Hello I am new here. I have just gotten to the point where I need to share my experience and am seeking advice and I've never been in such a difficult situation.
A little back story:
I am 33 year old successful business woman who fell deeply in love with a 23 year old man while playing an online game.
We met at a very difficult time in my life when I was on the verge of transferring jobs on the brink of burn out. In a completely out of character move, I invite this young man into my home because of the chemistry we had. In hindsight, this was probably a very impulsive decision I made during a difficult time in my life seeking to help eliminate some stress in my life. I paid for his flight and he showed up having just finished school and in the middle of a break before he chose his career so he was able to stay three months with me.
What happened during these three months was quite complicated. I had a breakdown from being overworked and stressed and fell madly in love with this man. He was everything I ever wanted in a man. He picked me up when I was down, he knew all the right things to say, and promised me the world, a family, a future. Had I been in my right mind, I probably never would have believe him so naively. Everything he said and did in those three months was absolutely perfectly fit for me. We simply fit, I have never had so much chemistry with a person. He saw me at my worst and still loved me. I saw him as my savoir for seeing me through that time.
When he returned to Germany we worked on a plan to be together forever. I work in hospitality management at the height of my career and he was just starting his. He decided to get into hospitality too given that was an international job and he could transfer back to me. In Germany they have to complete an apprenticeship of 4 years before they can be paid like a regular working adult. He started his in hotel work admiring me and what I do. Every step I made was planning for him to come back and live with me. We decided it would be much easier for him to work in the United States since he spoke excellent English and I didn't know German. He said he could transfer in the middle of his apprenticeship through a special program to the United States to live with me. I had a career move to a different city that came up that would make it easier for him to transfer so I accepted the job at a small pay cut eagerly anticipating his return.
He visited me in my new home, I shared my savings plans and goals for him. I planned everything so well, every decision I made was for our future together. He assured me that the plan was on point. He told me he had opened a savings account for us and made a VISA appointment so that he could travel longer without losing the rights that waiver travel does. We continued to play games online, had a healthy skype relationship, and talked about our careers together. All those stories about couples falling apart in long distance we not us, we were somehow stronger and we fully trusted each other so there was never any doubts.
I asked him if he would ever consider marriage to expedite and he said he would prefer to transfer with work so he could feel like an equal. I respected that. A year in, he tells me that the transfer isn't going to work out.. it turns out he can't transfer. He still wants to work out a way though because I tell him four years is too long for me that if I ever hope to have a family I'm 33 and not getting any younger in 4 years. He asks me to marry him one evening when I was crying and I accept very happily. It comes time to go to the VISA appointment and he tells me he is heading out. We talk all day about the questions they are asking, how Berlin is (he had to take a train to get there since there was no VISA office in his city) and we wait for the results of the VISA. Months go by, I ask often. He says he's never heard back from them.
I continue to ask since I think it's very strange to not hear back and ask if we should call together. He eventually admits he never actually went. He had fabricated the story so as not to hurt me. When I just ask why he didn't go, it comes down to that he's afraid. He doesn't want to end up in another country without a roof or food. Huge anxieties are arising and I am deeply hurt. I am not hurt that he was afraid, I am only hurt that he felt he couldn't tell me about these anxieties. I tell him I love him and I would understand and we'd worth through it together.
Things weren't ever quite the same. I trusted him deeply and now the trust had been broken. I wondered what else of our life plan had been fabricated to just see me smile. Turns out there is no savings account for us either. I catch him in little lies, like sending out a package but never doing it. He promises the lies are never meant viciously, they are only meant to protect me from hurt. If I'm hurt, he tells me he did something to make me feel better and never actually does it. Later I find out and I'm more hurt.
At some point when you love someone you figure out their quirks and whether or not you can live with them. In his case his quirk is small white lies here and there to "protect" me. I decide I can't live with that and break up with him a month before he's suppose to visit again. A week before I break, and call him crying saying I miss him and I just want to see him. I can't bare him going through his vacation and not being with me. He books a flight overnight. He comes and we have a rocky start but by the end I remember why I can't live without him. I am totally in love with him. I ask him if it's okay to have a conversation about when the end of the distance is over. He says we will. We never do.
