Close to giving up with 2 months until moving together

[NadWil]

Hey guys,
I am really torn up at the moment and don't know what to do!
We have been in a LDR for 1.5 years now, seeing each other about every 2 months. He is coming to visit in 2 weeks and we have been planning to move together in 2 months. Our relationship began like a sweet love story, we were friends for several months before we got together and we felt like we were soulmates because we were so similar. We were both surprised and excited to have found our soulmate and got serious pretty fast (maybe in part because he was leaving my country 2 months into the relationship). But now it all changed… We had a huge, destructive fight for the past days, have been saying mean things to each other and shown a side the other person didn't know before. I feel like even if we decided to stay together, we couldn't love each other anymore because of how we treated each other these past few days.. He said "you were just hiding your faults from me for the past 2 years" and told me all the personality traits he doesn't like about me, so I am not even sure he loves me. I feel like he was just holding this image of his dream girl in his head and trying to project it on me and now he sees that I am not this image. I still love him, but there are also some things I don't wanna deal with anymore. He goes out to party a lot, and I'm fine with that, but I want him to text me throughout the night and tell me what he's up to and with who! I don't know, it just eases my worries or makes me feel closer to him even though I have no clue what he's doing! He says this is controlling, jealous behavior. But the past few weekends, he has kept a few things from me and came clean after feeling guilty or after me specifically asking! (nothing like cheating, just about what he was up to) So of course I will become a bit more suspicious and then if he doesn't reply to my texts or isn't online for hours, yeah of course I wonder what he's doing!

So we have been having all these issues and I am wondering whether this is intensified by the distance or whether we would be having these problems if we were living together too! If we would live together and he was out partying, I wouldn't want to hear from him every hour- as long as he comes back home to me, it's fine! But he is halfway across the world, so technology is all we have right now. I felt so hurt to just be ignored- like he only texts me when it's convenient. And I kinda feel like we wouldn't have had this fight if we were living together.

Now we are "on hold", already half-way broken up, but we are waiting to see how we feel when he comes to visit in 2 weeks.. It's just soo devastating that we were once so in love and thought we were soulmates and now all we see are our ugly, flawed personalities.. Is this just how relationships go? I really don't want to break up- I would fall apart.. But I don't know if we can go on after this

[snow]

As relationships go, there will be arguments and over time you will see flaws in your partner that you didn't notice before, but if that is all you can see, then that becomes a problem.

In a way, your SO is right: demanding texts throughout the night to let you know where he is and with whom is controlling and jealous behavior that shows that you don't trust him, because if you did, you wouldn't need texts to know what he is up to. On the other hand, your SO could also work with you and send you texts if he knows you worry too easily. It's hard to say if this was different when you closed the distance, because nothing really changes. If he went out alone to party, you would still not know whom he hung out with until he got back to talk to you at the end of the night / the next morning.
I think if your SO is hiding things from you, it makes sense why you feel suspicious, but this is something you need to work out. He needs to understand that him hiding things is making you worry and in reaction to that demand texts whenever he's out, so if he acted pro-actively and told you where he was going and with whom, you wouldn't have to worry, but he won't know unless you tell him.

I know that a lot of couples fight a lot before they close the distance, so it could also just be all the nerves and stress from that.

[JaneEmily]

I have to agree with Snow.

No relationship is flawless, no person is flawless. We all have flaws and issues buried deep within us and sometimes it takes a while for another person to see them. I don't think seeing flaws necessarily means you love a person less. I mean, my SO has flaws and so do I. The other day when I was panicking over something, he told me that there was no reason to have a hissyfit. Instead of going all hulk on him, I decided I would listen to him and calm down. I have a problem with panicking easily and worrying about people I care a lot, so I get the whole needing a text to make sure your SO is alright. Saying that, demanding to know what he is up to and who he is with during the night can be considered controlling behaviour. If you really want to know he is okay then just ask him, before he goes out, to give you a text at some point during his evening to let you know that he is safe. If you love him, you have to trust him. Just because he is partying and having fun with friends doesn't mean he's off with another person doing things he'd do with you. Maybe it's how he copes with the distance and winding down. You've only got two months left until you close the distance, you're so close. Just talk it out and let him know how you feel, but also let him know that you do trust him. You need to learn to compromise if you're ever going to close the distance and you need to be open to each other - in terms of communication and accepting that the way he winds down is by partying and he needs to accept that sometimes you need a little reassurance to make sure he is okay and to calm your worrying down.

[whatruckus]

I completely agree with the other 2 ladies. I've never demanded anything from my SO, even though I get jealous extremely easy, and have bad trust issues from my ex. He also knows that I'm a very big worrywart because I have bad anxiety issues as well. We've had problems before, where I wouldn't know where he is, if he went out, when he got home, IF he got home...etc. Don't get me wrong, he's not perfect, but after many discussions, he's finally texting me when he gets home, to let me know he got home safe. That's all I ever really ask of him when he goes out. Other than that, I'll tell him to have fun, and not worry about it. I've never flipped out on him, I mean I have, but I always come back and explain why I got upset. It took a lot to drill into his head that I'm 100 miles away, and if something happened to him, I wouldn't know. That's what I worried about. I never worried about him cheating, and I still don't.

If he tells me he went out, sometimes I'll casually ask who he went with, because there's certain places he's been to that I know he wouldn't go to alone. Like this past weekend, he went to some fundraiser event, and I was a little surprised because he wouldn't go to something like that on his own. So, I asked him who he went with. And, he told me. It was some of our friends. I didn't make a big deal out of it, and I told him to tell them all I missed them and that I said hi.

You need to learn to pick your battles. Not everything is worth fighting over.

