Hey there,
I've got the urge to get this out.
I have always been aware of my struggle with feelings and emotions. To me, they are nothing more than unknown hieroglyphs. Consequently I never felt love - in a romantic way - and preferred LDRs : it's easier to hide the void, to pretend I can have feelings like anyone. In my previous LDR leaving my boyfriend at the station was almost a relief : I did not have to pretend to "feel things" anymore in order not to hurt him. Quite unhealthy, I know.
It worries me. But what worries me even more is what is happening to me tonight : it's the opposite.
Allow me to explain : my Swiss boyfriend and I just spent a week together in my brand new appartment in France. I just got it and wanted to get used to the town with him, it was our firt meeting since we've known each other. As usual I did not feel anything intense. He took the train back to his country a few hours ago aaaaand... I am a mess. The wet and depressed kind of mess.
At the very moment I put my foot in the entrance of my appartment, I burst into tears. In seconds I was already squeezing the towel he used this week, curled up in my bed with waterfalls flowing out of my eyes - so cliché -. The sight of every little thing he touched here is making me sick - those damn roses on the table, ugh -. Yet I did not feel anything strong while seeing him.
I'm starting medschool this Monday but I can't seem to put myself together and I hate myself for it. Damn I'm lonely.
I don't really know what I am expecting by sharing my complains. I just don't have any friendly ear available at the moment...
By the way, sorry for any sign of butchered grammar. I'm still learning.
I've got the urge to get this out.
I have always been aware of my struggle with feelings and emotions. To me, they are nothing more than unknown hieroglyphs. Consequently I never felt love - in a romantic way - and preferred LDRs : it's easier to hide the void, to pretend I can have feelings like anyone. In my previous LDR leaving my boyfriend at the station was almost a relief : I did not have to pretend to "feel things" anymore in order not to hurt him. Quite unhealthy, I know.
It worries me. But what worries me even more is what is happening to me tonight : it's the opposite.
Allow me to explain : my Swiss boyfriend and I just spent a week together in my brand new appartment in France. I just got it and wanted to get used to the town with him, it was our firt meeting since we've known each other. As usual I did not feel anything intense. He took the train back to his country a few hours ago aaaaand... I am a mess. The wet and depressed kind of mess.
At the very moment I put my foot in the entrance of my appartment, I burst into tears. In seconds I was already squeezing the towel he used this week, curled up in my bed with waterfalls flowing out of my eyes - so cliché -. The sight of every little thing he touched here is making me sick - those damn roses on the table, ugh -. Yet I did not feel anything strong while seeing him.
I'm starting medschool this Monday but I can't seem to put myself together and I hate myself for it. Damn I'm lonely.
I don't really know what I am expecting by sharing my complains. I just don't have any friendly ear available at the moment...
By the way, sorry for any sign of butchered grammar. I'm still learning.
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