He's Perfect for Me... But I Can't Have Him

[p_b82]

I still think you are way overthinking this!

If you want to go see him again and see if this is the real deal, tell him that, and arrange a time to go see him - given that his work has taken priority that would be the 'sensible' thing to do.
You can then chose to either contact him a lot or not, in the run up to the visit - My guess would be just before it happened you two would talk more about the actual purpose of it, so you are not walking into things blindfolded... I did that with my ex, the first visit was kept purely innocent, as friends, to see if there was a spark. The second visit was to see if we both wanted this as much as the other - in person rather than via the interwebs. My third visit was to offer her comfort in a difficult time - I managed to wangle work to pay for my flights on that trip, but had to drive 6.5hrs through the storms for thanksgiving (PA- upstate NY). In the end, 2 months later it was over, and I had a broken heart, and significant financial loss to boot (on top of the plane tickets).

My point is that, if you keep distant, the relationship will die, as would any friendship. If you want to see if there more to it than a holiday romance, ask him if he wants to see the same as you, and if yes work out between you how to then make it happen. If he doesn't want to try, because of lots of factors personal to him and his life, then you know, and you can move on with your life. anything else just leaves you in limbo, and you do not seem to be the sort of person that can handle not having 'a plan'

[SouthernGirl_BigWorld]

Thank you! I am one of the most methodical people I know! Total Virgo/ENFJ shit. I like to have a handle on things I'm working toward; this is what has helped me be so successful in my career, but the romance stuff just doesn't work that way. I feel like I'm beating my head against the wall trying to make myself understand that. Things have to "just happen." Unfortunately, it's easiest to let things "just happen" when I don't give a shit one way or the other. God help me that I can find a way to reconcile the two one day. To just enjoy the moment with someone I know I don't want to lose.

Anyway, I will take your advice, because I think you are right. The relationship will die, just like any friendship would. So I will try to contact him as much as I would any other friend. If I'm honest with myself about what HE NEEDS (rather than my selfish desires to see him soon) I really think D needs at least six months to work through the personal issues he and I recently discussed. He told me a lot of things that were very personal. He definitely does need space. But he also has a very demanding work life. There's just a lot stacked up against our possibility right now. I'm going to try my best to give it six months before I suggest a visit. That's my "plan." But ironically, having a "plan" is exactly what will help me let go and relax, knowing things aren't happening all willy nilly. I'm so neurotic, I know! But thankfully this is as bad as it gets with me. I'm lucky to have other redeeming qualities, lol.

[differentcountries]

I am a very methodical person too and it does help me in my romantic relationships! I would never go on like maybe we can be friends or whatever, I am more like, I adore you, these are the rules, are you game to play? And I find that guys even more than girls wants to be understood, reading people's minds can be a very powerful thing. I often tell him he does not know shit about himself, only I know him. I know it is true because he tells me so too. He is scared to look into himself but he is comfortable with me doing it, he feels loved by it.

BTW, the Paulo Coelho book is called "Eleven minutes".

[SouthernGirl_BigWorld]

That is really sweet. I can tell what you have is so deep!

I will look up this book. So lovely of you to recommend it!

Men DO want to be understood. That's something I keep clinging to. D was making such a big deal about how special it was that I understood him totally, better than his mother and childhood friends. I'm hoping that feeling will stay with him. That he'll come back for more. Only time will tell!

[differentcountries]

Being understood is wonderfully scary. Even if you feel safe, it is a big leap of faith into the unknown. I know SO used to think love is very scary, he was overwealmed by everything for the first year or so. For some reason, he still managed to stay with me.

I have experienced before a guy telling me I had a way with him that only his mother has. I was inside his head talking, and what not. I was in love with him for years and I think he probably still loves me. But he was a workaholic with his own business and issues with closeness. Sometimes things don't work out and you just have to cut your losses.

I hope whichever way it goes with this relationship that you take care of yourself and stay practical. If you consider waiting for him to work through his issues /business things, set a timeline and use the waiting time to do nice things for yourself. Best of luck to you

[SouthernGirl_BigWorld]

Being understood is wonderfully scary. Even if you feel safe, it is a big leap of faith into the unknown. I know SO used to think love is very scary, he was overwealmed by everything for the first year or so. For some reason, he still managed to stay with me.

