I need some help :/

[Louna1212]

Hello everyone!
I'm new to LDRs and I do need some help
I'm a 19 y.o girl, a first year college student. I've been friends with this guy I met on a RP since last May and we got super close starting from December, we were texting everyday and had a few phone calls; and that was when I found out that I actually had a big crush on him. I didn't say anything cuz I was worried I would lose my friend (I know, that was stupid) but hopefully he was braver and told me he has feelings for me this January and everything just went super fast after that.
We already did get our share of hard moments as well, but I think things are getting better and much more serious.
The thing is that... he was actually the one helping me to hold on to the relationship and not giving up... but now I'm worried that if ever something like what happened happens again, or if he ever wants to breakup (my last relationship was a mess and I'm always worried about breakups) I wouldn't be able to hold onto him or anything like "fight for him" and stuff like that... At least not for the moment

So my questions are :
- How can I stop worrying about this? And should I tell him about that? Is it bad that I'm too scared and not ready to fight for this relationship yet?
- I know 3 months are quite short, but isn't it also too short for conflicts as well?
(It wasn't really a conflict, it was about one of the girls he used to know that he planned to visit two weeks ago ; but I've been feeling really unsecure since then.)
- And finally, he said he'll be visiting this summer and I want to help out with organizing and stuff... how can I bring it up again and ask if I can help him? And... that wouldn't sound too clingy or needy, right?

[MissingMyDutchLove]

I really don't understand what the problem is here. You're concerned because you have been dating for three months and are not at the point that you would fight for your relationship if your SO broke up with you? ...Okay? You're just getting to know your SO. LD makes it that much harder. Stop looking for problems where there aren't any.

[WarwickGuy]

I'm a little confused too...

Has he given you reasons to be concerned that you're going to break up? If no, then don't worry. Can you think of things he has done that make you think he is a great SO and treating you how you want to be treated? Then there's your reason not to worry, if he does, he obviously likes you a lot and you hopefully feel special to him. If you're feeling insecure, you should tell him about these feelings, even if gradually, as it is part of finding out what the other person is like, knowing their likes, dislikes and fears.

You've only been dating three months, which can feel like a lifetime in itself, but does not mean you are that deep commitment stage. In terms of fighting for the relationship, what do you mean? You don't think the relationship is important enough to fight for it? If so, that's fine. You want to fight for the relationship, but don't feel strong enough to tell him that if he walked away? Then you need to find a way to vocalise your concerns so he knows how much he means to you. You're worried about breaking up and if you do breakup you think it's just an inevitability and there's nothing you can do about it? That's wrong and you can't let that feeling dominate, in that situation you should fight for the relationship.

3 months is short, but when it comes to anyone's SO hanging out with the sex (or sexes) they find attractive, that 'conflict' can happen from day one. The only difference is SOs should be considerate of each other's feelings on the matter (although not over the top). Out of interest, what happened? Did he visit the girl? Did he tell you details about who she was? What was the result of the conflict? All those have to be taken into consideration. If he's been considerate about how you feel, then you should feel confident that he takes things seriously.

On plans for summer you could steer the conversation in the direction of what he (or you) are doing for summer and see if he brings it up. If he doesn't you could mention how you really hope to see him soon. If he catches the bait then you can say how you want to help him organise the trip.

[Louna1212]

I really don't understand what the problem is here. You're concerned because you have been dating for three months and are not at the point that you would fight for your relationship if your SO broke up with you? ...Okay? You're just getting to know your SO. LD makes it that much harder. Stop looking for problems where there aren't any.

I'm a little confused too...
You're worried about breaking up and if you do breakup you think it's just an inevitability and there's nothing you can do about it? That's wrong and you can't let that feeling dominate, in that situation you should fight for the relationship.

First of all, thank you guys! I really appreciate that you took time to reply on my thread.

Yes WarwickGuy. I think that's the best way to explain how I'm feeling. I felt (and still do) really helpless about that. I tried my best to get rid of that feeling but it has been haunting me since he told me about that girl.

What he actually said was that he likes me a lot and is thinking about a future with me, but he's worried that he would hurt me... cause he's still distracted by other local girls.
I thought that it was only normal (and told him that) cause we're still at the very beginning of the relationship and still need to figure out and decide about what will happen next ; but he repeated that again weeks after and that's when I started feeling like this.

Out of interest, what happened? Did he visit the girl? Did he tell you details about who she was? What was the result of the conflict? All those have to be taken into consideration. If he's been considerate about how you feel, then you should feel confident that he takes things seriously.

