Stupid Fool

[TotallyLost]

I met my soulmate online - we chatted for 2 years. When I say chatted I mean Yahoo Messenger and emails. Never even a phone call. And yet the weird thing is I was closer to this girl than anyone else in my life.

We had our arguments - we had some wonderful times. Chatting 4 hours a night. 50 emails a day.

Last contact was 4th july. Lovely email from her saying we would chat the following day. Then NOTHING. Not a peep since. Longest apart before was 4 days when we argued.

I don't know if she is alive or dead. I don't know if she just can't be bothered anymore or if something has happened. It is only now she has vanished that I realise how much she went out of her way to hide her identity. No surnames for anyone. No facebook page. I know that she is NOT from the town she said she was from. I know that her parents are NOT teachers at the school she said they were.

And yet she had incredibly detailed knowledge of the town. She was one of the smartest cleverest people I have ever spoken to.

I am in such a mess at the moment. I know I have been such a fool as there were so many warning signs. Having said that we had such a connection. I am sure she cared about me. I can't help wondering if maybe she cared but family life etc was getting in the way.

Maybe she had reasons for concealing her identity. Or am I just kidding myself?

I could cope if I found out she had problems - if she was maybe ill or disabled or something. What I can't handle is the fact she just never cared and was pretending all along.

We had so many plans. Talked about so many things. My life is empty without her. This disappearance is so out of character for her despite the lies.

It is all very well saying just forget about her but I feel the same as when a close relative has died. She knew I had a hting about losing people. She always said she would never leave me - that I was stuck with her. And in the past she ALWAYS came back.

Just not this time.

Let this be a lesson to anyone out there.

Do I keep digging trying to find out the truth? Maybe she has had a breakdown and is in an institution? Or maybe she is just a cold hearted *****.

In a right mess at the moment.

[sasad]

Oh my gosh. After 2 years? Ever speak on the phone at all you ever talk of meeting up? It seems so elaborate just to lead you on. I can only imagine the confusion and the pain you're feeling right now. I know you can trace back to location with emails if you have header information do you even have a picture of her?
I am so sorry and can't really grasp someone being so twisted....I hope that nothing bad has happened to her.
Keeping you in my thoughts.. Damn...

[Petals]

A few questions as I'm trying to wrap my head around a 47 year old spending so much time on a daily basis with someone yet not knowing much about them.

1. Did you make any efforts to talk to her on the phone/skype in those 2 yrs?
2 .What situation prevented you from arranging a meeting for 2 years if you she meant so much to you?
3. Do you have any idea of her age?

[differentcountries]

I am sorry to hear that.

It is not certain that she intentionally led you on. Maybe she is in a hospital. But what it certain that during two years of time, you were comfortable with this type of restricted contact and didn't request more. You made it very easy for her to slid out of your life, whatever way that happened.

I think the most likely explaination is that she has emotional problems. With you she could feel safe and she felt comforted by your contact but in the end she could not trust you with the truth about herself, whatever that is, so she cut herself loose. A lot of people start to panick once the reality sets in that they might share their life with that person, or they simply have secrets that are hard to share. I have one friend whose long distance lover broke up with her AS she was moving all her things to the appartment they were supposed to share. You might make yourself aware that this is a real challenge, and take some measures so that it does not happen to you again. You can not in the future afford to be so comfortable and trusty with someone you only know through one type of contact.

[TotallyLost]

I am sorry to hear that.

It is not certain that she intentionally led you on. Maybe she is in a hospital. But what it certain that during two years of time, you were comfortable with this type of restricted contact and didn't request more. You made it very easy for her to slid out of your life, whatever way that happened.

I think the most likely explaination is that she has emotional problems. With you she could feel safe and she felt comforted by your contact but in the end she could not trust you with the truth about herself, whatever that is, so she cut herself loose. A lot of people start to panick once the reality sets in that they might share their life with that person, or they simply have secrets that are hard to share. I have one friend whose long distance lover broke up with her AS she was moving all her things to the appartment they were supposed to share. You might make yourself aware that this is a real challenge, and take some measures so that it does not happen to you again. You can not in the future afford to be so comfortable and trusty with someone you only know through one type of contact.

