Friend of the Opposite Sex?

[Nathan Costa]

Hi,

My SO and I have a Long Distance relationship and haven't met in person yet. We've been dating for around 4 months but have known each other for around 8. Before we began having an exclusive relationship, she was extremely close friends with a member of the opposite sex. This "friend" is a virtual friend; someone who lives in another country and has never met her, yet some certain past events and topics of conversation they share make me uncomfortable. Keep in mind that I have yet to meet my SO in person so our relationship has been entirely via text, phone calls, video chats etc. Of these 3 methods of communication we share, she has shared 2 of them with her "friend" as well (text and phone call).

I know it is of vital importance to acknowledge the fact that she cannot spend the entire day at her PC. I know she needs to have time to build and maintain her IRL relationships and I fully support this. I really do want to do my best to give her space and avoid coming across as a typical jealous boyfriend, however, I think I have a right, in this particular circumstance, to at LEAST feel a bit uncomfortable. This "friend" is someone she has known a little bit longer than myself and someone she had regular, every-day texts with for months before we began dating. After we began dating exclusively, I expressed concerns with my SO about her friend because I feared he may have feelings for her. She dismissed me rather quickly and assured me that their relationship was merely a friendship and I had nothing to worry about. This comforted me, but I still didn't like the frequent 1-on-1 interactions she shared with this "friend". A couple weeks later, my SO tells me that this "friend" confessed his feelings for her and even told her that he thought he loved her. I tried to be supporting of her and talk her through what to do without saying the obvious "I told you so". I was able to talk her through that awkwardness with her "friend" and he later told my SO that he was just going to take some time to himself.

A couple weeks later this guy reaches out to my SO again and says he just wants to be friends and he no longer has feelings for her. Of course my guy instincts are calling BS on that one. Feelings don't just disappear after 2 weeks especially if they were derived from a text based relationship and that still remained how they communicated. I expressed my distaste for her continuing to have a relationship with this friend after he practically confessed his love for her; she basically told me that I was being jealous and over-controlling and that I had no right to feel that way. This was a major hump in our relationship and she practically refused to end this friendship even if it meant degrading our own relationship. It has been about 2 months since then and things have improved slightly, however, I still hold some resentment about how she handled that situation. It came up in conversation this morning that she still talks to this guy every couple days and has been "helping" him deal with "personal problems". I will be quite blunt when I say that I HATE and completely disprove of having intimate conversations like that with someone who 2 months ago confessed his love for my SO.

I think that is completely ridiculous and well within reason for me to feel jealous and uncomfortable. She continues to tell me how all I'm being is jealous for no reason and over-controlling, yet I think I have a right to be in this particular circumstance. It really is difficult for me because I'm trying to find the balance between being understanding and giving her space, but also knowing when to draw the line. No other guy friends that she has had 1-on-1 interactions with bother me EXCEPT for this particular guy, yet she continues to make me feel bad for feeling the way I do every time I mention it to her.

What do you guys think? Should I "let it go" Frozen style? Or should I draw the line?


Thanks a lot!

[p_b82]

Personally you sound jealous, the fact you put friend in inverted commas every time says that you don't trust her or him, and he is an object of your jealousy.

But put it this way, if you had a really close friend who you had knows for longer than your GF, and your GF says - you must stop talking to this person because I don't like them, even though I have not met them or don't know them.... I bet you would be pretty upset too. Whether it is a friend of the opposite sex or not.

You have to have complete trust in an LDR, if you give people reason to doubt that trust it often ends up with your prediction coming right, as they feel they may as well, as you don't trust them anyway.

I have a female friend, who I have a very special bond with, that is also a virtual friend, we did meet and have slept together in the past, I told my GF all about her, as my ex was extremely jealous and I wanted it to be up front and out in the open.

my GF has had a number of her close male friends very recently declare feelings for her, and I helped her work them out, one of them was even her working out whether she loved him or not - if she did, that would have probably been end of our relationship, as I would not have wanted to stand in the way of some-one she loved being that much closer than me.... it would though have meant walking out her life, as I could not handle being friends knowing how I feel about her... thankfully it did not come down to that.