Yeah he did. He said she was one of his old friends. I was a bit jealous but really happy that he wanted to meet a high school friend but then he said "she's naughty" literally, like that, and I didn't know how to react. I asked if he means he thinks he will do things with her and he said he's worried that he would.
I just took that as him wanting to breakup and asked him later (with lots of difficulties) about whether he really did want to breakup. He said that he never thought about that and that he just was trying to be as honest as he promised he will. When he came back from the visit I did ask him about it. He said they just spent time together and that they did nothing but they also were never alone (??? :/ )

He IS really good to me and very considerate, it feels amazing when we call/skype and I feel really comfortable around him but still... this...
I don't think I'm overreacting cause I know no girl would want to hear something like this from someone who says he loves her and whom she loves a lot. What I'm asking is whether you think there's a possible way to solve this anytime soon? Do you think commitment will get "deeper" someday? Or should I just...

Thank you so much! ^_^

[sasad]

What he actually said was that he likes me a lot and is thinking about a future with me, but he's worried that he would hurt me... cause he's still distracted by other local girls.
I thought that it was only normal (and told him that) cause we're still at the very beginning of the relationship and still need to figure out and decide about what will happen next ; but he repeated that again weeks after and that's when I started feeling like this.




Yeah he did. He said she was one of his old friends. I was a bit jealous but really happy that he wanted to meet a high school friend but then he said "she's naughty" literally, like that, and I didn't know how to react. I asked if he means he thinks he will do things with her and he said he's worried that he would.
I just took that as him wanting to breakup and asked him later (with lots of difficulties) about whether he really did want to breakup. He said that he never thought about that and that he just was trying to be as honest as he promised he will. When he came back from the visit I did ask him about it. He said they just spent time together and that they did nothing but they also were never alone (??? :/ )

He IS really good to me and very considerate, it feels amazing when we call/skype and I feel really comfortable around him but still... this...
I don't think I'm overreacting cause I know no girl would want to hear something like this from someone who says he loves her and whom she loves a lot. What I'm asking is whether you think there's a possible way to solve this anytime soon? Do you think commitment will get "deeper" someday? Or should I just...

Thank you so much! ^_^[/QUOTE]



Um..... wow... I am "naughty" and when I am it means I am thinking and doing my SO...(sexually)

1)So, he is distracted by local girls
2)Hangs out with his "naughty" friend AND is worried he may do things with her..
3)They did nothing because they were never alone..

Yes, he IS being honest. He is telling you he will most likely go out with other women. And if you are ok with that, then stay with him.

I would drop his azz like a hot potato. I don't share.

[whatruckus]

I'm sorry, but why would you even put up with someone like this? He hangs out with a girl who claims that she is "naughty", he admits that he's distracted easily by local girls, and then admits that if he hangs out with them that he may do stuff with them?

So, basically he's admitting to you that he can't be trusted to be a one-woman guy. My former SO had a best friend who was a girl, and he used to hang out with her and go out to eat and stuff. I trusted him. He made me feel like I could trust him and said nothing would ever happen between them. Guess what? Nothing did because he promised it to me, and knew himself, and trusted himself, enough to know that he could control himself. That he was committed to our relationship enough to not let other women distract him, or even pop up on his radar.

If you're good with him being polyamorous, then okay. But, if you're not, and it seems like you're not, then you should probably re-evaluate whether or not you should be with someone like him.

[WarwickGuy]

I'm going to have to go down the same line as sasad and whatruckus. His apparent honesty has given you the chance to make a decision on this. First question is are you happy with polygamy, with your boyfriend getting with others? If yes, then that's fine and something could develop.

But, I have a feeling your answer is no. In which case, regardless of his honesty, the best option would be the one you don't want to do, but would be best for you. The reason is if he's distracted by other girls and if when he spends time with other girls he can't guarantee he won't do stuff with them, then there's no guarantee that will change; in fact he's more likely to test the water, try and then do it more and more if you allow him. It depends on your relationship's current state too. If my gf when we started going on dates had been dating other people I wouldn't be too offended (depending what she did with them), but the second the titles of boyfriend and girlfriend were in place, then if she told me what your SO has told you, then I would be annoyed, hurt and decide it was best to break it off.

He says he loves you. That may well be the case, but in that case he obviously doesn't consider monogamy as something he follows; you would have to discuss this. Secondly, and I'm sorry to be blunt, there are many men who think they can get everything they want and try to control their SO through poor reasoning and emotional tricks. If he claims to be monogamous and loves you, yet is not prepared to put himself in a situation where is physically exclusive with you, then he's not worth it.

[C.C.]

Well, I don't really thing it has anything to do with polyamory necessarily. Doing stuff with other women doesn't mean you won't stay still at the top, but it does mean that you will have to share him with other women.
I don't think he wants to trick you or anything, either. He's being honest about it and doesn't seem like a bad person or anything. But you aren't overreacting, you have to make a choice, stay with him and share or move on and find someone else who will be completely yours.