Conflicted and need advice!

[barrielove]

Hi All! I’m brand new so please be patient I know its long but advice is needed, and it turns out wine doesn't have the answer, no matter how many bottles you drink! My story...

We met in August 2016 when we were both on vacation (he lives in America, me in Australia) for 4 days and have been talking everyday since. I visited him for 10 days in November 2016 and will be going again for 10 days later this month. He has 2 young kids from a previous relationship, so if everything continues to progress I’d be the one moving there.

Im close with my family/friends and love my city. I hesitate trying to imagine my life without my family/friends there to see when I want, and imagining living in his town…let's just say we live in different worlds!. Having said that, we both want the same thing: partner/kids/family, which gives me heart flutters when I imagine that together, but then I remember that I/future kids wouldn’t have any support over there (his own family live in a different state to him so it'd just be him there). I’d also feel guilt at leaving my own family because they'd be upset and I would feel like I’m insulting them…they’ve given me a great upbringing and been there for me but I wouldn’t be there to return the favour as they grow older.

I’m literally thinking about this and more all day - I'm a logical/practical person and analyse everything - my mind’s going crazy with conflict! Do I continue with the risk of wasting time and going down a path that means I’m almost cutting myself off from my life here? Or do I take the leap of faith at the chance that I end up having someone who loves and appreciates me and our own happy family?

I guess my main questions are:
- How have you dealt with leaving your own family/friend and home sickness?
- How did you adapt to new lifestyle/city/town?
Any advice is appreciated!

[erwin1973]

This is a difficult one that every half of the people in LDR have to face once at least.

To start with an answer on a question you didn't ask...

I’d also feel guilt at leaving my own family because they'd be upset and I would feel like I’m insulting them…they’ve given me a great upbringing and been there for me but I wouldn’t be there to return the favour as they grow older.

Let me ask you a question first about this: did you talk to your family about this? Do you actually know how they feel about it? Reading what you wrote, I guess not. So, before worrying about it: talk with your family. So you know what they think. Always keep in mind that your family probably want the best for you and especially your parents will be worried about all the 'what ifs'. But keep in mind, and remind them, you want to be happy and probably your parents want that for you, too. So, again: talk with your family!

- How have you dealt with leaving your own family/friend and home sickness?

My first wedding started as an LDR. I took my wife here. She was the one who left everyone for me. All I could do was give her as much support as I could, go every holiday to her family and skype as much as possible (although my ex-inlaws had no skype at that moment, so we had to do with phonecalls).

- How did you adapt to new lifestyle/city/town?

Again: I was not the one to leave my family. All I could do was support her, show her what is where, do as many things together. Make her aquented (how do I write that?) with her new homevillage and do as much things together as we could. I had the luck my parents lived only 1 mile away.
Later I moved to another city with my now ex-wife and son. About 70 miles - in The Netherlands that's half the country! - and we were on our own. But we had each other - and that helped us through.

I wish you lots of wisdom.
If you're afraid you can't talk with your family because you'll be to nervous, write down your questions.

Good luck and be happy together.

[Sparkling72]

Erwin made a lot of good points! Talk to your family! But also, are you in a hurry to move there? I understand the trips to see each other are not cheap, but can you give it some more time and just take it day by day? Did you meet his kids on your last trip? If not, that's another big hurdle to overcome as well. I was friends with my SO for a long time before we met in person and everyone's situation is different. Nothing wrong with slowing down and taking your time

[barrielove]

Thanks for the replies!

One thing I didn't mention in my story (I was trying to keep it as brief as possible!) was that although my family know about him and my visits, I haven't told them about them about his kids...an important factor, I know, so they aren't aware that it would definitely be me moving.

My family aren't very open-minded and - without meaning to be - can be judgemental at times. They wouldn't be judging him, they'd be judging me for choosing someone who's not only overseas, but also has kids/lifestyle that's very different to my own and one they wouldn't be a part of. I also know for a fact that as soon as they find out, they'd not only think I'm crazy but they'd also start stressing and thinking I'm wasting my life and options here..."There's plenty of guys in Australia, why would you put yourself through a LDR which results in a long distant family?".

I was hoping that my visit in November (and yep I met the kids when they stayed for his 4 nights) would be a deciding factor for me about if I continue our relationship and I'd tell my family after I got back, but the visit just made me more conflicted. I'm hoping after the trip later this month I'll get a bit more of an idea as to which path I'll take and I'll definitely have to tell my family, especially because (if we decide to continue with the relationship) he'd be visiting here next and meeting my family etc.

So yes, I have spoken to my family about what may happen in the future, but I can't properly do that without them knowing everything - which is my own fault. I guess I'm just worried of what they'll think of me when I do tell them.

[erwin1973]

I am in somewhat the same situation. My parents - especially my mother - is very disapproving about my LDR and my SO has a daughter - and I have a son who lives with his mother (my SO is widow). My parents know about her daughter. They are far from happy with it, and talking about it is almost impossible (also because I hate conflicts). So I absolutely understand the situation you are in now.

I wish you all strength you need.

[sasad]

You are 27 and an adult. And as a parent, we hate to see our children grow, but honestly, we didn't have kids just so they would take care of us when we get old. And if a parent expects that, then something is not right. I am not being rude about that. I choose to take care of my parents, but that is MY choice.
You should really tell your parents what is going on. The more you hold back, the more lies come in and keeping up with stuff gets harder. We may not like hearing stuff, but truth beats all that out. Tell them.

I grew up in the military. I moved every 3 to 4 years. It was difficult especially in my high school years/ I went to 4 high schools. The plus side was making new friends all over, learning about the new are I lived in and traveling as much as I did. There are pluses and minuses to everything in life. You need to find your balance and what it is you can live with.