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**R&R** · December 26, 2015, 12:56 PM

My SO and I have been together over 2 years also. Right now we are at our longest time apart. It's been 5 months and we don't have a scheduled visit planned.

All of us in an LDR understand where you are coming from as far as not having your partner around for certain things. It's a part of it that we all accept as we have made the choice to be in an LDR. No, it doesn't always make it easier but it helps me to remember that I have consciously made this choice and he is well worth the distance. We all are facing things physically alone. Having been in relationships with someone local, even living together - trust me, just because someone is physically there doesn't mean that they are there. Physical proximity does not always correlate to having a partner who is "there for you". People who are far away can be much more of a support than a person sitting in the same room with you.

I'm lucky because a lot of my friends and family have met my SO on his visit here. I can say to them "Last night when Rob and I were talking, I told him about when you said..........and he laughed so hard". I still bring him into conversations like that, just like my friends bring their local bf/gf's into conversation. Just because you didn't physically do something with your SO doesn't mean that they can't be discussed just like they could be if they were CD. They don't ask me if I'm lonely or if we're still together because they are understanding of the situation. For the rare people that will ask if it's hard more than once or the other typical questions we get, I reply "Not as much as you'd think. But really, it takes a special couple of people to do this. Anyone can do a local relationship." That usually will shut people up.

Just because your SO isn't physically present doesn't mean you can't have the "how was your day" conversations. Yes, I understand how much we wish our partner was with us or we were able to come home and they were waiting for us at door but the reality is that this currently isn't how it is and it's better to focus on what we do have over what we don't. It's not going to be forever. My SO and I joke that once we close the distance, his constantly being around is going to drive me crazy and I'll be taking vacations for alone time or kicking him out to go visit family to get him out of my hair. (The thing is, this is probably true!!) Every type of relationship has it's pros and cons and it's always better to focus on the pros.

**Snowbunny** · December 26, 2015, 01:30 PM

Hi R&R! Thank you for your response!
You are absolutely right about that, I have been in relationships too that have lasted for up to 2 years where I felt more lonely than I do in this relationship and I KNOW he is totally worth it. It all just got to the point today where I totally panicked and didn't know what to do or feel anymore ( I have started to look for jobs as my new profession) and I felt that I had to talk to someone who is in the same situation as me. So thank you!

I do talk about him like he is around and my closest friends know about us and support me, but I am starting to miss bringing him to events or other social get-togethers. I know that I got into this relationship and I knew what it meant, but at the same time its getting under my skin. Last time I went there I stayed for two months and we moved in to a house that he got "for us" and I painted the rooms and chose the carpets and we decorated together etc. We started a life and I got to see what is going to be my home and I am getting sooo frustrated that I can't be there with him!
Haha yeah we talk about that too, fortunately for me he is in the Navy so will be gone on and off from 1 month up to 3 months so we will have a distance relationship within the country aswell when I move.
There is so much that is happening on my end when he is just waiting for me to arrive. I am leaving everything and everyone behind me and I am about to go through english tests and registration as a nurse (after graduation in June) and applying for visas etc etc which can take up to a year and at the same time start my new career as a registered nurse and leave my AIN career behind me and its alot of pressure on my side to pull things through. I wish he could be here with me, that's all...

I am so happy other couples do this too and understand what I am going through. I have never had any doubts before and I dont want to start a life with anyone else, he is the one I want to explore life with! But right now I am scared that I'm not strong enough and that being apart from him hurts me more than how happy he makes me when we are together. (He's been at sea for a while now too and just got back so we only emailed a couple times a week which might have made me feel more lonely than usual)

Some of my friends have been or are in relationships that are far more worse than mine, and I am well aware of that. I know we are stronger than alot of people and I am proud we've been together this long and probably will stay together a long time if not forever. I am just in a dark place at the moment having an identity crisis or something with the need of support that I cant get through a phone.

**Unicorn26** · December 26, 2015, 02:25 PM

I think we can all relate to this totally!!

