I need some advice

[m3sh]

hey! It's my first time posting here so be nice :3

Me and my girlfriend are gamers, addicted gamers. I live in the Philippines, she live in Singapore and playing games is our main way of spending time together. We play a lot of games and are still constantly finding new games to play. Through all those finding, we found Rift. She likes MMOs but I don't that much but I'll play anything with her.

So what I'm worried about is, should I be worried about guys talking/flirting with her in the game? I know that she will play a lot more than me, she played all night while I was sleeping (I have classes the next day). I also know how guys go crazy on a girl gamer. Both of us are in a gaming clan and whenever she posts something on the Facebook group of that clan, she immediately gets tons of replies while other posts don't. There's also a lot of guys who flirt with her on that group, and maybe, in real life too.

Should I be worried like this? The reason why I'm this worried is because, she goes out with her group of friends a lot, out for drinking and stuff. She even went to a sleepover in a hotel with the same group of friends, I didn't even know about this since she only told me when she came home on Jan. 1 afternoon. She can also get a little naughty, even on public. Also at times while we're chatting or talking, she takes a long time to reply. Like, for a moment she's replying so fast and then suddenly, she takes more than one minute to reply which makes me think that she's talking to someone else while we're talking. Are those reasons enough for me to be worried?

One more thing, is it bad to give her everything that she wants? Sometimes while we're talking or playing a game, she says "Oh, I like this so much". Even just now, she just finished playing Rift and she says that she wants to buy gems in-game which costs $20. I said that I can buy it for her and at first she says that she's concerned that it's too expensive, I even told her that she's making me broke but in a joke tone. After that, she was all for it, like she wanted me to buy it for her. I'm always like this when she wants something, and I already bought a lot of things for her. By the way, she rarely gives me any gifts. It's okay with me, but you would think that she would feel a little bit guilty about me buying a lot of stuff for her while she rarely does the same thing for me. So, is what I'm doing wrong?

I'm meeting her in March. Gonna go to Singapore after my finals. Should i just let everything happen till the day we meet? Because I think that she still doesn't trust me fully. I have my doubts too, that's why I'm asking for advice. Just really need a bit of peace in my mind so any advice would be awesome. Would really like to be with her eventually, and I hope that my overthinking will not break our relationship. Any advice?

P.S. I'm sorry if my post is really long. Just thought that it would be better to just post one thread instead of posting multiple.

[Unconditional]

From what you've put it here...It sounds like she's using you. Maybe I'm wrong, but, that's what I'm seeing here.

[vicks5721]

Yeah I agree with Unconditional, it does sound like she is using you to buy her stuff and getting to know someone through just a game is difficult, do you guys skype or video chat at all??

[differentcountries]

She is a little flirty and she has a lot of friends that she hangs out with. Or, put in a different light; she is not clingy and she knows how to entertain herself also when you are not there. So far, so good.

I have a lot of issues with girls asking for presents, especially expensive ones. Please don't buy her anything you can't afford or if giving her more gifts makes you uncomfortable. Be aware if the two of you have created a dynamics where she can "order" whatever she wants with you and you find it hard to tell her no. She is not you wife who is supported by you. How is her own economy? Can she afford to buy you gifts? Does she do other nice things for you that makes you feel apprecciated? Rembember; the money is yours! Don't spend your money if you don't want to. She pay have put preassure on you, but it was your hand acting and spending the money. If you are uncomfortable with the situation, don't be so soon to buy her the next present. Perhaps stop all together before you can talk it over in person. You might even hint yourself about which kind of gifts or treats you would prefer to receive. It is important that the both of you are comfortable. She may be nagging you, but you are also giving in too easily. I am not sure if she is using you per say, but in the situation you come out as feeling preassured to to things you don't want to. Reclaim power over your own life and wallet. If you are not rich, why should you shower her with gifts?

If you have issues trusting each other, you should talk this over with each others. Such things are very important in a relationship. But I can understand those very trust issues can make it hard to relax and be open with one another about what the problem might be and to solve the issues together. Perhaps you can try to do it step by step. Like if she opens up a bit, you open up an bit, then she opens up and so on. Then none of you have to fully expose themselves while the other doesn't have to.

It seems to me that the both of you have a very indirect way of talking to each other. Perhaps the both of you could benifit from also using a more straightforward language, and actually tell each other what you expect from a relationship. Perhaps talking about the 5 love languages could be a tool to get to know each other better.

