I'm scared I've lost her

[imjustaguy]

Hey, I'm new here, but I could really do with some support and advice right now. Me and my girl have been talking online for 3 years (haven't met yet). We fell in love and were so close for the first 2 years, but this last year we have been fighting quite a bit. I found out I was bi-polar, didn't want to accept it, started acting out, taking it out on her etc etc. Rather than getting into all of that, I want to skip to what happened recently. We had been getting on fine, talking on skype every couple of days and going good. We had another fight, she told me that it's over and she doesn't want to be friends anymore and hung up on me. 2 days later she text me saying she missed me, so we talked again and were going good. But two weeks ago she had an argument on text with my twin brother (they talk sometimes too), and she got mad and told him that we both ruined her life for 3 years and to never contact her again.

I tried texting her and asking her to talk to me, but she completely ignored me. I wrote her a long email, telling her how much I care for her, and asking her if she could please text me soon because it would make me really happy. That was 1 week ago and I haven't heard anything from her....I'm trying to go no contact, to see if she will miss me enough to text me like she did before, but still nothing. I'm really scared that she's serious this time.....but how can she just move on after 3 years? I'm also scared to text her, because I fear being ignored again, or being told to leave her alone. I'm hurting really bad right now. I can't lose her from my life...she's one of my best friends...How do I approach this...?

[Sarah96]

*Most* couples have rough patches.... for me, the first year was rough, and this second year so far as been a lot better. The distance can be harder on some and not so much others, maybe she is taking it harder than you do? However, unless you know the specific reason she is acting like this, it's difficult to understand what is happening. It sounds like she just freaked out and decided she was done? I mean, the way she is acting seems a little childish if she's not explaining herself or why she wants the relationship to end. What would she have argued with your BROTHER about that would end your relationship? If she's not answering you, then move on. Clearly she doesn't want to act like an adult and at least give you a reason why the relationship is over, childish and a little disrespectful.

[snow_girl]

Both my long term relationships ended after 3 years. Relationships can end after that long and holding on to them purely because of that history and time spent together is not a reason to stay together. I think you better just accept that it is over, I don't understand the amount of people here that post wanting to know if they should keep trying. To me that is the biggest turn off of someone if I broke up with them. You haven't heard from her in a week move on. Find someone you can be with in real life or at least be able to visit. Maybe she started to feel that way.

[imjustaguy]

Look, I'm not here to be told to just "move on" and "get over it" like it meant nothing to me. 3 years is a long time and we had the best connection I could ever imagine. Just because she has ignored me for 1 week, doesn't mean I should just walk away. What's 1 week compared to 3 years? All I need is some advice on how to approach her and have her answer me, rather than ignore me. I just need to be able to communicate with her properly, so I need a way to get her attention...

[R&R]

Hey, I'm new here, but I could really do with some support and advice right now. Me and my girl have been talking online for 3 years (haven't met yet). We fell in love and were so close for the first 2 years, but this last year we have been fighting quite a bit. I found out I was bi-polar, didn't want to accept it, started acting out, taking it out on her etc etc. Rather than getting into all of that, I want to skip to what happened recently. We had been getting on fine, talking on skype every couple of days and going good. We had another fight, she told me that it's over and she doesn't want to be friends anymore and hung up on me. 2 days later she text me saying she missed me, so we talked again and were going good. But two weeks ago she had an argument on text with my twin brother (they talk sometimes too), and she got mad and told him that we both ruined her life for 3 years and to never contact her again.

I tried texting her and asking her to talk to me, but she completely ignored me. I wrote her a long email, telling her how much I care for her, and asking her if she could please text me soon because it would make me really happy. That was 1 week ago and I haven't heard anything from her....I'm trying to go no contact, to see if she will miss me enough to text me like she did before, but still nothing. I'm really scared that she's serious this time.....but how can she just move on after 3 years? I'm also scared to text her, because I fear being ignored again, or being told to leave her alone. I'm hurting really bad right now. I can't lose her from my life...she's one of my best friends...How do I approach this...?

