Feeling down and too emotionally dependent

[sunmat]

I've seen a few posts reporting the same problem but mostly from women, so I thought I'd expose my situation to get people's thought (and please don't answer "you need to learn to be less emotionally dependent", I know that, the question is how...).

Before I was with my SO, I was a very independent and optimistic person. I always did challenging things with the certainty that they would work, and when they don't, "oh well, the next time they will, no big deal". I had a high self esteem, mainly because I've had a very successful career so far. I never needed the support of someone else to get over hard times.

Since I'm with my SO, I feel completely emotionally dependent on her actions and mood. The first thing I do when waking up is checking WhatsApp. During the day, when she's not sending anything, it feels like a bucket is emptying slowly in my head. As the bucket becomes more and more empty, I get more and more depressed and less and less focused on my work. If I see blue ticks on Whatsapp and no answer, it's even worse, so I usually avoid checking Whatsapp itself (just relying on notifications). Whenever she finally sends something back, it feels like refilling the bucket a little and I can gain back my focus for a little while. If the bucket is empty by the end of the day, I'm so depressed I start questioning whether continuing the relationship at such a high emotional cost is worth it.

We also usually Skype in the evening. When our conversation goes well, I end up feeling like the bucket is full and I'm myself again: the confident guy who can achieve everything, and I can fill my evening with activities. If she cancels Skype at the last minute and I already feel depressed, I just wish I could go to bed right away because no activity will help.

How and how much she interacts with me during the day heavily depends on her mood, which is pretty random (and I can understand that: she has a full time job that she doesn't like, works on a PhD on the side, her father is recovering from cancer, her grandfather has cancer, etc.). I have to consistently remember this, and try not to take it personally that she's not answering for a while, or that she's in a crappy mood. When I perceive that she's in a bad mood or depressed, I try to be supportive and tell her she can always talk to me, but she doesn't.

I've come to know her and know that if she's not sending anything, it means she's most probably depressed herself, and she shuts down. I'm not sure whether what I'm feeling is needing attention from her, or feeling helpless because I cannot be there for her, take her into my arms and tell her that whatever she's going through will go fine. Probably both.

Unfortunately this is affecting my work a lot. Some days I end up at the beginning of the afternoon simply incapable of working anymore.

I have applied to jobs in Europe in the hope to get closer to her but those jobs are extremely hard to get and I really need to be 100% myself (the self-confident guy who knows he can achieve everything) when going to the interviews if I want to have any chances. When I'm depressed, the only thought of these interviews make me have panic attacks (heart beating really fast, sweating, unable to calm down, wanting to run away from wherever I am). Right now I feel that my chances of getting those jobs will be like lottery tickets, and depend more on whether our interactions prior to the interviews are positive than on my actual suitability for the job.

Does/did anyone feel the same way? How to deal with this?

[R&R]

I've seen a few posts reporting the same problem but mostly from women, so I thought I'd expose my situation to get people's thought (and please don't answer "you need to learn to be less emotionally dependent", I know that, the question is how...).

Before I was with my SO, I was a very independent and optimistic person. I always did challenging things with the certainty that they would work, and when they don't, "oh well, the next time they will, no big deal". I had a high self esteem, mainly because I've had a very successful career so far. I never needed the support of someone else to get over hard times.

Since I'm with my SO, I feel completely emotionally dependent on her actions and mood. The first thing I do when waking up is checking WhatsApp. During the day, when she's not sending anything, it feels like a bucket is emptying slowly in my head. As the bucket becomes more and more empty, I get more and more depressed and less and less focused on my work. If I see blue ticks on Whatsapp and no answer, it's even worse, so I usually avoid checking Whatsapp itself (just relying on notifications). Whenever she finally sends something back, it feels like refilling the bucket a little and I can gain back my focus for a little while. If the bucket is empty by the end of the day, I'm so depressed I start questioning whether continuing the relationship at such a high emotional cost is worth it.

I haven't been in this situation, so I can't really give advice on to how to deal with it. However, I do want to ask you a question.

