Turning point in LDR

[Elizabeth123]

If you are not happy with work and your current life then you need to determine what would satisfy you. From your writing it seems you need to make some changes in your life. Maybe remain friends with him and if at a later point you want to pursue a relationship see what happens. Also, never move to another country just for a SO....move because it is a part of your career/or education/or personal choice.

[differentcountries]

He cant expect you to not at least try to close the distance withint a reasonable ammount of time. But if you want to change things at work etc in your life, you need to do that independant of him.

[PinkSkies]

I don't want to sound too blunt, but your SO's words sound a little empty: he basically gave you a half reassuring and postponed the distance closing to an uncertain future.
Honestly i wouldn't know what to do in your place but a wat to set things in actual motion could be asking him to go to a Language course: if he refuses, he probably know that he won't need it or move at all.

[Rezie]

thanks guys for responding. It very nice to hear your sthoughts and it really helps to do this interactive diary!

I do believe that he wants to close the distance. He just doeesn't want to step out of his comfortzone, feel out of place or give up anything. I can understand it since I'm the same especially with this feeling of uncertainty. The difference it that I am honest about it. I don't think he even realizes it himself and he believes that he is doing what is best for our relationship. I just don't think his best is enough for me. But I would like him to understand this without blaming him for anything. I want him to understand this without me being the bad guy and me making the decision. I also think he would really do anything to me as long as it suits him. He would be happy to contribute for my education in his home country (which would be around 50 000e where as in my home country it would be free), pay for apartment etc. which is obviously something I would never agree to. But this would in a way mean he wouldn't actually have to make the change he had been talking about for a long time. Also what happens after I'm ready to head home? Obviously I might change my mind but this is where I am at right now. I also understand if he has changed his mind about relocating. I just want him to say it if that is the case. I just do know that the solution of coming here for 3 months to look for appropriate jobs and then goign back home to work for 3 months is a solution I'm happy with. It's not real life and it doesn't make me feel more secure about future and help me know if we are actually compatible in a partnership.

Next time we have "the talk" I need him to give me the conditions of his move here and actually write them down. Not in a confortational way, but to know under wht circumstances he would be willing to make the move, how permanetly and would he be willing to do that when I feel this uncertain about the future of our relationship. I don't think I can have full certanty unless we are in a same place like SDR. Oh and now he is interested in language courses cause it would give him somethig to do (...?) when he is here. So I don't really know his motivation for it now and I'm not sure if he is being honest or just tells me what I want to hear. But I've decide not to feel guilty about being selfish in this subject. I want to hear his terms and conditions and then talk if it is something I can live with. Not giving ultimatums but I need a solid plan.

It would be great that if everything was clear even just for a moment where I could decide something and feel sure about it. Now I don't feel like I can trust my gut. Maybe once I har his answers then I can feel wuite sure about the relationship at least. Then I would have one less thing to feel connfused about.

I do bielieve that moving just for the sake of SO is not ideal but isn't there a point where you just have to make the move if you want to close the distance? I mean that in this job market there are a lot of applicants to jobs so the odds of getting a good job especially if you live abroad and don't speak the language? Or does that go with the "moving for yourself" cathegory?

[differentcountries]

It depends on the field, of course, but if you don't speak the language that will usually be a disadvantage, unless you work in a an international company or in a company where they need your mother tounge. If you think your work is ok (I dont know what you expect from work), you could think of ways to continue doing that in his country. But if you are uncertain what you want to do, it will often be much more difficult to find out that in a foreign miljeu where you use all your energy to find out how to do everyday things and build a social network (and go to language class).

If the both of you are unsure about a move, you can make preperations either way. Taking care of your jobs/education, setting aside money, learning each other's language etc.

People have used 6-7 years to close the distance internationally (even nationally). The most important thing is that you make preperations and dont close off options.

[Rezie]

Edited the previous post since the whole job etc. thing doesn't really go with this forum.

For some it takes 1 month to close the distance, others it takes 10 years and some decide never to do it. For me personally I'm at the breaking point where the distance is winning. This is why I want to stop preparing and make decisions. We both have the financial means to close the distance and I do speak his language and he gets by here easily with English. I guess the only way forward is to talk and tell my limitations in closing the distance and he tells his and then we figure out if they work together.

[Rezie]

Ok bit of an update for myself mainly. I brought up the subject of meeting up since he hadn't. I told him what dates I could do and how I have a dream where we could actually meet on new years since it would be our 5th as a couple and every year I wish he would be there with my 'gang'.

When deciding when to mee up he said He wasn't sure he could get time off from work which is understandable. The problem us that he took a day off on Monday to do nothing. I do realise that sometimes it is necessary and I have no right to be upset about it. So we made plans for me to vote over.

So I brought up the new years again and this us the what's app convo. As a background in need to push him to make his point clear cause when at some point i bring it up he says it didn't happen like that.

