Out of sight, out of mind

[GriffinPatterson]

I feel like the worst boyfriend... I have been with her for 10 months (she's in Thailand, I'm in America) and I am just one *%#^up after another... We have an 11 hour time difference, but still manage to talk for about 1.5 hours a day and chat throughout work. We try to have an hour video date once or twice a week (with many being in my car during my lunch break). But despite all my efforts, I can't seem to remember the important things...

I have forgotten our anniversary every month that we have been apart. The times we are together it's really easy to remember. But for some reason. When I'm not in direct contact with her, I just don't feel like I'm in a relationship. In my mind, I'm not single. But unless I see her or talk to her, it just feels like I'm a regular guy that can do regular things.

I've been in enough relationships to know that this is not me. I love anniversaries. I love being cute and taking care of her. But I'm just so shit recently. She means the whole world to me and she knows that I want to marry the hell out of her. But, I just can't seem to bring myself to be proactive in this relationship. I have become so complacent with this hell that is LDR. I just want it to be over.

What does everyone else do to make sure that they put the effort required into proving their love to their partner? I need something... I need to regain her trust.

[GriffinPatterson]

Also, since we are talking about my problems... She visited in November/December (between my jobs) which was the best thing ever and totally helped us establish how amazingly serious this relationship is. Then I visited her in Thailand for a week about four months into my new job. The problem is that I used half my vacation days to see her and she doesn't get any until September (when her work probation ends). Even if she were to visit me then, I wouldn't be able to take days off since I'm saving my last days for when im going to see her over Christmas/nye.

How does everyone manage visits when's vacation days are more precious than diamonds? To be honest, I'm not going to make it to christmas at this rate. I'm going to break down and find a job in Thailand that pays 1/3rd of what I make here solely because I can't stand to deal with being away from her... Student loans be damned. I need this.

[Miasmata]

You already noticed you are complacent. That's the first step. Now, can you ask yourself why? Is your life stressful? Are you overthinking things? Could you be depressed and therefor not have energy?

With everything you say, it does sound like you are really obsessing over the negatives and not thinking of the positives. LDRs are rough, absolutely, but if you only see them as doom and gloom, the relationship as a whole is not going to work out. You talk about packing up everything and leave because you can't deal, which is a terrible idea and will ruin your career and future possibilities for you alone and you both as a couple (it needs to be said).

Take a breather and a step back and ask yourself: What do you actually enjoy about this relationship? What means of coping with the distance do you have? It doesn't sound like you are taking good care of yourself, frankly. Taking care of yourself is incredibly important, not just for yourself, but also the relationship and your career.

[Ella85]

I have an anxiety and stress disorder and I do what you are doing except 10x worse. You are overthinking things and getting yourself worked up. As my boyfriend tells me 'what can you do about it right now?' Spend time with your girlfriend and get through until you can spend time together. Maybe you can talk about closing the distance and think about plans for the future if this is what you want to do as a couple. My boyfriend and I have made plans to 'discuss' seriously about what we are going to do long term. But we are going to do it when we are together in the summer. I told him short term I want to come at xmas and he has said he wants to visit me too.
This helps me, especially as my anxiety disorder is bad at the moment due to other stresses (court etc from my previous relationship has been dragging out for a long time even after the divorce).
It's really important to communicate things with her and if the anniversary stuff is upsetting you, set a reminder and do something about it. I am in lucky in my job where I can take school holidays out. But not everyone has that luxury (my pay is terrible though). You just work with what you have.
All the best.

[GriffinPatterson]

Yeah. I am definitely struggling with a lot of things. I have a very strong feeling that my life is on pause right now. I'm only working the job I have now because of the overwhelming student debts (that I have been assured will be paid off eventually but get $3500 in interest a year).

I am very unsure about my professional future because I haven't found any jobs that make me truly happy. The only thing I know for sure is that she makes me happy and money is unimportant so long as I can go home everyday to someone I care about.

Right now, my debts are controlling me. She is more worried about them than I am, but they are a problem. however, at the end of the day, they are just excuses. The problem is my forgetfulness. I forget to chat with her when I'm out with friends. I forget to post cute pictures of us online. I just forget a lot of things... Maybe I should make a list of things that she would like and set up Google reminders to do them every week or so. At least I'm good at checking my email.

[Mims27]

If you have an Android, you should download Google KEEP! Set up little daily reminders for yourself. Eventually you'll think about it on your own and she will appreciate it I'm sure! Admitting that you are forgetfull about this stuff is a big step. Now you just have to make that little extra effort to change that. You seem to really want to, so that's good.

[GriffinPatterson]

I have a thing where I believe that spending 30 minutes a day to do something nice for your SO is the #1 way to stay happy, but with LDR, it's more like 2 hours a day. That was super easy when I was out of school before work, but nowadays, when I only get 6 hours at home a day and I talk with her for half an hour and chat with her the rest of the night, it's hard to get enough free time to really sink my teeth into something cute.

Also, I really really really love making things for her, but it's difficlt with the pain of shipping boxes of stuff...

I have made a 6 day schedule to do something cute for her. I hope I can keep to it every six days and be more personal. It's not that I'm busy, it's just that I'm a little lazy. Gosh, im such a mess hahaha.

[snow]

Trust me, even 5 minutes go a long way. Knowing the person you love thinks about you is wonderful, even if it's only to remind you of it for 5 minutes.

