Newbie needing major advice

[Camden13]

Hello, my name is Dee. I have recently joined this site in hopes of meeting people who understand what I'm going through. Would love to just talk to someone who knows what It's like to be in a ldr aside from my SO.

-Short bio of Myself and my SO: I'm 24 from Chicago he 24 & is from Scotland We met via a game back in September of 2013, got into a relationship in December that same year. We talked on the phone,messaged each other and skyped constantly for all of 2014/2015. On October 20th he flew over to Chicago so we could finally meet in person! He stayed here from Oct 20th to January 13th.

So yes, he just left During his stay we connected much more deeply, it was the most amazing time of our lives.. I can honestly say we fell so much more in love. To say the least we are crazy about each other. When the time came to say bye at the airport I was an utter and complete mess. He cried all the way to the security check point as well. I stayed there until I couldn't see him anymore. It's now been two days since then and I still feel so empty and heartbroken. I've cried every single day especially at night, he left a few sweaters and shoes behind and I can't even look at them without crying. My home & especially my room feels so empty and lonely without him. I haven't slept in my bed or been in my room much because of this. I know this is all so recent and it takes time. But my heart and mind are just not having it, I feel horrible, I have never felt this pain in my life. I'm at a loss on how to cope, it's like he took my happiness with him.

His next visit will likely be in Late July. I know I should be happy and looking forward to this..But I can't seem to cheer up, I think I'm going through major depression & I can't control it. I've talked to him about it and he's hurting too, it saddens him to see me crying and hurt. And there's only so much cheering me up he can do while he's over there. I feel so bad because he is being the positive one and he's so excited for his next visit. Don't get me wrong I am happy that I'll see him again, my heart just seems to be hurting way too much, I'm missing him beyond belief. I tend to over think things and worry about him not being able to get through again in July since he traveled under the Vwp(does anyone have input on this?). So thinking of that saddens me even more, the idea of not seeing him then is maybe what's stopping me from being ok?

I just don't know...Has anyone ever felt like this? Been through this? It seems not even distractions help. Every time I talk to family or friends I get the whole "it'll get better" or "you'll be ok" line which makes me not want to talk to them about it. They just don't get what I'm feeling or going through so here I am, seeking any advice or info from others in the ldr community. TIA

[Redheart14]

It's hard. LDR's aren't for everyone, it's very emotionally taxing. Seeing this was your first visit it'd natural to feel so upset. Don't let it ruin your sadness ruin the excitement of your upcoming trip. Create a countdown as it will help you focus on something. You need to get out and see friends and keep your normal routine going. It'll help you not get so bogged down in missing him. We've all been there, you will get there. I know it hurts but it's not as bad as not having him in your life at all, right?

[Camden13]

I'm not much of a cryer especially in front of other people. And can hide my emotions really well. So I guess I'm scared that this affected me in such a way to where I cry over shoes and sweaters. Idk if that makes sense? But you are right, I can't see a life without him. I have absolutely no regrets about being in this relationship & I'll definitely see this through. Just wasn't prepared for all this ache after the visit especially when we have plans for the summer. I feel like something is wrong with me. I start work this upcoming Tuesday so I'm hoping that going back to my normal routine helps some.

[abna1]

Nothing is wrong with you. It's completely normal to be upset when your SO leaves, especially after a first amazing visit. I also still get very upset, but with time it's gotten easier for me to get back into my routine. I'm sure starting work soon will definitely help you stay busy and take your mind off things a bit. It's also really helpful that you already have the next visit planned. It might not seem like it now, but counting down the days does make time fly. All the best to you.

[R&R]

As the others have said, being in an LDR can be hard. I last saw my SO in July and we don't have a set date for our next visit. I miss him but it's just how it is. There are others on here that still haven't met their SO's or it's been over a year. We are all in the relationships because of our choosing and we love the person enough to deal with this distance.

Yes, being upset, sad and missing your partner after they leave is normal. If you are truly depressed then seek some help. Lots of people come on these boards because they miss their SO. IMHO, I think a lot of times people can tend to over dramatize a situation. I'm not saying you don't miss your SO but I am saying that if you are truly depressed than that is an issue that needs to be addressed.

I also think it's important to remember that you ARE in charge of your emotions and feelings. If you wake up and your thoughts are all "Oh I miss him", "Oh I'm so miserable", "Oh there is his sweater and now I have to cry about it" - Yes, you are going to be absolutely miserable. Our mindsets and how we approach obstacles in our life are important; not just about relationships but about everything. As hard as it may be, you have to wake up and start your day with a positive outlook. It may be one thing a day to resolve to do - today I resolve to think of something positive about my relationship when the thought of how miserable I feel comes into my mind. It won't happen overnight, but once you can learn to do that, you will make your life a lot easier.

[Honour]

This is the part of an LDR I'm not looking forward to. My SO and I meet for the first time in April this year, he'll be here for 10 days. I'm going to be a mess when he leaves, and so will he more than likely. Mentally preparing yourself for it doesn't fully help either, but like R&R said, (and I know I do this because in the run up to my SO leaving for 4 days with zero contact lately, I was in a real state) we overdramatise our emotions. Take a deep breath and focus, on other things and the positive things happening/happened.

[Unicorn26]

I wish we could swap our SO locations, my SO lives in Chicago!

I totally understand how you feel. I have been with my SO for three years too, I visited him in Chicago for the first time in October, I was only there for 10 days (I'd have loved to have stayed longer but it just wasn't possible). When I got back I was so utterly deflated, I felt awful. My home didn't feel the same and I missed him soooooooo badly. I just could not seem to pull myself out of it. My freinds were great and helped a lot, but lately they haven't been around so much and it's been really tough. I have no idea when I'm going to see my SO again, things are bad at his end and it's all up in the air and very uncertain. I know if I had a date to focus on, no matter how far away that is, I would be soooooo much happier.

There is no reason why it would be a problem for him to visit again, as long as he has the evidence that may be needed (proof of ties to the uk, job, rent, mortgage etc) so don't worry about that.

Just try and keep busy, think about other things if you can, and I do know how hard that is. I always have half of my brain on Chicago time but honestly, it's so important to do things for YOU. You will make yourself depressed dwelling on it constantly and I am speaking from experience here!

This is a great place for support and to know there are others in the same boat as you.

And, for the record, you should arrange a trip to Scotland! It's totally amazing and very different to the flat urban sprawl of Chicago. You could not fail to be blown away but it's rugged natural beauty.