Plans falling apart - so hopeless

[differentcountries]

He has a lot on his plate, still the way he deals with it all says something about him. Take good care of yourself. It sounds wise to take a step back.

[farandaway]

I've kept my distance but we are sending a few notes. He is so miserable and I'm not sure if this is the right time for me to be distant and worry about how I feel. His dad is doing very very bad and him mom is not taking it well. I fear that this timing will hurt our relationship in the long run when I'm not there when he most needs me. He said he will stay until the end (of Dad's life). I can accept that. I can't ask him to go anywhere right now. It would be so wrong to ask. I do feel more calm now myself. I told him that I hurt and I feel like an outsider. But I feel terrible for him and he might still not understand what I'm saying. I've seen that before. So I worry now what he is thinking of me and if he thinks I'm mean when I leave him alone when it's so hard for him.

[p_b82]

I understand where you are coming from, my ex's dad was very poorly and died when things were at their worst for us both.

My comforting thought for you is this, if you can make it through this particular phase, you can make it through anything.

There is never a wrong time to think about your feelings and how they affect you, especially if they are having major negative effects on you at the time. The difficulty of course is dealing with the 'guilt' and feelings along those lines if you realise you are more important, and you have to walk away.

Think things through some more, try not to dwell on the negative aspects of what this all means for the future, and just focus on the now, as you can't plan anything in the future due to there now being no definite end date for all this. If you realise that knowing that fact you can't just hang around waiting, then it is time to move on, bad timing or not. You have to look after yourself and your own wellbeing after all.

[farandaway]

Thank you, p_b82.
I can't walk away and I don't want to. He is the love of my life. I'm keeping low profile but letting him know I'm here. He can concentrate on his parents better and I can live my life here. Our time will come and I'm looking forward to that. I hope this phase will make us stronger and not hurt us being apart.

[dinajchick]

I agree that he should be divorced before you start to make any plans to be together. And it seems you are dissatisfied with the one-sidedness of the relationship. You can talk to him about it, but you probably have many times. I would give him space and let him work these things out himself. You don't want a one-sided relationship. I will pray for you. God bless.

[farandaway]

Do you think it's my business to ask him when he will start divorce process or should I just trust him that he will do it when the time is right?

[differentcountries]

Do you think it's my business to ask him when he will start divorce process or should I just trust him that he will do it when the time is right?

It is your businiss what he does with his life. In your case, him settling the estate with his ex and being able to marry you legally has practical conseqenses for your plans of relocation and maybe having a baby. There is never a right time to start a divorce, no matter how long you wait it is going to be unsettling, uncomfortable and be super boring. But you do it for a reason. That reason should be you.

[p_b82]

I don't have experience myself of divorce, either in the immediate family, or within my own relationships, but personally, I think you deserve at least to have a rough guideline of when things will likely start. You'll never know when it will end until it does, as I do know from my ex and my aunt that theirs went on for years due to changing circumstances.

The reason I say I think you have the right to know when things will start, as currently your relationship/life plans are on hold until this is resolved legally, and if he decided he is not going to do anything until 2016, you know you are looking at another year or two of limbo - and have to decide whether you can wait that long if that is the case. Honestly I don't know what I would do if I were in your position, because I would not have got involved with a married person, so can't really mentally put myself in your shoes.... either way, I don't envy you it - as pushing this could have consequences attached as well

[differentcountries]

I personally was married two-three years while dating and eventually living together with my now husband. But I got officially separated after about three months after the split from my ex and settled the etate after just five or six months seperation( it was messy but I wanted to buy my ex out of the flat soon to afford keeping it. Even so I had to take in lodgers for two years). My now husband never pushed me in the divorce process but he did propose to me, and I knew I had to complete the divorce if that marriage could ever happen. Things should move forward at a reasonable pace. It is not unreasonable to expect him to prepare seperation papers.

[R&R]

Do you think it's my business to ask him when he will start divorce process or should I just trust him that he will do it when the time is right?

