Would you end it in these circumstances?

[RichardMaxwell]

Hi Everyone, I'm a male from Europe and my SO is a 25 yr old female from the Philippines. We were texting for 4 months and I then flew to the Phil and we spent 16 wonderful days together. Just after I left she sent me a wonderful email saying she was so lucky she found me, she's looking forward to spending the rest of her life with me, that we're perfect for each other, that she will always be there for me, she loves me, you get the idea. Things were perfect. However, within the space of 4 weeks things have taken a marked turn for the worse.

Initially without telling me she considered going to work in a factory in Taiwan. This was because she lives with her large family who are in financial difficulties so, as the oldest child, she took it upon herself to solve this problem. She knew that if she did that we could not spend time texting each other, doing video calls, or even meeting on holidays. She wouldn't have holidays (Yes, that's how it works in factories in Taiwan for migrant workers), she'd leave in a communal bunk bedroom where she wouldn't be allowed to have her mobile on from a certain time and she'd basically be working long hours.

She was obviously not happy about having to do this, but saw nothing else she could do with her life to solve the financial problems of her family. This existential crisis affected our relationship, it started with an innocent remark about me saying how much 'fun' she was when we met being misconstrued into 'so I'm just fun to you' and her not texting for five days. When she came back on we discussed her Taiwan plan and I of course tried to tell her not to go, so I was not 'supporting her' in her view. We then had an argument because I wanted her to change her Facebook relationship status to 'in a relationship'. She didn't want to do it. However, she told me she did so for her Ex. When I heard that I made it clear that I needed her to change it or I would have walked away. She reluctantly did change it then without telling me, though she did say I was 'getting complicated' and 'we have a long way to go really'. She then disappeared for 5 days again.

Turns out without telling me she flew to Manila to sign up with an agency to get this factory job in Taiwan. Though I sent her messages she ignored them. Finally she sent brief one word messages once a day. Then six word messages. Then two eight word messages. We had a brief conversation where I asked her if she still wanted us to be together. She said she did. I had offered to get a job in the UK and to bring her to Europe with me and then to help her parents. She didn't like the idea as it made her feel 'useless' but she started reading my messages again. Though not replying immediately, only at night at 10, 11 or 12 at night, when her day was over and she was bored. In her defence however, she did claim she had food poisoning and fever, and I believe her.

The last I was told is that she is going back home so I assume her Taiwan plan has come to an end, though it's hard to be sure as she is basically excluding me from her real thoughts and day to day experience, apart from telling me she's sick.

It is very sad to me that things have deteriorated so badly so quickly, when on Valentine's Day our love was clear and simple. Due to this existential crisis she has taken some space for herself and she was sick. But how should I proceed? Should I be confrontational when she returns? To tell the truth, I don't deserve to be in a relationship with someone who can not find 30 second in the day to text me. However, she still says she wants us to be together, and there are always days when she is her wonderful old self again. The way I am being treated is really tearing at the fabric of my love however. Maybe I should end it?

[Elizabeth123]

First Welcome to LFAD!
Now

This existential crisis affected our relationship

this is a very real and immediate problem for your SO..it's her family.
You are not in charge of her or her decisions and you have no say in how she as an adult helps her family. If you were her spouse then you might have more input but after only four months?...No
This relationship is in it's early days...there are many ups and downs to negotiate and learn about together.
How are you offering support...? (Not demanding actions/texts/changing Facebook)
By the way...if Facebook is important to your relationship I suggest you reevaluate that idea.
This is critical in any relationship...communication and listening...you don't solve problems by creating more and putting more stress on her.

[R&R]

Hi Everyone, I'm a male from Europe and my SO is a 25 yr old female from the Philippines. We were texting for 4 months and I then flew to the Phil and we spent 16 wonderful days together. Just after I left she sent me a wonderful email saying she was so lucky she found me, she's looking forward to spending the rest of her life with me, that we're perfect for each other, that she will always be there for me, she loves me, you get the idea. Things were perfect. However, within the space of 4 weeks things have taken a marked turn for the worse.

Initially without telling me she considered going to work in a factory in Taiwan. This was because she lives with her large family who are in financial difficulties so, as the oldest child, she took it upon herself to solve this problem. She knew that if she did that we could not spend time texting each other, doing video calls, or even meeting on holidays. She wouldn't have holidays (Yes, that's how it works in factories in Taiwan for migrant workers), she'd leave in a communal bunk bedroom where she wouldn't be allowed to have her mobile on from a certain time and she'd basically be working long hours.

