I did something not so good and now not liking the reality

[protocol77]

Hi


I live in Australia and last year in November I met a girl From Germany on a forum of a website she approached me and we ended up moving the chat to kik

since this day we have never missed a day talking to each other it now stands at 101 days as of today

During this time I have fallen madly in love with this girl and the plan is for her to come here for a month in June/July and then in December I will go there and spend Christmas and New Years eve with her


Everything has been going great she has been so supportive of helping me turn my life around with confidence and improving my health and other aspects

However as someone with low self esteem I am aware that this girl is way out of my league there is also the issue of never having talked on the phone or skype only through Kik or sometimes facebook

So I haven't even heard her voice before now this is something i would like but there is a few issues i won't go into on this post

the reason for posting this is I am freaking out a little and want to seek some advice before i say something and overreact and screw it up


Due to my self esteem whilst improving thanks to her is also low enough that I cannot fully believe she is interested in only just me and being so far apart this is hard to see

So on the website which we met on i did something stupid and quite frankly underhanded and partly ashamed of it

I created fake profile on the site and then contacted her to gauge what she would say I pretended to be a guy similar to myself and I casually asked her if she would like to meet up for lunch as I will be in Germany in the next week

now at first she said something which was both good and concerning instead of flat out pointing out she has a boyfriend she said it is perhaps too soon to meet so Okay maybe she thought as just meeting as a friend

so i upped the ante a little and asked if she was single as she seems like someone I (the fake profile guy) would possibly be interested in romantically

now she finally replied after a tense 24 hours and I got the email back I was hoping to be a certain way in stating No she is not single she has a boyfriend (meaning me)

however she said and this is direct copy and paste from the message

I´m single, yes.

I think we start slow and see what happen!

this i was stunned when i read this now this is a girl who we have talked about our future together and has said I am the only one for her


so as casually as I could when talking on kik i made up a story about a girl contacting me and saying that she asked me if i was single and i said no i have a girlfriend which is the truth mostly because I have been asked this by girls since we have been together and i have said that I am not single

so she comes back with two lies ones she doesn't know that I know are lies

Firstly she says that no guys have contacted her (which is false the fake profile has made contact 24 hours prior)

secondly she has said "There is no doubt you are my boyfriend"

thirdly she said when i pushed a little more and this is the biggest kick to the nuts lie

"I always say I have a Boyfriend"


so right now I am both confused and mad not just at her but at myself for stepping into territory i did not want to know about but my damn curiousity got the best of me

I am also upset at her for these lies and to me telling me one thing then telling this guy another even though it is a fake profile this is probably common with real guys who message that she is letting them know she is single and to me this is saying that she doesn't value the supposed relationship i thought we have

I am afraid if i call her out on this that this will ruin the relationship which would break my heart as i have never felt like this for any other girl before and to me she is perfect in every other way but this has me now thinking what else is she up to if she can just say this to a total stranger then what about someone she is in contact with in the physical sense


I am being possibly paranoid and irrational but also i think some of this has some validity remember this is a girl i am changing things in my life and as of this moment I am scraping together every cent i can going with things i normally enjoy to make sure i have enough money to visit her because she means more to me than these other things and i am far from a wealthy person so it is not easy

anyways anyone have any advice or similar experience please share it will ease my mind

[snow]

And this is why you never do things like these, because NOW you can't trust her. You're in a very difficult situation. Yes, you should have never played that nasty trick on your SO, because even though she said what she said to the fake profile, you can now never be sure why or if she even meant it.

Many guys ask me out online when they hear me talk on a server and I don't tell every single one that I am married or when we were dating, that I had a boyfriend, because it's none of their business, BUT on the other hand, I also did not say that I was single.

There is nothing much you can do. Imagine your girlfriend doing the same thing to you, how would you feel? Would you be able to simply forget and move on even though you possibly hurt her with your responses to a fake profile?
At this point, you have to ask yourself if you want to be with this girl after what she had said or not.

[Moon]

Well, you went and did something sneaky and underhanded, and you got burned. That's what happens. There must have been some underlying trust issues, or doubt that caused you to do this though, and those fears were realized, I'm sorry about that.

But listen, I'm not sure I'd be so OK considering someone my girlfriend, when I've never even spoken to them, have you never seen her in person, over cam? How do you have any idea she is who she says she is? That would be a huge red flag to me, to be honest. Anybody can type "You're my boyfriend and I love you" See? I just did it, and didn't mean a word of it. When you get no voice or video, it's so much easier to lie and manipulate, there no voice inflection or body language to give you away. I know you are in love with her, but you've just proven to yourself that something isn't right.

I think you should begin by insisting on a video chat. If she claims she doesn't have a cam, buy her one. If she still refuses, end it right then and there, she's lying to you. With today's technology, there is absolutely no reason to not have spoken and seen her, none.