Thank you for your kind words.

Oh I did request more. We talked about her coming over here to live - getting married - kids the whole lot!
She came up with various excuses - mainly her family not approving etc. I said I didn't mind waiting for her.

It is only now she has gone I have realised how little I actually knew about her.

I guessed she had problems - she told me as much in a veiled way. She always insisted she would never leave me no matter what.

The very last email from her said that the old lady she was very close to had fallen down stairs. She was going over to stay with her until the family came. She said not to worry she would chat to me the following day.

Maybe it is possible the old lady died and this tipped her over the edge? Who knows.

I have discovered though that she lied to me from the very start - certainly about her surname and her location.

She also gave me a phone number for emergency use only. I have phoned it several time but no joy - it is a Magic Jack VOIP phone so could be anything all I get is voicemail.

I KNOW she loved me dearly - that is what makes it worse.

It is the not knowing that is killing me.

[TotallyLost]

A few questions as I'm trying to wrap my head around a 47 year old spending so much time on a daily basis with someone yet not knowing much about them.

1. Did you make any efforts to talk to her on the phone/skype in those 2 yrs?
2 .What situation prevented you from arranging a meeting for 2 years if you she meant so much to you?
3. Do you have any idea of her age?

Well I thought I knew them - in many ways I knew her and she knew me better than anyone. We would say the same things at the same time. Anticipate so much. Really got inside each other's heads which I have never had before.

She told me she was in her late 20s - yes a huge age gap - but I never lied about my age at all. I told her she was too young but she said that was nonsense.

She was super intelligent and very old in her ways so could have been 50 for all I know.

I managed to download her avatar from her yahoo chat which she didn't know I could see - it certainly matched her description of herself. I used a program called imvisible to check on her when she disappeared before. It tells you if a person in online or just hiding. A few times when we argued she was showing as invisible. I check it all the time now and all it ever says is offline.

[Moon]

Well I thought I knew them - in many ways I knew her and she knew me better than anyone. We would say the same things at the same time. Anticipate so much. Really got inside each other's heads which I have never had before.

She told me she was in her late 20s - yes a huge age gap - but I never lied about my age at all. I told her she was too young but she said that was nonsense.

She was super intelligent and very old in her ways so could have been 50 for all I know.

I managed to download her avatar from her yahoo chat which she didn't know I could see - it certainly matched her description of herself. I used a program called imvisible to check on her when she disappeared before. It tells you if a person in online or just hiding. A few times when we argued she was showing as invisible. I check it all the time now and all it ever says is offline.

Every single thing you've written here is just so wrong! Try to imaging if a friend of yours was telling this story, how would you advise him?

First, after two whole years, all you knew was that she was in her "late twenties", huh? How was that ever ok to you, that she wouldn't tell you her age? That's beyond bizarre and suspicious. Also, spying on her yahoo chat is kiddie shit, if you seriously had to resort to that, that should have been a huge red flag to yourself that something is very wrong.

At your age (note that we're close in age here), there is no way why you should have gone two years without a visit, that's ridiculous, no excuse is worthy. How did you let her get away with that, and let her get away without video chat? These are absolute essentials in an LDR. You knew she lied to you, but let everything continue, why? You honestly should know better than that at this point. You did get one thing right, she was smart and clever, look how she strung you along for such a long time.

I don't mean to sound harsh, but you need a dose of reality here; she's not dead, not institutionalized, and didn't love you dearly. Unless she's got amazing, incredible health insurance, she'd have been kicked out of an institution by 28 days, at most. Most likely 72 hours. She could be in jail, I suppose?

She's disappeared for a month, she's lied to you about everything, I really think you need to look at this with an outside view and see this "relationship" for what it really was. I'm sorry you're going through this.

[differentcountries]

Thank you for your kind words.

