gettign married for a visa

[somewhereinbetween]

Hello!

So my boyfriend and I have been together for close to 2 years, doing long distance the entire time. We're an international couple, I'm located in the U.S and he's in the U.K. During this time we've had 2 visits in which he's come to see me both times, and in less then 2 months I will be traveling to visit him for 6 days. If you add up the amount of time for all 3 visits will have had a total of 16 days together in person.

We obviously, like everyone else, want to close the distance. I want nothing more then to have a normal relationship with him and to never have to miss him again. The difficult part is in order for us to close the distance will have to get married. I should be honest, it's difficult for ME, not for him as he's told me he's ready for marriage and all it entails.

Now, maybe it's just my take on marriage that is ruining things for me. I personally don't see the point in getting married. I don't like weddings and wouldn't have one because the dress, flowers, party, etc, seems like a waste of money. I don't even like jewelry so even the idea of an engagement ring doesn't thrill me. I've yet to determine if this view I have on marriage/weddings is because that's just how I am, or if it's a sign that I am just not ready for that part of adulthood so the very idea of it turns me off?

Either way. I feel like I will have to get married just to have a boyfriend, and truthfully that's all I want. I love my boyfriend, I care about him. When we are together in person it's GREAT. I'd love to live together, etc. But marriage? To be a wife? Maybe it's because we're missing out on the natural flow that a relationship in my mind should take. You date, you move in together, you get engaged, THEN you get married. For me it seems like it all being sped up. I'm going from NEVER having a boyfriend or relationship, to having one that's long distance and I barely see, to BAM, someone's wife.

I don't know why I'm coming here, I guess in hopes that someone can say they understand and can relate? I feel like closing the distance would get rid of a lot, if not all of the issues we have. But I can't help but feel like I am not ready for marriage, and that this isn't the right way to do it.

[R&R]

Not everyone is ready for marriage or even wants to get married. There's nothing wrong with that. However, both parties need to be on the same page with either both wanting it or both not. Otherwise, it's going to eventually cause some real issues.

I married my ex-husband after spending less than 14 days together in person. We were LD and I moved 3,000 miles (NH to CA) to be with him. I would have been happy to just live together first but he wouldn't live together without marriage, so we got married. As you can see, I said ex-husband. Though he is a wonderful man, it was too soon, too rushed and the move happened way too fast. Don't do something that you aren't ready for to make the other person happy.

[differentcountries]

You can get married without a dress and a ring, a party and flowers. All that is just the social side of things. What matters in terms of closing the distance is the legal bit: the binding contract, and the financial bit: usually the one not moving will have to prove they can support the other financially in order to close the distance. The party side is optional and something you can work out a compromise on.

Most people who use marriage to close the distance would have preffered to not get married at that exact point. They would have preffered, as you say, to get to know each other more in person first, perhaps living together. But if it is not an option, so they go for the option that they have. Spending only two weeks together in person is, on the other hand, very little, especially when split up into three visits. You get to know a person in a different way when you spend a little more time in person.

Is there any way you can get to spend more time together in person? Perhaps that would make it easier to in time make your decition.

[SailorRei]

Yea, we only want to be able to live together and be full- time couple, and if you can't get a job in each others countries, marriage is the only option
I can relate to that, I don't want to get married for visa- I'm not opposed to marriage as whole, just the idea of doing for visa, not because I think that "it's time".

There really is no advice here, except trying to look for job related visas... That's what me and my bf will try to do, since we don't want to get married right away

[sasad]

If it is not what you want to do, then don't do it. You will be setting yourselves of for regrets and failure.
Marriage is a big commitment. Do what you feel best in you heart.

[somewhereinbetween]

Is there any way you can get to spend more time together in person? Perhaps that would make it easier to in time make your decision.

All we could do is continue to have visits. However after this trip to the U.K in a couple of months I likely won't be able to go back, it's just too costly and took me two years just to save up enough to go this time. He could come to the states, but we'd only get a couple of weeks and it wouldn't be consecutive. And I honestly don't believe that so little time like that will make me feel ready to take the plunge into marriage.

[Ella85]

I wouldn't get married just for a visa. I would wait it out until it's right between you and just tough it up over the distance. If it doesn't feel right then it's not going to work. Thats my personal opinion.

[snow]

We knew the only plausible ways to close the distance was to get married or find a workplace that would hire me, but once he proposed, we knew it would be through marriage. We had spent several consecutive weeks together (3 months twice) and knew we both wanted to get married, so we did.
Yes, we would have liked to wait a little bit to get married, live together first and then get married, but it just made no sense. Trips from Europe to America are expensive and with his work, he only gets so many days off to visit, but at the same time, we knew we were ready to start a life together, to be married and be husband and wife.

I think if the idea of having a big wedding is turning you off, you can always elope, however, if the idea of being someone's wife is turning you off, then that's a whole nother story.

I personally believe marriage is for a lifetime, however, that is my personal opinion and I think if you two are willing to give it a shot for as long as it may last and that you'd be willing to go through divorce if you two didn't end up happy in your marriage, marrying for a visa is absolutely an option.