Again, I'm sorry you're going through this. If she's telling you the truth about herself, she obviously doesn't feel the same way you do, regardless of what she says, but I have a feeling she's not being honest with you anyway. Good luck.

[merlinkitty]

Yeah. Delete the profile. Get rid of it. And don't ever do that again lol You need to start working on your insecurities because these will eat at your relationships the rest of your life. My own insecurity made me snoop my ex's cell phone much to my regret. I couldn't get the images and messages I saw out of my head. But take better care of yourself than I did with me. I accepted his lies. You don't have to accept hers.

The first thing I noticed before I even got to what you did is that you're both planning on spending tons of physical time together and you've never Skyped? Curiosity? Who's paying for these tickets? Catfishing is real. For your sense of security you need to back her into a corner on this. Catfishing was always in the back of my mind when I first started talking to my SO. No one could be that great. He'd sent me pictures, but it wasn't until I heard his voice and saw his face that this was finally put to rest.

Have you heard of reverse image searching? You can upload pictures either with a URL or the actual file and find related images online. I watch that show Catfish with my ex for about 30 seconds and it was a handy trick I picked up from it. https://images.google.com/ There's the link if you wanna try searching any pictures you may have of her. Take Moon's advice too on this. She's got some really great pointers. She needs to agree to your Skyping (regardless of any insecurities you may have) before you two can agree to meet.

[Honour]

I got catfished once. It hurt like you wouldn't believe. MAKE SURE YOU KNOW SHE IS WHO SHE IS BEFORE YOU EVEN CONSIDER THIS TRIP TO SEEING HER. Sounds to me like you've been catfished though. Red flag is bright red and El Toro is about to lose it!

I think what you did was dumb, and you have no one but yourself to blame for the feelings you're experiencing at the moment. You're in a tricky situation now, and only you can decide as to what you want to do. Whatever you do though, and this is my advice to you, never repeat what you did here again to ANYONE else. It's a low, despicably silly trick to pull on someone, no matter the intentions.

[differentcountries]

You are trying to con her, even pretending to be a better version of yourself, and then judge her for being 1 % tempted at keeping in contact with the tempting person - you. You are creating your own trap here. Delete your profile and stop with the lies and suspicion. You can never be sure about anything in life, exept that what starts in lies and deceit ends that way too, so stop lying today.

[protocol77]

Hi I have just read through your comments and I agree with most of what you guys are saying

And yes you are right I did something really bad this was down to my insecurities I realise this and of course I cannot take back what i have done I have no intention in using this fake profile anymore I would be afraid of what else i hear to be honest and what I am feeling now i did bring on myself I also know this

saying that it still doesn't take away from what she said to a complete stranger (even though fake) no less one that she hasn't had more than one or two messages back and forth with and has not seen a picture of to know if she is even attracted to that person on either a physical or mental level i kept the initial message very basic and vague revealing no personal details than a few basic ones i created like age and location

I gently prodded from talking on kik to see what she says about us and from what she says to me is the same committed type stuff that you would think if you were unaware of the rest that she is being genuine and has those same feelings

I also was not overly so but a bit more forceful in saying I think we should skype if you can't do that then make a short video saying hello to me by name and send that and to make sure it was well lit video (i of course wasn't this blunt i am treading careful at the moment)

unfortunately now because of my stupidity i know the other side of the coin so now i am very conflicted it hurts so bad because those feelings are still there

and yes i know we have not skyped or met in person and we do or at least i think we have plans to meet each other soon now i am doubting some of these things

the plan however was for her to visit me here first so at least this way I am not going to spend a lot of money on tickets to arrive on the other side of the world to someone different

so I have a few options on how to proceed I could straight up confront her but of course this would reveal what i have done and most likely end things either because of what i did or the fact I have caught her out

secondly I could just let it go and see when we plan to meet when she comes here if she actually does come or if some excuse comes up like not being able to get time off work which as she has said she gets 6 weeks off per year and she gets to choose how to spread them out over the year

thirdly I maybe should just pull back a bit from being the usual mushy in love type of self with the compliments and kind words and just be a little distant and see what happens here


there are probably other alternatives that i have not thought of yet

Once again I am well aware that what i did was not right and i feel guilty for it but if I spent another 6 months or a year talking and connecting with her and then find out something like this or worse especially if i have paid for tickets and plan to fly over there this is just going to make things infinitely worse

fortunately the plan is for her to pay and come see me first so if this doesn't happen then i know the unfortunate part is this wouldn't be till June/July so do i spend the next 4 or 5 months continuing to talk in the hopes I am just being paranoid???


