Originally posted by MissingMyDutchLove
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Would you end it in these circumstances?
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Originally posted by RichardMaxwell View PostLook, I know you are right to some extent, I know the relationships are different and I know very well that it is toxic behaviour to keep bringing up things she did for her Ex. However, you have to see it from my perspective as well, the relationships are also similar, he was the same age as me, also from Europe, also a professional with a high income. You should hear how she talked about him, she was three years with this man and she told me how she was sure she loved him, how great his abs were, how he climbed Mount Fuji in Japan, how AMAZING her first trip with him was. But I need to believe that I am her greatest love, or could be her greatest love one day, because that is what she is to me. I can't believe that if she does a simple thing for him but not for me, it would show me that she does not love me as much as him. Maybe that is true, because we're only starting out and she was three years with this other guy, but the thought of it, can't you understand how it kills everything I feel?
I would also suggest when you start dating again, because there is no way this relationship is going to work, specify that you want to date someone who has never been in love before so you don't have to worry about this issue.To those who dream, nothing is ever far away.
Distance is to love as wind is to fire. It blows out the little ones and fans the big ones.
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Originally posted by R&R View PostWelcome to being an adult and being in relationships with people who have been in love withother people before they met you. In 6 months you want everything and more from her that she took years to build with someone else. If you can't handle the fact that she really loved this other man and it may take her time to feel that way towards you, than walk away. To me, you sound very insecure.
I would also suggest when you start dating again, because there is no way this relationship is going to work, specify that you want to date someone who has never been in love before so you don't have to worry about this issue.
Almost as adventurous as to make predictions for the future, do let me have your crystal ball that makes you all knowing of future events. I want to check it out.
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Originally posted by RichardMaxwell View PostWe then had an argument because I wanted her to change her Facebook relationship status to 'in a relationship'. She didn't want to do it. However, she told me she did so for her Ex. When I heard that I made it clear that I needed her to change it or I would have walked away. She reluctantly did change it then without telling me, though she did say I was 'getting complicated' and 'we have a long way to go really'. She then disappeared for 5 days again.
What were your motives for demanding her to change her relationship status? Why was that important to you? If she didn't feel that it was important or significant, then there is a message there. What is that message?
My partner and I have each met the other's family and friends. Everyone knows in real life that we are a couple. Having a relationship status changed on a Facebook page isn't that important to either of us. It seems to be important to you. Why?
That is a huge undertaking to offer to move, support her, and her family, especially considering that you've been seeing each other for a few months and that she only sends a few words in texts.
Think for yourself and decide what is acceptable and unacceptable. Then figure out if you are accepting unacceptable behavior.
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Originally posted by RichardMaxwell View PostAlmost as adventurous as to make predictions for the future, do let me have your crystal ball that makes you all knowing of future events. I want to check it out.
The point she was making was that your SO was probably with her ex for a while, compared to how long she's been with you right now (from what I gathered, only a couple months). Do you know when she changed her status when she was with her Ex? Yes, no? Was she CD compared to your LD? I still don't understand why it was so important for you to have her do this ASAP, only because she did it for ex.
That's like me saying to someone that I'm dating, "You have to post about me on your Facebook because you did it all the time for your Ex. And, if you don't, it means you don't love me enough."
I had a similar problem with my former SO, because he did post about his Ex a lot compared to me, but then after I read all these studies about relationships and FB, it turned out that the more you post about your SO and say things like, "Oh they did this for me #blessed," or whatever...it meant that you were actually really insecure about your relationship. And, welp, him and his Ex always had problems and she was always cheating, and they were just always fighting in general. So, it was pretty true. I only ever posted things with him in it when I was tagging him in funny things that I was sharing publicly with my friends anyway, but I do that with every one. It was no exception for him.
We made our relationship status "Facebook Official" the day we actually started dating. Why? I don't know, we just felt like it, but it wasn't a huge deal. Then, when he got his new job working at a prison, for security reasons, he hid is relationship status completely. So, only me and him could see it. At first, it bothered me, but then I realized how pointless it was for me to get upset. The people that were important to us knew that we were together.