What is it about this particular relationship that has made you do a 180 compared to when you were in past relationships? I think if you can figure out what it is that has caused you to become this different version of yourself, it may help you to figure out your way back to the confident, self-assured and optimistic person you were before.

[sunmat]

What is it about this particular relationship that has made you do a 180 compared to when you were in past relationships? I think if you can figure out what it is that has caused you to become this different version of yourself, it may help you to figure out your way back to the confident, self-assured and optimistic person you were before.

I've had only one other relationship, when I was at University. It lasted 3 months and was a nightmare from day 2. There was no feelings on either parts and she lost my trust very quickly by constantly lying to me, so I broke up. After that I couldn't imagine dating again for a while, as I was thinking it would be the same all over again, so I focused exclusively on my studies (hence the successful career). When I felt I could trust someone again, I had started a PhD and it was taking too much of my time to think about finding someone (and I also got rejected multiple times when I did try).

My SO is pretty similar to my ex in some aspects (being always late, for example). But she hasn't given me reasons to not trust her. I'm much more open with my feelings with her than I was with my ex (probably because I trust her, while I quickly lost trust in my ex). I think the differences are my feelings for her, which are much stronger, and the fact that she's 5000 miles away.

[R&R]

Something that took me a LONG time to learn was how to maintain my independence while maintaining a relationship. (Now a lot of people think I'm too much so.) It took time for me to learn that I need to remember that as an individual I am important and whole.

Too much now, people that post or even some of my friends or my daughters friends get so caught up in their relationship and the other person that they forget how to function as an individual. The other person's actions, or lack of, has so much control of their emotions and feelings. It takes time to get yourself back to remembering and re-learning that YOU have control. It's almost like having to take your life back sometimes. Now it's second nature to me again but it wasn't always that way. I used to write things out in a diary - my frustrations and analyzing why I let myself get like this. It helped me to focus. Maybe you can find something to help you focus.

I've been with my SO over 2 years. I love him and am in love with him so much. However, if we were to break up, I could walk away and be perfectly okay. Yes, it would hurt but I haven't lost who I am or my identity to him our our relationship. I don't let his emotions, actions or the distance control my feelings, happiness or who I am. I don't remember where I read it, but I like the saying "Don't put the key to your happiness in someone else's pocket". You control your happiness and emotions. If you are really struggling, seeking professional help, even if it's just for a short time, can be very helpful.

[sunmat]

Thanks a lot, actually, seeing it this way makes a lot of sense!

I tend to define myself half by my work (researcher), half by my hobbies (playing music, reading classical literature, etc.). Getting into this relationship had two important impacts on my life:
- By considering that I should eventually move back to Europe to be with her, I started wondering whether I should find a job in the continuity of my current one (like tenure track researcher), or broaden my search to other jobs (engineer, etc.). This made me look at what I like and didn't like about my current job, and as I realized there are many aspects I don't actually like, I started wondering why I was doing it, which, for someone who is defined partially by his career, is like questioning his own identity.
- By expecting so much interactions and living everyday for the hour of Skype that I would get at the end of it (even entire afternoons of skype during weekends), I put my hobbies aside. I still play a bit of music but sometimes I can spend several days without touching an instrument, and I haven't read a single book since I started being with her.

The idea of having a diary is nice; I actually felt better while writing my concerns down here (even before even posting them), so I guess just writing them down somewhere would be useful.

[sunmat]

(I don't know why my response got posted twice, so I edited this one. I don't know if there is a way of deleting it)

[R&R]

I'm glad I could help out a little bit.

When we are our best self, for ourselves, it seeps out into the other aspects of our life - family, friendships, relationships and jobs. It doesn't mean we won't have off days or slumps now and then but I find I'm more positive most of the time because I am happy with me.

[RichardMaxwell]

Does/did anyone feel the same way? How to deal with this?

Yes, I feel the same way and have the same problem. Apart from indulging in fantasies of leaving her so the torture would end I play the piano, work out, listen to music and work on my novel. It really is best to do things for yourself, that make you a better person and fill your time. Good luck, it's much easier to say than to do.