I know people have said just break it off but this could quite possibly be a missed opportunity that i would regret for the rest of my life when i first told family and friends they were apprehensive and cautious and saying about the distance but my thinking was distance is only an issue if you make it that part hasn't been a top concern for me
and as i said to them at that time it could be something i would regret if i didn't try sure i could get my heart broken but if i didn't try then i would always have that "What If?"

to answer some of the other questions yes the first thing i did is a reverse image search I have seen the show catfish and none of the 20 or so pictures she has sent me have returned any results they do not seem to exist anywhere else she has even sent me photos that contain her family in them like her sister, her brother, her niece and her parents

I am not that unsure she isn't the person in the pictures it is more of the point of Am I the only one she is talking to like this if she is willing to say she is single to a complete stranger how do i know she has said she is the girlfriend of some other guy and when we started talking I was not this other guy she made it seem like she was single

she has mentioned her previous boyfriend physically assaulted her which is something that seriously this sort of thing makes my blood boil and made me feel sorry for her but now you have to wonder if this was even true?


so yeah a complicated situation partly my own doing i know this but not completely on me

I think for now I am just going to keep insisting she gives me some sort of video evidence either skype or a video directed at me I have done this several times for her and we have the same phone so i know this can be done by simply uploading to Facebook Messenger I have sent at least 4 different videos of myself saying all sorts of things i sent her one for new years and christmas wishing her good ones


If she can't or won't do this then i guess i will have my answer if she feels the same for me as i do for her as she claims then this is a small ask

[merlinkitty]

Don't dwell too much on the past. What's done is done and it's time to move forward. I wouldn't "hint" too much if you don't want her to suspect what you've done. I'm always kind of a glass half full kind of person and the positive I've seen come out of this is that now you can step off the cloud nine in love stuff and be a little more aware. Use this to your advantage.

I never pressed my SO even though I wanted to see him, first to be sure he was real, and second to see his face and hear his voice but I also wasn't planning a visit at the time either. Use this as a chance to practice asserting yourself and your self esteem. It is easier behind the mask of written words. Use this to your to your advantage. Type something out saying you want to see her face. And hit send! it's not an unreasonable request. Always remember that. You're not being unreasonable to want to see her I think you're being smart!

[Miasmata]

Yeah, Merlinkitty got it right. You deserve to know what you're dealing with and you deserve to see that she's for real. I understand that you're insecure, but don't give up, this is the smart way to go about it. What you did with the profile was not okay, but what's done is done - See if you can move forward now and verify that she's for real. Getting too invested in this relationship is pointless if you can't be sure she's being genuine with you. Either she agrees to the Skype call and proves that she's committed to you now, or you leave. Be sceptical, either way, the red flags are definitely there.

[differentcountries]

Skype her. There is no reason in the world not to.

[Redheart14]

Yeah, Merlinkitty got it right. You deserve to know what you're dealing with and you deserve to see that she's for real. I understand that you're insecure, but don't give up, this is the smart way to go about it. What you did with the profile was not okay, but what's done is done - See if you can move forward now and verify that she's for real. Getting too invested in this relationship is pointless if you can't be sure she's being genuine with you. Either she agrees to the Skype call and proves that she's committed to you now, or you leave. Be sceptical, either way, the red flags are definitely there.

^this!!

[p_b82]

Just going to re-echo what has been said to you already. Do not ever play that sort of games with yourself or any-one ever again. whether over distance or close; it will always end up in tears - yours!

Personally there are a lot of red flags in this situation, and I would suggest you skype/facetime/ video call with her at closest opportunity.

Personally I would also come clean to her about the lies you just spun her, and pay the price and learn the lesson from doing it. You set her up to fail, and she 'started to' and now she deserves to know the sort of insecure person that you are. It may well cost you the relationship and the chance of happiness, and if that is the case you will learn this life lesson the hard way. You'll not ever likely make the same mistake, or be tempted to, and learn about yourself in the process. But I would say that because I am brutally honest with every-one in my life - I do not lie, and worst I will bend the truth; I hate lies (and dislike serial liars) they are exhausting, and they breed mistrust and insecurities that I can live without....

[R&R]

I guess I'm feeling a little differently than everyone else on this. I agree that what the OP did was wrong 100% and that, yes, he learned his lesson the hard way.

I disagree with is the giving her another chance or trying to find if she says who she says she is. I don't agree that he set her up to only fail - he set he up to fail or shine and she failed. She could have just as easily told this fake persona that she had a boyfriend and she wasn't interested and she didn't. If she is doing this to a fake profile, how many others is she saying this to? She has proven her true colors and to me, there would be no reason to even go forward with the relationship.

[Miasmata]

Talking to her doesn't necessarily mean it should move forward. I think the OP should stand up to her and talk to her to get closure at the very least. I wouldn't want to pursue a relationship now, but seeing whether she's at least genuine somewhere down the line, and if it's just for the closure, will be good. The OP deserves to reclaim that part of his confidence.