Oh I did request more. We talked about her coming over here to live - getting married - kids the whole lot!
She came up with various excuses - mainly her family not approving etc. I said I didn't mind waiting for her.

It is only now she has gone I have realised how little I actually knew about her.

I guessed she had problems - she told me as much in a veiled way. She always insisted she would never leave me no matter what.

The very last email from her said that the old lady she was very close to had fallen down stairs. She was going over to stay with her until the family came. She said not to worry she would chat to me the following day.

Maybe it is possible the old lady died and this tipped her over the edge? Who knows.

I have discovered though that she lied to me from the very start - certainly about her surname and her location.

She also gave me a phone number for emergency use only. I have phoned it several time but no joy - it is a Magic Jack VOIP phone so could be anything all I get is voicemail.

I KNOW she loved me dearly - that is what makes it worse.

It is the not knowing that is killing me.

What you describe here is not realistic planning. You knew something was off. As long as her family is not holding her hostage, she should be able to let you hear her voice, seeing her face and realistically plan the first visit. Regular people don't have to assure each other tha they will not leave. The actions towards an actual future together speak for themselves. If they do nothing towards the future, the relatonship can not last or at least not envolve. This was true even before she dissapeared.

Of course it could be that an old lady she cared about got sick or died and this took its toll on her. But you see...this is also not how regular people behave when they experience a loss. They don't drop off the face of the earth.

I am sorry, but I think your "emergency phone numer" was just an easy way for her to assure that you could not reach her when you wanted to. Me and SO of course have each other's regular phone numbers. I also have contact into to his workplace, his friends, his family... I have an international medical card where he is listed as one of my three persons (the other two is my husband and my dad) to contact in case of an emergency.

I am not saying she did not love you. It is possible that you are the love of her life. That might actually be part of the problem! Because what is more scary than loving someone when you feel vounerable to begin with? I have myself been in love with a person who I know loved me - and probably still do - but he had major problems (even he said so) and his behaviour was affecting our relation so much that in the end a relationship was not possible. Part of this was he was making himself hard to reach on the phone. Another thing he did was leaving the country without telling he. He was gone for 8 months. When he came back, he was still in love with me and apologized for leaving but what he had done killed most of my romantic feelings for him. I knew by then that I could expect any sort of behaviour from him and that I could not deal with something that in my life so I left. I still get sad sometimes when I think about him, but I am also glad I got away. Despite being drawn to his charming impulsivity, in the end I realized I would not be full eating his crumbs. And I learned so much about myself and what I want and what I am not willing to tolerate, which was very useful when I met SO.

I would strongly advice you to pack this up as experience. Take what was good from the relationship and cherish that. Take her lies and abrupt ending and be angry about that. I know it is hard to compute that the same person who was so sweet to you also lied to you and adbandoned you, but people are complex creatures that do weird things to protec themselves sometimes. You are complex, too, why did you find this kind of relationship interesting? Are you drawn to mystery? Are you more comfortable engaging without your voice, body language and so on? Are kind and understanding words so special to you that you will do anything to have them continue, despite the red flags all around? What are the things you absolutely need in a relationship, what are things that you really wish to get and what is absolutely not ok? How to you plan to get your needs, wishes and relationship dealbreaker for you across to the other person without being clingy or overpatient when you discover that the person has problems (we all have problems)? These are questions you need to answer for yourself before thinking about dating again.

I know you want a closure, and it feels painful to not get one. I had no real closure - I know that if I met the guy he will still try to relate to me as if we were together - and I have dreamed of closures many times but they will not come. If you think of it like this; the non-closure is her way of saying: "Sorry, this was all I had to offer you. There is nothing more. I could not be truthful and I am ashamed of myself. I don't know if you would love me if you knew who I am, and I am hoping you will feel less hurt by not telling you the details of my lies. When I said I would not leave you I meant it but something inside me makes me leave like a cat in the night".