[snow]

It's hard to say without knowing all the details. My man and I are both in a gaming community as well and people get flirty with me sometimes - there is nothing to worry about since we both know we are committed to each other and it's always nice to know that people think you are attractive in one way or another. Do these people know she is in a relationship? And if they don't, which is absolutely fine, she does not have to share your private life with your gaming community, does she tell them when they get too close for comfort?
There has been times where people were being really nice and generous to me and I was too naive I guess, because I never thought they were actually trying to hit on me, so when they told me that they were into me or that they wanted to date me, I always made sure to let them know that I have a boyfriend and that I am not interested - that's kinda what I mean.

When it comes to the responding, life is unpredictable AND one minute to wait for a message is not a reason for concern. If she was responding really fast and then didn't respond for half an hour, but responded right where you left of, I would be more concerned. Imagine this, she responds to you, her parents walk into her room and ask her a question about school/work/anything really, it would be really rude of her not to respond or ignore them, so of course she is going to take that one minute, two minutes, even five minutes if it is important. If that is something that bothers you, let her know that you'd like to know when something like that happens.
I asked my man to always type brb if something like that is happening, which literally doesn't even take a full second and it gives me the peace of mind - yet, again, one minute between responses is not really a reason to worry.

Now, when it comes to buying her things, I'm divided on this one. I point out things to my man, friends and family that I like, because I do hope someone buys it for me for my birthday/christmas/any occasion, but on a day to day basis, I only point things out I either really need or are reasonably priced. Of course I want my man to buy me some stuff if I really want it, but this is a decision you have to make for yourself - do you want to keep spending money on her? Is it OK for you that she can't or doesn't do that for you? Do you worry about it? If not, then go ahead, spend away!
I have loads of friends who will randomly buy me games on steam that they see on my wishlist, because they have much more money than I do and they like to spend it on me sometimes. They know I can't do the same for them, but they don't expect me to, which makes it easier on my conscience.

[m3sh]

Thanks for the replies, here are mine.

From what you've put it here...It sounds like she's using you. Maybe I'm wrong, but, that's what I'm seeing here.

Yeah I agree with Unconditional, it does sound like she is using you to buy her stuff and getting to know someone through just a game is difficult, do you guys skype or video chat at all??

I don't really feel like she's using me. I did hear some stories of her making other guys that she's not in a relationship with buy things for her (in-game items, etc.). When I heard that story, I compared it to our relationship and the only time she really asked me for stuff is only once. The other times, she just said "I want this" and I voluntarily said "Sure, I'll buy it for you". I don't know if those two are the same but to me. it's not. One more thing is that, whenever she wants something and I think that I can't or won't buy it for her, I feel like she'll get depressed or sad that I can't get the stuff that she likes. Is that a good reason?

and Vicks5721, we do talk to each other on Teamspeak. On our first month, we were skyping, but now we have a Teamspeak server and we have our private room there only for the both of us. That's where we talk while we're playing, chilling, etc.

She is a little flirty and she has a lot of friends that she hangs out with. Or, put in a different light; she is not clingy and she knows how to entertain herself also when you are not there. So far, so good.

I have a lot of issues with girls asking for presents, especially expensive ones. Please don't buy her anything you can't afford or if giving her more gifts makes you uncomfortable. Be aware if the two of you have created a dynamics where she can "order" whatever she wants with you and you find it hard to tell her no. She is not you wife who is supported by you. How is her own economy? Can she afford to buy you gifts? Does she do other nice things for you that makes you feel apprecciated? Rembember; the money is yours! Don't spend your money if you don't want to. She pay have put preassure on you, but it was your hand acting and spending the money. If you are uncomfortable with the situation, don't be so soon to buy her the next present. Perhaps stop all together before you can talk it over in person. You might even hint yourself about which kind of gifts or treats you would prefer to receive. It is important that the both of you are comfortable. She may be nagging you, but you are also giving in too easily. I am not sure if she is using you per say, but in the situation you come out as feeling preassured to to things you don't want to. Reclaim power over your own life and wallet. If you are not rich, why should you shower her with gifts?

If you have issues trusting each other, you should talk this over with each others. Such things are very important in a relationship. But I can understand those very trust issues can make it hard to relax and be open with one another about what the problem might be and to solve the issues together. Perhaps you can try to do it step by step. Like if she opens up a bit, you open up an bit, then she opens up and so on. Then none of you have to fully expose themselves while the other doesn't have to.