If I was in a CD relationship, I would not expect to be given a blow by blow summary of my GF's conversations if she went out on her own without me, and that is no different to a conversation with a virtual friend.

If there is anything that is of interest to me, or that impacts me and her, she lets me now a high level summary, if I want to know more I then ask at that point....

[Jaac]

I can understand your jealous feelings. Who wouldnt be jealous if your SO has 1 on 1 contact with a friend of the opposite sex who also told her he 'loves' her.
I think you have made your feelings clear towards her. She knows you are jealous and I'm sure she can see where you're coming from (eventhough she might say she doesn't. Have you ever asked her how she would feel is it were you having 1 on 1 contact with a girl?)

I'm not saying you shouldn't express your feelings about this, at all!
The thing about jealousy is though, it is all about trust.
You telling her how you don't like her being close friends with this guy is the same as telling her you don't trust her.
Don't you think she is smart enough to back out when this guy shows romantic interest again?

I had a boyfriend who was jealous once and I was so sick of him telling me I couldn't be friends with guys.
I will decide that for myself, thank you very much.

You can fight about this as much as you want, but it will only push her away. Trust me.
If she hasn;t stopped talking with him now, she won't do so after 10 fight about it.

If I were you, I would have a serious conversation. Try not to start a fight and talk about it in a calm way.
Maybe you should ask her if she is interested in this guy in any way other that friends.
Ask her what she would do if he tells her he loves her again.

After this, I think you should give it a rest.
Trust her when she says this is only a friend.
You can't make her cut off this friendship.

Good luck!!!
I hope things work out

[Nathan Costa]

Personally you sound jealous, the fact you put friend in inverted commas every time says that you don't trust her or him, and he is an object of your jealousy.

I put "friend" in commas to denote the fact that he isn't JUST a friend. If he was JUST a friend I wouldn't have any problem with her having regular contact with him. I have no problems with any of her other friends. But continuing to speak regularly even after he said he loved her seems a bit inconsiderate of her especially since I made it clear that it makes me uncomfortable. From my POV, she herself shouldn't even want to speak with him since I told her my feelings about it, yet she doesn't seem to care and continues to do it anyway. Wouldn't a good GF wan't to make her SO happy within reason? Limiting 1-on-1 conversations with this guy doesn't seem out-of-this-world unreasonable at all.

But put it this way, if you had a really close friend who you had knows for longer than your GF, and your GF says - you must stop talking to this person because I don't like them, even though I have not met them or don't know them.... I bet you would be pretty upset too. Whether it is a friend of the opposite sex or not.

Thing is, it isn't as black and white as that. Just a friend is just a friend and I have no problems there. But a friend who confesses his love for my SO? That seems to fall under a different category. Add onto that the fact that she is helping him with his personal problems; a very intimate sort of conversation at the very least. I can take a step back and come to the conclusion that I would NOT be doing the same thing under any circumstances because I wouldn't want to make my SO jealous. Her feelings transcend those of a friend.

If I was in a CD relationship, I would not expect to be given a blow by blow summary of my GF's conversations if she went out on her own without me, and that is no different to a conversation with a virtual friend.

If there is anything that is of interest to me, or that impacts me and her, she lets me now a high level summary, if I want to know more I then ask at that point....

I haven't asked for her a full-page report on what conversations she has with this friend. That would be insane. Thing is, I really do feel like this falls under a special circumstance where I have a right to feel the way I do. I have no problem with her and her other male friends. I've never asked to see messages between her and them. This is the ONLY friend of her's that bothers me and I think I have reasons to feel how I do.

I can understand your jealous feelings. Who wouldnt be jealous if your SO has 1 on 1 contact with a friend of the opposite sex who also told her he 'loves' her.
I think you have made your feelings clear towards her. She knows you are jealous and I'm sure she can see where you're coming from (eventhough she might say she doesn't. Have you ever asked her how she would feel is it were you having 1 on 1 contact with a girl?)

