Language Barrier with Family

[MissingMyDutchLove]

Hello all! I have FINALLY made it to the Netherlands and have met his whole family! It's been great, except I worry that his family doesn't like me and would prefer for him to date a "nice Dutch girl" instead of this silly American who can't even speak Dutch! Most of his family does speak at least a little bit of English, but obviously their first language is Dutch, so most conversations are in their native tongue. It isn't an issue when I'm just with my SO. He speaks English just as well as I do! But I can't help but worry that this language barrier will cause me to never truly be accepted into his family. Has anyone experienced this or have any advice for this tough situation?

[Alle1770]

I've had the same issue, or well, with the language barrier - I never felt unwelcome to my SO's family, thankfully. Maybe you can just start learning a bit of Dutch? It's somewhat similar to English in many cases, so maybe you could learn some words/phrases/how to keep a basic conversation? You've got your SO right there, you can practise with him! Or download an app such as Duolingo or Babbel (not sure which one has Dutch) that can help a lot. It will take some time, but eventually you'll be able to talk to them In the meantime, maybe your SO can act as a translator?

[MissingMyDutchLove]

I should say that they don't make me feel unwelcome. In fact, they have been AMAZING and welcoming and speak English a lot of the time just because I'm in the room. I couldn't ask for better in-laws. I think a lot of it is in my head, but yet I can't help but wonder if they wish I was someone else. Maybe I'm just crazy, but I can completely understand if they wanted their son to date a nice Dutch girl instead of this American girl. I think a lot of this I'm fabricating... I just want them to like me.

As far as Dutch goes, I will be taking a class, but I don't start for a couple of weeks. I am trying to learn the language, but languages aren't really my thing. I REALLY REALLY suck at them. So we'll see how this goes...

[Alle1770]

Oh, my mistake! Yeah, I understand that can get into your head before you "settle down" in the family properly - I'm sure they adore you Starting a class is awesome, that'll help you tons I'm sure! Up until then maybe buy a Dutch-English dictionary and set a goal to learn like, 3 words a day or something? Doesn't have to be something to create a sentence, just random stuff that could help you out in daily life like apple, microwave, computer, milk or whatever It gets your mind into the mindset of learning which could give you a boost. Good luck!

[Nymeria]

I think it is difficult if the Family talks another language. It doesn't mean you're not accepted or they want "a nice dutch Girl".

I've seen it in my Family at Christmas.
My SO was with me, and he only speaks english. My whole Family speaks english very well, we have all worked or went to School in englishspeaking countries at some Point of our lives.
So, we were all together at xmas, and we talked english mostly - but as I said, mostly.
We did fall into german every now and again for a whole conversation and had to remind ourselves "oh, English".
Human beings like their Habits, and we will fall back into it at some Point.
If they don't feel comfortable talking english, or if it means alot of effort for them, it's clear they'll fall back to dutch.
It is exhausting in some way to talk a language you're not 100% comfortable with for a whole evening.

It has, however, nothing to do with liking/accepting you or not, I think. I'm more then sure they like you.

[Hollandia]

I did the Dutch Rosetta Stone for a year. I can't speak it but I know some words and can get by on my own in a supermarket and can say a few phrases to his family. They all speak English but obviously mostly Dutch. they respect I try and how hard it is for me. They love me and how happy I make their son. We joke around about our different cultures, it is not a problem at all. I can surprise them every once and a while by knowing the gist of what they say and responding to them. I relish our cultures and enjoy our diversity as do they. Ironically, we closed the distance in Belfast so we all have even more cultural avenues to explore. I also still have Babbel on my Smartphone to study when bored and out.

[snow]

Don't get into the habit of believing these thoughts are real, it hurts the other family members, especially when they give their best to be nice to you!

Here's two different approaches to not having a common language with your SO's family in my family:

My brother-in-law is Austrian and only speaks German and a little English and since my parents mostly speak Polish, he expressed that we would probably like it more if he spoke Polish, which is true, but we never asked him to learn Polish nor did we treat him any different because he doesn't. All we ever did was welcome him into our family. Now we are at this point, where he believes we would like a Polish husband for my sister rather than him, so he demands that we speak German around him so he can understand us, because we might be speaking bad about him in Polish. Just this attitude is making us all dislike him. No matter if he speaks Polish or not - that is disrespectful.