It seems to me that the both of you have a very indirect way of talking to each other. Perhaps the both of you could benifit from also using a more straightforward language, and actually tell each other what you expect from a relationship. Perhaps talking about the 5 love languages could be a tool to get to know each other better.

She told me that a lot of guys are flirting with her, but she's not flirting with them. Yes, she isn't clingy at all, I think I'm the one that's clingy in our relationship but I'm not showing it to her, it's just what I think. I can actually afford the things that she wants, its just that I think I gave her a lot already. In terms of her economy, her family is wealthy but her parents are not giving anything to her. I asked her if she's gonna get me anything for my birthday in Jan. 16, here's our conversation.

ME: babe, whats my birthday gift? :3
ME: heheheheheh
ME: jk
ME: lol xD
HER: im thinking
HER: giv me time
ME: ohhhhh
HER: with holidays and no income
HER: its tough
ME: didnt know youll give me :O
HER: tbh
HER: idk
ME: its okay
ME: lol
ME: was just joking
ME: its okay if you dont give me anything
ME: just your love
ME: thats enough
HER: okayyyyyy
HER: but i will still think of osmething
ME: okay up to you :*
HER is now Away.
ME: dont make it such a hassle to get it
HER: i have
ME: i know you hate being in a hassle
HER: 4 char in rift btw
HER: lol
HER: 3 belongs to my other friends
ME: okay
HER: yes glad u know

Again, I buy her the things she likes because of the reason I stated on my reply to Unconditional and Vicks4721. She might get sad or depressed if I don't get the things that she likes, or even worse, she might ask for these things from another guy which is what I'm concerned about.

With the trust issues, I'm really afraid on if I should talk to her about it or not. On my mind, she might think that "OMG this guy has so many problems and trust issues. I'm not happy with this relationship and I wanna end it". That's what I'm scared about because I already talked to her about the guys who are flirting her, what she does with her friends (by the way, in her group of friends there are guys too, including the 2 sleepovers I mentioned. They sometimes play some "adult" games too which I'm really worried about. Especially when she goes out to drink, I keep thinking that someone might take advantage of her when she's drunk)

It's hard to say without knowing all the details. My man and I are both in a gaming community as well and people get flirty with me sometimes - there is nothing to worry about since we both know we are committed to each other and it's always nice to know that people think you are attractive in one way or another. Do these people know she is in a relationship? And if they don't, which is absolutely fine, she does not have to share your private life with your gaming community, does she tell them when they get too close for comfort?
There has been times where people were being really nice and generous to me and I was too naive I guess, because I never thought they were actually trying to hit on me, so when they told me that they were into me or that they wanted to date me, I always made sure to let them know that I have a boyfriend and that I am not interested - that's kinda what I mean.

When it comes to the responding, life is unpredictable AND one minute to wait for a message is not a reason for concern. If she was responding really fast and then didn't respond for half an hour, but responded right where you left of, I would be more concerned. Imagine this, she responds to you, her parents walk into her room and ask her a question about school/work/anything really, it would be really rude of her not to respond or ignore them, so of course she is going to take that one minute, two minutes, even five minutes if it is important. If that is something that bothers you, let her know that you'd like to know when something like that happens.
I asked my man to always type brb if something like that is happening, which literally doesn't even take a full second and it gives me the peace of mind - yet, again, one minute between responses is not really a reason to worry.

Now, when it comes to buying her things, I'm divided on this one. I point out things to my man, friends and family that I like, because I do hope someone buys it for me for my birthday/christmas/any occasion, but on a day to day basis, I only point things out I either really need or are reasonably priced. Of course I want my man to buy me some stuff if I really want it, but this is a decision you have to make for yourself - do you want to keep spending money on her? Is it OK for you that she can't or doesn't do that for you? Do you worry about it? If not, then go ahead, spend away!
I have loads of friends who will randomly buy me games on steam that they see on my wishlist, because they have much more money than I do and they like to spend it on me sometimes. They know I can't do the same for them, but they don't expect me to, which makes it easier on my conscience.

What details do you want? Just ask and I can tell you.

