Walking contradiction

[Gangrel]

Hey there,
I've got the urge to get this out.

I have always been aware of my struggle with feelings and emotions. To me, they are nothing more than unknown hieroglyphs. Consequently I never felt love - in a romantic way - and preferred LDRs : it's easier to hide the void, to pretend I can have feelings like anyone. In my previous LDR leaving my boyfriend at the station was almost a relief : I did not have to pretend to "feel things" anymore in order not to hurt him. Quite unhealthy, I know.

It worries me. But what worries me even more is what is happening to me tonight : it's the opposite.
Allow me to explain : my Swiss boyfriend and I just spent a week together in my brand new appartment in France. I just got it and wanted to get used to the town with him, it was our firt meeting since we've known each other. As usual I did not feel anything intense. He took the train back to his country a few hours ago aaaaand... I am a mess. The wet and depressed kind of mess.
At the very moment I put my foot in the entrance of my appartment, I burst into tears. In seconds I was already squeezing the towel he used this week, curled up in my bed with waterfalls flowing out of my eyes - so cliché -. The sight of every little thing he touched here is making me sick - those damn roses on the table, ugh -. Yet I did not feel anything strong while seeing him.
I'm starting medschool this Monday but I can't seem to put myself together and I hate myself for it. Damn I'm lonely.

I don't really know what I am expecting by sharing my complains. I just don't have any friendly ear available at the moment...

By the way, sorry for any sign of butchered grammar. I'm still learning.

[sasad]

It doesn't sound like you were really in love with your previous ldr.
You are only 18. How long have you all been together (Swiss so) ?
And you say you have been this way your whole life with emotions? Why is that? I am not asking to be rude, just not sure if there was trama in your past or do you just feel unworthy for some reason?
It sounds normal what you are feeling now... Embrace the feelings and express them to yourself and your bf.
Separation is painful. I slep in a pile of shirts that smell like my so and I.
Are you all planning another visit soon??
Best of luck to you both .

[differentcountries]

You are a bit hard on yourself. You used to fake love because... Why?? Some people just don't fall in love that easily . People are different. I am the opposite, I used to hide from people that I fell in love very soon because I have done that very easily ever since I was a small child. My SO didn't fall in love until he met me at 26. He quite simply says that his heart was closed and with me it opened.

As for visits, it really helps to know the next date. And when school starts it may keep you busy.

[MissingMyDutchLove]

Why are you concerned if this is a good thing? It may seem harsh, but here is my answer: have a good cry, wallow for a day, and then get out there and enjoy life. School is starting, so you will meet friends and explore the city and all of that. Do not let a LDR bring your whole life crashing down. Get out of bed, stop moping, and stop thinking about how lonely you are. Instead go out in the world. The only time I feel lonely being in a LDR is when I am in a mopey mood and stay in bed all day. It makes it way way worse, so do yourself a favor and go and hang out with someone. You don't need a SO to feel complete; you just need some human contact.