confused, what should I do or say?

[kilr]

Hi everyone! I'm new here

I'm having a hard time right now and I need some advice from other LDR couples

My SO and I met in May 2014 while he was here in Panamá studying abroad, we got along super well and would spend lots of time together, thenhe left to the US and came back a month after, and it was amazing,he then came and surprised me in october. I was supposed to visit in december but my parents didn't let me travel so I couldnt. after that he came back in summer 2015 and stayed for almost 3 months. after that we had a few arguments because he was upset because I didn't visit him and people would make him feel like he was the only one making an effort to mantain the relationship. but he wasn't nasty and he didn't said ugly things to me.

Finally I went to visit him in December 2015, it was amazing he was happy bought me flowers, he would make comments like "we are finally a real couple" "let's buy our first house soon" " You will be mrs..." he was always proud and he would look at me as if I was magic as he has the world in front of him. I know he meant everything he said.

When I came back to Panama, 10 days later he asks me for a break, he said it took me too long to visit him and that he didnt wanted to resent me. the argument started because I was talking about my plans and he felt I didnt even asked him what did he wanted. he also feels he is holding me back which is not true but his brothers would always make comments that I was too much for him.

he keeps telling me that im his favorite person , that he wants to come visit me soon, that he loves to have me in his arms, that he loves me and misses me. he havent stopped talking to me, he says I'm trying to make money for our future. he also says I don't know everything he is going through there cause i'm not there, he also keeps telling me that I know him better than anyone and that he got lucky with me and tells me I'm amazing and deserve the best etc...

he is having troubles with his job and he can't buy a house because of it and doesn't have vacations. I want to tell him I love him and that I will support him and that I'm there for him and that we can make it through these difficult times but I don't know if I should please help!

[sasad]

There is something here that doesn't make sense..
Ok, so are you on a break or not?
Also, do you still live with your parents? You are 25 and they said you could not go on vacation?
Does your SO live at home as well?
That has got to be one of the silliest excuse for breaking up... Because you didn't visit fast enough?
He cant have it both ways.. you either are or you aren't together.
Why would you not tell him you love him etc?? Because you are on break?

[kilr]

He asked me for a break but talks to me every day and wants to see me etc..
I know it's a silly excuse and I have the feeling his family has something to do with it.
yes, we both live with our parents.
and I haven't told him what I feel etc because we are "on a break"

[whatruckus]

Yeah, what sasad said. We need a little more details, because right now this is all a little confusing.

From what I gathered, he seems to be pretty selfish and a little childish.

Edit: Okay, but that still makes no sense to me. I'm on a "break" myself with my SO, and I'm hanging on by a thread because he can't make up his mind what he wants. This is our second break, and this one has been ongoing for the past 3 months.

[kilr]

It doesn't make sense to me either, we had an amazing time in december. his family was nice to me but his brothers would make mean comments about how he wasn't enough for me and stuff like that, before I met them they weren't very happy with him having a long distance and also because I'm from another culture.
also his dad wants him to move out and he doesn't have a permanent job right now and can't afford to buy a house
he is super stressed about that and seems a little depressed.

I think is a little childish too.

[C.C.]

I don't really understand it too much either but it seems like if he's not lying to you, then he easily gets under his family's and surroundings' influence.
And I don't really get how your mother got in the way of you visiting him as well.

[sasad]

Ahhh it almost sounds like he is (childishly) trying to push you away. He appears to still want to be with you , but maybe because of his dad making him move out (rejection), he is almost trying to make you reject him as well.
Can you talk to him and basically say enough is enough... its time to put your big boy pans on. Tell him what you feel,, but stress that he needs to be accountable, mature and willing to communicate and move forward. I hate putting people on the spot, but ask him what he wants from you.. see where it goes.

[differentcountries]

It sounds to me like he panicked when he realized you had gone back after the amazing visit. My SO has been like that a couple of times, which I don't regard as childish but he has issues with being left since he has close family member who died and I am his first real gf.

"the argument started because I was talking about my plans and he felt I didnt even asked him what did he wanted. he also feels he is holding me back which is not true but his brothers would always make comments that I was too much for him."

This one is easy. Tell him that it was a misunderstanding and that indeed he was part of your plans, and that he needs to come forward with his wants and whishes (especially since you have no clear plan to close the distance).

Him saying he holds you back is just a nice way of saying that he needs confirmation that you think he deserves your love and that you see a future with him. You may need to have a real talk with him about this issue after you get back together, I know I had to several times. It is not easy if you are not used to be forthcoming with what you want and you are instead hoping for someone to read you - all the time. I sometimes tell SO "I am not God" - he is used to me "reading" what he wants, but I don't always know what is on his mind, especially not from afar, on a bad Skype connection!

[kilr]

yeah everytime he hangs out with his family and his "best friends" he always get sad and stressed about our relationship. he is a little insecure too.

[differentcountries]

It is not easy to stand up to the preassure of friends and family. we have had people badmouthing us from the start, especially in the beginning when neighter of us knew were we were going because it was too soon, it was hard to withstand it. If he doesn't have much money/vacation he might feel bad about the whole "man thing" as well, I know SO has been upset that he can't afford things.

[kilr]

It sounds to me like he panicked when he realized you had gone back after the amazing visit. My SO has been like that a couple of times, which I don't regard as childish but he has issues with being left since he has close family member who died and I am his first real gf.

"the argument started because I was talking about my plans and he felt I didnt even asked him what did he wanted. he also feels he is holding me back which is not true but his brothers would always make comments that I was too much for him."

This one is easy. Tell him that it was a misunderstanding and that indeed he was part of your plans, and that he needs to come forward with his wants and whishes (especially since you have no clear plan to close the distance).

Him saying he holds you back is just a nice way of saying that he needs confirmation that you think he deserves your love and that you see a future with him. You may need to have a real talk with him about this issue after you get back together, I know I had to several times. It is not easy if you are not used to be forthcoming with what you want and you are instead hoping for someone to read you - all the time. I sometimes tell SO "I am not God" - he is used to me "reading" what he wants, but I don't always know what is on his mind, especially not from afar, on a bad Skype connection!

Thanks, my friend thinks he panicked too, he doesn't know how to cope with long distance very well. especially cause he had a previous one and the girl left him. I guess I need to find courage and talk to him about it. because he isnt a bad bf, he has helped me a lot and I really don't want to lose him but I am so confused.

[C.C.]

It is not easy if you are not used to be forthcoming with what you want and you are instead hoping for someone to read you - all the time. I sometimes tell SO "I am not God" - he is used to me "reading" what he wants, but I don't always know what is on his mind, especially not from afar, on a bad Skype connection!

THIS.
Some guys, including mine, can have so much trouble with this at times. And it causes so much miscommunication and makes both parties feel awful when expectations aren't met. Until, of course, things are discussed properly and until it's made sure that there's no misunderstanding left anymore.

[kilr]

yeah that makes it difficult sometimes, I really wish he would open up more often and let me help him with what he is going through. Also I don't know what to do about his family cause he cares a lot about what they say.

[hmrambling]

Sometimes it's not for us to help them through what they are going through. Sometimes all I can do is listen to my partner. She talks through things and it helps her process things. I rarely offer my input unless she asks specifically. Venting can be good.

Sometimes when she vents, I say to myself, "is there a question mark at the end of that sentence? No. Well, she didn't ask for my input." And then I let her know that I'm there to listen.