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**differentcountries** · November 20, 2014, 05:12 PM

Why do you want to wait 5 years?

**MissingMyDutchLove** · November 20, 2014, 05:32 PM

It really is just an age thing to be honest. We wanted to be established in our careers (I will be in graduate school until around 24-25) and just feel that we can take on the commitment that marriage is. It really is a huge thing, and we don't take that decision lightly. We also both have older siblings that are still unmarried, so there's this little bit of a backlash in asking why we can't slow it down a little (although none of them have to deal with long distance so circumstances are different). I just feel SO young. I'm only 20. I love him and in my heart I know that he is the one and he agrees. We wouldn't be in the relationship at all if we didn't see a future with each other, but it's incredibly scary to say that the person I love at 20 will be by my side at 80. I feel like if we wait 5 years (which would mean I'm only 25, which is still very young to be married these days), there wouldn't be any doubts that we're making the right decision.

EDIT: But on the other hand, 5 years long distance when we could just get married in the next year and finally be together for good seems unbearable.

**Dziubka** · November 20, 2014, 05:49 PM

@differentcountries:
Because getting married after you've only been together for a (relatively) short time is pretty often a pretty bad idea. ? Especially if you're very young,
My SO and I met when we were 20/21 as well and there is no way we would have been ready for marriage after about a year of dating. I'm very glad we didn't (have to) get married then.

On the topic:
There are already some threads on this topic in the forum. If you search for wedding and visa, you should be able to find them.
While my SO and I haven't gotten married for a Visa (thank whoever you want for the EU), we've gotten married for practical (read: financial) reasons. If you go into it consciously and aware that happily ever after is not the only way a marriage can end, I think wanting to live in the same country is a perfectly valid reason for getting married. I mean we can all love your SOs and be committed without a piece of paper, but sometimes that's what's needed to be able to live in the same country. Maybe you can find possibilites to spend longer periods of time together before getting married? Seeing as you're still young maybe student exchange or au pair are options for you?

**differentcountries** · November 20, 2014, 06:16 PM

Originally posted by Dziubka View Post

@differentcountries:
Because getting married after you've only been together for a (relatively) short time is pretty often a pretty bad idea. ? Especially if you're very young

I am not asking why they don't want to get married next month. But having her eyes set on exactly five years makes me wonder.

**swisslover** · November 20, 2014, 06:51 PM

Hi! I'm troubled by the same thing. My boyfriend and I have been in a long distance relationship for as long as I can remember and I want him to come and stay with me already, but it seems like the only sure thing we can do is get married. I am an American citizen while he is Swiss, and he doesn't have any problems coming here, but he can't stay for more than 59 days (not sure) unless he gets a working visa as well, but to get a working visa entails so many requirements and is pretty expensive. Although, yes, I can see myself with this guy in the future, I'm way way way too young to get married.

**conejita_hada** · November 20, 2014, 07:14 PM

OP, my SO and are will be getting married to be in the same country. Waiting is hard but I think your 5 year plan is good. Focusing on careers and the future is good for your relationship as well as your individual selves. I don't think you should necessarily speed up marriage to close the distance just yet because that is a big jump. What if you take a semester (or year abroad)? Or, since you plan to go to grad school, is the Netherlands an option? It's not practical for graduate school in the medical professional field but it could provide a good asset if you're going for an MA or MSc. That way, you'd also be at least temporarily closing the distance or moving closer for a time.

**MissingMyDutchLove** · November 20, 2014, 07:37 PM

Originally posted by conejita_hada View Post

What if you take a semester (or year abroad)? Or, since you plan to go to grad school, is the Netherlands an option? It's not practical for graduate school in the medical professional field but it could provide a good asset if you're going for an MA or MSc. That way, you'd also be at least temporarily closing the distance or moving closer for a time.

I am already going there for a semester during my undergrad, which helps. I have looked into doing grad school there, but for my field it is a completely different system and so my degree would be worthless in the US. I also have thought about moving there after I am done with school, but in order to practice in my field, I have to be fluent in Dutch...and right now I don't speak it at all. I'm starting to work on it and will take an intro class in the next year, but as of right now it's not looking to promising.

6 years is a loooooong time to be long distance when you see each other in person twice a year. My timeline isn't necessarily as long as his is, so I hope that he would change his mind if it came down to it.

Would you be willing to tell me a little more about your decision making process for deciding to get married? Did you look into work visas at all?

