New and scared

[vic92]

Hi all,

I decided to find this forum after recently starting a LDR and having absolutely no clue what I'm doing with it. It's all new to me, and, thanks to recent developments, scary.

So a bit of background info. I'm from the UK. I spent August travelling around America, and finished my trip in San Francisco. I met my SO on my last night in the states. After a drunken night of fun, I thought it would be just that. I woke up to a friend request from him on Facebook, and we never stopped talking from there. We developed feelings for one another very quickly. We were equals. We were open and true to one another. He visited me in October for 2 weeks, during which time we also spent 5 days in Amsterdam. Whilst he was over here, he asked me to be his girlfriend, he told me he loved me, and was very open about how he sees the future going for us.

I have flights booked to go and stay with him in March. BUT.

The past week - 10 days, he's been incredibly distant and somewhat off the radar. Seeing my messages, not getting back to me, scheduling Skype calls and then never coming online. Some info on what's going on with him...

A few months ago he started working for himself. He's stuck in a lease until May which he can't wait to get out of to be more flexible. He has credit card debt which I know bothers him, and as far as I can tell, would bother anyone.

He seems extremely scattered and doesn't seem to know what he wants, apart from when it comes to us. When we have spoken on the phone recently, everything has been normal. We had a very productive phone call via Skype a week ago where I explained that I wouldn't be angry or annoyed if he has busy days where we can't talk, I simply want that communicating to me. I can't handle being ignored, the radio silence. It's just the kind of person I am.

Last night we had a Skype call scheduled. I was going out for dinner with friends, so when we were on the phone the night before he asked me to message him when I was leaving dinner, so he could wrap up what he was doing and we could Skype. I messaged him to say I was leaving, and again to say I was home. No response. Nothing. I sent him a long but reasonable and calm message explaining that I'd come home as we'd arranged a call, and that I thought he would have told me if he hadn't wanted to talk. I said that I'm trying my best to support him with the changes in his life at the moment, but I can't if he doesn't want me to/ doesn't let me. I signed off the long message saying I'm trying my best to support you, but I don't know how to do that because I feel like I don't know what you want. There's not much else I can do right now, so I'll give you some space.

I went to bed, stayed awake and restless all night. He read the message but did not reply. It looks like he read it right before crashing out for the night.

I'm absolutely heartbroken and don't know what to do or what this means. I can't eat, my mind is racing, and he knows that I've been struggling with us talking less. I felt like we had such a good productive conversation last week, but it seems to have done a U-turn.

Do I give up? Do I hang on in there? I don't know how I can be there for him, as he's asked me to before, when he isn't engaging me and even ignoring me at points.

Not hearing from him is killing me. He used to be so attentive, affectionate. Like he couldn't get enough of me. And suddenly I feel like that's gone.

Thank you in advance for your help. Much love x

[Honour]

I'm sorry to hear all this. It sounds as if he's struggling to cope with things that are happening right about now, and doesn't want to involve you for fear of worry, yet it's one of those self-perpetuating circles... it does more harm than good. Can you contact any of his family or friends and see if there's a way they could find out/tell you what's happening with your SO? Unless you have another way of contacting him, I can't really suggest much asides from waiting, and keeping yourself distracted. I wouldn't consider giving up until he responds to you within, say, the next few hours/days. I wish you luck.

[Unicorn26]

Do you have another way of contacting him? Sometimes technology plays up and messages don't get through or he may be unable to respond for some reason?

I had these issues the other week, SO and I both having issues with iMessages saying they'd delivered and even read but they hadn't. I thought he was ignoring me and he thought I was ignoring him ha! We laughed about it, wondered who the hell had got our messages, he said "I dunno but I bet they're throwing up!"

Do you have an email address for him or his phone no? Facebook message him too. If still no response then you know he's being a dick. You're being perfectly reasonable, it's fine to express what you need. We are all busy and it's only polite to let your other half know this in advance.

Good luck and keep us posted.

[vic92]

Thank you so much for your responses. The relationship is still early days, so I've not met any of his family or friends yet. That's the plan for March. Or it was...

He's read the long message I sent him last night, and has been online since. We only ever speak over FB Messenger. I guess all I can do is wait for him to reply.

I agree, I think he's overwhelmed right now, and I understand that. Honestly, I do. But I never thought I'd be the one he'd shut out.

I'd rather have a blazing argument or talk it out, even if it's not what I want to hear. Silence, for me, is torturous.

[Unicorn26]

I'd rather have a blazing argument or talk it out, even if it's not what I want to hear. Silence, for me, is torturous.

Oh yes totally. I'm not one for holding things in, they need to be aired otherwise they turn into much bigger issues.

[gumperman]

Hi all,

I decided to find this forum after recently starting a LDR and having absolutely no clue what I'm doing with it. It's all new to me, and, thanks to recent developments, scary.