I have experienced before a guy telling me I had a way with him that only his mother has. I was inside his head talking, and what not. I was in love with him for years and I think he probably still loves me. But he was a workaholic with his own business and issues with closeness. Sometimes things don't work out and you just have to cut your losses.

I hope whichever way it goes with this relationship that you take care of yourself and stay practical. If you consider waiting for him to work through his issues /business things, set a timeline and use the waiting time to do nice things for yourself. Best of luck to you

Thank you, differentcountries. It's been difficult, but I've come to a conclusion about this. I tried too hard to keep us connected, and to keep him interested. He has different priorities, and eventually he was treating me as his psychotherapist rather than his lover. It was selfish of him and he admitted it and felt bad about it, but he still loved having someone there who understood him. And for whatever combination of reasons (his mental state, his work life, his lack of financial resources, his newly overblown ego, his high numbers of dating options in his area, and my unattractive overzealousness), he was not prepared to give me what I wanted/needed. I just regret that I put the decision more in his hands than my own. I guess I should have walked away earlier, when I realized that, even due exclusively to the distance, he couldn't give me the relationship I wanted. I blindly believed that our connection would be strong enough to sustain. And I gave to him generously and selflessly, showing empathy and nurturing while expecting nothing in return. I did this from a very pure place in my heart, but he had really not earned that generosity. He was giving me nothing that I truly needed (my main thing I wanted was a promise that he would make efforts to see me again). That's not his priority. His priority is himself and, ultimately, finding a girl like me or better than me in his own country. I wish he could have looked back on me as someone stronger, but I let my feelings for him weaken my boundaries and my resolve. I've learned a lot of lessons here. Maybe he's not talking to me because he realizes we both need the silence to move on. Or maybe he feels ashamed for taking advantage of so much of my kindness and generosity without offering me the love I need. Either way, it makes no sense for us to have any kind of relationship at the moment. Maybe far in the future, a friendship, but I'm not fighting for it. If I try to sustain a friendship, it's unfair to my own journey to find a man who can love me. It smacks of "waiting" on him, and he doesn't deserve that, considering he's not holding out any of his heart for me. His heart is not in it, and it's time for me to move on. I cannot kick him and make him realize that what we had was so special. It's just over. I'm 29 and I cannot be wasting time any longer on men who don't want to move forward with me. I will miss everything D and I had together, but a part of me kind of wishes we had left it entirely behind in Italy. I wish we hadn't sullied it by all the weird push and pull that happened once I returned to the U.S. Maybe he would remember me more fondly and ideally, as I would him. Right now I'm a bit angry at him, but that helps me move on. I'm going to try to focus on the good memories we had, and how vivid and beautiful and pure and full of emotion and love and sensuality. A powerful, intoxicating concoction of our masculine and feminine that made those days in Florence and Milan some of the brightest of my life. I will never forget him, but I want to remember the him that he was back then, before I ever left. I'm happy that you guys have better luck in your LDRs. It takes a commitment from two people, and you are very lucky when you find someone who loves you that much. It's a blessing and I know you will treasure it. Lots of love to everyone.

[Miasmata]

You are showing a lot of insight and honesty there. You're obviously a smart and openminded person, and you shouldn't be ashamed of how things went. You gave it an honest shot, you learnt a lot about yourself and what you want, and I think all of those things aren't a waste of time. As long as you feel like this experience was ultimately for the better, you got nothing to regret. Cherish it and move forward. I wish you the very best for your future and your romantic endeavours!

[p_b82]

I think what you have summed up there is the very reason that in a lot of cases it is not easy to remain friends after a relationship.

I actually today told my ex that we are 'done' for now, and removed her from my FB and G+/google circles, she has my email address and if she wants to stay connected she can. It turns out that she is angry about how I feel about her now, in light of how she treated me, and I am getting slowly more bitter about her inability to step up to the plate and offer me the friendship and support I offered her so willingly for over 3.5 years.

