New :) And could really use some advice!

[moondance]

Update:
We're on a break for a few days I guess. I understand, we've been in constant contact and it's sucked the balance out of both of our lives. Maybe this will push me to focus on getting my shit together and make him feel better too. I just really hope it's not the end. I have a horrible feeling that it is. So close to seeing eachother again, too.


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First off, hello everyone! I used to have an account here but I have no idea what the username was, so it's time to start over!!

I'm 26, female, living in the states, dating a 22 yo guy in Australia. So far things have been pretty good, he's visiting soon! We met in the states, but he's never been to my state. We're both excited and nervous.

The biggest issue right now is that I have been unemployed for 3 months, and it's been a massive drain on my mental health which is putting a strain on our relationship. He's been insanely supportive but it seems that I get overly defensive with him now over EVERYTHING. It's really affecting our communication. He's the one who called me out on it.

I feel like he's attacking me constantly, even though he assures me he isn't. He has a very dry sense of humor which I love, but not when I'm already in a bad place. I think it's low self-esteem on my part. Any time I don't spend looking for jobs I feel guilty for "wasting." including time talking to him. Today I sent him an article which he poo-pooed and it made me feel like shit. Over a difference of opinion on a stupid science article! My knee-jerk response to any level of disagreement is to lash out defensively and it's immature as hell.

I haven't been out much because I can't face people knowing that I don't have a job. Even for free events. This means lately I really don't talk to anyone but my SO. I think this is the main issue because it's creating a lot of pressure on our convos.

He does his best to be understanding. Today he'd had a bad day at work and instead of me being there for him we had another stupid fight because I couldn't push my own guilt over NOT having a job aside in time to empathize with him and didn't know what to say to make him feel better. I honestly don't even know why he sticks this out. He's 22, he could find someone with way less baggage, in his own country, even.

I just don't know how to deal with this. I have an interview next week and just the prospect of being employed again is giving me a huge relief, but I think that also made me realize how depressed I've really become in contrast. I want to be a source of support to him, and instead I'm dragging him with me.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? Any advice on tackling this?

[WarwickGuy]

Sorry to say I haven't been in a similar situation, but I think I can see some points to help you.

It's obvious that being unemployed is having a massive impact on your mental health, but it is good that you recognise that, even if you struggle to change that. This obviously leads to a lot of fights, but even if you're on a break it does not mean it's the end, although you have a better feel of the situation than any of us. It's a good time to focus on your goals (getting a job) to improve situation and make yourself happy, as being in a relationship isn't everything.

I know people do feel ashamed when they don't have a job and feel the pressure of people asking how job searching is going, but you need to go out and socialise, especially at those free events. The more you stay inside and limit your socialising, the worse you will feel and the worse your social skills will become, which will be detrimental to your efforts in obtaining a job (it becomes a downward cycle).

The reason he puts up with the situation (even if he argues unnecessarily on science articles) is because you obviously mean a lot to him. He's prepared to put up with any problems you have as he wants to be there for you; it doesn't matter if he could find someone else. I don't know the full extent of your conversations, but I know in my situation too, sometimes as a guy you want to say things to your gf to encourage her to help her succeed, but if their attitude to the topic is negative then it's impossible to do so, because it'll lead to fights and emotional guilt trips, even if in the long term it benefits for them to hear such things.

P.S. As a tip, I wouldn't recommend telling him you feel like you're wasting time you could be searching for jobs by talking to him. It'll make him feel bad and make the relationship more strained.

[moondance]

I appreciate your feedback. Thankyou! I read it shortly after you posted and it helped me to calm down a bit. He caved on the "break" pretty early and we had a long talk and ironed some things out. In the end it brought us closer, he opened up about his own feelings too which was nice. It's so easy to feel sorry for yourself but when you see/hear how it's affecting someone you love it's that much more of a kick in the butt to do something about it.