I need some help/other opinions :)

[RichardMaxwell]

"Chase" is okay only before the relationship and serious things start, when you just want to hook up with someone. And I consider it okay in close distance relationships only too. "Chase" brings you interest of someone, but it lasts only for a really short time and doesn't keep relationship steady, simple as that.
Being interesting, "challenge" and "fun" shouldn't come from stupid games. I believe it's your personality that should make you interesting for your partner and the way you just are. If it is not so, then it means you two simply aren't the match. I can't imagine any person being actually boring though, everyone has their own interests and views and there's beauty in every one of them, just for different eyes. And it is hard to actually get to know and understand a person well enough already with a lot of honesty, let alone with games. AND in ldr too??

The sad reality is that precisely in LDR we depend on texting and one of the great curses of this dependency is that it can become boring, especially if you keep saying the same thing which your SO already knows. If the texting were more fun and more challenging for his SO, she would be more likely to write more.

[RichardMaxwell]

Jesus, a relationship is not a game. Playing hard to get and stuff like that is manipulative at best. Honesty will seriously get you much further. Of course nobody should say "I love you" without meaning it, and it shouldn't become a mere empty habit, but don't turn it into a "chase" or something. If you want someone to communicate more, tell them so. Don't put on an act and expect them to get the hint. If someone stopped having interest in me like that, I wouldn't assume they're trying to challenge me, I would feel rejected.

Nobody will write to you more because you tell them to do so. You can't control what people do. What you can do is be more fun and more interesting so that they WANT to write to you. Incidentallly, if you feel rejected by someone you ACTUALLY want, THAT would be motivation for you to take steps to write more unless you're someone who gives up very easily. Just getting daily 'I love you' messages, telling you something you already know, are unlikely to excite anyone to write a lot.

[sasad]

Of course you like getting 'I love you' and 'I miss you' messages, everyone does. What can you do in reply then, write 'I love you too', 'I miss you too', sorry, but this is boring, there is no motivation there for you to really try to anything for your SO. Guess what HE ALREADY knows that you love him. The reality is that texting is a game, it is SUPPOSED to be entertainment. If it is not fun, of course people won't text a lot. This is true at the beginning, the middle and the end of a relationship.

Bitter much?

It's not a game or entertainment . It's called communication. Obvioulsly, you ALREADY don't know that. I also think you are amazing for being able to get inside everyone's head and know what's boring! NOT

[whatruckus]

Of course you like getting 'I love you' and 'I miss you' messages, everyone does. What can you do in reply then, write 'I love you too', 'I miss you too', sorry, but this is boring, there is no motivation there for you to really try to anything for your SO. Guess what HE ALREADY knows that you love him. The reality is that texting is a game, it is SUPPOSED to be entertainment. If it is not fun, of course people won't text a lot. This is true at the beginning, the middle and the end of a relationship.

It really surprises me that you're in an LDR and you think texting is mere "entertainment" and a "game". I think you're the only person I have ever seen who thinks this way. Sorry, but no. The REALITY is that texting, emails, and talking are all forms of communication. Especially in an LDR. It's important.

I also don't think that even if he did make it "challeging" and like a "game", that it might not make her talk more. If he's been the one that is always initiating, and she's gotten stale with him, it's really just best for him to ask her straight up what's wrong. OP don't make excuses for her because you know she's "busy" and trying to hide you from her parents. There's something else underlying, that she's not telling you. Yes, she might be busy, but definitely not busy enough to say nothing to you. Can you email her?

[Miasmata]

Nobody will write to you more because you tell them to do so. You can't control what people do. What you can do is be more fun and more interesting so that they WANT to write to you. Incidentallly, if you feel rejected by someone you ACTUALLY want, THAT would be motivation for you to take steps to write more unless you're someone who gives up very easily. Just getting daily 'I love you' messages, telling you something you already know, are unlikely to excite anyone to write a lot.

Look, I really don't know how to say this any nicer, but if your partner's genuine expressions of love are boring to you, there's something wrong with you and/or the relationship.