This time of year is horrible to be without your SO and I think a lot of us struggle with it. I get fed up of the questions too, like "when is he gonna move over here?" when he hasn't even made it over to the uk for a visit yet and I have an impending divorce still going through!!!

I'm forever feeling like the spare wheel. What's worse for me is that I had two gf's who I'm really close to who were both single. It was cool because I had a lot of time with them and it was fun and helped keep my mind off missing my SO. Those two gf's have now found bf's locally so I don't really get to see them much anymore. Also, I'm a single parent too, so I'm always stuck in by myself so it SUCKS because I can't go out and get out of the house that much unless they are at their dads for the night (which is really rare these days).

I've had to give up my gym membership because I kept getting let down by my mum for babysitting and not working out is getting me down. That I think, for me, is one of the main factors that makes me feel down. I work two jobs just to get by and break even and the gym had to go. I hate not being able to go and work out properly.

The distance is so tough. Time zones, work and family all get in the way. But, my SO really is the absolute best. I was in a crappy marriage for almost half my life and my SO fulfills me way more from 4000 miles away than my husband ever did even though he was right by my side.

I'd never give up on us. He's worth every minute of the wait because when we are together it's just magical.

**R&R** · December 26, 2015, 02:32 PM

Originally posted by Snowbunny View Post

Some of my friends have been or are in relationships that are far more worse than mine, and I am well aware of that. I know we are stronger than alot of people and I am proud we've been together this long and probably will stay together a long time if not forever. I am just in a dark place at the moment having an identity crisis or something with the need of support that I cant get through a phone.

I think the biggest part of this is that your SO can't be your only support system. Even if you were CD, it's important to have other sources. My SO is definitely one of my means of support. However, family and close friends also provide support when I need it. When you need a face to face chat, a hug, a shoulder to cry on - right now a close friend may have to fill that space for you. Especially since your SO is in the Navy and will be gone a lot even when you close this distance - it's important to have this coping mechanism in place.

**Snowbunny** · December 26, 2015, 02:53 PM

Hi Unicorn26!

I am sorry that you're going through such a hard time by yourself especially now that your friends don't spend as much time with you as they used to. I know the feeling though, when me and my SO started dating most of my friends were single too and I could hang out with them more than I do now. I am happy that they all have met someone who makes them happy and I dont mind being the third wheel, but at the same time I wish I had my SO with me when I visit my friends or go out to dinner.

Going to the gym is always good when you need to get rid of some tension or just think things through. Maybe you can do some workout at home? Get a yoga mat and look for workouts at youtube like pilates or yoga and find some good music that help you keep motivated. I use Spotify and search for "workout music" or "dancefloor hits" etc. Make sure you use good speakers with alot of base or headphones that keep other noise out when you're concentrating! 30 mins to an hour is enough sometimes

I dont know how old your child is but hopefully you can find some time to focus on yourself. Go out for PW with your child if possible, its good for both of you to get some fresh air. I usually take the stairs instead of the elevator or escalator.

It's wonderful when your SO is supportive and wonderful, everything seems worth it when you know that the person you're waiting for is also waiting for you. It's a special bond and I am so happy that I get to experience that feeling this young (I am 23, was 21 when we met). Being lonely during holidays doesn't make things easier, like you said, and I know there are alot of people just like you and me feeling this way right now. We get constantly reminded about relationships and family during holidays and when you dont have your SO close it gets to you. :/
Time zones isn't helping. We have 9 hours between us rand it's hard to keep in touch for more than a few hours/day, and when I am at work he is at home and when I get off he is sleeping, when I go to sleep he wakes up. I am tired of a text that's getting answered when I am asleep and vice versa.

I am so happy I joined this site, it feels better knowing there is great support here and that we all can share feelings and tips to get through a rough patch.