Yes, I have asked her how she'd feel if I was having the same conversations with another girl. She says she wouldn't care, but the flaw in this question is that she may just say that in order to get what she wants. Who really knows how she would feel until she was actually in the same position as myself; and because I give her absolutely 0 reason to be jealous of anything, that would never happen.

Don't you think she is smart enough to back out when this guy shows romantic interest again?

Honestly? I doubt she would ever stop talking to this guy. He could profess his love for her time and time again and she would still think it is alright to continue talking to him regardless of how I feel about it.

I had a boyfriend who was jealous once and I was so sick of him telling me I couldn't be friends with guys.
I will decide that for myself, thank you very much.

Absolutely! I agree with you 100% in that circumstance and I'm sorry you went through that. Like I've previously said, I have no problems with her hanging out with other guys. I'm pretty flexible in that regard. But seriously? She can't meet me in the middle here and accept the fact that there are extenuating circumstances surrounding this friend and there are more moving pieces? This isn't typical jealousy I don't think. Is it truly unreasonable of me to want to limit her 1-on-1 interactions with this guy given the fact that he confessed his love for her?

I really don't want to push her away, but sometimes I feel like all I do is GIVE GIVE GIVE and I never GET. I want to know that it is normal to feel how I do given these circumstances and have her acknowledge that, but I think this is perhaps a bit too much to hope for.

[snow]

I get why you're upset and it makes sense. You have never met your SO, she has never met that guy, they talk the way you talk and you are dating, what tells you that she might not date him? Well, this is the thought you need to get out of your head. All it really is, is jealousy for no reason, because let's face the facts here, she has never given you a reason not to trust her, has she? She has no feelings for him, she told you when he confessed to her and didn't hide it, she was honest about their relationship to each other and she keeps you up to date with what's happening between them.

So yes, it might seem like you are the one giving, but look at her, she gives and gives and gives and you take it without being grateful. She doesn't HAVE to tell you that she is talking to him, she doesn't HAVE to let you know what they are talking about or how often they do it, but she does, so you can trust her. Now your part is to trust her until she gives you reason not to trust her.

[Chillosaurus]

[...]Thing is, I really do feel like this falls under a special circumstance where I have a right to feel the way I do.[...] I think I have reasons to feel how I do.

I am not really sure: Do you want and appreciate advice or shall we just tell you everything is gonna be alright and assure you of the way you are thinking?

[...] I want to know that it is normal to feel how I do given these circumstances and have her acknowledge that, but I think this is perhaps a bit too much to hope for.

Who cares about what is normal?

[Jaac]

Snow has a point, has she ever given you a reason to not trust her?
She could've kept everything a secret.
She could tell you she has stopped talking to this guy, but continue on anyway.
Wouldn't you rather have her share it with you than do it behind your back?

You're gonna have to trust her.
If you can't live with that, then maybe she's not the right one for you.

I'm sorry, but I really think you're gonna have to give it a rest. Maybe if you both calm down and don't talk (or argue) about it, you can have a reasonable conversation about this and maybe you can meet in the middle.


I don't know if it's possible for you guys to meet in person???
That would help a lot. Not only because you can do stuff together, but also because you can actually talk face to face. No misinterpretations over whatsapp or anything.

[Nathan Costa]

Do you want and appreciate advice or shall we just tell you everything is gonna be alright and assure you of the way you are thinking?

No, I am definitely reading and appreciating all of the feedback. But I'm starting to feel like I'm somehow reacting over the top and it is difficult to wrap my mind around that idea. When what I'm being told is completely different from how I'm FEELING, it is difficult to find a compromise between the two.


EDIT: Thanks to everyone for the feedback thus far. It seems like I need to reevaluate how I'm feeling and work to overcome this? On paper it seems black and white. It is upsetting me for valid reasons, so don't do it. But I guess there are always more moving pieces.

[Jaac]

It's always different for outsiders.
Feelings do whatever they want and it's hard to change them

[differentcountries]

It is not so much about changing the feeling as changing the way you react towards those feelings. All of us feel feelings that are unpleasant and that we have to deal with.