This idea of making love and relationships a game and a chase is toxic as HELL. It comes from a notion that particularly pickup artists are fond of, namely the notion that relationships are inherently about power and dominance, not mutual love and enjoyment of each other. If you have to coerce someone into talking to you by "challenging them", something's seriously wrong with you and possibly the relationship. Love is not a transaction or a manipulative game, for crying out loud. Communicating honestly about your needs isn't "boring", it's NORMAL and HEALTHY.

We're all human beings, and therefor we all struggle with navigating social interactions in some fashion. We all have our individual baggage to carry, too. All of that can affect a relationship. For instance, someone might talk less because they are stressed, or dealing with mental health issues, or because a problem in the relationship came out that they don't know how to adress. Maybe a couple is getting complacent but still loves each other, and they're scared to admit it. Maybe someone is just settling for a less than ideal match because they're afraid they'll never find someone better. Maybe they're just legit busy and slipped on investing a bit of effort into communicating regularly. All of those are human reasons to struggle with communication, and all of them deserve being adressed reasonably instead of being treated with disdain and cynicism.

Your posts reveal a very unpleasant view of human interaction. Again, if you reject someone, they most likely won't feel challenged, they will feel rejected. You're not establishing dominance or something by withholding affection and attention from someone to teach them a lesson in communication. Withholding affection to make a point is messed up. You feel your conversations with your partner have gotten stale? TELL THEM. Work it out, encourage each other to talk more in depth, have things going on in your life that make for good conversation material. Invest genuine effort, and ask your partner to do the same. If you have actual respect for your partner, that kinda thing should go without saying. You don't sincerely respect and love someone and then manipulate them in the vain hope they'll do what you want. All you accomplish is being a prick, and making someone feel confused and alienated.

Relationships aren't powerplay. If you view them as such, I implore you to seriously overthink that. Loving someone is about respecting who they are, and treating them seriously, not like prey to be manipulated. Don't play with your partner. You know what humans usually play with? Toys. Objects. View your partner as a person, not a toy, for god's sake.

[C.C.]

Of course you like getting 'I love you' and 'I miss you' messages, everyone does. What can you do in reply then, write 'I love you too', 'I miss you too', sorry, but this is boring, there is no motivation there for you to really try to anything for your SO.

No. You don't define what is generally boring. No matter how many times my SO writes me "I love you" I never find it boring, I always find it sweet and caring and emotional. But you know what? I used to find it boring as hell and I felt awkward while replying it, in the past. When? When I was in a silly high school relationship and didn't really love the person. The frequency of certain messages or communication at all completely depends on individuals, I know. But calling something like that boring? Nope.

Guess what HE ALREADY knows that you love him. The reality is that texting is a game, it is SUPPOSED to be entertainment. If it is not fun, of course people won't text a lot. This is true at the beginning, the middle and the end of a relationship.

You are getting something wrong here. I do agree that it IS supposed to be entertaining and fun. And that people won't text a lot if it is not. But you are missing main point here. It already IS fun if it is done with the person you love or are interested in/connected with. You don't need to specifically make yourself interesting or challenging, you already ARE for the person who loves you, and if you aren't there's just no spark there. And doing it specifically like you described is just forced and artificial.
I used to have a classmate, she was really outgoing and had many friends. But guess what? I couldn't ever find topics she talked about interesting or couldn't invest to conversations, we were too different. Was she boring? No.

it's just what he's doing is kind of boring, to keep bombarding her with 'i love you' and 'I miss you' messages. She ALREADY knows he loves her!

Do you know how many times me and my So have had these types of conversations?
"-I am glad you told me that
-Wasn't it apparent?
-Yes, but hearing from you feels special"
(either of us saying this)
Why? Because there are things we need to be told more than once, we need to be reminded of and because they just feel good. This applies to "I love you"s, saying that something makes us happy, etc. Also, there are specific moments where we feel rush of feelings and I think it is important to express that, even if the other knows that it is so generally.
If we trust your logic we should say "I love you" only once and NEVER repeat it again, cause, we know it, right?

But I agree he shouldn't have to put up with the way he is being treated, I think he would be better off to confront her and then to go cold on her. If she wants him she will be in touch. Or, as you say, she doesn't, and he can move on.

Yeah, this is a fair point. I would not go cold on anyone, but I'd show my temper probably. But he is different, he is a patient type of guy and doing so would be not really 'him', imo. The choice is his, though.