Would I turn back the clock and take the attempt back - no I wouldn't - I would do things differently though; because I have learnt and grown as a person by experiencing the incredible emotions I felt when things were great, and the ability for me to ower my boundaries and walls, and be open and honest with people more easily - And learnt to listen to my gut and speak out sooner when things don't seem to be going to plan... But in light of that as the saying goes - when one door closes another opens, and something has come up that I am quite excited about exploring - even given that I am not yet ready to commit to anything serious just yet.

I hope that you are able to continue to look forward, and stop holding every man you date up to this 'ideal' you have in your head, it will be a very lonely place to be, if you can't love for the now, and are only loving for the past - I know this from experience of a friend, who is never able to find a man good enough for her.....

All the best with your endeavours and love life

[SouthernGirl_BigWorld]

I think what you have summed up there is the very reason that in a lot of cases it is not easy to remain friends after a relationship.

I actually today told my ex that we are 'done' for now, and removed her from my FB and G+/google circles, she has my email address and if she wants to stay connected she can. It turns out that she is angry about how I feel about her now, in light of how she treated me, and I am getting slowly more bitter about her inability to step up to the plate and offer me the friendship and support I offered her so willingly for over 3.5 years.

Would I turn back the clock and take the attempt back - no I wouldn't - I would do things differently though; because I have learnt and grown as a person by experiencing the incredible emotions I felt when things were great, and the ability for me to ower my boundaries and walls, and be open and honest with people more easily - And learnt to listen to my gut and speak out sooner when things don't seem to be going to plan... But in light of that as the saying goes - when one door closes another opens, and something has come up that I am quite excited about exploring - even given that I am not yet ready to commit to anything serious just yet.

I hope that you are able to continue to look forward, and stop holding every man you date up to this 'ideal' you have in your head, it will be a very lonely place to be, if you can't love for the now, and are only loving for the past - I know this from experience of a friend, who is never able to find a man good enough for her.....

All the best with your endeavours and love life

p_b82,

I want to thank you so much for your thoughtful response. I can tell you are a deep and loyal man, one who is commitment-minded and willing to be open with his emotions, and it really touches me how you seem to have experienced some of the struggles that I feel are more common to the female experience, because you have been acting out of selflessness. You don't seem to have gone through this relationship with tunnel vision about what you want, but you considered her and her happiness equally. I am excited that there are men out there like you.

As hard as it is, it's best to cut things off and legitimately "move on" after the breakup of a life-altering relationship. If you never truly move on, then you never find someone new. It's important to find someone new in a renewed state of mind. Even if that person ends up reappearing after five years, they will be someone new to you, as you will be a new person, and the relationship will have to start from square one. Not a likely scenario, but it's essential to put one's self and healing first.

I like what you say about listening to your gut. I feel like I have incredibly strong intuition, and I do feel things in my gut; the problem is, I don't always know how to handle or react to them. More often, I stuff down my feelings so I doing overreact or get overly emotional. I try to cultivate calm instead. One thing I've been doing a lot of these last two weeks is reading dating-help literature and journaling my thoughts. The next time I get wrapped up in a new man, I'm going to take a step back, spend fewer hours of each day talking to him, and spend more hours reading the notes and affirmations I've recorded for myself during this trying time. When you're in the thick cloud of confusion, rejection, heartbreak, etc., you cannot see through it. I may have to defer back to my journals from these days as I try to attain clarity in the future. Probably one of my biggest problems, and the reason I did not trust my instincts in this situation with D, was because of the PERSON he was. He was more important to me (even if I had to wait on him) than having the relationship I wanted, and I acknowledged that outwardly. This was incredibly unusual for me, but I knew there was something special between us. In the end, it didn't matter. Me internally "deciding" on him was probably half of what pushed him away. I guess sometimes the only way you can truly get what you want is to be willing to walk away from it. Truly.