My man can only speak English and all of my siblings have at least learned English in school, my parents haven't. They have never met him in person, but the way he interacts with them and tries to talk to them is way more than they hoped for and they love him for it. When we skype, he will always make sure to let me translate what he is saying or asks what my family is saying and he trusts me enough to know what to translate and what is not important, because let's face it, I could translate non-stop, but it would be annoying to both him and my family. At the end of each call, he says something sweet to them that makes them swoon.

So having a common language is always great, but it is how you deal with not having one.

[MissingMyDutchLove]

Don't get into the habit of believing these thoughts are real, it hurts the other family members, especially when they give their best to be nice to you!

This is so true. Thank you so much for a reminder! I think I'm having a hard time dealing with the "being a foreigner" thing for the first time, so I'm forgetting how much effort everyone is putting into making me feel comfortable and at home in their country.

It was really hard for me when they spoke Dutch in the beginning. It's easy to let your mind wander and think that they're talking about you. I'm pretty confident now that they would NEVER do that...at least while I am in the room. I also am starting to get used to just sitting quietly until someone translates for me. It's hard not being in the conversation, but I hope that I can at least pick up some of what they say once I start to learn more Dutch.

[Dziubka]

I think a lot of people in international/inter-lingual relationship can relate.

My in-laws love me. There's no doubt about it and they've never showed me anything but love. And I still sometimes wonder if they would have secretely preferred someone from their country, a traditional wedding, us living close by, etc.
And I speak their language.
There's not much you can do, apart from accepting that they speak Dutch and they're most likely not talking about you. You can also bring it up to your SO and ask him to translate for you more often. When I'm with a group or with my family I sometimes forget if there's one person who doesn't understand. And I'm always kind of glad if they remind me so I can include them.

Maybe you can already try to start learning some Dutch on your own (get an app or a grammar book and just browse through it).

[differentcountries]

I visited my inlaws in the Turkish countryside last year. At that point, having dated SO 6 months and not knowing how serious he was about me, I had not done much more than dabble a little with Babbel. I knew almost no Turkish. I had never visited a Turkish family at home before. Him inviting me to see his folks was pretty spontanous. When I think about it now, I have no idea how I dared!

His family is dual language - they speak Arabic and Turkish. One of his brothers knew English. Sometimes, we spoke in German, as the younger ones learn that in school and I know it too. SO or the English -knowing brother would translate most of the time. Sometimes they would all just speak Turkish without translation and I just listened to the sounds. They all tried to teach me the proper, polite greetings, which are different during the day. They were very anchious for me to learn Turkish very fast! I had one incident where SO was asleep, his brother at work and my MIL tried to learn me how to learn how to wash up proper (Turkish style) - that was a bit uncomfortable. She was also complaining that I was "shy". I did warm up to everyone after Tyrkisk Airlines delivered my suitcase though... I was a bit overwealmed by it all. They were very nice to me though, and we used body language. Turkey made me smile and gesture a lot!

After the visit, I swore I would learn myself at least some basic Turkish. I bought books, got into the main courses at Babbel and have completed my first local beginner class in my town. I know the numbers, the alphabeth, a bit of grammar, some vocab... Now I am able to go shop in the market or shop by myself, and understand a lot in a Turkish conversation, not just because I know Turkish but also more of the culture. I have started to speak a little Turkish with SO, and sometimes use translate apps when I have a text convo with SO in Turkish. SO feels very seen by this, as I know more Turkish that several girls he knows that are married to Turks I hope to connect better with MIL next visit.

[Dwessie]

I got Lucky cause even though Tammi's in a bilingual province, the languages are French and English.
All I know is English.
Whenever someone starts breaking out the French I'm gonna flail around like an idiot though ><
Only some of her family seems to speak it more often but they all know English too so I'll survive though.
Can't imagine how hard some of you guys have it :o

[Honour]

Sometimes I wonder, when my SO uses American English, that he's speaking an entirely different language. He must think the same of me at times, with my "Queen's English," as he joked once! (No offence to anyone).

Anyways...