The sad reality is that precisely in LDR we depend on texting and one of the great curses of this dependency is that it can become boring, especially if you keep saying the same thing which your SO already knows. If the texting were more fun and more challenging for his SO, she would be more likely to write more.

I have been talking with my SO for 4-5 months on every day basis and it has never become boring (fights and some unpleasant moments yes, but nothing actually boring). Our conversations have always been interesting and also there's one important thing: if you don't feel like talking, you just shouldn't.
But honestly, even just talking about nothing and just saying silly stuff or sending smileys feels good with my SO, cause I get to spend time with him.
She would maybe be more likely to write more, but it wouldn't change her feelings, and it wouldn't be this situation, OP would be someone he is not.

Nobody will write to you more because you tell them to do so. You can't control what people do.

You can't make anyone do something yes, but you can show them how not doing something particular makes you feel. And it is up to THEM to decide taking that into account or not, but communicating something you feel is not wrong, unless you are directly accusing someone of course.

What you can do is be more fun and more interesting so that they WANT to write to you.

What you can do is find someone who wants to write you because of who you ARE and not because of whom you ACT like to be.

Just getting daily 'I love you' messages, telling you something you already know, are unlikely to excite anyone to write a lot.

You are not writing someone to excite them and to make them write more. You are doing it to communicate. I am in a relationship with a guy whose culture doesn't really go well with casual conversations, but the purpose is not always getting a reply. There have been many moments where I have been really enthusiastic about something and he has said at some points that he enjoys reading it and me being like that a lot, but doesn't always feel like saying anything particular about it. But does it feel bad? Not in the slightest. The purpose of the conversation isn't getting as many replies as possible.

Also, we both know that this guy's situation is not about all that. She doesn't avoid writing him because she finds him boring, I am sure she has other reasons, which might as well be, as harsh as it sounds OP, her just losing the feelings she had but not knowing it HERSELF well enough Or her just not being in a state of mind to commit to the relationship, etc. I have no idea.
And I honestly think that bombarding with "I love you"s is bad idea only when you are being demanding (which I don't really think the OP was) not when you are just expressing what you feel.

P.S. There is one really really useful button on this site no one seems to use. Ever. Multiquote. I find it so weird all the time.

[whatruckus]

P.S. There is one really really useful button on this site no one seems to use. Ever. Multiquote. I find it so weird all the time.

I use it!!!!!

I was actually looking for a dance smiley, but then I saw the llama and got excited.

[hmrambling]

You guys started out texting 14 hours a day? Wow.

A relationship is about two whole people having full lives, then sharing those full lives. A relationship is not about two half people becoming one person. What does that mean?

Are you a student? If yes, go to school. Focus on school.
Are you gainfully employed? If yes, go to work and be present at work.
Have friends? If yes, spend time with them. Enjoy yourself.
Have hobbies? If yes, spend time on your hobbies.
Have interests? If yes, spend time on those things you are interested in.
Have internet? Read about the stages of relationships so that you will be knowledgeable about how relationships grow.
If you answered no to all of the above, change your life so that you can answer yes to some of these things.

Be a whole person so that you can be a whole person in a relationship. Become a priority and have a great relationship with yourself.

People lose themselves in relationships. Don't sit every moment wondering what she's doing. Stay busy. When you're not busy, contact her and share your day and ask her how her day way. Be interesting! Don't change for her. Better yourself for you.

If you are always contacting her, then it would seem like everything is one sided. When I am feeling needy and want contact or attention, I often find that there is something that I need to do to take care of myself. I can't hand all of my worth and power over to another person, or to allow them to define my worth, or change to suit them. Happiness is an inside job. If I have a full life and am working on my own happiness, then I am not constantly seeking attention from another person. However, if my SO never contacted me or made time to talk to me, then I could not stay in a relationship that my SO had no time for me ever.

I also don't have time to get caught up in games and chases and things like that. All I can do is be myself.

As for me and my SO, we text good morning each day and talk on the phone each night. I don't text hours on end or make up things to say for chases or games. I have a full life. I don't have time for chases, games, or texting hours on end.

[C.C.]

I use it!!!!!

I was actually looking for a dance smiley, but then I saw the llama and got excited.

