coming to terms with how to close the distance

[MissingMyDutchLove]

I have been trying be understanding and patient with my SO, but I need to vent a little bit. Does anyone else have a SO who hasn't come to terms yet with how you two will close the distance? I am 99% sure that we will need to get married to close the distance. We both know we want to be together, and that marriage is a certainty in the future. However, my SO is convinced that we will find another way to close the distance, which is really frustrating because the likelihood of him getting a job here is looking slim and I cannot move there. It's fine if he isn't ready now, but I wish he would at least discuss this with me, especially since it'll be a long process and we're talking at least a year from when we get engaged. He isn't even willing to make a plan because he's so convinced that we won't need it. Ugh! Anyone else experience something similar?

[emsimes]

I understand you to a degree. My SO and I are also unsure of how/when we'll close the distance. We both know that the "easiest" way of doing so would be to marry. Most likely, my SO will move to the states to be with me, but that's still not 100% certain. He's also really worried about moving here and not being able to find a job right away.

It sucks not knowing how the future will play out, and sometimes I panic and think we'll never get to that point. I wish I had better advice for you, but I do believe that if there's a will, there's a way! It'll all work out for you guys in the end

[Mr Gravy]

Even though I am not afraid of commitment or marriage, I do have a bit of a problem with getting married in order to close the distance. It just doesn't seem right. Marriage is a big step and I would really prefer to close the distance and live together at least temporarily before taking it.
Maybe your SO thinks in a similar way.

[Honour]

I can somewhat understand. My SO is in full time employment, I'm a student halfway through a degree program at university. We've talked about everything that we want to do and how we'll do it, and we've agreed the way we want to go about it is through marriage. Whilst I can understand Mr Gravy's words, personally my SO and I feel the strong wanting to take that commitment when the time comes. My point is, for over 5 years, I didn't really live. My health was very bad and I was down on my luck to the point I was suicidal with depression. Now that stage is over, I want to live my life and have a family life with a career. My SO is 29, feels much the same. I think dependent on circumstances and personal beliefs, everyone's opinion will differ.

[lucybelle]

Why don't you bring it up? Tell him the best way to close the distance is to get married, and ask how he feels about that. Is he ready to get married? Is he ready to leave his country and life behind? Is he ready to move somewhere completely new to live with a new family? To look for and start a new job? To possibly be out of work for months? To make new friends and connections? To dedicate his entire life not only to a partner, but to their family and country?

It's a lot more than marriage, it could be he's nervous about any one of those things. Talk about it and figure it out.

[differentcountries]

It is not an easy subject to bring up. I can understad wanting things to progress "naturally", but marriage might be one of the roads to consider.

For us, since I am already married, I am thinking that work or family reunion (if we had a child) would be our options. I know that for SO, it would mean a lot to his self esteem if he was able to come here for work. However I struggle to make him start working on the language he would need to qualify to work here long term.

I don't know what it is with guys, sometimes they are so proud like "I am going to find a road under the sea", instead of looking into what the actual options are. SO is stubborn like that. What I generally do, I don't really plan with him, I just do it on my own, and when he is ready to discuss things, we have good convos because I have researched what is possible.

I agree with lucybelle that the small things are important. I have found a place that sells expensive Turkish beer in my town, we can even get Turkish mineral water and German-produced Turkish sausages. I have encouraged him very hard to keep in touch with the friends he has in my country, because they are going to be his lifeline and second family here, especially since we can't count on my family for various reasons. I have told him that I consider that 2/3 of our vacation time will be spent visiting Turkey if he moves. I am learning Turkish myself. The place I live has options for biking, like he is used to and I will buy bikes. I am willing to do all these changes, but he also has to be willing. 2 years is a long time, but for moving internationally it is not so - and you being impatient is not making it easier for him to picture a future with you. It is not just a matter of finding ways to close the distance, but ways to merge lives and cultures.

[farandaway]

My SO also thinks everything will just fall into place. We don't have the marriage option for several reasons and I'm not even ready to move for at least a year or two. But it bothers me also that we don't properly talk about that. I don't know if it is guys in general that don't need plans like many of us women do. I know now almost 4 years into this if I had known in the beginning that we are still not physically together I would have been devastated. I look for words he says and things he does that point into our future and it always makes me feel so happy. Basically I think he trusts us so much that he doesn't worry about us and our future every other moment like I do. When he says I need to come visit his hometown and see if I feel that I could make it my home, those are signs that he wants me part of his life. It is not always easy to bring up what bothers you. We don't have much skype time at the moment so if something is really on my mind I will write him a lengthy email. That will give him time to read it over when he has more time and also give him time to think about it and answer. Or then we talk it over at next skype. Maybe you could try the same if talking face to face does not feel comfortable.

[MissingMyDutchLove]

Hi all. Thank you for your responses. We have been together 2 years (about half LD), and lived together for 6 months. We both know that we want to get married. It isn't so much the problem that he won't talk about marriage (because we have, and he wants to), but rather that instead of saying "if we aren't CD by ____ years into the relationship, then we will take that next step", he just says "we'll close the distance eventually". Maybe he has a plan for it already and is just keeping it a secret because he doesn't want to ruin an engagement, but I highly doubt it. We are both young and haven't been together too terribly long. I know we both would prefer to wait if it were normal circumstances, but it's not. Since he is actively looking for a job here, I think he is ready to move here and start our live together, but not necessarily marriage. This whole thing is hard to come to terms with because I agree with him. We never wanted to get married just to close the distance, but now here we are and if we don't do that we never will close the distance. I don't want to rush things just because we want to be together, but I have this fear that we will be 5 years down the line and no closer to closing the distance and he still won't be ready to move in that direction. Two years LD has been hard enough, but an additional however many with no end in sight would be devastating.