[TotallyLost]

Obviously I have been a complete fool. It is so easy with hindsight. When you are lonely and desperate for love it is very easy to be taken advantage of.
She was just so convincing. Never asked for money or anything like that. Apologising all the time for being so needy - but in the end it was me who became needy.
I have been hurt so many times before - it took me a long time to open up. She knew that I had lost way too many people in my life. Only have my brother left no other family.
For quite some time I knew there was something amiss - I was just too scared to confront her in case she vanished on me.
The grief is so real just hard for some people to understand.

[differentcountries]

Of course the grief is real. You talked to her for two years and confied in her. She gave you support. You had plans for the future.

Even in more regular relatonships it can be tough to confront or preassure your loved one in important matters. But that abilty to confront (not all the time, but at important pathways) and give out firm expectations are one of the hallmarks of relationships that make it. In a way, all of us are constantly putting ourselves and our relatonships on the line every time there a major life decition comes up. We love, and we expose ourselves as for who this relation matters. It can be very hard to do. My SO has also experienced the loss of family members, it takes a toll on a person. Please remember that we are all scared and that is why we have to be brave.

I wish for you to find company. Don't beat yourself up over what happened. Every experience is an uppertunity to grow. Making yourself aware of how much you need love and how vounerable that makes you might give you strenght to put forward some sound terms next time around.

[TotallyLost]

Of course the grief is real. You talked to her for two years and confied in her. She gave you support. You had plans for the future.

Even in more regular relatonships it can be tough to confront or preassure your loved one in important matters. But that abilty to confront (not all the time, but at important pathways) and give out firm expectations are one of the hallmarks of relationships that make it. In a way, all of us are constantly putting ourselves and our relatonships on the line every time there a major life decition comes up. We love, and we expose ourselves as for who this relation matters. It can be very hard to do. My SO has also experienced the loss of family members, it takes a toll on a person. Please remember that we are all scared and that is why we have to be brave.

I wish for you to find company. Don't beat yourself up over what happened. Every experience is an uppertunity to grow. Making yourself aware of how much you need love and how vounerable that makes you might give you strenght to put forward some sound terms next time around.

Thank you so much for your kind words - they do help a little.
I keep wondering where I went wrong - things had been a bit shaky for a while but then she seemed to be back to her usual self.
Stupid I know as she obviously never intended anything to come of it from the start but sometimes I still blame myself!
I won't put myself through all this again ever - much better off on my own. I was coping quite nicely until she came into my life. Well i wasnt but it wasnt as bad as this.

[Petals]

Stupid I know as she obviously never intended anything to come of it from the start but sometimes I still blame myself!
I won't put myself through all this again ever - much better off on my own. I was coping quite nicely until she came into my life. Well i wasnt but it wasnt as bad as this.

You need to figure out why you didn't do enough to make the 'relationship' concrete. The fatalistic statement about "I won't put myself though all this again..." coupled with your lack of initiative to make any progress in the 'relationship' suggest that you have a real fear of commitment. You feel you did enough but in reality you were simply stagnant... yet you feel so hurt that you "won't put yourself through all this again."

You were comfortable keeping her behind the screen and now that she has decided to move on with her life you are hurt. My point is - whether or not she was genuine has little to do with the outcome as it appears that you weren't committed either.

Sorry if I'm a bit harsh but at your age, you really need to figure out what you need from a relationship. Get yourself a new hobby- challenge yourself to live a fulfilling life. There's life beyond the computer...figure out what you really need to make you happy and be honest with yourself...

[differentcountries]

Thank you so much for your kind words - they do help a little.
I keep wondering where I went wrong - things had been a bit shaky for a while but then she seemed to be back to her usual self.
Stupid I know as she obviously never intended anything to come of it from the start but sometimes I still blame myself!
I won't put myself through all this again ever - much better off on my own. I was coping quite nicely until she came into my life. Well i wasnt but it wasnt as bad as this.

Everyone hurt in love says this. But you can take what was good about this relationship and move on to something better. Perhaps you can find someone who hurts a little less and can let you in a little more. Right now though, just lick your wounds. Take care of YOU.