She has told you in word and action that she is done. You have to respect that. It may not be what you want but it's what she wants. A relationship takes two people. When one person wants out, it doesn't matter how much the second person may want it to work. You can't have a relationship alone.

I understand it's painful. When you aren't the one to end the relationship, it's extremely hard. You're 22. As much as you may not want to hear this now, there will be others. You will date again. You will find someone else who will truly be your best friend. But for now, you need to be able to let go. She has.

[imjustaguy]

We have had fights in the past. When it gets heated, we both say mean things. She has told me lots of times that she's done, but she would always come back saying she misses me and stuff. It's just a little longer this time and I'm still waiting, but I have hopes that she will text me again...

[R&R]

When fighting, using the line you are going to end it is not a part of a healthy relationship. Everyone can have disagreements or arguments but the stating the ending of a relationships should never be used. I don't care how frustrated or upset me and my SO may get - that's not an option to say unless you mean it.

In a previous LDR, my ex used that threat once and then came back apologizing. I told him if he used it again, I'd hold him to it. Three weeks later, he used it again. Guess who found himself out of my life for good? It's been over 4 years and I'm still the "one who got away" from him and "it was the biggest mistake" he'd ever made.

For now, I wouldn't sit and hold out waiting for her. I'm not saying that you need to go out there and start dating. However, you might want to start focusing now on you.

[imjustaguy]

And how do I focus on myself? My every thought is literally about her. I can barely sleep, barely eat, and can't enjoy Christmas because my heart hurts so much. How do I stop all that? If you can tell me how to take all the pain and thoughts of her away then I would gladly listen. Because focusing on other activities in my life doesn't help

[R&R]

First, you need to put away any pictures, etc that you may have. You don't need to throw them away, just maybe put them in a box. Any letters, gifts, etc. If you have emails, move them to a folder on your computer that you don't see. Text messages, transfer them to the folder or a folder on your phone that you aren't always looking at. Tell family and friends that you don't want to discuss her or the situation. In time, you will be able to look at these things again.

You just need to get through one day at a time. If you tell yourself you are going to be miserable, you are going to be miserable. If you wake up and force yourself that you are going to get through the day and not focus on her for just that day, do that. You may have to start as simple as a half hour, then an hour. It's going to take time. Your relationship didn't start and end in a day so don't expect it to be instantaneous.

Just remember, you are not the first person to suffer a breakup and you won't be the last. We have all survived. You will too.

[differentcountries]

Look, I'm not here to be told to just "move on" and "get over it" like it meant nothing to me. 3 years is a long time and we had the best connection I could ever imagine. Just because she has ignored me for 1 week, doesn't mean I should just walk away. What's 1 week compared to 3 years? All I need is some advice on how to approach her and have her answer me, rather than ignore me. I just need to be able to communicate with her properly, so I need a way to get her attention...

We are not saying it meant nothing, believe me most of us know the pain. Me and my ex broke up after 4 years together. Over is over, pushing the matter now is only going to annoy her. You can't communicate with her now. She wants to break up, you want to be together.. Those wishes don't go well together. I understand your needs for mending the relationship, even the need for a real closure. Still, if her final words are said, you can't force her to do things differently. If you can, please stay away from her, really reduce contact of all kinds. It will probably take you a while to digest what happened. When my ex left, I cried for 5 minutes every day for 6 months. And it took another 6 months for me to feel like myself again. I focused on work, studies, my friends among other things.

[whatruckus]

We have had fights in the past. When it gets heated, we both say mean things. She has told me lots of times that she's done, but she would always come back saying she misses me and stuff. It's just a little longer this time and I'm still waiting, but I have hopes that she will text me again...

My ex did the same thing. You know what happened the last time he said it? We were done for good.

Then, a few months later, I met my SO. We're great.

BTW, my ex and I were together for 5 years, he lived with me and my parents. She could very well be done now. If I were you, I would believe that she's done and not hold out. Holding out does nothing, because you could be waiting forever and letting other good girls pass you by. Also, if this is something that she does a lot, says she's done and then comes crawling back, it's time to end it anyways. No relationship that has fights like that ends up being healthy.