**Snowbunny** · December 26, 2015, 03:00 PM

Yeah I know... I already have friends in Australia waiting for me, both "navy wives" and people not being in relationships with people in the navy. They will be a great support when we finally live together in Aus.
At the moment when I am living in Sweden I do have friends, but I think I have lost contact with alot of them due to a busy schedule and I no longer feel like I have the same support that I used to. Everyone is changing and their lives changes too (which is fantastic!). I am 23 and all my friends are around 23-27 and I guess that's the age group when life changes the most with marriage, moving in together with their SO and people having babies etc. It's just alot happening right now and I am starting to get to know myself better and starting to "grow up" i guess. A very confusing time haha

**Unicorn26** · December 26, 2015, 03:24 PM

My girls are 11 and 7. I get out with the dogs as much as possible and I always take the stairs too lol!

Spring will be here soon and that will help improve my mood.

**Snowbunny** · December 26, 2015, 03:37 PM

Ok! Yeah that's great

It's so dark here in Sweden right now, sunrise 09 and sunset 14:30 so depressing and cold. Just turning cold and winter is upon us haha motivation is zero at the moment. I bet that gets to me too, not just being lonely itself.

**pizza_heart** · December 26, 2015, 06:02 PM

Originally posted by Snowbunny View Post

I am currently working at three different jobs every weekend and every holiday I have off from school. During semesters I am working afternoons/nights and/or weekends. I am constantly busy, which have been great because time flies and I get to see him quicker!
But it all comes to an end in June and I have started to feel very lonely. All of my close friends have also found their mr/ms right and I am now the third wheel with all my friends and their significant other.

I am tired of coming home to an empty apartment, never have a +1 to bring to dinners (which now always is alot of couples - and me), never have anyone to explore things with, no one to cook dinner to or with etc. He is like a ghost which I keep alive through talking about him. If I didnt, no one would notice that he is in my life because he isnt here physically.

these parts resonated with me. In the past, i unintentionally ended up in two LDRs that failed miserably, and i didn't even reveal to anyone else i was in a relationship. I was always the third wheel, i never really had a normal relationship with anyone. i'd go to the movies with my mom and just didnt go out much. I felt lonely to the point of having to seek psychiatric help. I kept comparing everyone's ideal life coming together and everyone else being able to find someone locally who met their needs. Then i met my now boyfriend, and we spent months apart and i was scared history would repeat itself... i would just daydream of situations involving the both of us, and text him pictures of my daily life. At one point while i visited him i had a breakdown cause out time together was running out and i told him i didn't want to have a relationship with my cellphone, i wanted a "normal" relationship where i could come home and hang out with him, get bored with him even... i was needy of that normalcy in my life for once. it wasn't easy but we pulled through mainly because of him. He sacrificed a lot and moved to where i am earlier than we originally planned, things NEVER go as planned and there was gonna be a significant delay. He knew it was hurting me and i cannot thank him enough for leaving behind his friends, family and his country to be closer to me.

Hang in there, in the end, love is worth it.

**Telephone** · December 28, 2015, 05:38 AM

I think all LDR couples face this kind of thing sooner or later. And yeah, it sucks - big time.

I agree with R&R, this time more than ever we need to find someone else to be with us - even one person is enough. If you struggle with depression, I know it can be super hard at times, but reaching out to people you already know is a lifesaver sometimes. From my experience, people generally respond very well to others seeking help. Your mom, a friend, anyone can do, really. Try to actively seek out new relationships, too. Again.. I know depression might be getting in a way, but try nevertheless.

What do I do? Same things as you

I keep myself busy; I try new things all the time. I avoid watching romantic comedies (never liked them too much in the first place, but good God, they are like a sledgehammer to my feelings right now), meet up with people (some are single, some are not - I just deal with it and don't consider it an issue anymore). I've started considering these neverending questions about my relationship as a sign of good will and nothing else. Took me some time, but I rarely ever get hurt/mad by someone starting the convo with "So.. Are you still together?". If someone asks, I say "Yes! We are." and it feels good, because it makes me remember it's been a long time, far away from one another, and we're still going strong (with bumps on the way, of course, bigger and smaller).

I realize it's a bit silly when you just want to have someone by your side (I've been there - am there), but for me it worked to focus on myself as a person. I have a lot of things to deal with at the moment, but hey - there'll be more when we start moving together/seeing each other regularly - and I might not be given a moment to be just with myself that often. So, I try to get to know myself. It definitely did help with my depression.

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