She was obviously not happy about having to do this, but saw nothing else she could do with her life to solve the financial problems of her family. This existential crisis affected our relationship, it started with an innocent remark about me saying how much 'fun' she was when we met being misconstrued into 'so I'm just fun to you' and her not texting for five days. When she came back on we discussed her Taiwan plan and I of course tried to tell her not to go, so I was not 'supporting her' in her view. We then had an argument because I wanted her to change her Facebook relationship status to 'in a relationship'. She didn't want to do it. However, she told me she did so for her Ex. When I heard that I made it clear that I needed her to change it or I would have walked away. She reluctantly did change it then without telling me, though she did say I was 'getting complicated' and 'we have a long way to go really'. She then disappeared for 5 days again.

Turns out without telling me she flew to Manila to sign up with an agency to get this factory job in Taiwan. Though I sent her messages she ignored them. Finally she sent brief one word messages once a day. Then six word messages. Then two eight word messages. We had a brief conversation where I asked her if she still wanted us to be together. She said she did. I had offered to get a job in the UK and to bring her to Europe with me and then to help her parents. She didn't like the idea as it made her feel 'useless' but she started reading my messages again. Though not replying immediately, only at night at 10, 11 or 12 at night, when her day was over and she was bored. In her defence however, she did claim she had food poisoning and fever, and I believe her.

The last I was told is that she is going back home so I assume her Taiwan plan has come to an end, though it's hard to be sure as she is basically excluding me from her real thoughts and day to day experience, apart from telling me she's sick.

It is very sad to me that things have deteriorated so badly so quickly, when on Valentine's Day our love was clear and simple. Due to this existential crisis she has taken some space for herself and she was sick. But how should I proceed? Should I be confrontational when she returns? To tell the truth, I don't deserve to be in a relationship with someone who can not find 30 second in the day to text me. However, she still says she wants us to be together, and there are always days when she is her wonderful old self again. The way I am being treated is really tearing at the fabric of my love however. Maybe I should end it?

I am not holding back on this reply, FYI. She is a 25 year old woman who was trying to do the right thing to help and support her family. She was stressed, struggling and had much more important things on her mind than your brand-new relationship. She's worried about the finance's of her large family and you are worried about your Facebook relationship status????

No, you were not being supportive. This whole entire thing was about you and not her. You were trying to be controlling, be demanding, giving ultimatums and basically throwing and adult temper tantrum for not getting your way. Even in asking what you should do "Should I be confrontational?" Seriously? She's excluding you because all you do is make her situation worse and you aren't being helpful or supportive.

If she had come on this forum asking for help and described you and your actions as you have described them yourself, I would tell that poor girl to break it off with you and not look back. You have a LOT of growing up to do. You need to learn about give and take in a relationship. You need to learn that sometimes your needs have to go on the back burner because something in your SO's life in incredibly more important at that time. You have to learn to not be controlling. If you were dating one of my daughters and treating them like this, that relationship would be over in about 2 seconds. You need to look at yourself, do some real soul-searching and reevaluating on how YOU treat people.

[RichardMaxwell]

First Welcome to LFAD!
Now this is a very real and immediate problem for your SO..it's her family.
You are not in charge of her or her decisions and you have no say in how she as an adult helps her family. If you were her spouse then you might have more input but after only four months?...No
This relationship is in it's early days...there are many ups and downs to negotiate and learn about together.
How are you offering support...? (Not demanding actions/texts/changing Facebook)
By the way...if Facebook is important to your relationship I suggest you reevaluate that idea.
This is critical in any relationship...communication and listening...you don't solve problems by creating more and putting more stress on her.

Thanks for the honest and forthright perspective.

Facebook itself was not hugely important to me, it was the fact that she changed her relationship status for her ex but refused to do it for me that made me insist on this being done. However, I do take your point, that I was being demanding, though at that point it was not clear that she would actually be flying to Manila 3 days later, so I didn't know how deep her existential shift really was.

Communication is crucial, I quite agree, but she hardly writes anymore, barely once or twice a day now.

[RichardMaxwell]

I am not holding back on this reply, FYI. She is a 25 year old woman who was trying to do the right thing to help and support her family. She was stressed, struggling and had much more important things on her mind than your brand-new relationship. She's worried about the finance's of her large family and you are worried about your Facebook relationship status????

