get blown up.

Good luck, hope you are able to break that cycle as it is not a nice one to continue to go through, if you can't you need to ask a few tougher questions of whether you can live with this 'boom and bust' cycle longer term, as it doesn't sound like it is very healthy for you emotionally to stay within it.

[Lisa88]

Thank you for this! It's helpful. I go through this, like a cycle. I understand him, his habits, I respect them, I go about one way messaging happily, he's almost like my journal, and he reads my messages, but then it gets to be too long since our last date or too long since we had a two way chat and I get frustrated and sad and can spiral into darker thoughts. And I cry and a day or two later I've managed to work myself into the happy place again where I'm understanding, respectful of his habits, etc etc, until I get sad again. When realistically, thanks to your post here, I think the thing to do at those times is TELL HIM. let him know how far away from him I feel and ask for a date or when he has time to dedicate to a chat, not just exchange messages throughout the day, where yes, I will keep my iPad close all day waiting and hoping to hear the little ping of a message received! You're right, I need to communicate what I need. Otherwise I can choose to say nothing and figure out a way to really accept things as they are, which would mean learning to not let it eat me up inside and get sad.

This is so me. I also go through the cycle thing. We have some cultural differences and he has other habits and sometimes I can handle them and I understand him. But then I get sad again! Really frustrating! Then I be like ' What's wrong with me'. A couple of weeks ago I told him my expectations. And it's getting better. Not there yet but that's okay. With a lot of patience and communication I think this will work out for us!

[Petals]

I'm using Whatsapp so he can communicate with emoticons. He does it most of the time. I think I'm more of a talker and he's more of a listener. So I think I have to get used to that.

Try not to be so accommodating that you become a doormat. Unless he's at work, it is unacceptable that he reads your texts and not respond in a reasonable time, especially when you had an arranged Skype date. You know his schedule so I'm sure you aren't texting when he's expected to be at work, sleeping or otherwise fully engaged.

You are 2 months in, so don't set the precedent for behaviors that you are obviously uncomfortable with; you will regret this.

[differentcountries]

I'm using Whatsapp so he can communicate with emoticons. He does it most of the time. I think I'm more of a talker and he's more of a listener. So I think I have to get used to that.

Ah yes maybe, still it is important that he actually answers at least most of the time.

As for who does the talking, that might change too. It may also depend on the circumstances. SO is more chatty these days because his work is lighter. He is also happier and more relaxed because we (sort of) got a cat. In the beginning of our relationship, I knew I had to do something because he had never been in a relationship before, my solution was asking him lots of questions about HIM. He was over the moon about that I took such an interest. I remember the question that was the most important one was, "What is your first childhood memory?" His family is very unsentimental and they have some reservations in talking about the past because they had two deaths in the close family circle. One of his first childhood memory is about playing with his sister, who passed away 1 1/2 years ago. That spanned a whole series about me getting to know about his childhood, his family, his friends, his dreams for his future and so on. That way, he was actually doing most of the talking for a couple of months, and after that, our talking was more even (we are actually both introverts, but I feel very comfortable when talking about personal questions so therefore I tend to talk more). There are lots of lists online with 100 questions to ask a lover etc., I did not go through one such list, I went through several to pick my favourite questions and then I asked him like 3 every evening.