Communication trouble - need advice

[kal545]

Hi,

Me and my girlfriend have been together for a year and a half now, and honestly its great and we love each other a lot.
we met through an online game and we still play the game together and its a lot of fun. out of the year and a half we have met 5 times i visited her 4 out of those 5 times ( almost a month each time with the exception of christmas and new years where i spent almost 2 months visiting her )

The only constant issue I'm facing in the long distance is communication. we use a chat app to text and talk daily because at the start of the relationship she never liked to Skype so we settled for texting. The app has a "Read" notification that lets the other person know when i see the text. so we usually keep the app on when we sleep to get a feel that we are sleeping next to each other.
About 3 months ago we started skyping a lot, and we use it the same as the text app when we sleep we Skype and sleep with it on.

Now here is where the problem is:
I just started working, i work from 8 am till 4 pm and i come home exhausted so i take a nap or go eat lunch with my family as we live next to each other. My social life is packed and i have a big family. meaning i go out with my dad to formal visits, go out with friends almost every night.

We always text when I'm at work or at home and send pictures and share our day BUT she wants more than that. i suggested movie nights, game nights, or anything of the sorts but she doesn't have a fast laptop and doesn't want to pay for movies and our only option is game, and we play our game so much that i really don't feel like playing any other game and spending more time than i do watching a screen.

We had a fight recently regarding communication. she says she feels like a filler and that I'm only skyping in my free time (Driving to work, driving home from work, driving to friends or when its close to sleep time and we are both in bed) and she doesn't count the texts we share throughout the day as a part of it and says i need to make more time for her. and i feel like even if we did have a full day of nothing but Skype there wouldn't be much to talk about because we won't do anything since we can't really watch a movie or anything like that.

she gets upset when i don't text her that i went out, or when i don't text her that i arrived home.
if i get home and go spend time with my family or of something comes up and i don't tell her she gets upset too and accuses me of getting bored of her and not sharing as much as i did before.

After the most recent fight she said that she shares too much and because of that expects me to do the same and that she will control her expectations, but what really happened is she is pushing me away and barley talking at all, not caring even what i shared and not accepting to Skype at all.

i don't know if I'm being selfish or if I'm right to think she is being unreasonable. i know this might be harder on her than me because i have so much stuff that distract me but its not like i don't miss her. but feeling the need to constantly text her to inform her where I'm going and exactly when i get home or when i get to my friends is exhausting and is making it more like a job.

I apologize for the obviously poor grammar but bare with me lol

Thank you

[Honour]

Thing is, she's being way too clingy. I don't think you're being unreasonable, I think she is, and she is being selfish. You need to try and tell her this much, in the nicest way possible, because otherwise it'll continue to drive a wedge between you both.

[Sakuu4]

I don't think she is selfish, you are just having different ways of living right now. Maybe for her it's important that you tell her what you do not to control you, just to feel closer.
I would set a night (maybe once a week) when you don't go out and Skype her. It is possible that if she knows she will have that specific time to talk to you FOR SURE (not depending on your plans with family or friend, but let her be the priority that night) she will not get too upset if you are too busy/don't tell her what you are doing all the time.

[snow]

I don't think it's being selfish, I think it's not understanding the circumstances.
Of course we always want more communication, more time with each other, more, more, more, but it's not always possible and if you're life is this stressful now, it won't get better if you closed the distance, so she has to start looking into something to do while you're gone so she doesn't feel like she's wasting her time waiting on you. On your side, I think letting her know if something comes up and spending as much time as possible with her is basically all you can do. She will have to understand that you squeezing her into your schedule as much as possible is not her being a filler, but rather, you trying to find time to make her feel special even though you don't have as much time for it as she would want.

[Unicorn26]

I don't thinks she's being selfish or clingy. She loves you and she cares about you and she misses you. For her, this comes out as anxiety that's she's not important to you.

I can totally understand both sides as this is a very similar situation to my own. I am a single parent so I'm either at one of my two jobs of at home with the kids. I rarely get out that much because any free time I do have I like to spend with my kids so my SO knows my schedule and always knows where I am. My SO also works two jobs, but he has no kids and he has a busy social life, which is great and I'm happy for him, but it does make it difficult sometimes. I don't always know where he is or what he's up to. I like to know not because I'm clingy or needy, I just care about him and I love him to death. I like to know that he's got home safely etc. It's the same as always wanting to know where my kids are when they're not with me.