Well, I mean new members mostly. I used to be active on vBulletin forum similar to this so it comes out so weird to me.

That looks so much better enlarged. I noticed it while posting but didn't really pay attention to it.
Llama <3

[GaryT]

Hm, thank you all for expressing your opinions, sorry I couldn't reply to you guys quicker.
Sadly, there are some points in here that I don't agree with, and some I agree with wholeheartedly. However, I shall take them all with glee.

I won't go into debate as to which ones I don't agree with as that makes me seem extremely ungrateful.

However, a quick update. We were able to Skype this weekend, which I was looking forward to on Friday as that's when she told me of the possibility. She has said that she waited until Friday to make sure that she could truly follow up with it, and so, while I am thankful for her consideration, a part of me also questioned the fact that if I had not reminded her that it had been 3 months since we last Skype, whether or not she would have brought it up with me at all.
Any who, she said that she would mostly be busy on Saturday and should have Sunday all to herself. We scheduled Saturday morning as well as the evening to Skype. The morning one fell through because she couldn't sleep the previous night and was tired. I did not mention anything, and told her that she should take care of herself as I am not there to, that we can always talk later and that she should sleep. She eventually fell asleep on me while texting, which I was glad as it means she is sleeping.
We were finally able to Skype in the evening for 2 hours, however, it was filled with empty silence for the most part as it seemed like she was distracted and had a lot of thoughts occupying her head, so I asked her what was wrong and we talked about that for a bit - details of which I will keep private as it's personal :3 Sorry.
On Sunday, I stayed up the entire night in hopes to catch her at a time in where she was able to Skype (our timezones are almost opposite, day = night, night = day), however, we never got a chance to Skype on Sunday. Mostly due to real life stuff to which I will not bore all of you with.

This left me quite disheartened as..well..while I am extremely grateful for the 2 hours, even in silence, it meant the world to me - I just wished we had more time together.

So far, since this Sunday, our conversation has picked up a bit, however, I am expecting it to die back down again - because..well..I have no reason to believe that it wouldn't. I know, how unkind of me to not believe in my SO will pull through and message me - I am mean like that >:P Joking aside, after being left 5 days without a single message a few times now, it has become a norm. for me - yes, I know it is extremely unhealthy, but, while I want more time with her, I have to respect the fact that she has a life, she should be able to live in it, instead of catering to my obsessive need for attention. In other words, while I crave time with her, I am more than willing to make myself miserable and let her have what she wants/needs.

During the weekend, I did confront her again, about why we weren't talking as much, and she gave me her usual reasons; that her parents wouldn't allow and that she was trying to give me distance because she thought my life would be better without her, to which I calmed those thoughts down.

-

On second thought, I shall voice my agreements and disagreements. Sorry Richard Maxwell.

Albeit, I am extremely grateful for your input, and while it is partially correct, in that she should have the time to message me at least once a day, this is far from a game to me, I do not want chase, I do not hope it becomes a chase. It is an extremely awful perspective to have on a proper relationship. You only give chase when you don't have something and want it. She does not need to give chase for my love, affection, time nor to earn the number one spot on my priority list. I hope, if this relationship does not work out, that my future SO will be showered with love and affection until she is sick of it, I hope that she sees that I worship the ground she walks on - regardless of whether she chases it or not. If she does not want my love and affection, I am sure she will tell me otherwise.. It's just who I am, I guess. While I am extremely grateful for your input, there's just some things that I can't agree upon.

Having the experience of successfully helping out 3 one-side relationships, and 4 marriages, has taught me that giving chase is something I wish my wife/SO will never have to do. She deserves my love and affection regardless of whether she returns it or not.

To me, texting is not a game, sorry. To me, texting is communicating with my SO, catching each other up on our days, being able to picture what it would be like to be with the person based on the day my SO has had and told me, cheering her up, and so much more - but no, texting is not a game to me.

I'm sorry that we do not share the same perspective on the matter, maybe for you everything you write holds true, but it does not for me. I am, however, extremely grateful for your perspective on it ^^ Thank you a million times over, and to everyone else who continues to comment and share your much valued advice, and opinions, as well

[whatruckus]

I'm glad that you guys were finally able to talk.

