I've seen a few posts reporting the same problem but mostly from women, so I thought I'd expose my situation to get people's thought (and please don't answer "you need to learn to be less emotionally dependent", I know that, the question is how...).
Before I was with my SO, I was a very independent and optimistic person. I always did challenging things with the certainty that they would work, and when they don't, "oh well, the next time they will, no big deal". I had a high self esteem, mainly because I've had a very successful career so far. I never needed the support of someone else to get over hard times.
Since I'm with my SO, I feel completely emotionally dependent on her actions and mood. The first thing I do when waking up is checking WhatsApp. During the day, when she's not sending anything, it feels like a bucket is emptying slowly in my head. As the bucket becomes more and more empty, I get more and more depressed and less and less focused on my work. If I see blue ticks on Whatsapp and no answer, it's even worse, so I usually avoid checking Whatsapp itself (just relying on notifications). Whenever she finally sends something back, it feels like refilling the bucket a little and I can gain back my focus for a little while. If the bucket is empty by the end of the day, I'm so depressed I start questioning whether continuing the relationship at such a high emotional cost is worth it.
We also usually Skype in the evening. When our conversation goes well, I end up feeling like the bucket is full and I'm myself again: the confident guy who can achieve everything, and I can fill my evening with activities. If she cancels Skype at the last minute and I already feel depressed, I just wish I could go to bed right away because no activity will help.
How and how much she interacts with me during the day heavily depends on her mood, which is pretty random (and I can understand that: she has a full time job that she doesn't like, works on a PhD on the side, her father is recovering from cancer, her grandfather has cancer, etc.). I have to consistently remember this, and try not to take it personally that she's not answering for a while, or that she's in a crappy mood. When I perceive that she's in a bad mood or depressed, I try to be supportive and tell her she can always talk to me, but she doesn't.
I've come to know her and know that if she's not sending anything, it means she's most probably depressed herself, and she shuts down. I'm not sure whether what I'm feeling is needing attention from her, or feeling helpless because I cannot be there for her, take her into my arms and tell her that whatever she's going through will go fine. Probably both.
Unfortunately this is affecting my work a lot. Some days I end up at the beginning of the afternoon simply incapable of working anymore.
I have applied to jobs in Europe in the hope to get closer to her but those jobs are extremely hard to get and I really need to be 100% myself (the self-confident guy who knows he can achieve everything) when going to the interviews if I want to have any chances. When I'm depressed, the only thought of these interviews make me have panic attacks (heart beating really fast, sweating, unable to calm down, wanting to run away from wherever I am). Right now I feel that my chances of getting those jobs will be like lottery tickets, and depend more on whether our interactions prior to the interviews are positive than on my actual suitability for the job.
Does/did anyone feel the same way? How to deal with this?
Before I was with my SO, I was a very independent and optimistic person. I always did challenging things with the certainty that they would work, and when they don't, "oh well, the next time they will, no big deal". I had a high self esteem, mainly because I've had a very successful career so far. I never needed the support of someone else to get over hard times.
Since I'm with my SO, I feel completely emotionally dependent on her actions and mood. The first thing I do when waking up is checking WhatsApp. During the day, when she's not sending anything, it feels like a bucket is emptying slowly in my head. As the bucket becomes more and more empty, I get more and more depressed and less and less focused on my work. If I see blue ticks on Whatsapp and no answer, it's even worse, so I usually avoid checking Whatsapp itself (just relying on notifications). Whenever she finally sends something back, it feels like refilling the bucket a little and I can gain back my focus for a little while. If the bucket is empty by the end of the day, I'm so depressed I start questioning whether continuing the relationship at such a high emotional cost is worth it.
We also usually Skype in the evening. When our conversation goes well, I end up feeling like the bucket is full and I'm myself again: the confident guy who can achieve everything, and I can fill my evening with activities. If she cancels Skype at the last minute and I already feel depressed, I just wish I could go to bed right away because no activity will help.
How and how much she interacts with me during the day heavily depends on her mood, which is pretty random (and I can understand that: she has a full time job that she doesn't like, works on a PhD on the side, her father is recovering from cancer, her grandfather has cancer, etc.). I have to consistently remember this, and try not to take it personally that she's not answering for a while, or that she's in a crappy mood. When I perceive that she's in a bad mood or depressed, I try to be supportive and tell her she can always talk to me, but she doesn't.
I've come to know her and know that if she's not sending anything, it means she's most probably depressed herself, and she shuts down. I'm not sure whether what I'm feeling is needing attention from her, or feeling helpless because I cannot be there for her, take her into my arms and tell her that whatever she's going through will go fine. Probably both.
Unfortunately this is affecting my work a lot. Some days I end up at the beginning of the afternoon simply incapable of working anymore.
I have applied to jobs in Europe in the hope to get closer to her but those jobs are extremely hard to get and I really need to be 100% myself (the self-confident guy who knows he can achieve everything) when going to the interviews if I want to have any chances. When I'm depressed, the only thought of these interviews make me have panic attacks (heart beating really fast, sweating, unable to calm down, wanting to run away from wherever I am). Right now I feel that my chances of getting those jobs will be like lottery tickets, and depend more on whether our interactions prior to the interviews are positive than on my actual suitability for the job.
Does/did anyone feel the same way? How to deal with this?
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