And, try not to get so snippy with us, you came here for advice, we're giving you that advice. We're not going to sit here and tell you what you want to hear, if you wanted that, you could talk to a mirror.

[Miasmata]

Can only echo what everyone else said, just wanted to come in to underline that your own wellbeing is the most urgent thing, especially now. Also, you said you are bipolar - Are you seeing a professional about it? Especially since you are going through a rough patch now, having more support won't hurt. Don't stay alone now, there are people there for you, but you need to let them help.

[imjustaguy]

So I text her today to say Merry Christmas and she wrote back saying "thanks" and a smiley face. I then asked her if maybe we could skype this weekend and she said "No I don't think so". I asked her why not, and she wrote me a long text telling me how she's much happier now, has no stress, no fights, sleeps better, loves life". It hurt a lot to hear this, because while I've been depressed the last 2 weeks, she was getting on with her life and being happy.....How was she able to be happy? We had been so so so close...I just don't understand it. I started panicking and telling her to please not walk out of my life completely, even if it means we only talk once a week". She then made a joke saying "then come here and meet me haha". So I said i would. I promised her that we would make plans and make it happen. She didn't reply so I asked her "So can we still be friends?" and she said "we'll see how it goes". We left it at that...

How was she able to turn out life around in just 2 weeks? How did she become a totally new person in such a short time? How was she able to be happy and do things.....I felt miserable all this time and thought she would have at least missed me, but those things she said about her "new life" ? what does it mean? Ya, maybe she was trying to move on, but it's only been 2 weeks.....

[R&R]

So I text her today to say Merry Christmas and she wrote back saying "thanks" and a smiley face. I then asked her if maybe we could skype this weekend and she said "No I don't think so". I asked her why not, and she wrote me a long text telling me how she's much happier now, has no stress, no fights, sleeps better, loves life". It hurt a lot to hear this, because while I've been depressed the last 2 weeks, she was getting on with her life and being happy.....How was she able to be happy? We had been so so so close...I just don't understand it. I started panicking and telling her to please not walk out of my life completely, even if it means we only talk once a week". She then made a joke saying "then come here and meet me haha". So I said i would. I promised her that we would make plans and make it happen. She didn't reply so I asked her "So can we still be friends?" and she said "we'll see how it goes". We left it at that...

How was she able to turn out life around in just 2 weeks? How did she become a totally new person in such a short time? How was she able to be happy and do things.....I felt miserable all this time and thought she would have at least missed me, but those things she said about her "new life" ? what does it mean? Ya, maybe she was trying to move on, but it's only been 2 weeks.....

What you need to understand that for YOU, it's been two weeks. For her, it's probably been in her mind for a long time. I'm sure she didn't just wake up that day and say it's over. It had to have been building in her for quite awhile and so when she was done, she was done. I have a very strong feeling that this relationship meant MUCH more to you than it ever did to her. I don't think she saw it the same way you did which also makes it easier to walk away.

If you truly love her as you say you do, then you do what is best for her and not you. She has clearly told you that the breakup is what is best for her and that she is happy. If you love her, let her be happy - even if that happiness doesn't include you.

[imjustaguy]

She can still be happy like she is now, but still talk to me once a week or something to catch up. That's all I need...just to know she's still in my life in some way, and not gone from it like she just died...Maybe talking little like that will help me to finally deal with it until eventually we don't even talk. I would rather go out of it slowly like that, than to just completely let go and have her vanish from my life.

She really did care so much about me and this relationship. A year ago we used to tell each other we loved them almost every day. We stayed up so late on skype and neither of us wanted to leave first. If I went away on vacation for a few days, she cried so much on skype to me because she would miss me so much. She truly did love me then...So I refuse to believe that this meant more to me than to her. She began to lose hope at the beginning of this year when we had more and more fights. I took things out on her and said some horrible things. Even though she always came back to me, those things still affected her feelings. So I think that is why its a little easier for her to let go. But I would rather hold onto her right now, even if it's to have the comfort of knowing she's there if I need her. To me, that's better than knowing she would be gone completely and ignore me forever