[Cup]

Hi!
I don't know why i didn't see this thread earlier.
I am feeling the exact same thing. This past month is torture! It happened so slow i didn't realize it. The person i was before was super, non-anxious, confident and secure! Now i question everything and always assume the worse. For me, it was stress probably from my last year that wasn't so good and do not underestimate the stress that an LDR can bring. All the uncertainty that can't go away with a simple hug. It builds.

So now i am suffering from anxiety. Since yesterday I've been feeling better, i also had some good news today which helped, but if you want to actually do something about it, follow R&R's advice and get back into your hobbies. If you find that hard to do (it can be.. weird i know), then start from the simple stuff. Tidy up your diet, start your day off early and do all your chores. Make a program and stick to it. Since you like reading books, grab one about mindfulness, saved me once from anxiety, it will save me again. When you feel so depressed that you may feel unable to do anything, you will have to force yourself up or just listen to a happy song, it helps so much.

If this is indeed stress related, read up on stress and start working on it, you do not want this to grow into anxiety.

Take care and keep us posted!!

[sunmat]

Hi!
I don't know why i didn't see this thread earlier.
I am feeling the exact same thing. This past month is torture! It happened so slow i didn't realize it. The person i was before was super, non-anxious, confident and secure! Now i question everything and always assume the worse. For me, it was stress probably from my last year that wasn't so good and do not underestimate the stress that an LDR can bring. All the uncertainty that can't go away with a simple hug. It builds.

So now i am suffering from anxiety. Since yesterday I've been feeling better, i also had some good news today which helped, but if you want to actually do something about it, follow R&R's advice and get back into your hobbies. If you find that hard to do (it can be.. weird i know), then start from the simple stuff. Tidy up your diet, start your day off early and do all your chores. Make a program and stick to it. Since you like reading books, grab one about mindfulness, saved me once from anxiety, it will save me again. When you feel so depressed that you may feel unable to do anything, you will have to force yourself up or just listen to a happy song, it helps so much.

If this is indeed stress related, read up on stress and start working on it, you do not want this to grow into anxiety.

Take care and keep us posted!!

Thanks! This week was globally better, I hope it will continue that way. I think stressful things stacking up become difficult to handle, but some sources of stress are now out of the equation (2 interviews done, 2 more to come. I can't wait to be done with those). I started reading again. And I have booked a flight to see her (3 days only, a detour after a business trip in Europe).

I hope this improves on your side as well!

[Cup]

Really glad to hear!!

I am actually doing a whole lot better, thank you!! It's like i am back to my old self again! Hurray!! It's been 2 days so i still have my fingers crossed , but i am still using my coping mechanisms just in case. It does feel good to be back though! SO good!!

Hope you keep it up as well!!

Best regards,
Cup

[harlequindoll]

This has been exactly where I have been.
Thank you for posting this. It has helped me just to read it. Your analogy of the bucket is so spot on.
I don't know why I feel this way but thank you for opening up about it!
I hope you are doing better.

[sunmat]

This has been exactly where I have been.
Thank you for posting this. It has helped me just to read it. Your analogy of the bucket is so spot on.
I don't know why I feel this way but thank you for opening up about it!
I hope you are doing better.

It improved a lot since I posted this. I think what happened was that (1) I got to know her better, including her schedule, how she behaves depending on her mood, etc. which provides stronger rational explanations whenever she is going silent or cancels our plans, and (2) her acts and words made me more confident that she is dedicated to our relationship, which allows me to think that one skype cancelled or being ignored for a few hours is not the end of it. In the end, I'm still sad whenever she cancels our plans or go silent, but I manage to occupy myself with other things. I have also a lot less pressure at work right now, and the stress I was under at the beginning wasn't helping.

[T-89]

You sound just how I feel. I joined this site, because I thought I was losing my mind and had to see if there was anybody else going through the same thing. I'm considerably older than you and this is the first time a woman has affected me this way. My girlfriend is a nurse and works some crazy hours so I don't even get to talk to her everyday. I'm still trying to figure out how to deal with this. I try to keep busy, but my mind always drifts back to her.