Yes, they do know that she already has a boyfriend, she's the one that told them.
I guess you're right with the late respond thing. She says brb to me too when she's gonna go out for a long time or talking to someone on the phone, I wanted to know who she's talking to but I think that would be too clingy. Because these phone calls can take 30 minutes to 1 hour.

I can afford the stuff that she wants, the thing that I'm wondering about is if its already too much. It is okay for me to spend money on her, and because if I don't, its because of the reason above, she might get sad or depressed because she didn't get the stuff that she likes or she might get it from someone else. I'm also worried about if she should do the same thing for me, but I know that she can't because she tells me that she doesn't have any money to spend.


I just realized something right now. If she always goes out drinking, shopping and the sleepover in a hotel I mentioned, then she has the money. I don't know, it came up on my mind just now.

[p_b82]

I was always taught by my folks "I want never gets" and I still stick by that now.

I don't want to come across as rude either here, but man the fuck up! "she will get depressed if I don't buy her some in-game gems"

You may well be in a perfectly healthy relationship, but it sounds to me like you are trying to always please her, and I am not sure that you are getting what you need from the relationship, based on all the points you raised in your first post.

I help to support my GF willingly, I even buy her gifts as surprises - but I don't feel any resentment from doing it, you seem to give the impression you are now starting to feel that way....

If you think she will love you less, or your relationship will suffer if you don't continue to spoil her when she 'expects' you to, then this is not a relationship to stay in longer term, if you stop spoiling her and she then behaves differently then that proves it...

[differentcountries]

[QUOTE=m3sh;380899
I just realized something right now. If she always goes out drinking, shopping and the sleepover in a hotel I mentioned, then she has the money. I don't know, it came up on my mind just now.[/QUOTE]
Bingo. She is choosing to spend her money this way. If she felt she would be depressed from not getting acess to games, she would rather buy games before anything else. But she does't even consider it, because she has based her economy on you buying things for her, and the way you decribe it you feel obliged to buy those things just because she craves them.

[m3sh]

I was always taught by my folks "I want never gets" and I still stick by that now.

I don't want to come across as rude either here, but man the fuck up! "she will get depressed if I don't buy her some in-game gems"

You may well be in a perfectly healthy relationship, but it sounds to me like you are trying to always please her, and I am not sure that you are getting what you need from the relationship, based on all the points you raised in your first post.

I help to support my GF willingly, I even buy her gifts as surprises - but I don't feel any resentment from doing it, you seem to give the impression you are now starting to feel that way....

If you think she will love you less, or your relationship will suffer if you don't continue to spoil her when she 'expects' you to, then this is not a relationship to stay in longer term, if you stop spoiling her and she then behaves differently then that proves it...

Bingo. She is choosing to spend her money this way. If she felt she would be depressed from not getting acess to games, she would rather buy games before anything else. But she does't even consider it, because she has based her economy on you buying things for her, and the way you decribe it you feel obliged to buy those things just because she craves them.

Okay, after I read both of your replies, I'm deciding not to buy her a lot of stuff anymore. I'll still buy her stuff, but not that much anymore. I'll see what happens after that. Thanks.

[Honour]

I was always taught by my folks "I want never gets" and I still stick by that now.

I don't want to come across as rude either here, but man the fuck up! "she will get depressed if I don't buy her some in-game gems"

You may well be in a perfectly healthy relationship, but it sounds to me like you are trying to always please her, and I am not sure that you are getting what you need from the relationship, based on all the points you raised in your first post.

I help to support my GF willingly, I even buy her gifts as surprises - but I don't feel any resentment from doing it, you seem to give the impression you are now starting to feel that way....

If you think she will love you less, or your relationship will suffer if you don't continue to spoil her when she 'expects' you to, then this is not a relationship to stay in longer term, if you stop spoiling her and she then behaves differently then that proves it...

Agreed with you! ^^

Also: I still play the MMO I met my SO through, it's an online game in which we are both in the same guild. We do stuff together, we roleplay and such (Dungeons and Dragons, need I say much else?) and whilst I do help him out and such and never ask for anything in return, I refuse to allow him to become "overspoilt" as it sounds your girlfriend is. Honestly, SHE needs to grow up as well, not just you. It almost sounds like your love lives are based on the game you both play, just saying.

[snow]

What details do you want? Just ask and I can tell you.