When he leaves, I bring up the idea of having the conversation about when the distance is over. We should be able to compromise on a time line. He says he will not quit his apprenticeship. I tell him I would never ask that of him but I would like to talk about how we can make it through the next year and a half because I am not sure I can do this any longer. Over the last year of our relationship when I was away from him I started drinking to help me sleep at night. I tell him I want the next year to be healthy that I do not want to sit and be unhealthy together for the next year. When he leaves he is so sweet and calls me every morning at 3am his time to put me to sleep. It really helps. He calls me on my lunch break at work. It really helps. We both are on myfitnesspal and do workout goals together that really helps. I know he's sacrificing sleep to talk to me and that it can't last forever. Even though I knew it wasn't sustainable to help me sleep every night, the first night he can't I have a breakdown. It is very bad. I break up with him because I am in so much pain. I told him all I ever wanted was an end goal discussion. A reason to believe again. A goal to work towards. I know he wants to finish his apprenticeship but I just needed to hear it from him why he thinks its the best way considering the US doesn't even recognize the apprenticeship paperwork. I respect his wishes but that doesn't stop the doubts from creeping in. What if he's just telling me that with no intention on moving? What if he is buying time?
How do we rebuild the trust? I love him so much I don't want to move on without him but the relationship is making me someone I am not and so very painful. I am emotionally drained and feel dead inside. I just want to believe in us again but all he does is apologize for not being what I need when I need it. I don't know what to do. He is always there when he can be. I don't want to put so much on his shoulders, I want to be supportive of his career but I just find myself resentful for giving up so much when he said he was ready and he was not. I want to be supportive but I keep breaking down. I want the strength to believe him and help him through his apprenticeship. I feel unreasonable but he did break the trust. It was so perfect before.
Please help. I am out of ideas.
A little back story:
I am 33 year old successful business woman who fell deeply in love with a 23 year old man while playing an online game.
We met at a very difficult time in my life when I was on the verge of transferring jobs on the brink of burn out. In a completely out of character move, I invite this young man into my home because of the chemistry we had. In hindsight, this was probably a very impulsive decision I made during a difficult time in my life seeking to help eliminate some stress in my life. I paid for his flight and he showed up having just finished school and in the middle of a break before he chose his career so he was able to stay three months with me.
What happened during these three months was quite complicated. I had a breakdown from being overworked and stressed and fell madly in love with this man. He was everything I ever wanted in a man. He picked me up when I was down, he knew all the right things to say, and promised me the world, a family, a future. Had I been in my right mind, I probably never would have believe him so naively. Everything he said and did in those three months was absolutely perfectly fit for me. We simply fit, I have never had so much chemistry with a person. He saw me at my worst and still loved me. I saw him as my savoir for seeing me through that time.
When he returned to Germany we worked on a plan to be together forever. I work in hospitality management at the height of my career and he was just starting his. He decided to get into hospitality too given that was an international job and he could transfer back to me. In Germany they have to complete an apprenticeship of 4 years before they can be paid like a regular working adult. He started his in hotel work admiring me and what I do. Every step I made was planning for him to come back and live with me. We decided it would be much easier for him to work in the United States since he spoke excellent English and I didn't know German. He said he could transfer in the middle of his apprenticeship through a special program to the United States to live with me. I had a career move to a different city that came up that would make it easier for him to transfer so I accepted the job at a small pay cut eagerly anticipating his return.
He visited me in my new home, I shared my savings plans and goals for him. I planned everything so well, every decision I made was for our future together. He assured me that the plan was on point. He told me he had opened a savings account for us and made a VISA appointment so that he could travel longer without losing the rights that waiver travel does. We continued to play games online, had a healthy skype relationship, and talked about our careers together. All those stories about couples falling apart in long distance we not us, we were somehow stronger and we fully trusted each other so there was never any doubts.