No, you were not being supportive. This whole entire thing was about you and not her. You were trying to be controlling, be demanding, giving ultimatums and basically throwing and adult temper tantrum for not getting your way. Even in asking what you should do "Should I be confrontational?" Seriously? She's excluding you because all you do is make her situation worse and you aren't being helpful or supportive.

If she had come on this forum asking for help and described you and your actions as you have described them yourself, I would tell that poor girl to break it off with you and not look back. You have a LOT of growing up to do. You need to learn about give and take in a relationship. You need to learn that sometimes your needs have to go on the back burner because something in your SO's life in incredibly more important at that time. You have to learn to not be controlling. If you were dating one of my daughters and treating them like this, that relationship would be over in about 2 seconds. You need to look at yourself, do some real soul-searching and reevaluating on how YOU treat people.

Thanks for your forthright perspective. Just to clarify I was not 'worried' about our FB rel status, I just mentioned it in passing and when she declined to change it I asked if she changed it for her ex. When she confirmed she did, credit to her honesty, I then and only then insisted she do it for me too, not because FB is so crucial to me, but only because I could not bear her doing things for another man, but not for me.

You are right though, I did add to her problems and I do have to learn to be less controlling. I appreciate your honest appraisal. Thanks.

[WarwickGuy]

Taking from what the other two have said and your own admission of the problems, then you can work on improving things.

You said she's only messaging you only once or twice a day, so when she is make sure you're supportive, making sure she knows that you're impressed by her helping her family and that you want to support her, while at the same time giving her some break from it e.g. a joke or telling her she's beautiful. She needs a partner to support her and if she feels more and more she can talk to you, she'll be more likely to jump on her phone/internet (when possible) to tell you what's happening and to seek your support.

I know the feeling of insecurity can be strong, but definitely work on that, as it will hurt your relationship. As others say, communication is key and if she isn't available to talk to, try focusing on your work, study, social life, or hobbies, so you're not worrying too much about what's happening with her. You can then worry when she then messages you (worry meaning show concern and sympathy to her situation, not your own).

P.S. It is tough for migrant workers going to most countries in East Asia, but you should be aware that's the work culture for a lot of them. I had an Italian friend who worked in Singapore for 3 months, with 12 hour days being the norm and one of my gf's friends in Taiwan rarely leaves work before 7pm and during the busy period had to work till 11pm/midnight. They were/are both doing graduate business jobs. So be aware that there's a chance she will have to work heavy hours regardless of where she goes.

[RichardMaxwell]

Taking from what the other two have said and your own admission of the problems, then you can work on improving things.

You said she's only messaging you only once or twice a day, so when she is make sure you're supportive, making sure she knows that you're impressed by her helping her family and that you want to support her, while at the same time giving her some break from it e.g. a joke or telling her she's beautiful. She needs a partner to support her and if she feels more and more she can talk to you, she'll be more likely to jump on her phone/internet (when possible) to tell you what's happening and to seek your support.

I know the feeling of insecurity can be strong, but definitely work on that, as it will hurt your relationship. As others say, communication is key and if she isn't available to talk to, try focusing on your work, study, social life, or hobbies, so you're not worrying too much about what's happening with her. You can then worry when she then messages you (worry meaning show concern and sympathy to her situation, not your own).

P.S. It is tough for migrant workers going to most countries in East Asia, but you should be aware that's the work culture for a lot of them. I had an Italian friend who worked in Singapore for 3 months, with 12 hour days being the norm and one of my gf's friends in Taiwan rarely leaves work before 7pm and during the busy period had to work till 11pm/midnight. They were/are both doing graduate business jobs. So be aware that there's a chance she will have to work heavy hours regardless of where she goes.

That sounds like excellent advice, thanks.

When we had discussed the possibility of her leaving to work in Taiwan I in fact researched what conditions are like in factories in Taiwan and there appeared some real horror stories on the web, some, not all Taiwan factories were notorious for very poor labour practices, not just long hours, but mouldy communal bedrooms, strict rules on what can be used there in terms of phones, and arbitrary shift changes. I therefore tried to dissuade my SO strongly from becoming a factory girl in a Taiwan factory, as I thought it was for her own good. Also because I can help her with her financial difficulties and repeatedly offered to do so, but she always declines and wants to solve the problem herself. My understanding is that she has now changed her mind on going to Taiwan and we are on better terms again, so I hope I can be the one to earn the money she needs going forward. Thank you for your input on working practices in Asia which I read with the greatest interest.