When I met a previous SO, he told me he was still married but he told me that the marriage was over. They lived in the same house still as they had 2 teenagers and didn't want to disrupt their lives with a divorce and him moving out. I told him that was his choice to make but I refused to date anyone in that situation. If he wanted to be with me, he had to start the divorce process and move out. If he wanted to continue his life as it was until his kids graduated high school, that was fine but I refused to be in a relationship with him. 3 weeks later, he was in his own place and divorce proceedings has started. I honestly think in his situation, he just needed the final push/incentive to get him to do what he really wanted to do.

I understand your SO has a tough situation, but if you are part of that life then you have every right to know what's going on. Divorce is never easy and there is never "a good time". However, if someone truly wants it done, it can be done. (I had one done start to ink on the final papers in two weeks. We had nothing to contest, no kids and no mutual property to divide. We each left it with what we came into it.) I personally wouldn't take with all the excuses. Maybe I'm a bit cold about some things but I wouldn't let someone keep putting my future and happiness on hold over and over and over. I'd flat out tell him that he seems to want to do all of this on his own and if that's how he wants it that you will remove yourself from the equation. When everything is done, he can contact you but that's not a guarantee to him that you will still be available. I know you love him but I've read so many of your posts and you just seem so much more unhappy than you are happy and I personally think you deserve so much better.

[farandaway]

Yes it's true. I'm not happy. I said I can't take it and kept a distance for a week but then something really sad happened here and I reached out to him but he had no time for me. His father has been taken off medication and told he has only a few months to live. He wants to devote all his time to his parents and his business and the time difference takes care of the rest. I don't know what to do. I asked him if he wants to break up and he was really hurt. I'm willing to wait but I wish he'd show some interest in my life in the meanwhile. My kids wonder why we don't talk any more.

[differentcountries]

Of course he is hurt. In his head you are his wife and should be there for him. He doesn't seem to get that you have your own needs and that your patience is wearing thin. He is in that age where, very likely, his parents will need him "forever"...his dad got sick, his dad will soon die, his mum will need him even more after that etc. It is admirable that he takes care of his family, but you are his family too and I am afraid if he doesn't find time for you now there might never be time.

[R&R]

Of course he is hurt. In his head you are his wife and should be there for him. He doesn't seem to get that you have your own needs and that your patience is wearing thin. He is in that age where, very likely, his parents will need him "forever"...his dad got sick, his dad will soon die, his mum will need him even more after that etc. It is admirable that he takes care of his family, but you are his family too and I am afraid if he doesn't find time for you now there might never be time.

That's it right there. In a relationship, you are each there to support each other. Sometimes you have rough times at different times and it's easier for one to be the strong one. When you are both having a rough time at the same time, then you each have to step back from your own issues a little bit so you can be strong for the other person at the same time. I hate to say it, but he's showing over and over that he is just a taker. It's good that he is there for family but he needs to be able to make time for you too.

Words are words. I don't care how many "I love you" or "I need you", etc have been thrown out there. Actions say it all and his actions aren't saying that.

[Ella85]

Honestly I'd back off and let him deal with his dad who is dying right now. It's really hard losing someone you care about. Be there for him, but don't push. As for the divorce, he should have started it already. He is quite clearly procrastinating. I'd been physically separated from my ex for 3 years before I decided it was time to divorce. I didn't get in another relationship purposely before my divorce was finalised but when I got with my boyfriend I had already decided it was time to file. It did take 5 months to file it but it's done with now.
Even if his dad is dying he should be prioritising you a little more, he isn't dealing with this very well at all. He isn't going to be there 24/7 and he should be making a little time for you, even if it's just to message back and forward.

I'm sorry I can't offer any better advice than this, but I would just leave him to it for a little and when you get the chance have a proper talk with him about what he is making you feel. It's not fair what he is doing to you, regardless of what he is going though. He isn't dealing with it well and that is understandable as his dad is dying, but at the same time he can't just shove his relationship with you to the side.

[Kapwned]

Does he have any family that can help out as well? He is not going about this in a very healthy manner. And it certainly isn't fair to you. Granted, you may just need to practice some patience but he can't just completely set stuff aside because of this. He needs to talk to a professional, his mother will need one as well, and they will both eventually need help.

If he'd just get the divorce over with then you'd be in the clear to fly over there and help out too if you were able to.