I do still feel like there's maybe something else that she's not telling you, but again, I do not know her personally. Just because, like I said before, she really can not be that busy that she can't message you something, anything, throughout the day. Even if she is hiding you from her parents, and real life things. She's not around her parents 24/7.

Is there a reason she feels like she needs to hide you from them? Is there a way you could Skype meet them? Set their minds at ease? How old is she again? I'm not sure if you mentioned that. Sorry if these are personal questions for me to be asking, it would just help me to try and maybe figure out why she doesn't talk to you as often as she should, and probably could.

5 days or so at a time without a message whatsoever is a lot, in my opinion. Even though my former SO and I are no longer together, we don't go that long. The most has been 3 - 4 days. Even when he was in the military while we were together, and he would be away for training during the summer for about a month, he would text me, or call me. So, I mean, that's another reason why I feel like she can't be that busy. Also, he's a Prison Guard, and goes out whenever he wants, and even with him working all the time, and going out, he still had time to text me something. Or, at least say good night to me.

[GaryT]

I'm glad that you guys were finally able to talk.

I do still feel like there's maybe something else that she's not telling you, but again, I do not know her personally. Just because, like I said before, she really can not be that busy that she can't message you something, anything, throughout the day. Even if she is hiding you from her parents, and real life things. She's not around her parents 24/7.

Is there a reason she feels like she needs to hide you from them? Is there a way you could Skype meet them? Set their minds at ease? How old is she again? I'm not sure if you mentioned that. Sorry if these are personal questions for me to be asking, it would just help me to try and maybe figure out why she doesn't talk to you as often as she should, and probably could.

Hehe, thanks

Mhm. It certainly feels that way. However, I guess a major part of it is that she still sees us being together in person as an unlikely thing, due to her parents not being accepting of me/us/guys - and while it is extremely nice for the both of us to dream of being together, I too agree that it is a bit on the unlikely side of things for that to happen. But like I told her, I would regret giving up so early if we some how do get the chance to be together.

Hm, what you say is true (in terms of not being able to be 'possibly' that busy), who knows to be honest, her response is always the same when I ask her.

It's not that she feels the need to hide, it's that her parents don't allow her to talk to guys. They once caught her talking to me and it ended our conversations on Kik for quite some time (She's only allowed on Kik now but are only able to talk to girls strictly). I have Skyped with her parents before, and..well..considering the fact that she has to hide me from them obviously suggests that I didn't set their mind at ease, nor will probably get the chance to any time soon (she comes from an extremely controlling family). She is the same age as me, I'm sorry for not mentioning it/forgetting to (22).

Not personal, no need to apologize

Yeah, 5 days without talking is hard and is a long time - I've seen couples struggle with 1 day without talking. However, no matter how much I wish it weren't true, it is..

[whatruckus]

Hm. Well she is 22. Well over the legal age in the States. She's free to do whatever she wants. I live in a controlling family as well, but the more I stand up to my parents (actually, it's mainly just my mom) the more she's realizing she really has no control over me. I can drive, I can get a job any where, I know how to cook and clean, I really don't need her as much as she thinks I do. So, in a way, your SO is enabling her parents to keep being controlling because she's letting them walk all over her. If she's serious about you and your relationship, and if you guys really want this to work, she really needs to start standing up to them. Is there a way she can move out? What's holding her back from getting her own place? I know living in Ohio is no where as expensive as it is where I live, one of the top most expensive states to live in the US. After all, she's 22. Is she financially dependent on them? Or, does she have familial responsibilities to them?

If not, and nothing is really holding her back, other than fear of her parents' reactions...she needs to leave. Or, she'll stay there forever and she'll never get married, or have a successful relationship. They can't dictate whom she can and can not talk to, or date.

She has options to get out of her house. Section 8 housing and welfare, if she can not afford it. She is holding herself back right now, no one else. She's deluded herself into thinking that she can't do anything on her own without her parents' permission (that's what typically happens in these types of situations). I mean, I'm like that to a certain extent, but like I said...I speak my mind a lot more than I used to.

Are her parents physically abusive? My mom used to be. She still slaps me sometimes, and it takes everything in me not to hit her back because she's still my mom and she's anemic. But, the verbal abuse is always still there when she gets mad (which is 90% of the time). She's more dependent on me because she can't drive.