I asked him if he would ever consider marriage to expedite and he said he would prefer to transfer with work so he could feel like an equal. I respected that. A year in, he tells me that the transfer isn't going to work out.. it turns out he can't transfer. He still wants to work out a way though because I tell him four years is too long for me that if I ever hope to have a family I'm 33 and not getting any younger in 4 years. He asks me to marry him one evening when I was crying and I accept very happily. It comes time to go to the VISA appointment and he tells me he is heading out. We talk all day about the questions they are asking, how Berlin is (he had to take a train to get there since there was no VISA office in his city) and we wait for the results of the VISA. Months go by, I ask often. He says he's never heard back from them.
I continue to ask since I think it's very strange to not hear back and ask if we should call together. He eventually admits he never actually went. He had fabricated the story so as not to hurt me. When I just ask why he didn't go, it comes down to that he's afraid. He doesn't want to end up in another country without a roof or food. Huge anxieties are arising and I am deeply hurt. I am not hurt that he was afraid, I am only hurt that he felt he couldn't tell me about these anxieties. I tell him I love him and I would understand and we'd worth through it together.
Things weren't ever quite the same. I trusted him deeply and now the trust had been broken. I wondered what else of our life plan had been fabricated to just see me smile. Turns out there is no savings account for us either. I catch him in little lies, like sending out a package but never doing it. He promises the lies are never meant viciously, they are only meant to protect me from hurt. If I'm hurt, he tells me he did something to make me feel better and never actually does it. Later I find out and I'm more hurt.
At some point when you love someone you figure out their quirks and whether or not you can live with them. In his case his quirk is small white lies here and there to "protect" me. I decide I can't live with that and break up with him a month before he's suppose to visit again. A week before I break, and call him crying saying I miss him and I just want to see him. I can't bare him going through his vacation and not being with me. He books a flight overnight. He comes and we have a rocky start but by the end I remember why I can't live without him. I am totally in love with him. I ask him if it's okay to have a conversation about when the end of the distance is over. He says we will. We never do.
When he leaves, I bring up the idea of having the conversation about when the distance is over. We should be able to compromise on a time line. He says he will not quit his apprenticeship. I tell him I would never ask that of him but I would like to talk about how we can make it through the next year and a half because I am not sure I can do this any longer. Over the last year of our relationship when I was away from him I started drinking to help me sleep at night. I tell him I want the next year to be healthy that I do not want to sit and be unhealthy together for the next year. When he leaves he is so sweet and calls me every morning at 3am his time to put me to sleep. It really helps. He calls me on my lunch break at work. It really helps. We both are on myfitnesspal and do workout goals together that really helps. I know he's sacrificing sleep to talk to me and that it can't last forever. Even though I knew it wasn't sustainable to help me sleep every night, the first night he can't I have a breakdown. It is very bad. I break up with him because I am in so much pain. I told him all I ever wanted was an end goal discussion. A reason to believe again. A goal to work towards. I know he wants to finish his apprenticeship but I just needed to hear it from him why he thinks its the best way considering the US doesn't even recognize the apprenticeship paperwork. I respect his wishes but that doesn't stop the doubts from creeping in. What if he's just telling me that with no intention on moving? What if he is buying time?
How do we rebuild the trust? I love him so much I don't want to move on without him but the relationship is making me someone I am not and so very painful. I am emotionally drained and feel dead inside. I just want to believe in us again but all he does is apologize for not being what I need when I need it. I don't know what to do. He is always there when he can be. I don't want to put so much on his shoulders, I want to be supportive of his career but I just find myself resentful for giving up so much when he said he was ready and he was not. I want to be supportive but I keep breaking down. I want the strength to believe him and help him through his apprenticeship. I feel unreasonable but he did break the trust. It was so perfect before.
Please help. I am out of ideas.
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