I think a lot of it is culturally too. In the US, it's typically you date for 2 years and then decide to either get married or break up. It is not uncommon to get engaged at the two year mark. In the Netherlands, at least for his friends/family, you date for 5+ years and then MAYBE decide to get married. I think he's trying to translate that to our relationship, but the fact of the matter is that that is NOT our relationship. I wouldn't be pressuring him at all if we could be CD. I honestly don't care about a ring or a piece of paper if we are able to be together, but we aren't. I can't handle seeing him once a year for 5 more years.

[differentcountries]

Why is you going there not an option?

[MissingMyDutchLove]

I have school for a couple of more years, since I'm getting a graduate degree. I have to get it in the US, otherwise I will never be able to work in my field in the US again without having to go back to school for a third time.

I feel like I should also mention that we have talked about this multiple times, so he knows my feelings about this. I feel like it's pointless to keep talking about this with him as he will finally agree when he's ready. I guess I'm mostly just looking for support and a way to vent without continuing to fight about this with my SO.

[differentcountries]

I have school for a couple of more years, since I'm getting a graduate degree. I have to get it in the US, otherwise I will never be able to work in my field in the US again without having to go back to school for a third time.

I feel like I should also mention that we have talked about this multiple times, so he knows my feelings about this. I feel like it's pointless to keep talking about this with him as he will finally agree when he's ready. I guess I'm mostly just looking for support and a way to vent without continuing to fight about this with my SO.

It sounds to me that there is not neccesarily a point of you getting officially engaged or married soon (for the sake of closing the distance), as you probalby will not meet the financial reuirements until after you finish your education. I can get that it can be frustrating to be young...

[lucybelle]

I have never heard of this "date two years and then marry or breakup" rule. My SO and I were LD two years then lived together two years before we got married. Sounds like you might want to get married quickly because your friends are getting hitched and you're envious.

[MissButterfly]

I think a lot of it is culturally too. In the US, it's typically you date for 2 years and then decide to either get married or break up. It is not uncommon to get engaged at the two year mark. In the Netherlands, at least for his friends/family, you date for 5+ years and then MAYBE decide to get married. I think he's trying to translate that to our relationship, but the fact of the matter is that that is NOT our relationship. I wouldn't be pressuring him at all if we could be CD. I honestly don't care about a ring or a piece of paper if we are able to be together, but we aren't. I can't handle seeing him once a year for 5 more years.

I honestly don't think that's a Dutch thing at all. You are 21, how old is he? The average age to get married around here (here being NL and most other EU countries) is 29/30. It also may be a guy thing, I feel like a lot of guys really aren't as ready to concretely think about stuff like marriage at that age. I dated my SO for 3,5 years and then we decided that (for the same reasons as you mentioned) we couldn't realistically close the distance and we didn't want to be stuck waiting for years at our age. We broke up for that reason, and many other reasons of course. But you have to ask yourself what is reasonable to expect of him at this point in your lives.

[MissingMyDutchLove]

Actually none of my friends are getting married right now. Most of them are doing grad school, so they're waiting. The two year thing isn't a "rule", just typical in the area I'm from. Like I said before, I would LOVE to close the distance and just be together. I feel no reason to rush marriage, except for the fact that we probably can't be together without it. We met when I was 19. I feel no reason to wait 10 years to get married just because of our ages. I get that that's the norm in Europe, but LD makes that unrealistic. I am not pressuring him to marry me now. I feel like I should clarify that, but I do think it isn't unrealistic to be talking about what our plan is, even if it's "if you don't have a job in the US within two years, then we will file for a fiance visa". I get if he's not ready, but I honestly feel like at this point we're in a stand still. We grow so much when we are together and then just maintain when we are apart. Long distance is not making me any more sure that he is "the one", living together did.

As far as finances go, I haven't looked into the requirements for the visa since that hasn't been a true conversation yet. After a year of grad school, I will be getting a job in my field while continuing grad school, so I will have an income coming in. My parents are also super supportive of our relationship and have already said that they would do anything to help us close the distance, including being a financial sponsor.

I should mention again that I'm looking for a plan not a ring.

[differentcountries]

Actually none of my friends are getting married right now. Most of them are doing grad school, so they're waiting. The two year thing isn't a "rule", just typical in the area I'm from. Like I said before, I would LOVE to close the distance and just be together. I feel no reason to rush marriage, except for the fact that we probably can't be together without it. We met when I was 19. I feel no reason to wait 10 years to get married just because of our ages. I get that that's the norm in Europe, but LD makes that unrealistic. I am not pressuring him to marry me now. I feel like I should clarify that, but I do think it isn't unrealistic to be talking about what our plan is, even if it's "if you don't have a job in the US within two years, then we will file for a fiance visa". I get if he's not ready, but I honestly feel like at this point we're in a stand still. We grow so much when we are together and then just maintain when we are apart. Long distance is not making me any more sure that he is "the one", living together did.

As far as finances go, I haven't looked into the requirements for the visa since that hasn't been a true conversation yet. After a year of grad school, I will be getting a job in my field while continuing grad school, so I will have an income coming in. My parents are also super supportive of our relationship and have already said that they would do anything to help us close the distance, including being a financial sponsor.

I should mention again that I'm looking for a plan not a ring.

I think you are overplanning this. A lot of things could happen during a 2 year period time. You have mentioned marriage as an option for him so he knows it is on the table. And it is slightly offensive to him to assume that he will not get a job (even if realistically that is likely, I am sure that is not something he likes having rubbed in his face. He will have to realize soon enough). It is great that he wants to close the distance through work, if at all possible it is easier and also cheaper than the other options where you or your family have to support him until he gets granted permission to work. Never underestimate male pride when it comes to these things, while you might think nothing having him sponsored he might not feel so comfortable about the idea.