[farandaway]

It can be really hard, especially in an ldr. You always here the story, that no relationship works unless you can trust your bf/gf. But also we know of many stories where you've trusted them and they've ended up developing feeling of more than a friendship and if you've been though that it will be hard to trust again. I admire my SO. We've had hard patches where he was away for a long time and I was lonely and started talking to someone else online, even skyping and I felt so quilty about it. My SO just said don't worry, I trust you. Is that a healthy thing to say? Where you have no worries at all and there is not even that tiny little bit of jealousy that shows that it matters.

I met my SO in okcupid and earlier I was writing to some other guys as well. There is one of his countryman who has become a very good friend of mine. I tell him things about me and SO that bother me and get his opinion. He does the same with me. He has met someone special online and he talks to me very bluntly and honestly. I would say he is the person on this planet who knows most about my relationship. My SO does not know in what detail we talk but he knows that I have a need to talk about everything and he has said he trusts my judgement. He is not jealous, nor does he want to know more about him.

I'm thinking if you are making it too big a deal. Are you afraid to trust her? Are you not afraid for your relationship if you cannot call it a truce ever. If your whole relationship is withering around this subject, it will damage you eventually. Why not give her the benefit of a doubt and take a risk if that's what you feel that it is. Fighting over it is also not a solution.

[Miasmata]

The hard truth is that in any situation and any relationship, someone you thought was trustworthy can disappoint you. But the thing is, are you willing to throw away the many, MANY chances at a good and meaningful relationship out of fear for the offchance of something truly heartbreaking happening? Some people will say yes to that, and that's okay, because not everybody is in the right place (personally and mentally) for a relationship. But if you can trust, you really should try it.

My take on it is like others said that unless she has given you a reason to distrust her, you should make an honest effort to trust her. Trust is tough and scary sometimes, I think everyone here can agree with that - But it doesn't make it any less worth it to trust the right people.

[p_b82]

OP in your first reply to my post I noticed you completely ignored the fact that my GF has had the very same thing happen with a CD friend....

But I will say that unless there is a very good reason, IMO in a relationship no-one should expect another one to stop doing something purely because of jealousy. whether it is talking, going climbing, sitting in a hot tub, going to a fetish club or whatever. (with my ex I had to ask her to not do somethings she liked as I did not trust she could keep her word if I let her do them, and in fairness she wasn't sure she would either so agreed, but we had a healthy conversation about it)

I am also not saying that you are wrong to feel the way you do either - Feelings are feelings after all, but you are wrong IMO to expect her to drop her friendship, because you are jealous - she has been honest and up front, and you know all about it, that is a sign that she wanted to make you aware, and not keep secrets from you, and so is being open and trustworthy.

If you are unable to get your own feelings under control here, and can't get past this aspect of jealously, then TBH I think you should consider walking away from an LDR, as it will not end well if you keep stoking the fire all the time

[R&R]

I agree with the other posters - it comes down to trust. She has been honest and up front with you about the whole situation. Just because the guy has told her has feelings for her doesn't mean that they are reciprocated by her. In life, there are always going to be people who have romantic feelings for your SO and that is where trust of your SO becomes even more important.

Here are a couple of examples:
Recently, I had gone shopping one day with my friend Jessica. I told my SO I had been out with Jess and he thought I said Jeff, which is my ex. He didn't get upset or ask why I was out with Jeff. When I finally said something about going to lunch and her barely fitting at the table due to her pregnancy belly, he questioned "Who were you with??" I told him and he said, "Oh, I thought you said JEFF. See, no jealousy and I didn't go flying off the handle". Why? Because he trusts me.....even when he thought it was an ex.
He has a female friend he Skypes with and she lives in, I think, Germany. They have been friends for a long time and I know she has more than a friendship interest in him. She knows about me and she respects the relationship. I wouldn't think of asking him to stop talking to her. If something was ever going to have evolved with them, I think it already would have. I trust him. And I'm sure once we close the distance, I'll probably chat with her too.

You have to have trust in your partner, whether you are CD or LD. All through life obstacles are going to be thrown at you and communication and trust are key. If you can't get yourself under control, she is going to walk away. No one wants to be with someone who wants to control their friendships.