So a bit of background info. I'm from the UK. I spent August travelling around America, and finished my trip in San Francisco. I met my SO on my last night in the states. After a drunken night of fun, I thought it would be just that. I woke up to a friend request from him on Facebook, and we never stopped talking from there. We developed feelings for one another very quickly. We were equals. We were open and true to one another. He visited me in October for 2 weeks, during which time we also spent 5 days in Amsterdam. Whilst he was over here, he asked me to be his girlfriend, he told me he loved me, and was very open about how he sees the future going for us.

I have flights booked to go and stay with him in March. BUT.

The past week - 10 days, he's been incredibly distant and somewhat off the radar. Seeing my messages, not getting back to me, scheduling Skype calls and then never coming online. Some info on what's going on with him...

A few months ago he started working for himself. He's stuck in a lease until May which he can't wait to get out of to be more flexible. He has credit card debt which I know bothers him, and as far as I can tell, would bother anyone.

He seems extremely scattered and doesn't seem to know what he wants, apart from when it comes to us. When we have spoken on the phone recently, everything has been normal. We had a very productive phone call via Skype a week ago where I explained that I wouldn't be angry or annoyed if he has busy days where we can't talk, I simply want that communicating to me. I can't handle being ignored, the radio silence. It's just the kind of person I am.

Last night we had a Skype call scheduled. I was going out for dinner with friends, so when we were on the phone the night before he asked me to message him when I was leaving dinner, so he could wrap up what he was doing and we could Skype. I messaged him to say I was leaving, and again to say I was home. No response. Nothing. I sent him a long but reasonable and calm message explaining that I'd come home as we'd arranged a call, and that I thought he would have told me if he hadn't wanted to talk. I said that I'm trying my best to support him with the changes in his life at the moment, but I can't if he doesn't want me to/ doesn't let me. I signed off the long message saying I'm trying my best to support you, but I don't know how to do that because I feel like I don't know what you want. There's not much else I can do right now, so I'll give you some space.

I went to bed, stayed awake and restless all night. He read the message but did not reply. It looks like he read it right before crashing out for the night.

I'm absolutely heartbroken and don't know what to do or what this means. I can't eat, my mind is racing, and he knows that I've been struggling with us talking less. I felt like we had such a good productive conversation last week, but it seems to have done a U-turn.

Do I give up? Do I hang on in there? I don't know how I can be there for him, as he's asked me to before, when he isn't engaging me and even ignoring me at points.

Not hearing from him is killing me. He used to be so attentive, affectionate. Like he couldn't get enough of me. And suddenly I feel like that's gone.

Thank you in advance for your help. Much love x

I came on this site to hopfully find some folks to talk to about my LDR that could relate. What you have described, is what I've been feeling lately about my SO too. It also seems she has "been incredibly distant and somewhat off the radar. Seeing my messages, not getting back to me" too. I also "can't handle being ignored, the radio silence." either, and she didn't used to be like this, taking a long time to respond, when she used to respond within minutes all the time. I get people get busy, but everytime I talk to her now, it takes her forever to look at my message and then respond sometimes, and it says she's active most of the time too, just not active enough to talk to me it feels like.

So have you been talking with your SO lately or has he still not responded? I hope he's talking to you. Merry Christmas!

[RichardMaxwell]

I think it's an unpleasant but obvious fact, if someone is not writing to you, not taking the time to respond, or to say they'll be away for long periods of time, it just means they don't care enough for you. The only option in my view is not to write yourself. If they want to be in touch, if they want to be with you, then they will find time to be in touch.

[vic92]

Hi all!

Firstly Merry Christmas, hope it's been as relaxing and lazy for you all as it has been for me!

So a quick update... My SO really opened up to me about how he's been feeling lately. Very down (I'm not sure if I'd say depressed at this point), lacking motivation to do anything, feeling extremely overwhelmed with all his recent life changes etc etc.

I explained that I'm here for him and that I still love him; all of this going on with him doesn't change that. He got very upset on the phone, saying it was so hard because I wasn't there, and that broke my heart. The past few days he's made more of an effort to check in every day, call me when he can (allowing for the fact it's Christmas so we're both spending time with family).

By the sounds of his previous relationships that we've discussed in the past, he sounds to have always been with "needers". That's not meant as a criticism - at all. By that I mean, his ex sounds to have been very insecure, to have had low self esteem and really needed emotional support from him. Which of course you should get from your partner. And it's no bad thing. But I don't think he ever felt able to himself be the one "needing". He had to be the rock. I say this because his biggest regret going through this at the moment is that he thinks he's failed me. By not being okay, and by not being on top of everything. Like I say - it broke my heart.

I'm not someone who needs a rock, I very much believe it's a two way street, and I enjoy supporting a partner as much as I enjoy being supported.

So I guess you could say things are... better? We're definitely not out of the woods yet, and he has a lot to figure out for himself but I have faith in him. In us.

Thank you so much for the replies so far.. It's so comforting knowing there's a community here who understands.

P.S - one thought I did have - we've never really discussed concrete plans for closing the distance. Hearing him cry down the phone that this was so hard without me with him made me wonder whether or not to maybe broach the subject - or would that just be another decision to add to his currently growing list?

[Honour]

Having plans for the future is fine. But there's a right time and place to discuss them, and from what you've said, I don't think the time is right.