Me: so is the new years out of question or under negotiation?
Him: I'd be open to meeting on new years but the problem is that it costs a lot to travel at that time of year and I would not want to fly on Sunday to be work on Monday
Me: so you don't want to travel at that time but would be okay with me coming over. Or would you prefere to not meet then?
Him: yea I don't want to travel at that time also we could meet up a few weeks later for longer and flights are cheaper
Me: so you would prefere another time?
Him:it would naked most sense
Me: as mentioned I would be upto doing the traveling but if you think meeting up later in January is better then we can do that.

And he hasn't responded since then. I do see the logic but I also thought this could be the year we could be together during nye. I know it's a bit childish but I'm a bit hurt. It would be okay if he had plans but at least the past 5 years he has been home alone. Well this combined with the inability to get time off where as he was off on Monday for fun doesn't send me a good message. The worst part is that he doesn't see how I can think these send me a wrong message. I tried to be as diplomatic as possible and show that I am hurt but not trying to make him feel bad since he didn't do anything wrong. And I dont want a pity invite.

[kittyxuchiha11]

I know you're hurt by this, but as all of us in LDR's know traveling at Christmas and new year time is very very expensive and he is making a good point that you could see each other a few weeks after for longer and it would cost less. would you not rather see him for longer rather than see him for a few days? even if it means waiting a bit longer. I also have this dream of spending Christmas or new yer with my SO, but i've realised it's not gonna happen for a long time and like to think that hey when we eventually do close the distance we'll be able to spend every Christmas and new year together :3

[Rezie]

I know he makes a good point and he has a perfect right to spend new years however he wants and with who ever. I also know his point was not to hurt me.

the thing is that he would be coming over in January no matter what so I thought we could meet at both times. I know it is more expensive new years but if I was to book something now it would actually cost 100e less than the tickets I bought for the next meet up.

I guess what I'm mostly hurt is that I didn't really feel like he was into the idea and disregarded without research and saying he doesn't want to travel that weekend. Especially when I actually used the term "dream" and showing how it was important to me.

We have had a rough patch about closing the distance since that was suppose to happen already and it didn't so this feels a bit..I dunno. But maybe if we find a soluion we can do that another year!

Oh well, I can manage like I have thus far and maybe I'll travel somewhere else that time of year 😊

Just needed to vent. Dont always feel like doing that to my IRL friends 😊

[differentcountries]

Ok bit of an update for myself mainly. I brought up the subject of meeting up since he hadn't. I told him what dates I could do and how I have a dream where we could actually meet on new years since it would be our 5th as a couple and every year I wish he would be there with my 'gang'.

When deciding when to mee up he said He wasn't sure he could get time off from work which is understandable. The problem us that he took a day off on Monday to do nothing. I do realise that sometimes it is necessary and I have no right to be upset about it. So we made plans for me to vote over.

So I brought up the new years again and this us the what's app convo. As a background in need to push him to make his point clear cause when at some point i bring it up he says it didn't happen like that.

Me: so is the new years out of question or under negotiation?
Him: I'd be open to meeting on new years but the problem is that it costs a lot to travel at that time of year and I would not want to fly on Sunday to be work on Monday
Me: so you don't want to travel at that time but would be okay with me coming over. Or would you prefere to not meet then?
Him: yea I don't want to travel at that time also we could meet up a few weeks later for longer and flights are cheaper
Me: so you would prefere another time?
Him:it would naked most sense
Me: as mentioned I would be upto doing the traveling but if you think meeting up later in January is better then we can do that.

And he hasn't responded since then. I do see the logic but I also thought this could be the year we could be together during nye. I know it's a bit childish but I'm a bit hurt. It would be okay if he had plans but at least the past 5 years he has been home alone. Well this combined with the inability to get time off where as he was off on Monday for fun doesn't send me a good message. The worst part is that he doesn't see how I can think these send me a wrong message. I tried to be as diplomatic as possible and show that I am hurt but not trying to make him feel bad since he didn't do anything wrong. And I dont want a pity invite.

I can imagine that it is easier to get time off on a regular Monday than to have extra time off around New Year, especially for some fields if they have to make sure someone takes care of buisiniss almost all year.

I have too been upset with SO about not seeing each other for NYE, but I have come to realize that while that is a time in my life where I have time off, usually for him it has been that he has either been studying, working - or simply been upset because he was "stuck" in his life with very little money. The best holiday time for him is right before the new season starts, so we have been many tenative plans for us to go to his family and, if time, him visiting my country. But it all depends on his job. SO is dead set on "making it for himself", which I appreciate, too, even if it means that we dont get the "special times" that I would prefer us to have. In his line of work, holidays are often where they earn the most money and I am thinking that perhaps this is how it will go - that we will rather have holidays and celebrations "after the fact". I am happy with it, but I like to have it discussed.