I want to address one more thing that you said, but I want to assure you I do so out of appreciation for your words of encouragement. I understand the concerns about my "ideal," and these will continue to be my concerns. The problem is actually quite converse for me. I have dated a lot in my 20s, and I've learned an awful lot about what I want. The last guy I dated seriously treated me wonderfully, though I was not attracted to him. I was really at a place in my life where I was no longer seeking an "ideal," and was willing to consider settling. I can't count the times I'd tried on guys for size, "given them a shot," or whatever. There are dozens of them whom I went on 3–5 dates with, only to come to grips with what I understood from the first meeting: It wasn't right. I have not been looking for someone perfect; I've been trying to find someone good enough. Meeting D changed everything for me. Despite the fact that he was not able to give me the relationship I wanted, I will never undermine the list of qualities of his personality that made us so compatible, and all the ways that we connected on this deep cellular level that suddenly made everything in my life make sense. I had this feeling of, "there is nothing I would change about this person, even his flaws." I had this sensation of wanting nothing more than what he embodied—zilch. And I had this overwhelming sense of peace and "knowing" that THIS is what people hold out for. This is what people wait for. THIS is why none of my other dating or relationships worked, because I needed something that CLICKED like this. It's not that I was out looking for an ideal, but now, D has shown me the ideal. I certainly hope other men can match up to that.

The most important thing, for me, moving forward is to gauge potential love matches based on the ways D and I connected instantaneously, and deeply. I will not put effort into a guy that I don't feel the instant friendship, can-talk-about-everything, smiling, happy, CLICK I felt with D, even before we ventured into romantic territory. And at the same time, I will have a sense of wisdom and knowing about that "click." I will be willing to give it time to grow, knowing that at the very least I have a special friendship and baseline attraction, and it could be more. That's what D taught me. That's the road map I will follow in the future. I have no desire to rush anything or go through the dating dance if I know I can just spend unpretentious, expectation-free hours and days connecting with a person, then letting romance develop naturally if it may. D may not be the guy for me, but he gave me the barometer against which every other guy should be vetted. Most importantly I am open to meeting anyone who can show me this joy and connection. And I'm not afraid. At least I now know that it's out there...somewhere...

[Ella85]

The thing is with LDRS is that if they are going to work out. One of you has to be willing to close the distance. If that isn't going to happen then it won't work. At least in this scenario you can take something which was, it was a beautiful connection. I'm sorry I don't have much to add but didn't want to read and run. This is what my initial thought was on your post and I hope you can take something from this.

[SouthernGirl_BigWorld]

The thing is with LDRS is that if they are going to work out. One of you has to be willing to close the distance. If that isn't going to happen then it won't work. At least in this scenario you can take something which was, it was a beautiful connection. I'm sorry I don't have much to add but didn't want to read and run. This is what my initial thought was on your post and I hope you can take something from this.

Thank you! I will take a lot away from this. It was a very deep growing experience. And I'm glad to learn about LDRs and to meet kind folks like you!

[Ella85]

You're quite welcome. You seem like a strong person, I'm sure something amazing is waiting for you in the near future.

[p_b82]

The thing is with LDRS is that if they are going to work out. One of you has to be willing to close the distance. If that isn't going to happen then it won't work. At least in this scenario you can take something which was, it was a beautiful connection. I'm sorry I don't have much to add but didn't want to read and run. This is what my initial thought was on your post and I hope you can take something from this.

I don't actually agree with that statement I have to say, in many LDR's that is the case, but not all, for some people and LDR is the perfect relationship for them, and it is often this idea of the 'perfect' relationship that actually can cause things to go wrong.

I say this as I actually think the attempt for me to close the distance and be willing to move and the rate that we wanted to achieve it, actually broke the relationship apart - what we had before we discussed all that was actually better, and worked well for us both.

[Unicorn26]

I would take a few visits a year with someone who truly loves me and understands me, over living full time with someone who took me for granted.

For some, LDR is perfect. I know I get emotional support from my SO and vice versa. I miss having that closeness sometimes, but I do enjoy having space and time to myself.

[SouthernGirl_BigWorld]

I don't actually agree with that statement I have to say, in many LDR's that is the case, but not all, for some people and LDR is the perfect relationship for them, and it is often this idea of the 'perfect' relationship that actually can cause things to go wrong.

I say this as I actually think the attempt for me to close the distance and be willing to move and the rate that we wanted to achieve it, actually broke the relationship apart - what we had before we discussed all that was actually better, and worked well for us both.

Interesting thought. Do you think this is symptomatic of long-distance relationships in general or more because she was not emotionally ready to embark on a real, in-your-face, super-serious relationship? The idea of you moving could have made it so very real for her, and that could have scared her. I don't know your situation, but maybe she will come to her senses... Is she young?