[WarwickGuy]

That sounds like excellent advice, thanks.

When we had discussed the possibility of her leaving to work in Taiwan I in fact researched what conditions are like in factories in Taiwan and there appeared some real horror stories on the web, some, not all Taiwan factories were notorious for very poor labour practices, not just long hours, but mouldy communal bedrooms, strict rules on what can be used there in terms of phones, and arbitrary shift changes. I therefore tried to dissuade my SO strongly from becoming a factory girl in a Taiwan factory, as I thought it was for her own good. Also because I can help her with her financial difficulties and repeatedly offered to do so, but she always declines and wants to solve the problem herself. My understanding is that she has now changed her mind on going to Taiwan and we are on better terms again, so I hope I can be the one to earn the money she needs going forward. Thank you for your input on working practices in Asia which I read with the greatest interest.

That's alright. It's nice that you're prepared to help her out, but is also admirable that she wants to do her best to work hard and help her family. I can imagine the conditions would be terrible in the factories and that as the migrant workers they would be given the least desirable (to put it nicely) jobs. It's not something to wish on your gf or anyone, just remember that if the reality is that she needs a job and won't accept your money, she'll have to find a job somewhere. I hope it goes well for you two in the coming months

[R&R]

Thanks for your forthright perspective. Just to clarify I was not 'worried' about our FB rel status, I just mentioned it in passing and when she declined to change it I asked if she changed it for her ex. When she confirmed she did, credit to her honesty, I then and only then insisted she do it for me too, not because FB is so crucial to me, but only because I could not bear her doing things for another man, but not for me.

You are right though, I did add to her problems and I do have to learn to be less controlling. I appreciate your honest appraisal. Thanks.

Keep in mind, these are two different relationships. Every situation and scenario is going to be different, as well as the reasons behind them.

I had an SO who would go on because "you did that for _______ and not for me". Well the situations were very different. What he didn't appreciate was that he wasn't working so I made all the trips to him and paid for him to come visit me, I put together his 2-year old daughters entire birthday party because he couldn't do it (including all of her presents), I paid for the drug testing to happen when he took his baby's mama back to court, I made sure his cell phone stayed active so he could always be in contact with his daughter and I could go on. Instead of looking at all I did do, he chose to look at what I didn't. He's one of the very few ex's I haven't stayed friends with because he had way too many issues for me to want to maintain anything with him. Don't compare - it's a no-win situation.

[differentcountries]

Initially without telling me she considered going to work in a factory in Taiwan. This was because she lives with her large family who are in financial difficulties so, as the oldest child, she took it upon herself to solve this problem. She knew that if she did that we could not spend time texting each other, doing video calls, or even meeting on holidays. She wouldn't have holidays (Yes, that's how it works in factories in Taiwan for migrant workers), she'd leave in a communal bunk bedroom where she wouldn't be allowed to have her mobile on from a certain time and she'd basically be working long hours.

I date someone who left his family, moved across the country (a whole day's travel if he goes by bus) at 16/18 to support himself (his dad had recently died at that point and he had 5 siblings, his aunt and grandmum living with his mum) to work rough shifts. During the season he usually can't get even one day off, works 10-12 hour shifts and once a week works around the clock. He lived in communal bunk bedrooms all this time until he met me and he barely has time to text/Skype/call in high season... well, that is just the way it is. It is not an existentional crisis.

It is simply how we have lived together the 2 1/2 years we have dated. Part of this time we have rented together, at a high cost for me, a cost I no longer can take because we are working towards closing the distance in the future. The way I am being treated is; through all of this he is trying so very hard to support himself. Throughout it all he keeps his dignity. The ONE day in season that he had time off shines like a beacon of how happy he was to take time off, just that one time to spend with me at sea, he says it is one of his favourite days as an adult, that is how appreciative he is. Throughout it all he wants to be my date, my darling, my lover and my heart. And I can't comprehend why supporting oneself would be a reason to get dumped. I have only the utmost respect for my SO, his workmates and really anyone who makes it through circumstances that I am lucky enough to not consider in my own life.

There are people worse off than we are. Couples who are both nationals but far away and were the other person have very little money for visits, or hotel. We are incredibly lucky to see each other so much as we have, even if for us our visits will probably be reduced this year by at least 50 %. Such is life; things change. I know that I have my SOs respect for putting up with changes and not being a spoilt princess about it, but rather go with the flow and making the best out of what happens.