Don't be too hard on her, talk to her and come to an agreement about communication. It doesn't take a second to send a quick text to keep her informed. It will ease her mind and stop her worrying. Reassure her that you love her and try and make some extra time for her if that's possible. I have recently had to adjust my sleeping pattern for my SO otherwise due to 6hr time difference we would never get the chance to speak. Sacrifices have to be made to keep LDR successful, do you have to see your family every evening? Making a couple of nights a week date nights or Skype nights really do make a huge difference. And sometimes me and my SO barely talk during FaceTime sessions. Sometimes it's just nice to visually connect, so dont feel that constant talking is always necessary.

Feeling like a filler or an after thought is horrible. Talk to her and try and find out what would make her a little happier. She's probably just feeling really lonely and insecure, with a bit of reassurance you can help her get through this.

[BaconGirl05]

I think something like this happens in a lot of relationships. What does she do while you're at work? Is she working? I had this problem when my SO was working all the time and I didn't have a job at the time. His life was packed with school, family, friends, and work. I felt like he was hardly paying attention to me. Now that I've had a job for awhile, I understand that we can't always talk and it's not that he doesn't want me, it's that we're both busy with our own lives at the moment.

I would definitely suggest putting time aside where you see her for awhile. Do you have to always go out with friends? Maybe she just feels lonely because you're out doing something when she wants to see you or talk to you. I don't think you're being selfish, there may just be a lack of communication about each others needs. Talk to each other, find out what needs are NOT being met, then come up with a solution on how you can fix it. It's easier said than done, but it really will help.

Hope that helps

[LDRE]

I've had an ex-gf before that was like that. To be honest that's one of the reason why I broke up with her.

I think in my and your case that the GF was already accustomed to the way the relationship is and felt very comfortable. You used to skype a lot, chat a lot, basically you were always with each other.

Now, it has changed. You are not at fault, and she isn't. The good thing is that she really loves you so much even if she is clingy/needy.

I would advise setting a day for her (one of your weekends?) where you can chat or Skype the entire day so you can share that day with each other.

You need to sit her down and talk to her about how this is affecting the relationship and then propose a solution for this. Assure her that you love her and you are not bored from her.

[differentcountries]

i feel like even if we did have a full day of nothing but Skype there wouldn't be much to talk about because we won't do anything since we can't really watch a movie or anything like that.

she gets upset when i don't text her that i went out, or when i don't text her that i arrived home.
if i get home and go spend time with my family or of something comes up and i don't tell her she gets upset too and accuses me of getting bored of her and not sharing as much as i did before.

After the most recent fight she said that she shares too much and because of that expects me to do the same and that she will control her expectations, but what really happened is she is pushing me away and barley talking at all, not caring even what i shared and not accepting to Skype at all.

I understand havıng a busy socıal life but do you literally go out every night includıng weekends? That is a bit extreme. Even if you dont set up a date nıght of many hours you should be able to set asıde at least half an hour a couple of tımes a week. Your work hours are not that long.

There are places to watch movies online for free. SO and I watch free movies on visits. We are not really into watching movies together online though because to me the whole point of movies is the physical contact.

If you guys are bored talking to each other may I ask what kind of social life she has? Does she work or study? Does she have family or friends of her own to spend time with? Hobbies? We never do stuff together online but we talk about what we did.

I suggest that you forget about you giving out all the details and focus on giving her notice of when you can talk to HER. Because that is really what she is asking you to do.

[Ejoriah]

I can understand her feeling frustrated if whenever you skype her she's not the center of your attention. Some people really value quality time together where the two of you are together with no distractions. I suggest trying to come to a compromise of not going out with your friends once a week or something so you can have a "date night" in with her.

[sasad]

Great relationships don't just happen. They require work from both parties involved. Great relationships have good communications. I guess you need to define what is too needy for you...
You go out every night with family and/or friends. Every night. I would feel like a filler if my SO only texted or skyped me when he was driving to and from friends etc.
We make time and set a date. We will both skype and make dinner and then eat at the same time (while skyping )to discuss our day or week. Its a nice way for us to feel together.
I agree with Unicorn. Don't be to hard on her. You all need to talk and come up with an agreeable plan so you can communicate better.