Yes, they do know that she already has a boyfriend, she's the one that told them.
I guess you're right with the late respond thing. She says brb to me too when she's gonna go out for a long time or talking to someone on the phone, I wanted to know who she's talking to but I think that would be too clingy. Because these phone calls can take 30 minutes to 1 hour.

I can afford the stuff that she wants, the thing that I'm wondering about is if its already too much. It is okay for me to spend money on her, and because if I don't, its because of the reason above, she might get sad or depressed because she didn't get the stuff that she likes or she might get it from someone else. I'm also worried about if she should do the same thing for me, but I know that she can't because she tells me that she doesn't have any money to spend.


I just realized something right now. If she always goes out drinking, shopping and the sleepover in a hotel I mentioned, then she has the money. I don't know, it came up on my mind just now.

Asking whom she talked to is never wrong, unless you obsess about it. I never saw that as being too nosy or too clingy, especially when it doesn't happen every single day or every person I talk to, but only when it's out of the ordinary.

But when it comes to the buying things for her and that she gets sad or depressed if you don't, that seems like a very spoiled person to me. If you get depressed simply because someone does not have the money to spend it on you and you run to other people for it, then this is a bad situation. It is manipulative, because that could turn into - if you don't give me all the attention and love I need, I will find it from someone else, which could easily turn into cheating. I'm not saying this is what is happening, but it is a cheater's heart and you gotta be careful with that.

About having the money to spend it on drinking, shopping and sleepovers in hotels, this is a tough one, because I do go out with my man's sisters to go shopping or drinking, but I usually don't buy anything for myself and if we drink, I get one drink and that's it. So I do go out, but I don't spend money and the hotel thing seems like it was planned in advance, so she might have saved up for that. Money is a sensitive topic and maybe her friends know that she is tight on money and spend it on her when they go out. I don't know if she buys a million things when she goes out or not, but this is kinda how I can see that she does not have money, but likes to go out anyways.

[m3sh]

Asking whom she talked to is never wrong, unless you obsess about it. I never saw that as being too nosy or too clingy, especially when it doesn't happen every single day or every person I talk to, but only when it's out of the ordinary.

But when it comes to the buying things for her and that she gets sad or depressed if you don't, that seems like a very spoiled person to me. If you get depressed simply because someone does not have the money to spend it on you and you run to other people for it, then this is a bad situation. It is manipulative, because that could turn into - if you don't give me all the attention and love I need, I will find it from someone else, which could easily turn into cheating. I'm not saying this is what is happening, but it is a cheater's heart and you gotta be careful with that.

About having the money to spend it on drinking, shopping and sleepovers in hotels, this is a tough one, because I do go out with my man's sisters to go shopping or drinking, but I usually don't buy anything for myself and if we drink, I get one drink and that's it. So I do go out, but I don't spend money and the hotel thing seems like it was planned in advance, so she might have saved up for that. Money is a sensitive topic and maybe her friends know that she is tight on money and spend it on her when they go out. I don't know if she buys a million things when she goes out or not, but this is kinda how I can see that she does not have money, but likes to go out anyways.

I think you guys are getting it wrong, the "getting sad or depressed because I didn't get what she wanted" never happened. It's just what I think would happen if I don't buy the things that she likes.

And, this just happened now. I told her that I won't buy her the other thing that she likes but I'll still buy her the Rift gems. She said "what about you dont buy anything? ". I felt a little good with this until she said "I'll just get my friend to buy it for me, he's really nice sometimes. He bought me a 30$ something on another game back then", and that's the other thing that I'm afraid of.

[R&R]

I think you guys are getting it wrong, the "getting sad or depressed because I didn't get what she wanted" never happened. It's just what I think would happen if I don't buy the things that she likes.

And, this just happened now. I told her that I won't buy her the other thing that she likes but I'll still buy her the Rift gems. She said "what about you dont buy anything? ". I felt a little good with this until she said "I'll just get my friend to buy it for me, he's really nice sometimes. He bought me a 30$ something on another game back then", and that's the other thing that I'm afraid of.

So pretty much she uses people (friends, partners) to buy her things. That is not the type of person you would want for a friend, let alone be in a relationship with.

[Unconditional]

If you're afraid of someone else buying her things, and worse, the fact that she'll let someone buy her stuff... who would want to be with someone who uses other people? You may not be able to see what we are saying, but you should be cautious.

[m3sh]

yep, I am trying to be cautious.. Thanks for the replies.. I'll really think about what you guys said and will update what happens..