Feeling down and too emotionally dependent

[sunmat]

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[R&R]

I've seen a few posts reporting the same problem but mostly from women, so I thought I'd expose my situation to get people's thought (and please don't answer "you need to learn to be less emotionally dependent", I know that, the question is how...).

Before I was with my SO, I was a very independent and optimistic person. I always did challenging things with the certainty that they would work, and when they don't, "oh well, the next time they will, no big deal". I had a high self esteem, mainly because I've had a very successful career so far. I never needed the support of someone else to get over hard times.

Since I'm with my SO, I feel completely emotionally dependent on her actions and mood. The first thing I do when waking up is checking WhatsApp. During the day, when she's not sending anything, it feels like a bucket is emptying slowly in my head. As the bucket becomes more and more empty, I get more and more depressed and less and less focused on my work. If I see blue ticks on Whatsapp and no answer, it's even worse, so I usually avoid checking Whatsapp itself (just relying on notifications). Whenever she finally sends something back, it feels like refilling the bucket a little and I can gain back my focus for a little while. If the bucket is empty by the end of the day, I'm so depressed I start questioning whether continuing the relationship at such a high emotional cost is worth it.

I haven't been in this situation, so I can't really give advice on to how to deal with it. However, I do want to ask you a question.

What is it about this particular relationship that has made you do a 180 compared to when you were in past relationships? I think if you can figure out what it is that has caused you to become this different version of yourself, it may help you to figure out your way back to the confident, self-assured and optimistic person you were before.

[sunmat]

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[R&R]

Something that took me a LONG time to learn was how to maintain my independence while maintaining a relationship. (Now a lot of people think I'm too much so.) It took time for me to learn that I need to remember that as an individual I am important and whole.

Too much now, people that post or even some of my friends or my daughters friends get so caught up in their relationship and the other person that they forget how to function as an individual. The other person's actions, or lack of, has so much control of their emotions and feelings. It takes time to get yourself back to remembering and re-learning that YOU have control. It's almost like having to take your life back sometimes. Now it's second nature to me again but it wasn't always that way. I used to write things out in a diary - my frustrations and analyzing why I let myself get like this. It helped me to focus. Maybe you can find something to help you focus.

I've been with my SO over 2 years. I love him and am in love with him so much. However, if we were to break up, I could walk away and be perfectly okay. Yes, it would hurt but I haven't lost who I am or my identity to him our our relationship. I don't let his emotions, actions or the distance control my feelings, happiness or who I am. I don't remember where I read it, but I like the saying "Don't put the key to your happiness in someone else's pocket". You control your happiness and emotions. If you are really struggling, seeking professional help, even if it's just for a short time, can be very helpful.

[sunmat]

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[sunmat]

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[R&R]

I'm glad I could help out a little bit.

When we are our best self, for ourselves, it seeps out into the other aspects of our life - family, friendships, relationships and jobs. It doesn't mean we won't have off days or slumps now and then but I find I'm more positive most of the time because I am happy with me.

[RichardMaxwell]

Does/did anyone feel the same way? How to deal with this?

Yes, I feel the same way and have the same problem. Apart from indulging in fantasies of leaving her so the torture would end I play the piano, work out, listen to music and work on my novel. It really is best to do things for yourself, that make you a better person and fill your time. Good luck, it's much easier to say than to do.

[Cup]

Hi!
I don't know why i didn't see this thread earlier.
I am feeling the exact same thing. This past month is torture! It happened so slow i didn't realize it. The person i was before was super, non-anxious, confident and secure! Now i question everything and always assume the worse. For me, it was stress probably from my last year that wasn't so good and do not underestimate the stress that an LDR can bring. All the uncertainty that can't go away with a simple hug. It builds.

So now i am suffering from anxiety. Since yesterday I've been feeling better, i also had some good news today which helped, but if you want to actually do something about it, follow R&R's advice and get back into your hobbies. If you find that hard to do (it can be.. weird i know), then start from the simple stuff. Tidy up your diet, start your day off early and do all your chores. Make a program and stick to it. Since you like reading books, grab one about mindfulness, saved me once from anxiety, it will save me again. When you feel so depressed that you may feel unable to do anything, you will have to force yourself up or just listen to a happy song, it helps so much.

If this is indeed stress related, read up on stress and start working on it, you do not want this to grow into anxiety.

Take care and keep us posted!!

[sunmat]

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[Cup]

Really glad to hear!!

I am actually doing a whole lot better, thank you!! It's like i am back to my old self again! Hurray!! It's been 2 days so i still have my fingers crossed , but i am still using my coping mechanisms just in case. It does feel good to be back though! SO good!!

Hope you keep it up as well!!

Best regards,
Cup

[harlequindoll]

This has been exactly where I have been.
Thank you for posting this. It has helped me just to read it. Your analogy of the bucket is so spot on.
I don't know why I feel this way but thank you for opening up about it!
I hope you are doing better.

[sunmat]

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[T-89]

You sound just how I feel. I joined this site, because I thought I was losing my mind and had to see if there was anybody else going through the same thing. I'm considerably older than you and this is the first time a woman has affected me this way. My girlfriend is a nurse and works some crazy hours so I don't even get to talk to her everyday. I'm still trying to figure out how to deal with this. I try to keep busy, but my mind always drifts back to her.