You are not being "treated" in any bad way; she is poor and in need of money, and the sooner you comprehend what that means, the better, because those are the very real circumstances she lives under, and it affects everything in her life.

There have been times where my SO has been too tired to text me. There have been times we have texted and he had suddenly stopped, and he has simply fallen asleep from being tired. When he is not in his work town working, he is in his home town doing manual farm labour with shit internet connection and no money. And while those are not the best circumstances, his personality is NOT his circumstances. I know he is a trooper and he works very hard. I treasure that he wants to do his best. I also know that he sometimes sends his family money and I encourage him to do that, because I know they need it, even if that affects our economy it means so much for him to be able to help them and I also love his family and want the best for them. I know he blames himself for not making more money for them and us, and not having time and energy and creativity I would prefer for our relationship. I would not dream of adding more fuel to the fire by suggesting that "the way he treated me was tearing our love apart"! I have called him on it when he has been especially distant, which he was in the fall. But even then, I told him in no unclear terms that I had no intentions of breaking up with him, as long as he wanted to be with me. Because what kind of coward would I be for giving up so easily on a man I love?

It is no wonder she doesn't want you to help her get a job in the EU; you have known her less than 6 months! And if she wants to come to Europe to work, there are potentional visa issues, especially since you are not married (unless there is favourable visa laws between your country and hers. But generally the EU disaproves of people coming from Asia to work, as EU rules benifits the free flow of work force in Europe only). We are looking to get a job for SO in my country, we have known each other for years and he has also visited here and that is when he met his potentional employer, even so I work really hard to make it happen, so there is no way you can fix a job for her right now to help her current cash flow problem. You also don't have a say in how she keeps herself and her family fed just yet. I am guessing she longs for you to get the preassure she is under. You say she is less fun now, but being understood is sexy. If you care for her, you will listen to what she has to say, even if it doesn't make sense to you right away. This is a learning uppertunity for you to get to know her more, and for you both to demonstrate that you can work together as a team to solve problems. Start by being kind. No matter the passion, you also need to be kind.

[MissingMyDutchLove]

Thanks for your forthright perspective. Just to clarify I was not 'worried' about our FB rel status, I just mentioned it in passing and when she declined to change it I asked if she changed it for her ex. When she confirmed she did, credit to her honesty, I then and only then insisted she do it for me too, not because FB is so crucial to me, but only because I could not bear her doing things for another man, but not for me.

You are right though, I did add to her problems and I do have to learn to be less controlling. I appreciate your honest appraisal. Thanks.

I am not going to talk about the other stuff. I feel like the others have it pretty well handled and I would second everything they say. What I do have to say is that this sentence makes my skin crawl. So everything that she's ever done for another male (be that lover, friend, or family), she is expected to do for you? Damn. Where is her autonomy? Okay, sure..you wrote it wrong. You just mean that if she did it for someone she was with before she should be able to do it for you. Yeah, okay I get it. You don't want to be seen as second best or that she loved someone else more than you. But guess what? She probably did. You guys haven't been together that long. Love grows. If she was with someone else for a while then it's safe to say that she probably loved him and that she probably isn't there with you yet. That is her right. In fact, I wouldn't want someone to do anything for me "just because" they did it for an ex. I would rather someone do something for me because THEY want to.

[sasad]

Damn. That was long DC. Can we get a short version with your exact answer instead of a story of ? Hehe I forgot my glasses today

[RichardMaxwell]

That's alright. It's nice that you're prepared to help her out, but is also admirable that she wants to do her best to work hard and help her family. I can imagine the conditions would be terrible in the factories and that as the migrant workers they would be given the least desirable (to put it nicely) jobs. It's not something to wish on your gf or anyone, just remember that if the reality is that she needs a job and won't accept your money, she'll have to find a job somewhere. I hope it goes well for you two in the coming months

Thank you. You know you're right, it is admirable of her to want to step up and support a family of seven, it is heroic even as she knows she would lose this fight. She would get paid 1000 USD and her plan was to send 500 to her family. Even if she could do that it would not be a solution, as the financial issues of her family would continue and in the best case scenario she would throw her life away being a factory girl in Taiwan for years, and in the worst case scenario would return home after a few years with nothing on her CV to help her family's continuing financial issues.

The thing is she does not have to do this. I can earn many times what she would earn as I am a qualified lawyer with a strong CV. I can send 500 USD to her family every month and put aside another 500 USD for her to study. No need to go into debt for her to pay a 1000 USD agency placement fee, no need to spend years assembling electronics in a factory in Taiwan. However, she does not want to be dependent financially on a man, clearly her concern is that if we have a fight she may be back at square one. It is a delicate situation at the moment.