There's so much unnecessary drama about making a relationship "Facebook Official". I really don't even see the point of it any more. Now, when I see it, I'm just like, "Okay...congrats." Unless it's people that I've known for a while, or someone I know who went through a tough previous relationship. Even then, I don't really care and it's not my business. There's no need to even do that, because you're not even doing it for yourself, you're doing it so other people can see it and you can make it known, "HEY I'M DATING THIS PERSON." The only ones that do genuinely interest me are the Engagements for my friends. So, I'm able to tell them congratulations to those I may not keep in touch with that often.Last edited by whatruckus; March 14, 2016, 02:50 PM.
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Originally posted by hmrambling View PostIt seems her actions are letting you know that she is not ready for a relationship.
What were your motives for demanding her to change her relationship status? Why was that important to you? If she didn't feel that it was important or significant, then there is a message there. What is that message?
My partner and I have each met the other's family and friends. Everyone knows in real life that we are a couple. Having a relationship status changed on a Facebook page isn't that important to either of us. It seems to be important to you. Why?
That is a huge undertaking to offer to move, support her, and her family, especially considering that you've been seeing each other for a few months and that she only sends a few words in texts.
Think for yourself and decide what is acceptable and unacceptable. Then figure out if you are accepting unacceptable behavior.
When it then became clear that she'd done this very thing for her EX clearly it took on an importance to me because of the fact that I do not want to be treated worse than her Ex. Sure we are adults, but being an adult doesn't mean you have to settle for second best. I will have a talk with her soon to clarify what her thinking is. I already have two interviews lined up with big law firms, I'm keeping to my word.
You're quite right, I have to consider if her behaviour is unacceptable, in not communicating about her intentions properly.
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Originally posted by RichardMaxwell View PostOk, the reason why SHE did not want to change her rel status was because she said 'she does not want to do anything she may regret'. Her FB page is a big part of her life, she communicates with all her friends via FB. Including the sister of her EX. When I found out she 'custom shared' who could view the rel status and the sister of her EX, who normally always leaving likes and comments stayed quiet I raised this with her too. She basically has doubts that I will do what I say and enable us to be together. BUT I KNOW that I will do this. She will not be embarassed. The only way our relationship is tangible in the world is via Viber, Gmail and Facebook. If we were in the same place it wouldn't even matter, everyone would know we are together. But I am 10,000 miles away, I wanted to see comittment on her part. It's all very well to say I am the man of her dreams, but actions speak louder than words.
When it then became clear that she'd done this very thing for her EX clearly it took on an importance to me because of the fact that I do not want to be treated worse than her Ex. Sure we are adults, but being an adult doesn't mean you have to settle for second best. I will have a talk with her soon to clarify what her thinking is. I already have two interviews lined up with big law firms, I'm keeping to my word.
You're quite right, I have to consider if her behaviour is unacceptable, in not communicating about her intentions properly.
P.S. - My Ex's brother and sister's "liked" and commented on my changed relationship status when my former SO and I started dating. Ironically, they were really happy for me because their brother was an a-hole.
Edit: If my former SO said that to me, I would be pretty pissed and offended.Last edited by whatruckus; March 14, 2016, 04:16 PM.
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Oh well, I see why would that cause you feel the way you did.
I want to say something about her point of view though. Previous relationships leave some kind of scars and issues. Making a relationship, which didn't work out and ended miserably, public may not always feel good. So she might just be regretting that she did make her previous relationship public.
Also it's kind of different to see people's posts and messages on Facebook, rather than telling them irl. There's just so much more space irl.
Though, yeah, she might not be sure in your relationship and probably is not, but that doesn't necessarily mean it is so because you are her second best and she might not even be comparing you to her ex. Just regretting past experiences as I said, or something.
And honestly? I just read your initial post and I think you two have some big communication problems, mostly with expressing how and why you say/do certain stuff. Those things should be discussed properly instead of ignoring someone for days. But confrontation is not the key, just calm ordinary discussions.
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Originally posted by whatruckus View PostThen this explains a lot more. And, I do think you need to evaluate if this is unacceptable. The whole point of being in a relationship is because you're taking a chance on that person. I didn't care if my Ex's brothers and sisters saw that I changed my relationship status. It wasn't for them. It was for my former SO and I. Her reasoning is just.......bizarre to me. I mean, I kind of understand, but at the same time...she should have a little more faith in your relationship, and you.