The best thing I can think of would be Rosetta Stone. It's a self-learning program, that covers most, if not all, most common languages in the world. I'd have a google of it, as well as other things along those lines.

[JaneEmily]

MissingMyDutchLove, it's okay to not understand what they're saying. I've been learning Dutch for nearly 9 months, I have several books (Dutch in 3 Months, Nederlands in Gang, Beter Lezen, two Dutch dictionaries - Prisma Engels - Nederlands and Essential Dutch Dictionary), I use a mixture of Duolingo (as I've said..it's the cheapest option to learn a language, or to get the basics down as it's completely free in the past and the Dutch course team even has a facebook group you can join to practice Dutch with other learners and natives, who also answer many questions about Dutch), Memrise and Lang-8, I have downloaded Dutch radio apps (Q-Music, Radio 538, Omroep Brabant, Efteling) to practice reading, writing, speaking and listening to Dutch and even now I still struggle to speak Dutch to even my fiancé (due to shyness) my in-laws if they're in the background of me and my fiance's skype call. 3/4 members of his family understand English, and his sister (probably the only family member that really acknowledges me when on Skype actually) actually speaks in English to me and says hi if she's around.

It's nothing to be ashamed for, you're attempting to learn the language eventually regardless, and I'm sure his parents are really proud of you for even wanting to try. But please don't be so hard on yourself, language learning isn't supposed to be something that you can grasp instantly. It's okay not to be fluent after you've even finished your course but you're trying and that is something that is really special in its own way. If you ever need help with Dutch resources or even someone to practice pronunciation, understanding Dutch with, just message me - I know how difficult it is to want to understand the in-laws in case they're speaking about me. I've felt the paranoia of it, but luckily for you - your in-laws seem to be really accepting and sweet. Even just thinking about learning a language is a great step and you should be super proud of yourself. Remember, it's okay to get frustrated with learning a language, it just shows you're trying your hardest

Have you ever tried asking your SO to just teach you a few basics? Such as how to say the following? Even just asking him to help you pronounce the phrases below, before your course, is a great way to get a feel for Dutch.

Hallo - Hello (formal)
Hi - Hoi, Dag (informal)
Goodbye - Tot ziens (formal)
Bye - Dag (formal) - although there are many other variations of saying bye, which you'll gradually learn
How are you? (or literally how goes it with you) - Hoe gaat het met u? (formal) but you can replace the u with jou (so it would look like hoe gaat het met jou) to be less formal.
I'm doing good / okay - Het gaat goed / oke
Pleased to meet you - Prettig met je (je is the unstressed form of you) kennis te maken
My name is / I am - Mijn naam is / Ik heet ... (The verb heet/heten is literally to be called) or Ik ben (ben is the first person singular of the verb to be *zijn*)
Where are you from? - Waar kom je vandaan?
I am from ... / Ik kom uit (for me this would end in Engeland, but for American you would say Amerika).

You're not alone in language barriers never be afraid to ask for help or for an explanation in language, and never be afraid to make mistakes in your target language it just makes you learn better! If you need anything, let me know! <3

Veel succes - Good luck!

[Hollandia]

In his part of Holland, near Rotterdam, they say Doei for Goodbye, it is pronounced "DO-EE" and rhymes with Huey. His parents, his friends, supermarket cashiers and waiters, everyone I hear is Doei and sometimes Doei-Doei, I think it is just "bye" or "bye-bye".

[abna1]

I also have a huge language barrier with some of my SOs family members. His siblings speak English, but most of his family don't speak a single word and I haven't been able to pick up much of their language yet either. I'm trying. Some of my SOs aunts just come up and talk to me as if I'm able to understand, so I just go along with it. Smiles and nods, oohs and ahhs They are so welcoming and lovely to me. I care about them a lot, even though we can't communicate at all.
I just always make sure to smile and be polite. I also try to copy what my SO does and greet each family member the way they are to be greeted. That means squatting down if they are older, saying the appropriate greetings etc. That's always been an ice-breaker, because it makes them laugh when I do it.

I wish you all the best with learning Dutch. We'll all get the hang of these languages sooner or later.
And I'm sure that your SOs family is so glad that he chose "that silly American girl" that makes him so happy