Whilst her stubborn insistence on going it alone may well be admirable, heroic even, it appears that her ambitions outstrip her means to bring about the desired result really. I look at it this way, how to achieve the desirable result, ie get her family the money it needs and enable her to do what she wants to do with her life. I can help her do both, but she does not want to take the leap of faith to take a chance on me I believe. Though if the aim is to achieve a simple result it would be straight forward to do so.

[RichardMaxwell]

Keep in mind, these are two different relationships. Every situation and scenario is going to be different, as well as the reasons behind them.

I had an SO who would go on because "you did that for _______ and not for me". Well the situations were very different. What he didn't appreciate was that he wasn't working so I made all the trips to him and paid for him to come visit me, I put together his 2-year old daughters entire birthday party because he couldn't do it (including all of her presents), I paid for the drug testing to happen when he took his baby's mama back to court, I made sure his cell phone stayed active so he could always be in contact with his daughter and I could go on. Instead of looking at all I did do, he chose to look at what I didn't. He's one of the very few ex's I haven't stayed friends with because he had way too many issues for me to want to maintain anything with him. Don't compare - it's a no-win situation.

Look, I know you are right to some extent, I know the relationships are different and I know very well that it is toxic behaviour to keep bringing up things she did for her Ex. However, you have to see it from my perspective as well, the relationships are also similar, he was the same age as me, also from Europe, also a professional with a high income. You should hear how she talked about him, she was three years with this man and she told me how she was sure she loved him, how great his abs were, how he climbed Mount Fuji in Japan, how AMAZING her first trip with him was. But I need to believe that I am her greatest love, or could be her greatest love one day, because that is what she is to me. I can't believe that if she does a simple thing for him but not for me, it would show me that she does not love me as much as him. Maybe that is true, because we're only starting out and she was three years with this other guy, but the thought of it, can't you understand how it kills everything I feel?

[RichardMaxwell]

It is no wonder she doesn't want you to help her get a job in the EU; you have known her less than 6 months! And if she wants to come to Europe to work, there are potentional visa issues, especially since you are not married (unless there is favourable visa laws between your country and hers. But generally the EU disaproves of people coming from Asia to work, as EU rules benifits the free flow of work force in Europe only). We are looking to get a job for SO in my country, we have known each other for years and he has also visited here and that is when he met his potentional employer, even so I work really hard to make it happen, so there is no way you can fix a job for her right now to help her current cash flow problem. You also don't have a say in how she keeps herself and her family fed just yet. I am guessing she longs for you to get the preassure she is under. You say she is less fun now, but being understood is sexy. If you care for her, you will listen to what she has to say, even if it doesn't make sense to you right away. This is a learning uppertunity for you to get to know her more, and for you both to demonstrate that you can work together as a team to solve problems. Start by being kind. No matter the passion, you also need to be kind.

First of all thank you for sharing your personal story which I find gives room both for optimism and pessimism. Optimism because to know that despite living through exactly the kind of tough scenario we may have to endure you were able to keep it going is really a positive message that I had not anticipated. However, please forgive for saying so but I trust you understand if I say my hope is that we are spared the kind of hardships you and your SO have so admirably endured. My hope is still that my SO will reconsider her decision to work in a factory. Our situation is slightly different in that I can make the money needed to support her family and her ambitions to study.

I am aware of Visa requirements in the EU. Just as you have connected with an employer for your SO during one of his visits, so my SO could come on a 6 month tourist visa to the UK and find a potential employer then return home and make a work visa application. However, this is in fact unncessary, because I would want to be in the UK only for 6 months, the time I estimate it would take to secure a job in Hong Kong or Singapore. There is actually no need for my SO other to work at all, as I would always be in a position to send her family the money it needs and put money for her aside.

I would also like to clarify that she is not actually yet working in a factory, she is in Manila, and went to see an employment agency, so she is not in full employment. She therefore has time to send me messages but she only sends very short sporadic messages, she is not sharing what is going on in her life. It is this what made me take a closer look at my relationship. Everybody has time to send a text message now and then, if they do not do it it is because they do not want to.

Now thanks to your post I have understood that she may be under great pressure, and I will try to be supportive going forward. But I don't think it can be just a one way street either. I WOULD listen to what she has to say to me, but she is hardly saying anything.