**Petals** · November 20, 2014, 08:47 PM

I will be getting married in the next year (not officially engaged yet lol) and yes closing the distance is a big factor. We originally planned to marry about 6 months after I moved there next July on work visa, but visa application was stalled due to qualification issues. So even though we will most likely marry a bit earlier than we originally intended, we were going in that direction anyways.

He cannot move to be with me because he is an established business owner and his kids are nearby. I don't have much ties to my country so it's logical that I move.

We love each other and feel highly compatible and want to get started on a baby making project soon

. Marriage will be a natural part of how our relationship progresses whether we have distance between us or not.

We are older though, so I totally understand your hesitation and wouldn't suggest getting married MAINLY to close the distance. It is a major decision and you should only do it when you feel completely ready for that step.

**conejita_hada** · November 20, 2014, 09:08 PM

That's good - for study abroad! It's hard to think about the years but just focusing on those next steps for the more immediate future helps a bit.

Originally posted by MissingMyDutchLove View Post

Would you be willing to tell me a little more about your decision making process for deciding to get married? Did you look into work visas at all?

Work visas to the US are difficult to obtain, especially without really specialized skills. While my SO is in school to be an engineer, the US has enough students from all over the world going to US schools to be engineers. A student visa was also out of the question because by the time he learned adequate English to transfer, he might as well complete his degree there (2016/2017). We entertained the idea of my moving to him but Guatemala does not have equivalent or similar salaries to the US for jobs I could obtain there without a lot of loops and I need a US salary for my school loans. All of these issues left us at the US fiance visa route. Our original plan with that is upon his graduation from university in December 2016. We may change the date to sooner (thinking of applying in January and him moving in Dec. 2015) but this has to do with issues of violence in his country and not something we would have entertained otherwise. In any case, it will be a fiance visa because moving to him isn't an option and moving to the US is difficult outside of for marriage. We have, however, exhaustively discussed it with each other and each of our parents. If violence wasn't escalating in his country, we would not be considering using marriage to close the distance before he finished his degree. We both recognize that building a solid educational and career foundation and achieving our respective goals are necessary to put first because if we don't it has a significant chance of putting a strain on the relationship.

To give perspective on our distance, we've been dating since March 2013 and long distance since August 2013. Total to the end of his degree would be 3-4 years of distance, depending on if he graduated in December 2016 or June 2017.

**lucybelle** · November 21, 2014, 06:16 AM

We got married to move to the USA. But we were also ready for marriage. If you think you or your relationship is too young then DO NOT rush into it.

**p_b82** · November 21, 2014, 07:09 AM

My GF and I have quite clearly stated to each other on a number of occasions we are not going to marry just to I can get a visa - like many others the practical reasons mean it will be me that relocates not her.

However for the ability to move and be together that we want to do 'soon' we are likely going to have to accelerate the process a little... how much we don't know....

I didn't marry my ex and that delay was because we had a fundamental difference of opinion about something after 3.5 years together that brought about the end of our relationship... so that was for the best delaying....

Yes it makes me be a bit wary about rushing in, but because the visa situation is what it is, it is a risk I am probably going to take with her. And the same for her as well in fairness...

**MissingMyDutchLove** · November 21, 2014, 12:26 PM

Any advice on how to talk to my SO about this? We have talked about marriage in general in the past and are on the same page, but he is pretty adamant about not getting married for a visa and wanting to wait until we are older. Although I agree with him, if in two years we still aren't in the same country and his plan to get here isn't working then why wouldn't we get married? As complicated as the issue is, I think it's definitely worth a discussion, but I'm afraid he's going to think I'm pushing him to get a ring now, which isn't necessarily the case.

**conejita_hada** · November 21, 2014, 01:28 PM

I would hold off on the discussion for now. Two years is a long time, both to wait, and to make a decision about right now if neither of your are ready for marriage. Wait another year and then come back to the topic. If at that point, you both have the same goals, then look seriously into marriage as an option for closing the distance.

**dragonlady** · November 21, 2014, 04:12 PM

we are getting married to be together, it feels real good and at the same time i am scared shitless.
For marriage the dutch and the americans are quite different, but the most inportant thing is to go with what feels right and dont forget to let your head have a saying in it too. and yes sometimes you make the wrong choice. i made a copple in my life (think everybody did) but i never regret them because i alwaysthought they where right at that moment and learned from them.
also most dutch are blunt dont know about your SO off course but just let your thoughts out and discuss it
Good luck!

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