Now, let's talk facts. You have a student loan that you have to pay off eventually, moving to be with her is not going to change this fact, HOWEVER, moving to her will affect the length of these payments. Are you going to make enough money in Thailand to support yourself and your SO AND pay off student loans? Could you maybe (together) save up for a visa to bring her to your country where you make a lot more money than you would there? Are you 100% sure you will get a job in her country?

Don't throw away a good paying job for an uncertain future. I don't like thinking about negative things, but you will have to face the big what if: What if you two break up? Will you still be happy living in Thailand on your own?

[GriffinPatterson]

Well for one, my student loan is a temporary problem as I have been assured that it can and will be covered in the future.

Additionally, I am a 27 year old adventurous idiot that lived in the UK for 4 years and loved it. I don't for see me having any difficulty living anywhere so long as I have someone to share it with. Also, being an engineer, the option of moving jobs is very easy, especially with experience.

Lastly, my position allows me to work anywhere. A national speaker of English is always in high demand in Asia, visa or not. Her being a foreign english speaker in politics makes her finding a job in America very difficult. I might only be making half as much as I do here, but at least I'd be happy doing so. I refuse to let my loans dictate my life. Money is not the only important thing in life.

I just need to keep her until we can be together again.

[whatruckus]

Well for one, my student loan is a temporary problem as I have been assured that it can and will be covered in the future.

Additionally, I am a 27 year old adventurous idiot that lived in the UK for 4 years and loved it. I don't for see me having any difficulty living anywhere so long as I have someone to share it with. Also, being an engineer, the option of moving jobs is very easy, especially with experience.

Lastly, my position allows me to work anywhere. A national speaker of English is always in high demand in Asia, visa or not. Her being a foreign english speaker in politics makes her finding a job in America very difficult. I might only be making half as much as I do here, but at least I'd be happy doing so. I refuse to let my loans dictate my life. Money is not the only important thing in life.

I just need to keep her until we can be together again.

Honestly, you're not really thinking about the moving thing in the rational, logical, sense. Which seems to be a problem with past posters asking/trying to get advice for the same subject, who have also been in their relationships for less than year. Yes, Love is all fine and dandy in a relationship, and we would all be extremely happy if this is all we needed to make a relationship work, but unfortunately, in the real world, this is not the case. You say Money is not the only important thing in life, but if you moved there, would you honestly be happy making A LOT less money? Would you both be able to live comfortably on both of your salaries, while trying to continue paying off your loans? What about planning visits to come home and see family and friends, would that be doable on the budget you'd have? It all seems everyone gets so caught up in the honeymoon phase that all they care about is closing the distance ASAP without thinking of the repercussions if something (not the relationship, per se) doesn't work out.

Also, snow brings up a point that we always ask posters of the same subject. I'm also finding that every time, no one has an answer to that question. Which, I noticed you didn't answer as well.

As for your other predicament, maybe it's just me, but I feel like trying to do monthly anniversaries is a little much. Especially since you are in an LDR. I think you're a little burnt out with trying to come up with ideas and cute things to do, since it's not easy to give her something since it needs to be shipped. I don't even really worry about anniversaries that much, even though I love them too, and I'd love to shower my SO with stuff. Financially, and creatively, it's not really possible. Why don't you wait, or save up for the big ones? Or, every 6 months. This way, it's even more special to her. If you want to show her your love every day, make cute videoclips and send them via Snapchat or Vine or something. Send her cute emails/texts. Leave her voice messages. Like snow said, 5 mins can mean the world.

[differentcountries]

Do you speak Thai?

[GriffinPatterson]

Man, there sure is a lot of balloon popping going on here. Excuse me for not wanting to conform to the capitalistic commercialized world here. If the question that you're referring to sin"would you be happy in Thailand if you were single?" How am I supposed to know that? I believe so, but I'm not there, so I couldn't tell you. I've been there and I really enjoyed it. I think the question that "everyone" should be asking is, "are you happy where you are now?" And the answer to that is no. I'm stuck in a small town with hillbillies and rednecks and nobody thinks it's normal to wear collared shirts.

I personally agree about monthly anniversaries, if I could take her out to dinner every month, I would. But I can't. I am certainly aiming to do something big for our one year and our 6 month was fortunately when she was here. Unfortunately, I didn't have a job yet, so we couldn't afford to do much.

In all honesty though people... You really need to stop worrying so much about money... "Work to live. Don't live to work" do you really enjoy your job so much that you would sacrifice the happiness of being with someone to "afford the future?" There are some people I have read about on here that have very tricky situations (sailing, airline hosting, sales) but for most people, if you skip out on the prime time of the youth of your relationship because you think "we can keep doing this indefinitely!" then you need to wake up and know that looking back, you will be sad you missed those times.

I could honestly live in a shack in the savannah desert with her and be happy because I have someone wonderful to share my time with. I will be debt free in a few years, whether I pay it off fast or not (inheritance). And when I'm debt free, I can take 1/3rd for life (Thailand is cheap), 1/3rd for travel (which will be the expensive part) and 1/3rd to invest. Will I be able to go home to America for the holidays? No. But my family hates seeing me anyways. But I will still be able to travel and have fun because at least in Thailand I get at least 4 weeks of vacation.

[GriffinPatterson]

Do you speak Thai?

That is a good question. I don't currently. I am in the process of learning it and am doing okay. I will do my best with self learning (with some help from the lady) until I move there then I will take a crash course.

[R&R]

I can guarantee there are a few of you waiting for my response for the student loan situation. Sometimes though, I think it's better to let people learn on their own and let reality set in..........

[GriffinPatterson]

Yes. We have all been waiting anxiously for your arrival.