[lucybelle]

Are extended visits, student visas, etc not an option? How about moving to a third country?

If that's not going to work then I suggest continue being LD. I never really desired to be married but I wasn't against it. If you're truly not ready then don't get married. Maybe in a few more years another option will arise or you'll feel ready. Also, I think UK has a partner visa which could be an option?

[applescruff]

Well..I'm not going to really be of any help, but I'm in the same situation and can definitely relate. My boyfriend and I have been doing long distance for over 3 years now, with 3 visits during that time which add up to about a month spent in person. He is in Europe and I'm in U.S, and we're the same age as you. We both have been spending more time lately talking about the future and where things are going, how we plan to close the distance. We looked into the different types of visas but he thinks the only way we will be able to do it is by getting married. It definitely is the easiest way to do it, but I'm feeling very uncomfortable about the topic. I, like you, don't really see the big deal about getting married and having a big wedding. I think it has something to do with my own parents being divorced and neither of them remarried even though they are with someone. Just seeing so many marriages fail kind of turned me off the idea, but he says that not every couple gets divorced (which is true, at least he has hope in his corner since his parents are still married). He was understandably upset when I showed hesitation regarding marriage. I feel like the bad guy since it's kind of my fault we don't close the distance sooner, but I don't want to feel rushed into something that is such a big commitment.

[snow]

Well..I'm not going to really be of any help, but I'm in the same situation and can definitely relate. My boyfriend and I have been doing long distance for over 3 years now, with 3 visits during that time which add up to about a month spent in person. He is in Europe and I'm in U.S, and we're the same age as you. We both have been spending more time lately talking about the future and where things are going, how we plan to close the distance. We looked into the different types of visas but he thinks the only way we will be able to do it is by getting married. It definitely is the easiest way to do it, but I'm feeling very uncomfortable about the topic. I, like you, don't really see the big deal about getting married and having a big wedding. I think it has something to do with my own parents being divorced and neither of them remarried even though they are with someone. Just seeing so many marriages fail kind of turned me off the idea, but he says that not every couple gets divorced (which is true, at least he has hope in his corner since his parents are still married). He was understandably upset when I showed hesitation regarding marriage. I feel like the bad guy since it's kind of my fault we don't close the distance sooner, but I don't want to feel rushed into something that is such a big commitment.

Don't get married until you're ready to get married. Many people get divorced because at least one of the partners didn't feel ready and was rushed into a commitment they were not prepared for. Yes, it is an easy way to close the distance, but at the same time, you don't want to feel pressured into something this big and always feel resentful towards your SO for it.

[Kristina88]

I don`t think feeling like getting married is the only solution would solve all your issues. Especially if you`ve only been together in person two weeks..
Why not wait until you feel like yes, this is actually something you really want to do. You say that you don`t see the point of getting married, but if you wanna be together and that`s a way to be together, wouldn`t you then see a point of getting married?

However, we are in the same situation as you two. Almost two years. We are getting married in january, and hoping to close the distance in a year or 1,5 years.
But, we both want to get married. We both believe in marriage, as we are both christians. It feels right now. I wanted to wait, but now it just feels like a natural step to take in our relationship.

wish you the best of luck!

[Hollandia]

Getting married in UK or USA does not guarantee a visa anymore. In UK he has to make a certain amount of money to be allowed to bring you over, even when married. Same is true for USA, you have to prove you can support him. Make sure you meet the requirements before you take such a step. We could not do it in USA or NL and so we did indeed find a third EU country and live in Belfast. He still had to find work first but any job above minimum wage is fine.

If you get married it should be for one reason , you want to be married. Hollywood makes it sounds so romantic but marriage is hard. If you do it for wrong reasons you could resent him for doing it. One of you could end up divorced in a foreign country. If you are not ready don't do it because "you probably can't visit anymore", this does suck but it is not a reason to marry. If he can visit you then make them special times. Can you meet somewhere in the middle or can he pay for your trip? If he is considering marriage what is yours is his and vice versa. Maybe you will be ready in another year or less.

I was ready to marry a good year or so before my SO, but I had to just wait and decide if I was okay with that. If I had pushed him it would have been a disaster. A bit over 3 years was the number for him and since he did it on his time, he is thrilled to be married now. This is a "forever from now till one of you shall pass" type of decision. You don't take it lightly. I was married before, I never did so thinking I would divorce. Divorce is hell. Don't put yourself in that place.

[differentcountries]

first look into what is practically possible. then see how your emotions are about it.

The fiance (marry within 90 days and immigrating) visa to the US from UK page has a list of the financial things your boyfriend must provide as your supporter; big enough flat, sufficient income etc. I am not sure, if you are barely scraping together for a yearly visit, if there is enough money to go around to support you when you move, but have a look at these forms and you will see if this a realistic option for you guys https://london.usembassy.gov/iv/ivfaqs_affidavit.html