P.S. - My Ex's brother and sister's "liked" and commented on my changed relationship status when my former SO and I started dating. Ironically, they were really happy for me because their brother was an a-hole.
Edit: If my former SO said that to me, I would be pretty pissed and offended.
However, I can not believe that she would change her mind about our rel because of this. And yet, after the rel status change she disappeared for five days and this whole period of her sending only really short messages started. She also refused talk on the phone twice. We've really gone from everything being great to her ignoring my messages, hardly messaging, and not wanting to talk on the phone. We have a talk scheduled in the next few days though, so hopefully this can all be addressed.
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Originally posted by C.C. View PostOh well, I see why would that cause you feel the way you did.
I want to say something about her point of view though. Previous relationships leave some kind of scars and issues. Making a relationship, which didn't work out and ended miserably, public may not always feel good. So she might just be regretting that she did make her previous relationship public.
Also it's kind of different to see people's posts and messages on Facebook, rather than telling them irl. There's just so much more space irl.
Though, yeah, she might not be sure in your relationship and probably is not, but that doesn't necessarily mean it is so because you are her second best and she might not even be comparing you to her ex. Just regretting past experiences as I said, or something.
And honestly? I just read your initial post and I think you two have some big communication problems, mostly with expressing how and why you say/do certain stuff. Those things should be discussed properly instead of ignoring someone for days. But confrontation is not the key, just calm ordinary discussions.
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Originally posted by RichardMaxwell View PostShe also did not appreciate that he forced her hand and basically forced her to change her rel status. Then I basically do the same. Whilst she is trying to deal with tough financial issues and job applications.
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There sure is a lot of emphasis on this relationship status on Facebook. If it is that important, I encourage the OP to really look at his motives behind wanting the status change. Relationships call for self examination.
I would be asking myself, "how important is it?" "In a year from now, will it really make a difference?" "In 5 years from now, will it really make a difference?"
At some point, it no longer is an issue of who's right and who's wrong. You can be right and be alone. Being right doesn't mean that a person is a great partner. It's possible to be right and be an asshole. My point is: don't be an asshole.
Really look at the motives behind the ultimatum and the Facebook status change. Examine yourself. Stop blaming others. Take responsibility.
....and I glance down from my computer monitor, and look at the reminder that I have on my own desk that reads, "Be right.... be alone." One of my character defects is to think I am right in an argument and to never let that argument go. Don't be that person. Even if you're right. But often times, we are wrong. We're human.
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I want to update on the situation. After my SO returned from Manila to her home she contacted me. We had a long Viber chat. At first she made clear that she wanted to come to the UK with me, that her plan to work in a factory in Taiwan was no longer what she wanted. She got sick in Manila with fever and was told of some issues her mother had so she wanted to go back. Then she told me her Ex had emailed her sister saying they 'need to talk'. She got an email from her Ex because his sister had shown him that her FB rel status had changed, so he asked if she had a new boyfriend. She claims she replied saying it was none of his business anymore whether she did or not. To which he then replied he had sent her some things she had left at his house, and she claims she then replied she didn't need them but thanks for the deed. All wonderful and curt and so honest of her to disclose all this, right? Except she had this email conversation with her Ex while she was in Manila, ie during the time when I sent her three emails, none of which she replied to, I was lucky to get a one word or five word FB message, many of my FB messages she just ignored and at the same time she was having an email conversation with her Ex!
I asked her why she did not write to me and she said she wanted to wait til she got home because it was 'more decent', I asked 'decent how' and she said 'I can't just write three lines to you'. So I told her to tell me why she really did not write, and she said I was annoying. Most likely because I had raised the fact that her rel status was 'custom shared' and had asked if she excluded the sister of her Ex. At the end of her conversation I asked if she excluded anyone, and she admitted that indeed she had. When I asked 'who', she said 'nobody you know'.
So we went from her saying she wanted to come and live with me in the UK, to her emailing her Ex during the 16 days she was in Manila when she never replied to my emails and sent me five word FB messages. Oh and admitting that she custom shared her rel status update to exclude a number of people she does not want to disclose.
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