Usually ticket prices around NYE would be quite expensive for me to come to him too - unless I travelled a few days before and left a few days after, which I dont feel comfortable asking my job to allow at this point (they are already being very flexible with allowing me to have "working vacations" like the one I will go on now). And also; do I really want to go see him when he will be working even harder and probably not be that festive? I think I am better of celebrating with my friends, even if I will miss having him there.

If you look at what you SO is saying, he is actually saying he prefers to meet up when it is possible to meet up for longer. It means more to him to have more days with you, than taking extra time off at a time that is inconvenient for work and being forced to leave you very soon. Can you find some love in his priorities?

I am not sure why it upsets him that he is home alone on NYE - would you rather have him party all night when he has to go to work the very next day? I dont think I will do much exess on NYE this year either - because I too have to go to work the next morning.

I too will take some time off this November - but December I will have to work almost every day of the week, as I have no vacation days, my coworker will take time off and my boss is eager for us to take on new assignments in December. To prepare for that, I make sure that I am not exhausted before December comes (I also have to take a big part in Christmas preperations this year). I guess that is what he was doing, too.

I have no idea when SO and I can spend Christmas or NYE together, as he will probably work next year as well. Perhaps in time he can "earn his way" to that he can take some time off for when I come or even have time to visit me. I am sometimes hurt, but realistically, if we lived together, we would probably work a lot during most holidays, too.

I think often guys have a way of phrazing things like job (and money) comes first, which can sound thoughtless or like they don't care. Perhaps if you are able to look past his wording, I think the both of you would prefer things to be different but you have different ways of talking about it. Perhaps it is time to have a real chat about work, vacation time etc, I think it is fair that you should know the logics and logistics of his job.

[Rezie]

Thank you for responding

I know I technically don't have a right to be upset. But I felt like venting. For me meeting up on new years is something I wanted. It wouldn't be instead of it wold be in addition to. Also I would be happy to do the traveling and paying my flights (which wpuld actually be less than the one I'm paying for our next meet) and he wouldn't have to take time off. We usually meet up for a weekend so we only take one day off which is a travel day so no need to feel guilty of other being alone if being at work.

I really don't mind what he does on nye without me. I just meant that if he had plans it would make more sense to me. But he can spend his time however he wants.

I'm happy to spend nye with my friends or maybe travel somewhere else. It's just this would be perfect time since its on a weekend.

Like mentioned in the previous message its just we've had a rough patch about the distance since our last meeting. Just needed to went 😊 I just feel a bit upset and rejected about this eventhough I understand his reasoning.

[differentcountries]

I think it is very normal to be upset over things that are really about work and interpret them as being about the relationship. Some work in fields where it is easy to take off NYE and the connecting weekend, others dont. Even if you pay for the visit, it means that you will have less money for other visits. I assume he did not make any plans becaus NYE is not important to him personally (with anyone) or he prefers to rest, knowing he will have to work before he takes time off and comes to you.

Is there anything he can do to make you feel you better about the holidays?

[Rezie]

We both work in an office where the weekends are off anyways. So really the work is not an issue. There would be no need to take any time off.

Its not really about the holiday itself. I expressed it was important to me and he disregarded it. Eventhough he wouldn't have to do effort. Also his explanation didn't satisfy me. The 'I don't want to travel' and 'mid January makes more sense' doesn't really send me the message that he wants to meet up. He never actually used work an an excuse on this.

In not a new year person per se. But I just liked the thought of spending a holiday with my bf. It is nice to spend Christmas with family but new years would be more appropriate.

He doesn't have to make me feel any better. I've managed well thus far so i will be fine 😀 also this is not a deal breaker. I understand his view. I just disagree with it.

I do know that I would like to travel somewhere on nye cause the timing is great and I like how people get more social. If he doesn't think it would make sense to travel to him I'm perfectly happy to travel somewhere else 😊

[differentcountries]

NYE and Jan st is not on the weekend (they are Wednesday and Thursday), so he would have to take it off unless everyone has time off due to the office closing or similar. In my old job, the boss used to come to the office on NY morning to check that all the bills were payed before the new year.

But regardless of the logistics; what things are there that are important to him but you feel reluctant to comply? Those are important things to find out. I sometimes disagree with my boyfriend too (for instance over the holidays issue - I feel much stronger about celebrating than he does) and he may get his way, but at other times I get my will. We try to see each other's point of view. I guess that is what hurt you - not that he is not coming/is reluctant to have you come, but that he does not aqknowledge that you wanted to share this time with him that is special to you. It sounds that he is a bit more "logical" about ticket prices and does not even plan to celebrate with others. I love holidays and would probably rather seek up strangers than to spend NYE alone lol . But I know SO is very different.

[R&R]

NYE and Jan st is not on the weekend (they are Wednesday and Thursday), so he would have to take it off unless everyone has time off due to the office closing or similar. In my old job, the boss used to come to the office on NY morning to check that all the bills were payed before the new year.

December 31st is a Saturday and January 1st a Sunday. The holiday in the US is taken on Monday - so a 3-day weekend.