Also, who really sits by their phone 24/7, especially when they're out? I know how my SO is when he goes out, and as annoying and frustrating it is, he's never by his phone. Ever. Very rarely. The only time I get mad at him is when I text him, and then I see him log into Facebook on his phone right after, and I get no response (but, this annoys everyone). Even me, when I go out, sometimes I don't even think to check my phone. There's been times my SO's messaged me on Facebook when I was out, and I didn't even know because I wasn't looking at my phone.

You can't ask your SO to update you where he is, what he's doing, and who he's with when he's out. Can you say "buzz kill"? This is controlling and jealous behavior. What are you so worried about? Honestly? The only thing you should really be worried about is if he got home safe. You don't need to know anything more than that, unless he feels like sharing. My mom does this to me, and all it does is piss me off. In fact, I went out Friday night, and she flipped out. I'm 26, going to be 27, next month. This was her, when I was on my way out the door, "WHY ARE YOU WEARING MAKE UP? WHERE ARE YOU GOING? WHO ARE YOU GOING WITH? NO DRINKING! YOU BETTER NOT COME HOME LATE!!!" Imagine that, every time you go out, you get these questions. Now imagine how your SO feels.

That is literally what my mom asked me. In that order. Then, she went to my dad and yelled at my dad to tell him to tell me not to come home late, and that I shouldn't be going out that late (it was 10:15PM). Then, she texted my brother to ask him where I was, who I was with, and where I went.

You know where I was? At 2 of my best friends' birthday get together at a bar, that I don't even like. I had one drink. One. Then I drank soda, and one of my bestfriends, and our other friend, went to a diner for dinner. We left the bar at 11:45. I was home by 1AM.

[TheSteelAngel]

You know where I was? At 2 of my best friends' birthday get together at a bar, that I don't even like. I had one drink. One. Then I drank soda, and one of my bestfriends, and our other friend, went to a diner for dinner. We left the bar at 11:45. I was home by 1AM.

Ooo you came home late and had a drink. Shame shame lol

But anyways OP what they are saying is exactly right. Making him text you throughout the night does sound very controlling. Let the man have his fun. If he's never cheated on you before there should be no need to worry. Just ask him if he got home safe, that's it.

[NadWil]

Thank you so much to everyone who replied!! I really appreciate your advice!

So I guess I AM controlling.. I never realized that, but I will back off then- I don't wanna be like a controlling mother! :P He just used to always text me when he was out, saying how he missed and loved me and stuff.. and in the past few weeks he wasn't being honest with me and also stopped texting me throughout the night! I guess it just escalated as my trust weakened..

Snow, thank you for the insight! I hope these fights are due in part to our closing the distance soon.
JaneEmily, you are right- partying with his friends IS what he says he needs to cope and unwind. I guess I need to accept that. It's hard for me because I am an introvert and need time to myself, that's my way of coping. So I can't relate to him always wanting to be around people..

[Petals]

Thank you so much to everyone who replied!! I really appreciate your advice!

So I guess I AM controlling.. I never realized that, but I will back off then- I don't wanna be like a controlling mother! :P He just used to always text me when he was out, saying how he missed and loved me and stuff.. and in the past few weeks he wasn't being honest with me and also stopped texting me throughout the night! I guess it just escalated as my trust weakened...

If his text lessened while he's out in the last few weeks, I can understand why you would begin to feel uncomfortable and clingy. The dynamic in every relationship is different and while some people text often while out, others don't so don't feel bad about that if he used to do that without any issues. When we were LD, I would always text hubby/send pics etc at various points and when I got home. He knew exactly where I was and what I was doing. He didn't demand this though, but that's just how our relationship was.

The issue might be that you didn't communicate your needs in a non confrontational manner. Is he moving to you? If this is the case, then he may just want some uninterrupted time with his friends since he won't be seeing them often soon. Just apologise to him about your behaviour and explain that you got clingy because the pattern of your communication changed. Tell him that you just need to know that he still loves and need you as much as before.

Forget about the things that were said...people say mean things when angry. It just sounds that you both need to work on how to argue fairly and express your needs in a non-confrontational manner.

[NadWil]

If his text lessened while he's out in the last few weeks, I can understand why you would begin to feel uncomfortable and clingy. The dynamic in every relationship is different and while some people text often while out, others don't so don't feel bad about that if he used to do that without any issues. When we were LD, I would always text hubby/send pics etc at various points and when I got home. He knew exactly where I was and what I was doing. He didn't demand this though, but that's just how our relationship was.

The issue might be that you didn't communicate your needs in a non confrontational manner. Is he moving to you? If this is the case, then he may just want some uninterrupted time with his friends since he won't be seeing them often soon. Just apologise to him about your behaviour and explain that you got clingy because the pattern of your communication changed. Tell him that you just need to know that he still loves and need you as much as before.

Forget about the things that were said...people say mean things when angry. It just sounds that you both need to work on how to argue fairly and express your needs in a non-confrontational manner.

Thank you for your advice! We skyped today and talked about a few issues and both apologized. I think we both don't really want to break up and we are going to wait until we see each other again to see how it goes. I also explained that I was just more suspicious and controlling because his behavior in the past weeks was different than usual. I am backing off now and giving him more space. We are taking it slow until he is visiting me in 3 weeks..

I will be moving to his country in 2 months, so he will be seeing his friends still, but he said partying is a distraction for him and he doesn't know what else to do if I'm not there. I am not a party person really, so it's hard for me to understand, but I will just try to not think about what he is doing.

Anyways, it would be stupid to break up after 1.5 years of LD and so close to closing the distance. We should give ourselves a real shot at living together to see if it will work in the long run!